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From Bi to Gay?

justsimon

justsimon

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I know there are quite a few guys on here who were married (or otherwise commited) to women before coming out. Did any of you identify as bi (rather than straight or in the closet) while you were with a woman, only to realize you were actually gay?
 
I don't quite fit your parameters, but I'll chip in.
Until not long back, I denied I was even sexual. I saw myself as being like Commander Data in Star Trek -- all the parts, fully functional, but no desire. When I first started facing my sexual nature, I assumed I was "normal", but it didn't take long before I realized I was attracted to guys, too. At first I was more often attracted to females, but that has shifted -- which is what caught my interest in this thread; I'm beginning to wonder if I'm actually gay, not bi.
Time will tell, I guess.
 
I was married! When my wife left me, (not because I was gay, she found another man to run off with) when I first started coming out, to admit to myself, I told people that I was BI. But realizing that I am more attracted to men, and that it is very doubtful that I will be with a woman again, I guess, and I can admit it, that I am gay. I really don't like labels to put on people, str8, BI, gay, top, bottom, its like you HAVE to fit in some preconcived idea. I'm not like that! I am my own person. Labels are for food!!
 
I was never married, but like many gay men I did date and fool around with women when I was younger. I did identify (at least to myself) as bi at first, but now I definitely identify as gay because of my overwhelming interest in men. For me personally, I found bi to be a comfortable middle ground to occupy while I was still trying to figure out how I truly felt. It seemed to be a place where I could keep both my options open--remain bi if I was interested in both genders or continue on to identifying as completely gay. I know this isn't the case for all guys who identify as bi (or arguably even most--that's a debate for a different thread), but it was for me and for a lot of gay men.

At that time in my life, I also immensely disliked labels, mostly because I didn't feel they were applicable to me. Really, I was still figuring things out and should have taken on the label 'questioning'. Unfortunately, society (in general or in LGBT components) doesn't look all that well on people who are unsure of anything.

Today, I recognize that labels are a necessary simplification much of the time. If I'm interested in dating a guy, I want him to say "I'm gay/bi/straight" so that I can proceed accordingly without a lot of games or uncertainty. Everybody's entitled to their own answer to that question, but if it's something like "labels are for food--I just do whoever I want", it's somewhat of a red flag for a potential date. That's not because there's anything fundamentally wrong with that response. It's just more likely to mean we're both in different points in our lives and wouldn't be a good match at this time. A lot of guys want a guy who's confident and defined in his identity. If a guy says he's gay, I know where he stands which means there's one less possible obstacle to figuring out if the two of you might work out.
 
Yes...while I had a (very serious long term) gf, I REALLY thought I was bi.

Strangely enough, her biggest fear was that I would one day realize I was just gay.

She was right to be afraid (though when we broke up, I still thought I was bi).

Maybe I still technically am, but I kind of realized that while I may have some lingering physical and emotional attraction to women, I can't imagine being totally dedicated to a woman in the same way she wants to be dedicated to me.

And while labels are sometimes inadequate, as drhladnjak said, they are "a necessary simplification much of the time". We simplify and approximate a lot of things with somewhat inaccurate descriptions (I'm studying math and physics, I should know, lol). Just because you choose to call yourself "gay" or "bi" doesn't mean you can't live as if you didn't have a label on you. You can live with a label (or labels) without it defining your life.
 
I agree with drhladnjak and renaissanceman, I do consider myself gay! I didn't mean to hijack sinfulsimons, thread because of one statement. Since he struggling with the issue. Yes I agree that labels are important in identifying who people are, and it would make for an easier dating material, one less complication that might come up. And I agree that one can live their life with out the need to put a label on it.
Very well stated guys!
 
I was married. If I remember the sequence correctly, I was "confused," "bi-curious," "bi" and then gay. From way, way back I knew I wasn't straight, but resisted the label-thing, mostly because I didn't like the label.

Now I say I'm gay because it's easier to say and 1 syllable and all. I don't know what I am, as it's sometimes fluid in all of us. I doubt I'm 100% gay according to the Kinsey scale, as I find women attractive on many levels.

What's important to me is that there is a man in my life whom I love with all my heart. It that makes me gay, then so be it. That's all that's important to me right now.

sinfulsimon said:
sometimes though it's important to know
Click to expand...
Yeah, I agree. It takes a while to come to a conclusion, too, especially if your feelings are fluid or you have different attractions for a wide variety of people. Sometimes you just have to try labels on for size for a period to see if it fits and you're comfortable with them. And, sometimes the common labels don't exactly fit--or fit consistently. That's what frustrating (or at least confusing). In time, it does tend to come into focus, but until then, the best you can do is try different ones until you find the one that you think is most accurate for you.
 
--O2-- said:
I should point out, for the record, that when I was with my GF I really believed I was bi, and she knew it.
Click to expand...
Yeah, me too...and I definitely wasn't uncomfortable with thinking of myself as "gay" either...because in fact, I really wanted to just be gay. I had hoped that "gay" would be me, but over and over, I just got "you are very bi" messages.

Now to me it seems like my interest in girls was only because I never knew the right guys. Guys always seemed distant, we didn't have much in common. On the other hand, I had quick, lasting, soild connections with girls. Girls could give me the emotional connection I needed, and I could "deal" with the sexual aspect. Now I hope to find the whole package in one person.
 
I once thought I was head-on 50/50 bisexual.

Now, I find myself attracted to men 90% of the time, though 10% finds me flustered with a knockout female that send my heart a flutter :) However, I have preferred to date men much more exclusively for the last 10 years and I see myself settling down ultimately with another man -- and so I identify as gay. I personally do not see myself as bi in my situation since I have gravitated toward one end more. However, I like to have the ability to admire and appreciate that residual arousal I get from a woman's beauty and smile. I have been in relationships with women and have also found that pursuing them is no longer for me.

I think a good majority of gay men went through the bisexual transition - like someone said, it is a comfort zone while you accept your true calling, for lack of a better word. On the other hand, I do believe that other guys are truly bisexual and stay that way all their lives. I just know I am not one of them.
 
RenaissanceMan said:
Yeah, me too...and I definitely wasn't uncomfortable with thinking of myself as "gay" either...because in fact, I really wanted to just be gay. I had hoped that "gay" would be me, but over and over, I just got "you are very bi" messages.

Now to me it seems like my interest in girls was only because I never knew the right guys. Guys always seemed distant, we didn't have much in common. On the other hand, I had quick, lasting, soild connections with girls. Girls could give me the emotional connection I needed, and I could "deal" with the sexual aspect. Now I hope to find the whole package in one person.
Click to expand...

This is pretty close to how I feel.
 
I just want to say that I'm really appreciating all the posts here. My head is in turmoil sometimes as I watch cute people on the streets, and what has been said in this thread helps give expression to some of the muddle.
 
Kulindahr said:
I just want to say that I'm really appreciating all the posts here. My head is in turmoil sometimes as I watch cute people on the streets, and what has been said in this thread helps give expression to some of the muddle.
Click to expand...

I've been feeling a lot of confusion in regards to my sexuality, which is why I started this thread. I'm glad it's helpful to others, as well.
 
this has been a cool thread, thought I'd drop in my 2 cents in as well ;)

RenaissanceMan, your reply also resonated with me...

Yeah, me too...and I definitely wasn't uncomfortable with thinking of myself as "gay" either...because in fact, I really wanted to just be gay. I had hoped that "gay" would be me, but over and over, I just got "you are very bi" messages.

Now to me it seems like my interest in girls was only because I never knew the right guys. Guys always seemed distant, we didn't have much in common. On the other hand, I had quick, lasting, soild connections with girls. Girls could give me the emotional connection I needed, and I could "deal" with the sexual aspect. Now I hope to find the whole package in one person.
Click to expand...

I completely empathize with the "distance" aspect with men.
I realize that in the interactions with men, that has been void; whereas, with women it was never an issue to even begin with--as I took for granted men would behave similarly, emotionally (and that has been painfully not the case at all). And sex devoid of chemistry/connection/intimacy doesn't work with me at all.

However, where I differ from you RenaissanceMan is that I'm not as willing to wait for that chimerical man--that possesses all these things.

For me, i've simply accepted that friendship/companionship is the best that I can have with the men I'm attracted to; and am returning back to women for relationships--since they actually want that as much as I do!
Especially since I've never had a problem being with a woman, or fantasized about a man while with a woman.
 
Something Else said:
However, where I differ from you RenaissanceMan is that I'm not as willing to wait for that chimerical man--that possesses all these things.
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Oh I'm not willing to WAIT either ;)
Something Else said:
For me, i've simply accepted that friendship/companionship is the best that I can have with the men I'm attracted to; and am returning back to women for relationships--since they actually want that as much as I do!
Click to expand...
I think there are men who want that too (and they're the good ones anyway).
 
I was in a year and a half relationship with a women before I finally came out to myself. The relationship was on the rocks so I took the time to realize what was going on my life. I broke up with her and at the time I told my best friend that I was bisexual. Formally became gay a few days after that. Thinking back on it, it would have been nice to try another relationship with a woman. But now that my life is finally taking shape I would love to be in a relationship with a guy.
 
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