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From Bi to Gay?

When I was younger, I considered myself bisexual because I was too afraid to amdit to myself that I was gay. I have since come to terms with my sexuality and consider myself gay.
 
I got the same label. I think my score was skewed though -- I left most of the "ideal" ones blank, because I just don't have an ideal at this point. fter losing almost all my friends, and most of my family, due to coming out, I'm more confused than anything as regards the future. I'd say that at this point I just want male companionship with a lot of physical affection, because that helps my insecurities -- but beyond that, the future to me is a foggy swamp.
 
When you guys that were married or in a LTR with a woman were having sex, were you fantasizing about guys or her? AND, if it was with her, and you are with a guy now, was the intensity level (emotional) the same (or different) with her or your current man?
 
When you Bisexual guys "pleasure" yourselves, do you think about guys or girls? What about when you were a teenager - what did you fantasize while you were masturbating???

It would be interesting to know... I find it very difficult to understand how a gay person can have a three year relationship with a woman and have normal sexual relations with her (or even "get it up" all the time).
 
1st love ron & desks4567, thought both of your questions were interesting. Was hoping to hear what others would say, and figured I might offer my perspective until that happens ;)

1st love ron, i've not been married, but my last relationship with a girl I did have hopes that she would be my wife--dunno if that qualifies for LTR, lol. Anyways, I never thought about guys while with her. But we were really friends for a while before things picked up--she wasn't, initially, my type; however over time I really became enamored by her. Anyways...I fell in love with her. And found myself loving everything about her. From her lips, her eyes, her smile, her fragrance, her skin and even found her imperfections engaging. So i didn't feel Bi then.

However, when our relationship ended it took time before I got myself sorted out (betrayal, rejection, depression, blah, blah, blah...)

I wondered about guys a lot, and only recently took the plunge this year--despite being in my 30's.

I thought about women and the things that were different and that took a whole lot of adjusting. The guys i've run across haven't been really good kissers--which is VERY VERY IMPORTANT TO ME--i discovered, lol. And learning the physical differences (razor stubbles, facial hair, being strong hard lean and learning to re-position my hands since there is no hips to grab, lol) that also was something I was grappling with. So i thought about women, as i've only dealt with them prior to these experiences.

In the bedroom, I thought about girls, but not to get me off. Just a lot of thoughts that were comparing the feelings sensations and stuff. It took me a while to concentrate on my bf, no longer together now, and not on what was different compared to a woman. But he was a great kisser, and I loved seeing his facial expression during sex--so over time I got more and more into him, and less about anything else.

And I think that's how i'll be with women--now that i'm returning back there. That I'll think of the differences and wonder about them, but once I get emotionally attached to someone I am pretty much committed to them in that way.

desks4567 of late I've been masturbating to guys a lot courtesy of all the free links to vids, lol. However, every now and then I just have a strong urge to see pussy up close and personal. I like when women play with their lips and you can see the folds and the outtraces of the hair surrounding it. That is probably the only part of the woman that *visually* can turn me on from seeing them; whereas, I can get turned on by a mans entire phsyique and especially his back and bottom ;-)

Interestingly, that when I was with my boyfriend, no longer together, I used to really want to see a womans body. And that was when i accepted that I might just be Bi, lol. However, since i really wanted to give the relationship a try--should've followed my instincts and ran away! I ended up fallin for him, and once I emotionally became into him I was only thinking of him.

I realize i'm an emotional being more than a sexual being. If my heart falls for you, then I won't be thinking of others. Unfortunately, finding someone worthy of that has been the challenge!
 
1st love ron said:
When you guys that were married or in a LTR with a woman were having sex, were you fantasizing about guys or her? AND, if it was with her, and you are with a guy now, was the intensity level (emotional) the same (or different) with her or your current man?
Click to expand...
Though I guess I'm still technically a teeny-tiny bit bi...

While I never had "sex" as in "intercourse", when anything sexual happened between us, I was in the moment and actually thinking about her, not some hot guy (usually). But once I wasn't around her (or nothing sexual was going on between us), I was almost exclusively thinking about guys, with some very rare exceptions (and when it was about girls, it was only about her). What "got me off" and "got it up" was more the idea of anything related to sex (I was young... :rolleyes:), combined with intimacy with anyone. Now it's a bit clearer who I want to be intimate with...

That being said, there were times when it was indeed hard to stay interested...though that could be due to several other things (us being young, inexperienced, not porn stars...lol)
 
desks4567 said:
When you Bisexual guys "pleasure" yourselves, do you think about guys or girls? What about when you were a teenager - what did you fantasize while you were masturbating???

It would be interesting to know... I find it very difficult to understand how a gay person can have a three year relationship with a woman and have normal sexual relations with her (or even "get it up" all the time).
Click to expand...

I almost always fantasize about guys. I currently ID as bisexual, but am obviously questioning that.
 
desks4567 said:
When you Bisexual guys "pleasure" yourselves, do you think about guys or girls? What about when you were a teenager - what did you fantasize while you were masturbating???

It would be interesting to know... I find it very difficult to understand how a gay person can have a three year relationship with a woman and have normal sexual relations with her (or even "get it up" all the time).
Click to expand...


I have been thinking about this for several days, and i still cannot come up with any clear cut answers! I was married for 21 years, and had a daughter, so I know I can get it up with a female! I think sex is sex basically! As for the fantasies, that is what is unclear! I know in all those years, yes I did think about men, and there was probably more than one occasion where I fantasized about men while having sex with the wife! I would always look at gay pron instead of straight porn!
But for me it goes to how I was raised! I grew up in the Jehovah's Witness religion, and them being very homophobic, it is just wrong to be gay, and if you are your expelled from the religion. So I had to repress any and all feeling towards my wanting to be gay! I even went to the elders, and they said to pray harder, and be more involved in the church activities, going door-to-door for example! But no matter how hard I prayed, or got involved, the gay feeling JUST would not go away! I had no one to talk to about it, so I did what I had to do, to have somewhat of a normal life in the religion. Also to it was expected for the young ones in the religion to get married, and have families. We waited 5 years after marriage to start having children, and elders kept asking, are you going to have children, when are you going to have children, CAN you have kids!! But I get away from the point of the question.
As much as I wanted to be gay, I just had to repress the feelings, but when ever I had a chance to be alone, I'd sure fantasize about men and JO thinking of men!
I'm not sure this makes much sense to anyone! I'm probably more confused that anyone about my past!
 
That's really interesting, because I dont think there is any way I can have sex with a woman. I think they are beautiful, but the "technical" aspects of sex would be imposssible for me. It just doesnt turn me on. How would I be able to fool around for a long time with an erection??

So I find it hard to understand how gay people get married to women. Sex is a huge part of marriage, and I don't see how a gay person can make it through the honeymoon without the wife thinking that something is wrong.
 
I think of it in terms of a spectrum. Some guys are "so gay" there's nothing a chick can do to get them hard -- that's one end of the spectrum -- and other guys are "so straight" there's nothing a guy could do to get them hard. Most of us aren't at those ends, but are strung out in between. So a lot of gay guys can function with a gal... but a dude has to wonder how much they enjoy it.
 
Wouldn't it be nice if there was a litmus test that could tell you if you're straight, bi or gay?

Alas, no such thing exists.

I've never been committed to a woman, but maybe my history might be pertinent anyway.

I've known forever, it seems, that I was physically attracted to guys, even as a pre-pubescent (four words: Mark Spitz, 1972 Olympics ;) ) . By the time I was 15, I knew I wasn't straight and was probably bi. By the time I was 20, I was thinking of myself of definitely bi, at least, and maybe gay. But I'd never been in love with anyone at that point.

I've always had an easier time making friends with girls, and I've always been friends with whatever girls there are wherever I am. But that's all -- just friends. However, I've generally never got along with guys all that well, and when I've had guy friends they've tended to be very deep and close friendships.

I didn't fall in love until I was 35, with a man (and lordy! what a man!), and that was definitely a different thing than I've ever encountered before. Yeah, I've had female friends that I've loved, felt affection for, missed lots when they've been away, but it's SO not the same thing. Being in love, for me, is like the biggest drug trip I can imagine. It's feeling like the world is all wrong when we're apart and is totally right when we're together. Not being able to sleep and not needing to. Having him constantly in my thoughts. Feeling like I was going to die if we couldn't be together. It's unmistakable, that "whoosh" when I first fall in love with someone, and suddenly the whole world changes. All at once, the world revolves around HIM and only him.

I've never fallen in love with a woman. Only men. Ergo, I'm gay. Pure, 100% gay. If I ever fall in love with a woman, I might have to re-think that, but I'm 40 years old and I doubt that's going to happen. Mind you, I love women's perspectives, and I can't imagine not having women be a part of my life, but I just can't seem to pair-bond with one in the way I can with a man.
 
I've fallen in love once -- with a gal.

But when I'm lonely, I generally want a guy. When I want someone to hold, I want a guy. When I get honry, I mostly want a guy.

I tend to think I've been hurt so hard I no longer am able to fall in love... but I keep wondering.
 
Well, maybe, Kulindahr ...

People do fall in love time after time, and there is something to a "rebound affair". It's sometimes easier to fall for someone just after a breakup, gay or straight.

But none of those are your situation. I don't know what your situation is, but the fact you've fallen in love with a girl at least once indicates SOMEthing.

Have you shared what happened with anyone and worked through the hurt? If you're still grieving the loss of a relationship, that'll probably slow down the possibility of a healthy new relationship. Do you have any close male friends?
 
Has anyone here needed to end a relationship with a woman because of their orientation? How did you know that you weren't really bi?
 
Well, I fell in love with a wonderful,beautiful, soulful and attractive women...and I knew that I had to come out. I knew that while I loved her I was going to hurt her. We had known each other for quite a while and I found that I couldnt think a bad thought of her if I tried. My love for her was the reason I had to stop lying to myself.

And I think thats whats quite a few of suffer from...not being able to seprate "Love" from "Love". I spent my whole life waitng for a woman that I could love with my whole heart, knowing that she could change me.... Well I found her and knew that I was gay.

The ability to love someone doesnt define you I think. I love women - they are soft , beautiful compassonate people with a capacity to care that blows me away. being attracted to that is easy.

But as to who I want to hold, be physical with, spend my life with and who I wanted to be loved by...its a guy.

Get the 2 things mixed up and its easy to think you;re something that you're not...
 
tallguy297 said:
Well, I fell in love with a wonderful,beautiful, soulful and attractive women...and I knew that I had to come out. I knew that while I loved her I was going to hurt her. We had known each other for quite a while and I found that I couldnt think a bad thought of her if I tried. My love for her was the reason I had to stop lying to myself.

And I think thats whats quite a few of suffer from...not being able to seprate "Love" from "Love". I spent my whole life waitng for a woman that I could love with my whole heart, knowing that she could change me.... Well I found her and knew that I was gay.

The ability to love someone doesnt define you I think. I love women - they are soft , beautiful compassonate people with a capacity to care that blows me away. being attracted to that is easy.

But as to who I want to hold, be physical with, spend my life with and who I wanted to be loved by...its a guy.

Get the 2 things mixed up and its easy to think you;re something that you're not...
Click to expand...


you say you were in love with her, but did you have sexual relations with her as well? Being in love with both sexes does not make one bi. I've also been "in love" with women but never did anything about it because i knew that they would dump me after one night of bad sex, lol.
 
That was very well stated tallguy297. I have been trying to justify being a gay person who is in love with a woman. I should have realized that their are differnt kinds of love. You may love a food, but not the same way that you love a person! So it stands to reason that a gay person CAN love a woman, but at the same time love the pysical relationship with a man. In my case, I was in love with my wife, especally in the beggining and middle of the relationship. It was towards the end, that she got this idea that I stopped loving her, so she went out to find it from someone else. If she had not left, I know I would still be married, to her, still trying to repress my gay feelings in a homophobic religion. So I do thank her for allowing me to come out, to be who I truly am.
As for sinfulsimons question, NO I did not end the relationship! Even tho I knew I was gay, I continued in the marrage, cause for the religion we were in at the time, divorce was not the thing to do. And I felt I had an obligation to my wife, and child, to provide and care for their needs.
 
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