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From Bottom to Top???

M

Madmen

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I met a guy a few weeks ago, with whom I had been communicating with for about a month. we had a mutual exchange on an online dating site and we were able to meet a couple of weeks ago. the intimate part of our relationship has been excellent, but there's a point where he moans out the he wants me to fuck him. I've only been a top once and I'm not sure it I can do it again. I'm usually a bottom, but I fear that if I don't perform he may loose interest.

I've had a problem staying hard ever since I was in my 20's.

I'm 44, in pretty good shape - 5'10, 165 lbs. I'm usually not this fickle, i like this guy.

What should i do???

Chip
 
Don't put pressure on yourself. Don't put unrealistic expectations out there. But have a condom ready for yourself, and try to top him after rimming him, if that turns you on.

Or use a Dildo but be interactive & creative:

Use a Dildo and talk dirty.

Or use a Dildo and kiss him.

Or use a Dildo and coddle or squeeze his balls or tweak his nipples.

Find out what makes him tick. Don't take it so literally. Good luck and report back sordid details. :-)
 
I don't think your fickle. If I were you I'd talk to this guy about how you feel and see what he says.

If you guys aren't that close, forgo the conversation, and do what Lube said.
 
If this is a long term problem, have you talked with your doctor about this? Once any physical cause is eliminated, this is the exact condition that drugs like Viagara are intended to help.
 
Thanks for the comments a lot of good stuff to think about.

I guess my expectations are that i would really like to please this guy and I guess I could use some toys to help me do that.

I try to discuss my feelings, but when I do it, it sometimes comes out as a little... well let just say not good.

We plan on meeting up this weekend, but we're going to do something non-sexual.

In all my years, I have never been with someone like this guy. The first time were we at it, I was literally dizzy with excitement - it was that good. The second time, it was fine, I still had that rush, but that's when he made the comments about me fucking him. Also, I'm not used to getting head so "Mr. Peters" becomes limp - it's really embarrassing. Should I take the "blue pill (viagra)?"
 
If you have erection problems and he wants to bottom for you he could at least offer to suck you off. Many bottoms have the talent and knowhow to suck a soft or semi-hard cock to orgasm.
 
I would go to the doctor as has been suggested. Have you thought about getting any books like "The Joy of Gay Sex" or seeing a sex therapist?
 
I think I ruined myself. He does try to suck me off, but frankly, I don't have that kind of sensation and my dick goes limp. Truthfully I've never been turned on by someone giving me head. The reason I say I've ruined myself is I've been beating off since I was 13. And on an average I beat off 2 times a day - once in the morning and once before I go to bed. On the weekends, it's a different story - somethings 3-4 times if I'm bored. SOUNDS LIKE I NEED A LIFE???

I have the male sexuality book and I've tried some of the exercises, but they just don't seem to work.

What could a Sex-therapist do???

I can tell I'm really into this guy. I thought about him for the better part of the day. At the rate I'm going, I'm going to give myself a nervous breakdown just after Labor Day. Geez, I hate being so insecure!
 
You might be able to talk to a sex therapist about these issues and see if they have any advice about different things you could do in terms of positioning or asking him to change techniques. You could also talk about your feelings and insecurities with the therapist.

Have you thought about not jerking off as much?

If you can try and relax. Being anxious and insecure isn't going to help the situation.
 
I have the same problem i Bottom most of the time but i do get asked to Top once in awhile.

Topping is very hard for me..... ( I was uncut till age 5 then a rabbi circumcised me) ( I have no feeling while topping or jacking off; I need to focus on a situation to cum)


I have only been able to cum 3 times ever while topping so i mostly bottom a bit then top or vice Vs..


try to change it up and let him top you then you top him after a few mins.
 
There's both a psychological and physiological component to the problem.

You haven't "ruined" yourself by masturbating. You've just gotten used to getting yourself off. It's a learned behavior and in time, your dick will learn to get off other ways and with another person. Just be honest with the other person and have reasonable expectations that it will take a few times before you get it right.

The reason that ED drugs sometimes help in situations like this is that loss of erection becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. One time you lose your erection and then every time after that you have an irrational fear that it's going to happen again. ED drugs can help you stay hard longer which will help you get past that irrational fear that you're going to go soft at the wrong time.

But- as always- you should see your doctor, get a physical and make sure there's not a physical problem (like diabetes or blood pressure problems) that would account for your problems staying hard.
 
Thanks for the comments!

KaraBulut your post rings very true. I get very nervous about these situations and my ability to perform hinges on how comfortable I am. I have all the expectations in my head that if I'm not "up" it sets me up for disappointment. Taking a drug for ED may build my confidence which will enable me to perform.

Thank you again for all these wonderful comments.
 
Beating off is like a drug for me it's one of the few things I do, that does cost a thing and gives me that "Pleasure." I have been able to cum and surprisingly the first time I was with this guy I came twice! Amazing since, it was an issue I had with other partners.

What's different is there is no rush and it's simply not a matter of meeting up, getting off and then leaving - something I really hate. This guy has an interest in me and I think that is really helping my problem. We'll see, in time, I may become more and more comfortable and maybe anal sex is just not in the cards... we'll see.
 
Well, friend came over Friday night and then Saturday Morning. Friday, our session was so hot. We both love making out, and I love helping him get off. Yesterday, he came over and we went for a 3-4 hour bike ride. We chatted about different things along the way and just pretty much had a great time. When we returned home, I licked all the salty sweat from him all over and it really turned him on. We had another brief session of making out and he came for the second time in two days. The problem is I COULDN'T!

As soon as he went down on my I went limp. I don't know what the freak is going on, but it is making me crazy and concerned that this will lead to larger issues. I was reluctant to take the Viagra - mostly because I don't like taking drugs, but I get so turned on by this guy, I think why do I even need the drugs?

Angst, sadness and even a little depression is rearing it's ugly head. I done a search on ED and am thinking I may need to make and appointment with my doctor. I really don't want to loose this guy. though it appear the sex is our thing, I am happy just to get to know him.

At this point i'm not sure what to do. Shrink? medical doctor? drugs? vacuum pump???
 
Please consult with your doctor. Please relax as much as possible.
 
One more thing, some guys follow this script: get hard, stay hard, fuck, come, and yer done...

A lot of guys actually find it better to go back and forth....get hard, fuck for a bit, ease up, get hard again, fuck some more, pull back, go again and then come. It is a bit like "edging," and it is the way a lot of guys like to fuck. It's a longer, more gradual way to have sex, and for many people it is more erotic that way and more satisfying.

That's not how they usually shoot a porn scene, though, so some people aren't expecting that style of sex. If you think you would enjoy topping more like that, go into it with that approach.

Oh, and for someone you've only known a month, please make sure there are condoms for both of yo..
 
Thanks!

Some of my ramblings may be venting, but unfortunately, I don't have any ears to talk. Please forgive me.

I over analyze these situations and it makes me crazy. How does one turn off the voices??? I've been doing things all day, but still this guy is in the back of my head. I discovered that I've been really hungry, and becoming a little obsessive about the situation - TA DA... I'm in love. We really connected and I guess one of my problems is that I want to make this guy happy - at 44 freaking years old, I'm feeling like I was in my 20s - a little sad and pitiful. The weird thing about it is the guy has been reassuring, which makes me more crazy.

There isn't a script for us and we've been taking out time. I'm very flattered that he would spend so much time with me. The porn has been addicting. I will need to take steps to ween myself off cause I can't stand the competition - guy... porn... it's a no brainer, that the guy will win out.

We've been safe - but we haven't really done anything that is risky. Both sessions we had this weekend have left me dizzy - literally. There's a lot of passion there between us - he's felt it too. I think I may make an appointment with my family doctor to see if he can tell me something/anything.

I will try to calm down, but it is difficult. This situations only come once in a lifetime.

Cheers.
 
I'm 21 and I can't stay hard topping someone unless I'm really comfortable with them. Like we have to have been having sex for like half a year. I don't know anything about ED but I think you may have the same problem as I: you go into it thinking "I have to stay hard" and thinking like that just sets yourself up for failure. It's too much pressure. Sex isn't about pressure, it's about feeling good. Tell yourself you'll give it a shot and whatever happens happens. If he's a logical guy he won't put tough expectations on you like that.

If he has any sensual areas like nipples or something that'll make him moan/turn him on, play with those erogenous zones and in turn it may turn you on and help you maintain your erection. It'll just take time, me thinks.
 
thisisinteresting, thanks for your thoughts. It is a lot of pressure - pressure to perform. I need to go into this moments with little expectations, but that is much easier said then done. Maybe I try, yoga?

He does have hot zones and there are still areas I have yet to explore. I'm thinking that maybe me cumming won't have much affect, but I think it may.

He does love his nipples played with. I'm thinking that I may need to head to the nearest adult play store.

Just out of curiosity, How may of you have these performance issues?
 
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