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From fuck buddies, to friends, to fuck buddies, to friends, to friends with emotions.

saymyname

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I'm involved in this situation that is really starting to confuse me.

Back in January or February or so, I met this friend. Really gorgeous. Similar interests. We get along pretty well. But there has always been on a big case of bad timing between us. When we met, I was in a serious relationship. It was an open relationship so I slept with this friend. The sex was more affectionate than it was supposed to be. We kept in contact afterwards and it was clear that we kind of liked each other but I was already taken.

A few months later (June) I was single. Heartbroken and definitely not in the position to be dating, me and my friend started seeing each other again anyways. Just hanging out and having sex. After a few weeks we stop because it obviously wasn't the right time.

Flash forward another few months. We started hanging out again in September or so. This time, we really were just friends. Better then we'd ever been, because at this point I was convinced he really wasn't interested in anything else, so I didn't let my thoughts go beyond friendship. There was still some tension like when he'd lay in my bed with me after a night out before going home. But I didn't expect anything to happen, even though we did express to each other that we're still very attracted to each other.

Two weekends ago, we were going out together and we both got a little drunk. At my apartment, he told me to kiss him. So then we had this really hot and heavy makeout session that ended with him blowing me on the floor in the hallway inside my apartment. Afterwards he's all "that didn't happen."

The thing is, he met someone about a week or so before that that he likes and has been seeing. I guess you could say they've been dating. So we talked about it and he basically told me that, we're like friends with more affection because of our history, and while we both know that there is something more between us, we can't explore that right now because he wants to give this other guy a chance. I tell him how I don't really think that's fair because I never had a proper "chance" and he says I have... but I told him that being occasional fuck friends while I was taken and then heart broken is not an adequate way to measure what it could be like with me. But he says that he's made his choice and that maybe if it doesn't work out we can explore things later on, but that for now we're just friends.

What bothers me is how it makes me feel that he can so easily switch from us having a thing to us just being friends, like the emotions for him are very regulated, and then on top of that the fact that he doesn't seem to mind that, if in a month or two it doesn't work out with this guy and then he misses his chance with me (if I'm dating someone by then) that it doesn't seem to bother him. We both know we have the worst timing with each other, we've admitted this, but I wish there was a way to convince him to give me a "real" chance too. I'm starting to get jealous and I'm wondering what the best thing to do in this situation is. I know I should probably just play it cool and wait it out and see what happens with them, right? Like most new things, there's a good chance it won't last very long.
 
1st, don't get jealous as that will cloud your mind with crazy thoughts and paint a wrong picture. If he has made up his mind then it's done and you can't change that, and you should not try to. You just need to move on with your life, you can't sit there and wait for him and let life pass you by. Life goes on, it may be a bit hard for a while, but that is why it is a journey of ups and downs, peaks and valleys.

You'll find someone and it will the right time, and who knows he may come back to you in a full circle later on you never know. Don't get your self down, do your thing and live your life. If you keep dwelling on what if's it can eat you up. So stay friends don't get jealous as that's not going to look good on you, you will come out the better man in the end and he may see that, it will all be in how you handle your actions.

Good luck..
 
Thanks. Just to be clear I'm not all messed up and depressed over this or anything. It's just an ongoing thing that's a little emotionally confusing. But I'm not heartbroken or anything, just conflicted... I don't see why he fucking kissed me AFTER he started dating that guy. Bad timing to bring up that aspect of us.
 
You didn't kiss or fuck him while you were in your "relationship"

Play fair man.....level playing field and all that.

Just a thought.
 
Thanks. Just to be clear I'm not all messed up and depressed over this or anything. It's just an ongoing thing that's a little emotionally confusing. But I'm not heartbroken or anything, just conflicted... I don't see why he fucking kissed me AFTER he started dating that guy. Bad timing to bring up that aspect of us.


I hear ya, but after awhile it can just start eating away. So just let it go, he may be confused also and does not know how to deal with it either. Maybe he is trying to figure it out himself also and does not see how it is affecting you. So tell him lets just keep it clear, friends, and honest, no games. what will be will be.....
 
You didn't kiss or fuck him while you were in your "relationship"

Play fair man.....level playing field and all that.

Just a thought.

Hi, can you read? We did kiss and fuck while I was in my RELATIONSHIP. No quotation marks - just because we were sexually open doesn't mean it wasn't just as much of a relationship as anything else, thanks.

And he's not in a relationship - he's dating this guy. But I do see what you're saying in terms of level playing field, considering the situation is just a bit reversed now.
 
^

Said it better than I did.
 
God this sorta reminds me of a fuckbuddy situation I was in years ago that left me devastated. I am actually still grieving the lost of him and all the good sex we use to have...it hurts still.

Anyway I agree with the others, I think you shouldn't even bother trying to have a chance with him. I think this guy already made it clear that you are just a friend with more affection and nothing more. He seriously would have dated you if that was not the case....instead he's going out with someone else.

You are probably just a "safe".... psychological speaking- friend of his and he just enjoys the sex with you because the chemistry is hot and nothing more. I use to have a friend like that....

I say enjoy what you two have and leave it the way it is...
and continue to date.
 
](*,)](*,)

seees to me there is a lot of manipulation and controlling going on. add in a lack of sensitivity and i think you have the makings for (a fine relationship) somewhere in the future.. good luck.:wave:

eM](*,)
 
](*,)](*,)

seees to me there is a lot of manipulation and controlling going on. add in a lack of sensitivity and i think you have the makings for (a fine relationship) somewhere in the future.. good luck.:wave:

eM](*,)

I'm not sure I understand. How is the situation manipulative/controlling? On whose behalf?
 
Two weekends ago, we were going out together and we both got a little drunk. At my apartment, he told me to kiss him. So then we had this really hot and heavy makeout session that ended with him blowing me on the floor in the hallway inside my apartment. Afterwards he's all "that didn't happen."

The thing is, he met someone about a week or so before that that he likes and has been seeing. I guess you could say they've been dating. So we talked about it and he basically told me that, we're like friends with more affection because of our history, and while we both know that there is something more between us, we can't explore that right now because he wants to give this other guy a chance. I tell him how I don't really think that's fair because I never had a proper "chance" and he says I have... but I told him that being occasional fuck friends while I was taken and then heart broken is not an adequate way to measure what it could be like with me. But he says that he's made his choice and that maybe if it doesn't work out we can explore things later on, but that for now we're just friends.

What bothers me is how it makes me feel that he can so easily switch from us having a thing to us just being friends, like the emotions for him are very regulated, and then on top of that the fact that he doesn't seem to mind that, if in a month or two it doesn't work out with this guy and then he misses his chance with me (if I'm dating someone by then) that it doesn't seem to bother him. We both know we have the worst timing with each other, we've admitted this, but I wish there was a way to convince him to give me a "real" chance too. I'm starting to get jealous and I'm wondering what the best thing to do in this situation is. I know I should probably just play it cool and wait it out and see what happens with them, right? Like most new things, there's a good chance it won't last very long.

I'm going to address the points I bolded.

1. I don't buy that he forgot. It sounds bullshitty to me.

2. If he says he's made his choice, I'd take his word for it and try and move on.

3. If he doesn't care that he's missing his chance with you, I'd take his word for it and move on.

What reason would he have to delude himself and not see if things could work out better?

Anyway I agree with the others, I think you shouldn't even bother trying to have a chance with him. I think this guy already made it clear that you are just a friend with more affection and nothing more. He seriously would have dated you if that was not the case....instead he's going out with someone else.

You are probably just a "safe".... psychological speaking- friend of his and he just enjoys the sex with you because the chemistry is hot and nothing more. I use to have a friend like that....

I say enjoy what you two have and leave it the way it is...
and continue to date.

I agree with vangogh2453 here.

I'm not sure I understand. How is the situation manipulative/controlling? On whose behalf?

He seems a little like a manipulator by playing with your feelings and you seem like you would like more control of the situation than you actually have.
 
Seriously, regardless with whatever has happened between you as friends, he's made his choice with what he wants now, so you gotta deal with it and move on with your merry life without waiting for him.
 
You're in "the friend zone".

Fuckbuddies/lovers come and go. Friends stick around. Being in the friend zone isn't that bad, really.

So, he's found someone he likes. Be happy for him.

When it doesn't work out and he's wanting to come back to you and pick up where you left off, it will be your turn to decide whether to put him in the friend zone. Given the emotional nature and complicated feelings around all of this, he might be one that you want to remain in the friend zone for the long term.
 
Thanks guys. You've helped me make sense of things a bit. I just wish there was a way I could show him I have not really had my chance yet... that's the reason he's dating this guy... he thinks he already knows how it would be with me already, but the last month we've been friends, if I had known that that was some kind of trial dating period, I would have been a bit more romantic - when I thought we were just getting back on as friends, I kept it at that. Then out of nowhere last weekend he starts the kissing session, which totally caught me off guard, then we're talking about feelings, me suddenly realizing maybe I do have some. I just wish we would have done this all in a different order, the kissing before he met the guy he's dating...

I have a feeling he is kind of getting a kick out of my jealousy. I also feel like even though he's made his decision, he's comforted by the fact that it's out of the bag now that I like him too (because he can say he likes me, then jump back to 'as a friend'). Because he keeps at it. He messaged me online last night WHILE that guy was over at his house. Wtf? Why? And earlier this week, in fact twice in the last week, he invites me to come over and spend the night at his house. I'm sorry, but if we're just going to be friends, I don't think that's normal. I don't usually spend the night at my friends house in his bed. But that's what he'll want us to do, like we've been doing off and on since like February, sometimes cuddling, sometimes not, sometimes fucking, sometimes not... I guess the good thing of all of this is I realized - once it got brought up and then taken away - that I do like him a lot, it's always just been so hazy - so if it doesn't work out with this guy, maybe we can really go somewhere new next time.

But for now, I'm going to take Kara's advice.
 
Thanks guys. You've helped me make sense of things a bit. I just wish there was a way I could show him I have not really had my chance yet... that's the reason he's dating this guy... he thinks he already knows how it would be with me already, but the last month we've been friends, if I had known that that was some kind of trial dating period, I would have been a bit more romantic - when I thought we were just getting back on as friends, I kept it at that.

I think you're missing the point that if he really did think that was the trial period then he showed you how he felt about you. He basically gets to have his cake and eat it too. If he wanted to be serious with you, he would be and wouldn't be dating someone else.

saymyname said:
Because he keeps at it. He messaged me online last night WHILE that guy was over at his house. Wtf? Why? And earlier this week, in fact twice in the last week, he invites me to come over and spend the night at his house. I'm sorry, but if we're just going to be friends, I don't think that's normal. I don't usually spend the night at my friends house in his bed. But that's what he'll want us to do, like we've been doing off and on since like February, sometimes cuddling, sometimes not, sometimes fucking, sometimes not... I guess the good thing of all of this is I realized - once it got brought up and then taken away - that I do like him a lot, it's always just been so hazy - so if it doesn't work out with this guy, maybe we can really go somewhere new next time.

I have a question for you based on this last bit that you wrote. If he acted like that when he was dating you, how would you feel? If he's going to treat this guy like that, he may treat you the same way if you were to date.
 
I think you're missing the point that if he really did think that was the trial period then he showed you how he felt about you. He basically gets to have his cake and eat it too. If he wanted to be serious with you, he would be and wouldn't be dating someone else.



I have a question for you based on this last bit that you wrote. If he acted like that when he was dating you, how would you feel? If he's going to treat this guy like that, he may treat you the same way if you were to date.

That's a good point. I never thought of that.
 
Grrr he pisses me off so much. Messaged me today and we chatted online over the span of a few hours.

I asked him what he was doing tonight and he said "making food and playing videogames" and I told him I was going to a club we both go to sometimes.

Later that night, I see him at the club. I walk up to him while he's texting and say, "What are you doing here? I thought you were staying in?" and he has this big douchebag smile on his face. I was like, "you told me you were staying in. You lied." And he said "I didn't lie. That's what I was doing that part of the night... I wasn't sure what I was doing after and I didn't want to tell you and have you think you have to change your plans... I just kind of forgot to tell you..." and his guy was arriving in 10 minutes. I can't believe he smiled at me like that. I gave him a little push on the chest and said "whatever, you're so full of it" and walked away.

Saw him and his guy together later on in the night... no wonder he's so into him, he totally fulfills that straight-guy fetish he has (all throughout our friendship it's been evident that he has issues with accepting his homosexuality). The guy is fugly too. I'm guessing this one won't last long but now I'm not even sure if I'd still want to see him after.
 
Sounds crappy saymyname. :(

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. Maybe you should just move on. It seems he's revealed his true colors.
 
I'm not sure I understand. How is the situation manipulative/controlling? On whose behalf?

why don't you re-read your OP and just examine this "friend's" behaviour and how he is acting and you are reacting. it's all there and described very well in your words.

eM](*,)
 
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