From "gay" to bi...then straight.

[theworldwithout]

This is my first serious forum post, so I'm not sure how to begin this, so I guess I'll just jump right in...

About two and a half years ago I met a guy and we hit it off pretty well and became friends quite fast. After three months one night we were talking and somehow it shifted to sexuality and he told me he "thought" he was gay. I told him he should think about it and maybe experiment, with someone else because I didn't want our friendship to be all weird or something if it turned out he was straight, to see what happens.
Well, about four months went by and he told me he was bi. I was like "oh, ok, that's good for you!" and then nothing much was said about it after that.
Fast forward to the beginning of this year and he seemed more comfortable with himself, although I was and still am the only person that knows he's bi, ( although my friend's have inquired if he's gay since does seem so from time to time, but I deny it each time) and we were really comfortable around each other so I asked him out... and he jumped at the chance.
Now, the reason I'm posting:
Since until around the beginning of summer we've had a pretty relaxed relationship, but then it started to get serious, and I think it scared him. A month ago he called me and we weren't talking about much of anything important when all of a sudden he said he was straight. I thought he was joking, but then realized how serious he was while talking to me about this. I was too pissed at him to finish the conversation and just hung up on him.
To wrap this up, now he wants to stay friends... even though he's told me he feels like he can't be totally honest with me anymore, and I've told him I don't trust him anymore. And I hate to be around him now because I get so angry around him I want to kick his ass because I somehow feel betrayed and stupid for ever developing any kind of feelings for him, and I'm always saying things to get him mad.

Should I just up and end it, cutting him fully out of my life? Or should try make an effort to stay friends with him? I know what I'm feeling now is going to reside at some point, but when I get mad at someone, I usually stay mad at them for some time.

 

[jft245]

Although he may be confused, end it. You don't need him makaing your life misereable. You have feeling for him and he knows this and you developed these feeling over a long period of time, led on by things he said or did.

 

[trawler69]

At least he was honest enough to tell you rather than didstancing himself from you and ignoring you. It sounds as if he has been exploring his sexuality, you don't say if you actualy had a sexual relationship with him. He may actually still be Gay but is fighting it. Don't get angry with him, that solves nothing. Friends are very valuable, don't throw him away before you consider his feelings.

Make an effort to talk to him about howhe feels, and try to listen to understand his answers. You obviousley have a bit of a anger thing or you wouldn't have hung up on him. Try and turn that off, when you feel it building take time out to think why.

You sound quite happy with your sexuality but your friend is having issues. Be a friend to him and don't lose it if he really is straight.

 

[theworldwithout]

At least he was honest enough to tell you rather than didstancing himself from you and ignoring you. It sounds as if he has been exploring his sexuality, you don't say if you actualy had a sexual relationship with him. He may actually still be Gay but is fighting it. Don't get angry with him, that solves nothing. Friends are very valuable, don't throw him away before you consider his feelings.

Make an effort to talk to him about howhe feels, and try to listen to understand his answers. You obviousley have a bit of a anger thing or you wouldn't have hung up on him. Try and turn that off, when you feel it building take time out to think why.

You sound quite happy with your sexuality but your friend is having issues. Be a friend to him and don't lose it if he really is straight.

I've tried a few times to get him to talk about his sexuality, but he just reaffirms that he's straight and he says it was a weakness in myself for what I feel about him which just gets me even more frustrated with him.
And yeah, we did have a sexual relationship, although he was still pretty new to the idea of having sex with another guy so I was moving along slowly to make it easy on him.

 

[justdoitinnj]

The important thing here is......what do YOU want to happen?
Do YOU want to remain friends?
In order to have a friend, you must be a friend.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

This is not an easy call.

He was indicating throughout the he was exploring his sexuality.

At one point, he said, he was gay. Later on, he was bi but he jumped on the opportunity to have 'a relaxed relationship'.

Now, he says, he is str8.

No one has ever made a contract with him barring him from exploring his sexuality and declaring it (or not) one way or the other.

He is the only one, who really knows, what's going on through his head.

My 2 cents here:

Talk with him and emphasize that you still see him as your friend. You are also not pressing him into any category and he doesn't have to be a declared and outed gay dude to enjoy 'a relaxed relationship' with you. Your private life is your private life. Period.

But, you are not into wasting your emotions, time and energy on someone, who has demonstrated an inclination to play with your emotions. Tell him, that he has to be completely and absolutely honest with you and that you deserve to know the truth but that you'll handle it with utmost discretion, too.

Ultimately, you'll have to decide, what might be a possible mode of a relationship, you'd agree with him upon... . It takes 2 to tango.

Tell him that you will respect him and his emotions for as long as he takes care of doing exactly the same with yours.

SC

 

[theworldwithout]

That's the problem! I think about him and I want nothing to do with him, and yet there's a very small part of me that wants to keep something with him.

(This is to justdoitinnj response)

 

[Slansky]

This is not an easy call.

He was indicating throughout the he was exploring his sexuality.

At one point, he said, he was gay. Later on, he was bi but he jumped on the opportunity to have 'a relaxed relationship'.

Now, he says, he is str8.

No one has ever made a contract with him barring him from exploring his sexuality and declaring it (or not) one way or the other.

He is the only one, who really knows, what's going on through his head.

My 2 cents here:

Talk with him and emphasize that you still see him as your friend. You are also not pressing him into any category and he doesn't have to be a declared and outed gay dude to enjoy 'a relaxed relationship' with you. Your private life is your private life. Period.

But, you are not into wasting your emotions, time and energy on someone, who has demonstrated an inclination to play with your emotions. Tell him, that he has to be completely and absolutely honest with you and that you deserve to know the truth but that you'll handle it with utmost discretion, too.

Ultimately, you'll have to decide, what might be a possible mode of a relationship, you'd agree with him upon... . It takes 2 to tango.

Tell him that you will respect him and his emotions for as long as he takes care of doing exactly the same with yours.

SC

I disagree with this guy. End it, dude. He's just going to fuck with your head. And I'm BETTING--tell me if I'm wrong--he's got a dynamite BODY, and THAT'S why you're still wanting to keep him around!

Don't do it. You'll just get hurt. There are a LOT of good-looking GAY guys! Go find one!

 

[theworldwithout]

This is not an easy call.

He was indicating throughout the he was exploring his sexuality.

At one point, he said, he was gay. Later on, he was bi but he jumped on the opportunity to have 'a relaxed relationship'.

Now, he says, he is str8.

No one has ever made a contract with him barring him from exploring his sexuality and declaring it (or not) one way or the other.

He is the only one, who really knows, what's going on through his head.

My 2 cents here:

Talk with him and emphasize that you still see him as your friend. You are also not pressing him into any category and he doesn't have to be a declared and outed gay dude to enjoy 'a relaxed relationship' with you. Your private life is your private life. Period.

But, you are not into wasting your emotions, time and energy on someone, who has demonstrated an inclination to play with your emotions. Tell him, that he has to be completely and absolutely honest with you and that you deserve to know the truth but that you'll handle it with utmost discretion, too.

Ultimately, you'll have to decide, what might be a possible mode of a relationship, you'd agree with him upon... . It takes 2 to tango.

Tell him that you will respect him and his emotions for as long as he takes care of doing exactly the same with yours.

SC

Thanks, I will try to keep that in mind next time I can get myself to talk to him.

 

[theworldwithout]

I disagree with this guy. End it, dude. He's just going to fuck with your head. And I'm BETTING--tell me if I'm wrong--he's got a dynamite BODY, and THAT'S why you're still wanting to keep him around!

Don't do it. You'll just get hurt. There are a LOT of good-looking GAY guys! Go find one!

Actually...he's got a pretty average body, but it wasn't his body I was crazy about. I really liked his personality. Of everyone I've ever known, he was the only person that would actually keep me interested, or would disagree with me about something, and to me that was just a big draw to him.

 

[shinero]

I think if you really care for him as a person and can still be his friend without hoping for anything more than a friendship, you should remain his friend.

It is a very tricky thing becoming sexually involved with someone who is exploring their sexuality because more than not the people they explore with will most likely not be the person they make a commitment to.

 

[playboy2001]

It's pretty unfortunate when your attraction to a guy is not physical (i.e., killer bod, great sex, etc.) otherwise it's somewhat easier to shake them off since you can rationalize that it would never work over time. However, a emotional connection is another story. That aside, it may be best to just sever ties for the time being, since your feelings towards him aren't at their best to serve you mentally. And what if he is "straight", and you remain friends, and he starts dating a girl that he wants you to meet, could you handle that?

Bottom line is you feel played, and the extent of your involvement with him is emotional, and not as much physical, then everything feels unresolved; even if you were to discuss it at length with him. What's more, it sounds like when he told you he thinks he's gay, you were willing to put the fence up to keep the friendship, but later on felt as though he confided in you because he wanted to be with you. Please, correct me if I'm wrong on this assumption. Regardless, I'm sure we all have a straight guy story to tell which only resulted with some heartbreak. Overall, disconnect with the guy and maybe, overtime, you'll want to extend an olive branch. Right now, it seems that everything is pretty raw at the moment, and you don't need the added pressures of taking the high road for the sake of appearances.

 

[jerich69]

maybe this guy really like you..if he said is str8 you like him more,,. and if he said is gay u hang out wth more...and in the end he said is straight so u well fall inlove wth him..u know gays like straight guy right but for me! he just being a good friend telling what he feel in side when is wth you.. dude is a good friend hope its help

 

[Lefty]

in my book jerich is right.
the guy is telling it from his psche (msp)
he likes you, considers you a good/close friend
don't let your weiner lose your friend
weiners are a dime a dozen
friends, true gut level talk with me friends are priceless
BTW you did say you were friends, serious friends of the un fucking variety first didn't you? then go back there or lose, your choice

 

[antdak]

First let me say Hello, from a fellow Washingtonian!! I'm now in Portland, just south of you!!
This is a hard one to call! On the one hand it is not easy to loose a friend, so in that aspect I'd say keep in contact with him, it should not matter if he is str8, bi, or gay! The situation is complicated by the fact that you two were sexually involved. There is more emotion involved, but if possible let that issue go, and just be freinds! I know its all easier said then done. Good Luck to you on what ever you decide!!

 

[theworldwithout]

I'd like to thank everyone for all the advice you gave me. I'll take it and consider it, and try to weigh the pros and cons then see what I get.

Again, thank you all very much,
Eric.

 

[RicanDAB]

I may be a little late in posting to your thread to offer advice, but my take on this would be to keep him as a distant friend. This way, he will have time to figure things out on his own regarding his sexuality and in time he will realize that you are a good friend. I suspect he will eventually cave in and switch his sexuality again sometime. But be forgiving and definitely give him some space.

No one who is in the closet is ever fully and truly comfortable being in there, whether they admit it or not.

But since YOU are comfortable with who you are, going about and finding someone else who will make you happy without the head games is what should be your priority. There's never a shortage of gay men who will offer you that!

 

[JackFTwist]

If you are so unsure on losing him as a friend, that says all the more to keep him as a good close friend. So he changed his mind on a few things, youth is for trying things out.

You want to be friends, you are just holding on to your anger (as you stated). Friendship accepts the faults of others and finds a greater good.

If you are unsure, then why not keep him as a friend and get over your anger? You always can lose a friend later in life. It is hard to get a friend back after you cut him. I see the next thread: "how do I get by friend back." Avoid that. Keep your friend and let life sort it out its own way with judging who should be your friend and who shouldn't. Just live and it will resolve.

And by the way, I am one slow to anger, once angry, slow to let it go. Damn, that has fucked up my life more than once that I held on to anger too long and let that interfere with something/someone else.

 

[colemanshs]

It sounds like the whole thing kind of freaked him out a little. Give him a little time and if he still acts the same way then I guess just let him be and go on with your life.

 

[ajd2006]

I think that all he is looking for is a friend that he can talk to about his sexuality. Who cares if hes straight or bi or gay. If you rele cared for him, you would want to help him in finding happiness. And if u have to step back and let him go, i think you should. Dont just give up on him, you are the only person that he feels comfortable enough to talk to about this stuff.

I know i could have used a friend when i was questioning my preference.