From walked all over to well respected and feared. [merged]

[NeedingHelpASAP]

I've been feeling really down as of late. I'm a 23 year old homosexual male who's been suffering from depression for a very long time now. I've been mistreated and belittled basically my entire life and have never received the amount of respect that i deserve. I always feel unattractive and victimized. I always feel upset and scared to even live my life sometimes because there's always been someone there to ruin my parade. I've been consistantly depressed for some time now... but recently my depression has reached new depths. I've been thinking about what my life would be like if maybe i just ended my life. If i'm never to be where i want to be in life, or if i can NEVER have what i really want in life, or be treated the way that i really want to be treated....and SHOULD be treated.....and respected the way that i SHOULD be respected. I feel like i don't know if i could go on like that and die in my elder years knowing that i never became what i so badly wanted and never had a good time here...
The things that I would normally do in an attempt to have a break from the turmoil aren't helping anymore.
For instance I won't lie...I personally have a thing for living a sexual lifestyle and enjoying myself sexually. But when i go out to events or places with people of a sexual nature (sex parties, bathhouses, sex clubs etc...) i often find myself leaving in tears (literally) because the guys there are so rude and mean to me. It makes me feel like they are able to take my happiness away even when i try to take part in an extracurricular activity that is an escape from the pain i endure on a daily basis. Which beats me up even more. Having whatever little joy i have taken away from me by others...I cant even have a place to escape. I'm homosexual....when i go to places for meet and greats with other gays and when the guys are so cold and distant it hurts....there's no unity within my own community.
I've had experiences before in the past where my own employees were snarky to me and acted as is they were the persons of power and not myself.

I hate feeling like guys don't like me. I've never been shown affection from a guy...no warmth.......i've never felt like anyone's ever liked me. I've never had a relationship before. I've never had any friends. My family isn't great. And I just feel alone and unwanted at all times. I've had sex before but even that seems EXTREMELY COLD and distant.

I hate feeling like all guys think i'm ugly and litterally go out of their way to give negative very off putting cruel reactions vs just giving a more decent response.

Even escorts, gogo boys, strippers, and sex industry guys have been mean to me not even greeting me at events and literally ostricizing me..... it hurts. Especially since those guys are paid workers and they still refuse to be decent towards me.

I've done nothing to anyone in my life.

I've spent the entire day crying...and have been depressed for years. I need help and I have no idea of what to do.

 

[JaredPad]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

Call a suicide hot line at once!
Or go to an ER at once.
Take this very seriously and deal with professionals. I love you very much after reading your heart rending message, and would love to help, but you need more help than I can give.

 

[NeedingHelpASAP]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

I just really need advice. I've been feeling down for a really long time. I'm not going to end it now...but i've just been feeling so upset...it's scaring me. I really need advice.

 

[Kessel]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

I've been where you are man. Trust me when I say, please seek help. If you want to talk feel free to message me but PLEASE seek help as well. Trust me, it gets better I promise.

 

[JaredPad]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

I just really need advice. I've been feeling down for a really long time. I'm not going to end it now...but i've just been feeling so upset...it's scaring me. I really need advice.

First recommendation, see a Psychiatrist or Psychologist. If you've seen one in the past and not been helped, change doctors! This step is MANDATORY.

Second, (only AFTER step one) I'd highly recommend yoga as a way of attaining peace with life and a sense of well being. I have a good friend who is one of the hottest guys I've ever met. He was on a web porn site, maybe the most popular guys they've ever had. Still, he was suicidal. I recommended he try yoga one day. He is totally changed, in love with life, completely and deeply happy.

 

[PhunkSpunk]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

Call 911 or go to an emergency room. If you can't do that call:

1-866-4-U-TREVOR
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
http://www.suicide.org/index.html

1-800-398-GAYS
http://www.goaffirmations.org/site/PageServer?pagename=programs_helpline

 

[onetwothreefour]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

You deserve to feel better, and you can feel better. Let people help you. You owe yourself your life. If you are in imminent danger at all, take the advice you have seen. And whether you go to a hospital or not, find a good psychologist and psychiatrist. You deserve to feel better, and you can.

 

[careandrespect]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

It is important that you talk to a professional about your concerns. It will help to get your feelings out in the open. I recommend that you contact someone using the numbers in post #6. The feelings you have will not disappear without the assistance of a professional.

 

[hyperion]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

The best advice that can be given here has be given. Go and see a professional. No one here can give you the help you need. From the few psych courses I’ve taken, advice will not help you. You need to feel good about yourself and you’re the only one that can do that. It will take time and effort and it probably won’t be an easy road. But you are courageous enough to ask for help, share your problems, which is huge. You need someone to guide you, not give advice. You are not choosing a pair of pants, you are talking about ending your life. You’ve already taken a big step. Don’t stop now. Seek proper attention from someone how will help you help yourself, give you the tools you need to feel better about yourself. You are worth it.

 

[Telstra]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

talking suicide video:

http://www.sbs.com.au/insight/episode/index/id/406/Talking-Suicide#watchonline

 

[smakelijkus]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

Oh sweetie...so sorry to hear this! I agree with the posts above. If you feel like you're about to break, please just go to the nearest ER. They have people on staff 24-7 that can help. My mom left one day when I was 16 years old for this very reason (suicidal), she got help and things got better. Best wishes...we're thinking about you!

 

[birddog7]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

I just want to say that I know exactly, 100 percent, how you feel. I know, because I feel the same way most of the time.

I wish you well, and hope you feel better soon...

 

[cynicus]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

Been there. See a psychiatrist who can prescribe meds. The diagnosis will be major depressive disorder and it can be treated.

 

[Grant Tarredus]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

PLEASE, you dear sweet soul, PLEASE don't do anything to hurt yourself! If you did I know that I wouldn't know about it, but the thought of you doing such a thing just DESTROYS me -- your post is SO EXTREMELY moving, and has so much to say about what a wonderful man you are.
There is a glorious, deserving and happy man inside of you who is just hanging on, waiting for his chance to be discovered and to enjoy a life of his own, and you are going to have that life unless you throw your chance away, so PLEASE don't do that.
I just BEG you, on my knees, to get the professional help that you need to find your way out of this darkness, because I know for a fact that there ARE ways out. I and my brother have dealt with deep clinical depression throughout our lives, and believe me when I tell you that help and relief ARE real and waiting for you. The brain is a chemical wonderland that can soar the heavens or wade through hell, and it can be changed dramatically with the chemical treatment of drugs prescribed by a good psychiatrist.
My brother and I are both finally free from the demon of depression that threatened to kill us for years, thanks to anti depressants. PLEASE get the professional help that you need, because you DESERVE it.
YOU DESERVE LIFE AND HAPPINESS.
Both are waiting for you.
You are loved by me and by many others on this thread.

 

[bankside]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

The first advice I can give you is that asking for advice is already doing the best thing possible in the circumstances. Remember this: you don't have to figure out a path to happiness on your own. You can ask a friend for advice. You can ask a stranger for help. And depending on the circumstances, a doctor or psychiatrist too.

I've seen enough information to believe that depression can be a result of a physical problem in the brain that messes up the ability for healthy enjoyable emotions. I also believe people can be profoundly overwhelmed by things in their lives even when their brains are functioning as well as anybody's.

I'm not a doctor so I can't help you figure out if the brain is causing problems. It's something worth checking out. But the second issue - what's going on in your life - is way more wide open and I hope we can help online.

So again, this is just advice to consider, but here it is:
First, I've had 23 year old managers when I was younger than that, and when I was older than that, and I've since managed teams myself. And none of those people "had power over me" nor did I over them. We all have jobs to do. A manager's job is to support his team and make their work possible, effective, efficient, and fun. Any manager who thought he had power over me would be a) obvious, b) wrong, and c) totally unable to use influence on anyone to build consensus or gain cooperation. If you were my manager and I saw you on my side and working as hard as I was for the goals of the company, you'd never have a better employee. But if you came across like you were on a power trip, I'm pretty sure I'd be hell on wheels. My advice is, if you might even possibly be coming across like that, change your approach at work.

Second, I used to think highly sexual people were out of control or completely shallow compared to a relationship-oriented person, until I found a relationship of my own and realized how much I enjoy not just the relationship, but the actual sex too. Anyway, you go looking for sex because you're open to it, but what you say is you need the connection. That's an impossible connection for a stranger to make. I think you're not going to find the connection you need by looking for random strangers to make it happen.

But that doesn't mean you have to choose between sex and love, affection, and caring. I discovered that by accident. But it is true for all of us. You can seek out a deep connection with someone and you don't have to give up being highly sexual. But you probably need to look for that in a place where you can get to know people better first instead of in a shadowy hallway at a bathhouse.

Right now though, you need to take care of yourself, take a step back, take a breath, and let yourself feel okay about a few things first. The sexiest thing on a single man is a smile, and the knowledge that he can choose to be with you or not. That is the attractive power of self-confidence. It shouldn't take long, but it will take some time for you to get centred and feel okay about that. When you're ready, you'll be happier, in it to meet someone you like, not anyone who will do, and you'll be better able to read people's signals as to what they're offering and what they're interested in. Give yourself a chance, and ask more questions. It's not supposed to be this frustrating, and you know it because that's why you're asking for advice. We're all here

 

[evanrick]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

it seems your feelings towards being gay is what is causing your depression. its hard to not feel defined by being gay, especially when we see it as a hindrance. being gay is only a part of you. seek out other parts of you that you can feel good about, work on being comfortable with being who you are, and proud of who you are.

 

[Grant Tarredus]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

NeedingHelpASAP, have you reached out to anyone beyond this thread yet? Have you called one of the numbers PhunkSpunk listed, or called a doctor?
If not, please do so tonight. Do NOT put this off until you're feeling so bad that you can't seek help any longer.
PM me if you like.
I care.

 

[NeedingHelpASAP]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

No I haven't....I just feel too scared to call or i don't even want to....i dont want a help line....i want like real people....i cried all day today....again today

 

[Grant Tarredus]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

I'm sending you a PM (private message); look for it.
You are going to make it through this!

 

[hotatlboi]

Re: Suicidal thoughts ....help?

No I haven't....I just feel too scared to call or i don't even want to....i dont want a help line....i want like real people....i cried all day today....again today

I don't know where you are, but if you need help from real people I guarantee you it's available. If you don't know where to go, feel free to PM me.