Frustrated and discouraged

[Frustrateddiscouraged]

I'm completely frustrated and discouraged. I've tried for a year and a half to have encounters with other gay men. But none of them want anything to do with me. I'll have an encounter (99.99% of the time I regret having the encounter and roughly about 100% of the time I never see or hear from the guy ever again), be rushed to engage in sex, and usually hurried out the door as quickly as possible. Even the one encounter I had that was positive and lasted two hours ended with me requesting a second encounter some time later and being lied to (he told me he left the city) and ignored. I've gotten to the point now that I truly hate gay men. I hate supposedly straight men too. Because all they do is frighten me. You never know what they're going to do. You just know it's never good. And gay men, with all of the rules of the "gay world" have finally driven me insane. I have no place. I'm not interested in labels. Frankly. I'd rather be labeled a "faggot" than a "chub" or a "bear". It's very cute and endearing in a John Waters movie but in reality it's just insulting and I don't like it.

 

[Frustrateddiscouraged]

I knew I'd be the only one replying to my thread. Doesn't anything I've said resonate with anyone? I'm hurting. I'm 33 and I've never had straight sex with a single person. I had a 60 year old man try and insert his oversized penis in me a year ago. And an 18 year old guy ram his oversized penis in me some time later. I've rimmed a guy on the floor of his living room. I've blown a 45 year old guy twice in a year. With him not even remembering me the second time. I've been jerked off by a parolee who was living in a group home. I've gotten into a car with a strange man and had him drive me miles away to his home. Then he threw me out of his home and drove me back. I could go on and on. I'm fixated on Adam4Adam, and all of the photos that come up when you click members online in my city. I think I have some subliminal connection with all of them simply because they also live in my city. I fantasize about sedatives all of the time.

 

[Frustrateddiscouraged]

I've had no real meaningful pleasure from any of the sexual acts I've described - but I keep seeking out more. I vomited after some of them. Feeling that I'd been turned out in some way. And that I was now a whore.

 

[Laboyes]

Hey, I'm really sorry that you have had to feel this way. I can't say that what you have said particularly resonates with me, but I often find myself feeling desperate and alienated from other people enough that I just want to throw myself into something meaningless just to get it over with. Know that you are never alone, and that not all people will take advantage of you.

You clearly want something more than just sex. Have you expressed the fact that you want a term of wining and dining time before segueing into a sexual relationship? I completely understand that it can be difficult to search for something meaningful, but it doesn't seem wise to devalue oneself to satisfy others' expectations and desires. There must be some solution if you're in a place that doesn't lend itself to meaningful relationships that won't lead to physical and psychic discomfort. I can't imagine the stress you must be feeling to become sick.

I agree that labels suck. Humans are dynamic beasts bungling about on a random planet which floats within a universe that is in flux; the relative structure we seek by affixing labels to everything under the chaotic sun just reflects human myopia and pretense. It feels more organic and proper to live and do what feels right regardless of the schemas into which a specific way of life fits. The negativity accompanied with the term "whore" for instance should not necessarily exist and should certainly not change the way in which a person lives their life.

We are biologically predisposed to like sex. It should not concern you that you're trying to do something natural but rather that your desires have not been fully fulfilled by your current actions. The Church actively demonstrates the folly of opposing what is natural, and it's possible to learn from those mistakes. The quality of your encounters should probably improve to fit your needs.

I don't understand what you mean about sedatives. Do you mean for yourself as a form of escape or to administer to other people? Likewise, the idea that "you never know" what "supposedly straight men" are "going to do" seems self proving because it's impossible to know for certain what any other person is going to do (hell, even one's own actions can be unpredictable). You're dealing in absolutes, which can undermine one's subconscious understanding of the dynamics that determine personality. Know that not all people, gay or otherwise, will react negatively to the same stimulus. You seem to have had a good set of glimpses into the worst of people. There are people who will not treat you quite so badly as you have experienced.

While you might not have a physical place in which to feel accepted and safe, this and similar communities are here in part to help. I'm probably applying the filter of some of my own issues to those ailing you, but given enough time it should be possible to escape if you're locked in a location where people aren't open enough to accept you as you are. In any case, fuck rules and live the cliché, Disney life by just being yourself without acknowledging man-made social constructs that "[drive you] insane."

I don't know whether all of this babble has been at all helpful. I hope that you can find something from which you are able to derive pleasure. If you're ever feeling alone just send me a message and I can try to help if I notice the notification.


Esmund

 

[Frustrateddiscouraged]

I don't understand what you mean about sedatives. Do you mean for yourself as a form of escape or to administer to other people

I fantasize about sedatives for myself as a form of escape. I don't go to that wicked Dahmer state of mind. The people I've met - I don't want them around me for fifteen minutes much less forever. I met a 59 year old man just a mile away from me in his apartment a few weeks ago who told me while I was sitting across the table from him that he drank the urine of strangers he met on Craigslist. In his apartment. I showered and I washed all of my clothes the moment I got home. I don't think I want any more encounters with anyone. Clearly I'm doing something wrong. And I'm not learning much of anything from my mistakes.

 

[ballcaphair]

I fantasize about sedatives for myself as a form of escape. I don't go to that wicked Dahmer state of mind. The people I've met - I don't want them around me for fifteen minutes much less forever. I met a 59 year old man just a mile away from me in his apartment a few weeks ago who told me while I was sitting across the table from him that he drank the urine of strangers he met on Craigslist. In his apartment. I showered and I washed all of my clothes the moment I got home. I don't think I want any more encounters with anyone. Clearly I'm doing something wrong. And I'm not learning much of anything from my mistakes.

It sounds like you are on a quest and you're hating yourself because some deviates jump in, but that's what they do. Sedatives are no better than depression - neither of which are an escape. At a very minimum, you've got us. Bounce this shit off of us and we'll validate you. You seem to know what you do not want, so eliminate as much of that as you can. I'm not a therapist, but god knows I've seen my share. We're all ears. Do your best to visualize yourself as whole and healthy. If you think all ill and broken, you will feel that way. I paid good money for that advice. It doesn't always work at first, but it never hurts. You have us at least.

 

[Frustrateddiscouraged]

It sounds like you are on a quest and you're hating yourself because some deviates jump in, but that's what they do. Sedatives are no better than depression - neither of which are an escape. At a very minimum, you've got us. Bounce this shit off of us and we'll validate you. You seem to know what you do not want, so eliminate as much of that as you can. I'm not a therapist, but god knows I've seen my share. We're all ears. Do your best to visualize yourself as whole and healthy. If you think all ill and broken, you will feel that way. I paid good money for that advice. It doesn't always work at first, but it never hurts. You have us at least.

Unfortunately I'm on a quest to destroy myself. I try and visualize myself as young and healthy everyday. It keeps me from overdosing on sedatives. Which I think about everyday. I have been stockpiling them for a while out of some bizarre sedative worship and wanting as many around me as possible just in case I go off the rails. But that's backfiring. Because I'm thinking of taking all of them at once. I'm going to have to give them to someone to keep away from me and be given a miniscule amount each day. My anxiety has become so debilitating I don't want to live anymore. I have to read as much as I can about the progression of HIV because I troll A4A constantly looking for a casual encounter with an infected partner. I have this delusional comforting idea that if I become infected that I'll die within a few months. It's just not realistic. I'm glad I haven't gotten any responses to most of the conversations I try and start with the men.

 

[eastofeden]

Hi....

Please talk to a professional...seriously...you need to address the sedative problem. It can be addressed and overcome....I promise. You need someone to help you understand and process this....

The self destructive thing is not about other gay men..it goes deeper...and you need to find the root of it. You can do this with the right professional help.

There are so many resources for LGBT people...and lots of professionals who understand....so hopefully you live in or near an area where there is help available....

Here is an excellent page with the resources and information you might need....

http://www.pride.com/lgbt/2016/6/13/get-started-guide-lgbt-mental-health-resources

I wish you luck...and since you reached out here..I am hoping you reach out to one of the people on that page....

 

[Frustrateddiscouraged]

The root of it is I have no purpose. Everything I do is a colossal waste of time and energy. From walking ten miles one day to meet a guy who wouldn't even answer his phone on the proposed day of the meet to pestering and attempting to harass every man I come into contact with on A4A and Craigslist. It's a big joke. Like a little kid throwing punches and attempting to fight an adult; while the adult simply uses one hand to hold the kid back. That's like what I am. Nobody even cares. I can't sleep right now thinking about it. I'm training my brain to become an insomniac. Every night I get into bed and I dread it. I don't feel important to anyone or that I'm worth anything. I've been collecting disability for my entire adult life and now I want out. But I can't get out. Even this thread is a waste of time and energy. I've been here before and banned a number of times. I don't listen to anyone or do anything I'm told. I wish I had no one to talk to - it doesn't do me any good anyhow. I'm just a troublemaker

 

[KaraBulut]

Unfortunately I'm on a quest to destroy myself...

The root of it is I have no purpose. Everything I do is a colossal waste of time and energy...I'm just a troublemaker

Pause for a moment and read this. Would you want to go out with you?

Here's the thing: it's difficult to be around someone who is negative. It's even more difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is negative.

Maybe you should focus on being someone that you would want to date?

If you don't have the ability or the focus, then it's time to seek the help of a professional- maybe first see your doctor to make sure that there's nothing physically wrong... after that, look for a therapist who works with people with depression and self-image issues.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

The root of it is I have no purpose. Everything I do is a colossal waste of time and energy.

It´s called ennui. You´ve had it so good that you take it all so easily for granted.

 

[aaggii]

Go seek a therapist, the sooner the better. There´s not much you can find on a forum when the roots of your issues are so low you can´t even see them.

 

[Frustrateddiscouraged]

Go seek a therapist, the sooner the better. There´s not much you can find on a forum when the roots of your issues are so low you can´t even see them.

Thank you. I know I don't belong here. I think I'm psychotic. I'm experiencing terrible sleep anxiety every time I go off the rails. I'm convinced right now that watching the x-files somehow supernaturally affected my brain. Or that using multiple kinds of sedatives every night somehow damaged my brain and that I won't sleep now. I'm ready to start flushing my pills. I won't be around here much longer.

 

[Frustrateddiscouraged]

It´s called ennui. You´ve had it so good that you take it all so easily for granted.

You may have some supernatural ability to see into my brain. Yes, I've been taken care of by society for my entire adult life. Now I'm rebelling against it. I'm also rebelling against bedtime. Here we go again. Like a child.

 

[ballcaphair]

Thank you. I know I don't belong here. I think I'm psychotic. I'm experiencing terrible sleep anxiety every time I go off the rails. I'm convinced right now that watching the x-files somehow supernaturally affected my brain. Or that using multiple kinds of sedatives every night somehow damaged my brain and that I won't sleep now. I'm ready to start flushing my pills. I won't be around here much longer.

It may seem too general, but these symptoms of coming off the rails are just facets of anxiety. You cannot imagine the ways it will manifest. That is how it works. It will make you super sensitive and suggestible. That is also how it works. Do take the advice of eastofeden.

http://www.pride.com/lgbt/2016/6/13/...alth-resources

 

[aaggii]

Thank you. I know I don't belong here. I think I'm psychotic. I'm experiencing terrible sleep anxiety every time I go off the rails. I'm convinced right now that watching the x-files somehow supernaturally affected my brain. Or that using multiple kinds of sedatives every night somehow damaged my brain and that I won't sleep now. I'm ready to start flushing my pills. I won't be around here much longer.

There is no hidden message in my post, of course you belong here. But you have to get rid of that negativity, otherwise you´ll push people away online just like you did in real life.

I don´t know if you´re psychotic or just suffer from a bad, bad case of depression/anxiety/whatever. That´s why a few members here told you to seek professional help. It works, trust me, you´re not the only one in this position and just having someone to talk to and possibly medication, things will slowly get better for you.

I don´t know where you live, but normally a therapist should be free, included in your social security. There´s nothing to lose and no one will think you´re insane. But you need some help. Go get it and come back and tell us how it works for you. Just be patient. The brain can fuck itself up, it´s not your fault!

 

[Frustrateddiscouraged]

It's frightening to think your life is being stolen from you. And I most certainly believe it is. I have no days anymore where I feel engaged, happy, or relaxed. I don't go to sleep without sedatives, I don't look forward to the next day. I feel it's just going to be another day with pain and stiffness in my muscles all day from being restless and unsettled. And anxious. I don't relax when I lie down in bed at night. I fantasize about how I can kill myself without prolonged suffering - and I see no way. Besides barbiturates. Which are essentially unavailable to the vast majority of people. Even terminally ill people have extreme difficulty obtaining them. I know what's going to happen to me. Eventually, I'll lose all ability to manage my anxiety and depression. And I'll end up on major tranquilizers which will destroy my good physical health. I'll end up with tardive dyskinesia. Akathisia. Or some other permanent nervous system disorder. My life and health is going to be stolen from me. And I know it. I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life. I had no idea when I was younger that I'd lose my mind one day. I'm thinking of an old VHS tape from the early 90's that I use to own - a video shot of me singing with my elementary school class at a school assembly. I was around six or seven. I can't believe what I've done to that child. It's the only feeling I have anymore that brings me to tears and actually makes me 'feel'.

 

[Seasoned]

You ought to have a complete physical and mental health workup, including your medications being checked for side effects. You ought to keep getting second opinions until your health stabilizes. Be 100% honest with any healthcare professional.