Frustrated College Senior

[abk278]

Hey Guys,

I've never really posted but I really feel the need to vent right now. I'm about to start my senior year of college and I've become extremely frustrated with my total alienation from the gay part of myself--I realize that that's a pretty awkward way to phrase it, but I think that sums it up best.

I'm the first to admit that this alienation is entirely my fault. I have a great group of friends at school and at home, but they're all straight. Yes, they all know I'm gay and they're all cool and supportive, but there's a kind of disconnect there. Especially with my guy friends, sports and sex will always get in the way of us totally 'clicking.' I don't go out of my way at all to make gay friends because I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm not into the scene, and while I have a few gay acquaintances, I honestly don't really like them enough to reach out in a vulnerable, emotional way. Also, I feel very safe within my circle of friends. I was pretty dorky and effeminate as a kid and I think my friendships are like a direct compensation for that on my part.

I have a bi fuckbuddy at home and that's enough to tide me over from time to time. I really would like a boyfriend though. And while I think I'm reasonably attractive, I seriously have zero self-confidence when it comes to guys. The two times that I've hooked up with guys at college, I've needed to be totally shitfaced to make a move. I still have a huge crush on a guy that I had a one night stand with sophomore year--after it happened, I wanted so badly to write him an email to try to reconnect but of course I pussied out and we've spent the past two years avoiding eye contact whenever we see each other. I'd actually really like to write him an email now, at least by way of apology, but I feel like after a year and a half that would be creepy and sort of inappropriate--I also think I'd risk humiliation, on the chance that he'd tell his friends (cute gay guys) all about it.

So, I don't know that I'm looking for a solution, but I really wanted to write it all down and just throw it out there. I already regret the past three (maybe the past seven?) years and I doubt anything will change that. But this frustration is really starting to get in the way of me enjoying my life at all.

Thanks, sorry this was so long!

 

[G-Lexington]

Don't regret the past. Learn from it.

>>> I'd actually really like to write him an email now, at least by way of apology, but I feel like after a year and a half that would be creepy and sort of inappropriate--I also think I'd risk humiliation, on the chance that he'd tell his friends (cute gay guys) all about it.

Why not? Shoot him an e-mail. Say, "Hey, it's been a while. I'd love to catch up. Let me know if you'd like to grab a coffee or something." If he hasn't told his friends about it yet, he presumably won't do it just because you reinitiated contact.

And I don't know what the "gay scene" is like on your campus, but at our college, the gay student union had the best dances. (Even the frat boys knew that.) So go to a couple events, see what happens.

Lex

 

[M4P]

Hi abk278

Thanks for posting in our forum

I want you to know that you're not alone and what you're feeling and going through is not unique. As I'm sure you've already realized, there is a very diverse group of guys who post in this forum with a wealth of knowledge and experience

Is there a GLBT association at your college? If so, why not check it out. You might find some groups and possibly sports teams to join where you might make a few friends

Also, I'm with Lex - send the email. He just might be thinking the same thoughts you are

Best of luck to you. Keep on posting here and let us know how you're doing

B_1

 

[provenlogic]

I'd go ahead and write him an email. Seriously, he's not going to think it's creepy. What's the WORST that could happen? He says he's not interested. But in all likelihood he may be interested. Maybe he'd like to go out again sometime, or hang out with you. Perhaps if you two hang out a few times you might get introduced to those cute gay friends and find yourself with a good circle of gay friends to complement the str8 buddies you have now. Honestly, i see no downside in sending the guy an email.

 

[iosif2]

Did you ever consider that this mutual avoidance might stem from your discomfort? He might be assuming that you regret having hooked up with him and doesn't want to push it. No apologies are needed my friend. Just write him an e-mail stating how fondly you remember the session you had and would be willing to hook up again. I agree with provenlogic. You have nothing to lose, and he won't make it an issue with his friends if he already hasn't done so. Good luck.

 

[tonyboy]

Hey Guys,

I've never really posted but I really feel the need to vent right now. I'm about to start my senior year of college and I've become extremely frustrated with my total alienation from the gay part of myself--I realize that that's a pretty awkward way to phrase it, but I think that sums it up best.

I'm the first to admit that this alienation is entirely my fault. I have a great group of friends at school and at home, but they're all straight. Yes, they all know I'm gay and they're all cool and supportive, but there's a kind of disconnect there. Especially with my guy friends, sports and sex will always get in the way of us totally 'clicking.' I don't go out of my way at all to make gay friends because I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm not into the scene, and while I have a few gay acquaintances, I honestly don't really like them enough to reach out in a vulnerable, emotional way. Also, I feel very safe within my circle of friends. I was pretty dorky and effeminate as a kid and I think my friendships are like a direct compensation for that on my part.

I have a bi fuckbuddy at home and that's enough to tide me over from time to time. I really would like a boyfriend though. And while I think I'm reasonably attractive, I seriously have zero self-confidence when it comes to guys. The two times that I've hooked up with guys at college, I've needed to be totally shitfaced to make a move. I still have a huge crush on a guy that I had a one night stand with sophomore year--after it happened, I wanted so badly to write him an email to try to reconnect but of course I pussied out and we've spent the past two years avoiding eye contact whenever we see each other. I'd actually really like to write him an email now, at least by way of apology, but I feel like after a year and a half that would be creepy and sort of inappropriate--I also think I'd risk humiliation, on the chance that he'd tell his friends (cute gay guys) all about it.

So, I don't know that I'm looking for a solution, but I really wanted to write it all down and just throw it out there. I already regret the past three (maybe the past seven?) years and I doubt anything will change that. But this frustration is really starting to get in the way of me enjoying my life at all.

Thanks, sorry this was so long!

ABK, not too long a post so don't worry about that. As far as your friend, if he wanted to tell his friends about you he's proably already done so. And so what?
Write that email to him.
Noting ventured nothing gained.
At the very least you'd still have the same relationship with him that you do now (none) and at the best you two might become friends again... not necessarily lovers but friends. And man, I can tell you that a good friend, a lifetime friend is far better than a temporary lover.
Just remember that your former one night stand may have been in it just for the one night stand. That's how it is sometime. And you've to decide if you want to have him as a regular friend or as a boyfriend. He could have made contact with you if he'd wanted to...as you said you've passed by each other in the recent past, and neither of you have acknowledged the other. Not all your problem man, he could have spoken to you if he'd wanted to.
So try the email. If nothing comes of it, then just move one. You are still a young guy my friend. Yeah, I know you are horny all the time.... that is how it is when you are in your teens and twenties. But that's the way it goes.

And I'll have to say that what you wrote about having 'zero confidence' when it comes to guys. Well man, that is just not fair to yourslef. Holy shit dude, you write well and you obviously have some brains in your head. You are sensitive and have grown past your former dorkiness. You've come much too far in your life to be afraid now.
Stick with what you are doing. Keep up with your friends. And when you decide to get a bit closer to the gay life you will, and if you decide you don't want to nothing wrong with that either.
It's your life man. You seem to have made some pretty good decisions so far, and I trust you to continue doing so.
a friend

 

[rareboy]

I already regret the past three (maybe the past seven?) years

We don't get enough years in our lives to spend regretting the past.

Good heavens, write the guy an email. Tell him that you enjoyed him and would like to reconnect as friends.

...and then get out there and start to make new friends as well as keeping the old.

 

[pausanias_usa]

Drop it all. College is just a test. Life comes after that.

 

[jockboy01]

Write that email to him.
Noting ventured nothing gained.
At the very least you'd still have the same relationship with him that you do now (none) and at the best you two might become friends again... not necessarily lovers but friends. And man, I can tell you that a good friend, a lifetime friend is far better than a temporary lover.

I agree completely. Write the email... there is absolutely nothing to lose, except maybe the awkwardness between you two.

And don't worry, we've all been there.