Frustrated... don't know if it's with cowardice of friend or his crazy bf

[Nerd12]

Hey Guys,

I'll try to keep this short. I met a friend online a couple years ago that has always been a good friend to me. We've never met, though we planned to, but we talked through AIM, video chat, and text message. I've always seen him as a really good friend and so has he, though at one point, he confessed to me that he had a crush on/liked me. So anyway, since the beginning of our friendship, I've been aware of his on and off boyfriend, Joe. They were together for a couple years before I met him and have been "serious". Here's the thing, I DISLIKE HIM.

When I had a Myspace, Joe deleted me from my friend's page twice. The first time it happened, I thought my friend didn't want to talk to me anymore so I asked him about it. He said he didn't know what happened and I re-added him. About a month or two later, I was deleted again. This time, he told me that it was his boyfriend who was behind it because he didn't him to talk to other guys. From what my friend had told me about Joe before, I knew he was extremely jealous and possessive over my friend so I left it at that. We continued talking on AIM like friends for months. We spoke a lot more during last summer, and this was the point where he confessed this feelings to me.

Last September, we started talking more often, filling each other with the details of our college life. I added him on Facebook and we talked for quite sometime until november, when I was deleted from his facebook. I knew Joe was behind it but I wasn't mad at my friend. So I waited for him to go on AIM so I can tell him that it happened AGAIN. He didn't ever come online, or so I thought. 4 months later, I begin to wonder what happened to him. In the period between our last conversation on AIM and then, I had created a new screen name that I hardly used. I decided to add him on my buddy list there and voila, he was online. I had been blocked. I IMed him and asked him whether or not he wanted to continue talking to me because I honestly didn't know anymore; I wasn't sure if Joe was behind that. He told me that Joe had made him pick between me and him. That if he wanted to remain with him, he would have to stop talking to me. He told me he wanted to make Joe happy so he did what he though was best and he would ultimately regret it (apparently). They went out for awhile but then broke up. He apologized and told me that he'd understand if I didn't forgive him, but I did because I missed talking to him. We talked again for the entirety of the semester and were probably closer than ever before (still as really good friends).

I tried getting in touch with him tonight because we hadn't spoken for a while and he hadn't been replying to any of my IMs and I was deleted again from his facebook. I feared Joe (who had got back with him)nhad gotten to delete me again. He finally replied back to me and said "Sorry man but I can't talk to you again :/ U understand" to which I told him that I didn't understand it but I understood that it was best for him so "whatever" and he said thanks and managed to block me AGAIN. it was a good while before I could process what had happened.

This is the thing, me and him are/were really close. He told me (after he told me that he had chose Joe over my friendship the first time around) that he loved having a gay friend like me because he knew that I wasn't just trying to hook up with him but that I was a serious friend and I felt the same with him. We were HONEST friends. Joe, on the other hand, is a complete douche. Since I first started talking to my friend, I've thought him as a complete jerk. Not only is he possessive, jealous, manipulative, and psycho, but he broke up with my friend (after he made him block me) because he started going out with some guy who he was using for sex. My friend knew but Joe kept telling him that he didn't love the guy, that he only loved him and he was going to get back with him. My friend did wait for him and it happened and it's led to this.

I'm so frustrated now! I think it's completely stupid for Joe to consider me a "threat" to his fucked up "relationship" with my friend. This time however, I don't know whether to be mad at him only, or at my friend too. After telling me that he regretted what he did the first time to me, HE DID IT AGAIN! although, this time, he did it to my face! I'm pretty sure he was with Joe when he told me that tonight, because of the way he was replying so part of me is letting him off the hook because he might have been put on the spot but then again I'm furious because he did it again, and if it was like the first time, it was against his will!

I'm not sure what to do. I'm frustrated right now but I'm really hurt too. The first time this happened, it was at the worst time...I was very depressed and his absence (which I was unaware he was responsible for) didn't help at all. I told him this and he said he was so sorry yet here it goes happening again! I'm trying to live a happier life so I refused to argue with him (which explains my easiness with how I replied to him) but I'm finding it hard to look at the "bright side". I have his phone number although I don't know if he's changed it since we haven't been in touch through phone since last summer. Should I try getting in touch with him and hope he's not with Joe? I feel so down now.

 

[Runewell]

Hmmm...well really, you've given your friend the benefit of the doubt once already. I think that's enough, and what you need to do now is get in touch with your friend and basically ask him to make a decision. Don't be evil about it or anything, but you need to let him know that if he doesn't assert himself with Joe (it might come down to kicking Joe to the curb), then you won't be able to keep being his friend because it's too hard, and isn't fair to you.

I don't know how much your friend is really trying to fix this, but it seems like he's getting cheated too. It might be a low-blow for you to bring it up, but if you guys are still close, he'll listen to you.

Basically, don't accuse him yet of anything; instead state your case, and do your best to let him know you really value his friendship and want to keep it that way, so he's going to have to do something about Joe. Ask him to make a decision, for both your sakes. As a way of backing up your end of the deal, tell him that if you don't hear from him again, you'll assume that Joe struck again and you won't make anymore attempts to contact him unless he contacts you first.

Again, I'm not saying ditch your friend (please don't do that!!!), but instead do your best to get him to make the decision himself.

 

[Nerd12]

Thanks Runewell. As much as I hope that he'd kick Joe to the curb, I know he won't. Initially, I'd always tell him that he deserved a lot better, and at times he seemed to believe it too, but in the end, he'd always wind up with Joe again. After a while, I stopped trying to divert him from Joe but instead tried making him realize what he truly wanted, even if it was Joe. At one point, I thought I briefly understood their messed up relationship, but it quickly passed. Even after Joe was with other guys he still believed he'd come back to him. I know he wouldn't pick me over Joe, albeit it would not be an easy decision.

You're absolutely right and he needs to know that I want a definite answer from him. I went through hell the first time around, not because of him, but because of other things, and it wouldn't have been as bad if I had him to talk to. It's not fair to me at all. I'm just trying to think of the best way to talk to him when he's alone and that's hard since that's something I can't possibly know.

 

[rareboy]

Make new Facebook friends.

Or better yet.

Make a real, live friend.

You're old enough now that you don't need imaginary 'friends'.

Forget the hurt. Forget the Drama. Forget Joe and your fucked up buddy.

 

[Nerd12]

Thanks for the advice Rareboy, but this wasn't an imaginary 'friend', nor a facebook friend. Either way, this was a real friend, but apparently there's nothing for me to do but move on.

 

[spencer]

If he's not a facebook or myspace or AIM friend than communicate with him in methods that Joe can't have control over. Can you text or e-mail him? Better yet, call or hang out with him.

I don't get what you put so much stock in computer stuff with him when you know Joe is messing shit up for you. Knowing that, then don't try to communicate with that medium.


Ask him to lunch or a movie intstead.

when's the last time you've seen him? if it's been awhile then you've not built up and nurtured your friendship correctly because humans crave more that IM's and social networking. hopefully he didn't put you in the category of he can turn you off and turn off the computer whenever he wants.

 

[KaraBulut]

You're upset and angry with the wrong person.

The person that you should be angry and out of patience with is your friend- not his boyfriend.

Your friend made a choice. He chose a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship over a friendship. For those of us who believe that lovers come and go but friendship is for a lifetime, it's a sick choice but it was his to make.

There are plenty of people out there who need real, real-life friends (i.e. not text buddies, not drinking buddies, not fuck buddies). Go find one and move on.

 

[bankside]

You're upset and angry with the wrong person.

The person that you should be angry and out of patience with is your friend- not his boyfriend.

Your friend made a choice. He chose a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship over a friendship. For those of us who believe that lovers come and go but friendship is for a lifetime, it's a sick choice but it was his to make.

There are plenty of people out there who need real, real-life friends (i.e. not text buddies, not drinking buddies, not fuck buddies). Go find one and move on.

Yup. This sums it up well.

 

[rareboy]

I met a friend online a couple years ago that has always been a good friend to me. We've never met,

Sorry. He was imaginary for all intents and purposes.

And not worth your time.

Same advice as before. Make a friend that you can have in the same room. Look into their eyes. Get the full measure of them.

Not just some virtual idea of what they're like as a person.

 

[Nerd12]

Okay, so I'm totally sorry for bringing this back up after over a year, but I was looking through my threads and I found this and thought it would be nice to let y'all know what happened.

So basically, I ended up transferring schools because I was utterly depressed at my former school, and ended up running into him there. I already knew he was there, but it wasn't a major concern for me since I was finally happy to be somewhere I felt right in. Anyway, one day I saw him eating lunch in the cafeteria and so I approached him and told him something along the lines of "Hey, I don't know if I can be talking to you but I just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing", which led to like a 20 second awkward exchange of words. After that, he ran into me later on and said hi, so I felt like it would be okay to ask him to hang out one day, and we did.

Turns out he's still with Joe, and I can't communicate with him online or over the phone really, but when I see him at school, we usually hang out for a while and it's nice. I think I just had to accept that he couldn't be the friend I wanted him to be, and I'm okay with that because he doesn't have to be that friend I was looking for.

And for the record, I was really upset about losing his friendship before because I was depressed and lonely when that happened, and he had always been someone who I enjoyed talking to and whose absence I truly felt.

That's my story!

 

[rareboy]

What is it about moving on that seems so difficult to do?

Answer this and you'll be free.

Is it because you'll only feel validated by a 'win'?

I wouldn't waste any more time.

Think of all the people you haven't been meeting because you're still hung up on maintaining some 'relationship' with this guy.

 

[Nerd12]

Oh, I transferred schools last year so this all happened then. I'm completely over it now. Before, I was expecting a lot more from him; Now I don't expect anything. When we cross paths, we say hi and that's it. I've met tons of great friends already that are exactly what I was expecting of him.

 

[Ninja108]

Oh, I transferred schools last year so this all happened then. I'm completely over it now. Before, I was expecting a lot more from him; Now I don't expect anything. When we cross paths, we say hi and that's it. I've met tons of great friends already that are exactly what I was expecting of him.

Thanks for the update but IMO, revisiting the past,even if it's to let us know isn't a good idea. You've moved on and have met friends that treat you right. Focus on them...and forget the past.