Frustrating Situation

[Blissful Fool]

I'll try to be as brief as I can here. I lurk here occasionally and only very rarely post. What bothers me most in the following situation is that normally I'm incredibly level headed, detached, and logical, which lets me analyze situations with ease and make informed choices, whereas here, I'm having a lot of trouble with objectivity.

There's this guy who I go to school with (in college) who's just a little bit younger than me. I found out just a few weeks ago that he's bi, (I thought he was attractive, but thinking he was straight, he was never really on my radar) and started to develop a bit more of a crush. The problem here though, is that he has a girlfriend. So we've been hanging out more and more, and it seemed there was some definite flirting, and I recently discovered that even though he's had a girlfriend, he's had a crush on me for about as long (they've been together for four months now).

This is frustrating in and of itself, but the solution is simple, I should back out because it isn't my place. Unfortunately, us and a few friends were hanging out, then me and him went off by ourselves, and things got a bit heated. We made out and a few other things, and despite my feeling guilty, it was great. In the heat of the moment, he said a lot of things as well, confessing that he'd had a crush on me for some time and wished we'd been able to meet or get together like this before him and his girlfriend did. I was simultaneously upset and overjoyed: ticked at myself for breaking my own moral code, but at the same time, it's probably the happiest I've been in upwards of a year.

The next day I texted him and we met up and spoke about it, and I already decided on what it felt was right to do. I admit to him that I had a great time and definitely felt there's some kind of spark between us (an almost instinctual one) and did not want this to be a one night stand. However, I made it clear that as long as he has a girlfriend, I can't continue to do anything like that with him, to which we agreed and promised to stay friends without things being awkward. He also explained to me that he was honest with his girlfriend and explained everything to her, and that she's ticked, but they're still together.

Basically, all throughout, I've inadvertantly been playing the bad guy. D'oh. My problem is, this crush of mine has spiralled a bit, and I really really do like him and if he were single, would like to be in a relationship with him. Their relationship is a rollercoaster, and they're almost invariably miserable: they're the kind of couple that's all hugs and kisses one day, then at each others throats and having ridiculous fights the next. She tends to be overtly controlling and wants to spend so much time with him she prevents him from going to class and such, which is a problem.

I guess what I'm asking is... am I crazy for liking him? Part of me wants to hold out on this (especially since there are NO opportunities that I'd be passing up anyway) if they break up, but the logician in me is telling me that's obviously a terrible plan because, tense or not, they may never break up (in theory). Furthermore, if they do break up, I wouldn't want to be a rebound because I do feel a real connection here, so there's the question of "how long should I wait," which is entirely hypothetical anyway. Furthermore, he's also had a long-term crush on another girl who in no way returns the sentiment. It's decreased a lot since it's inception, but it is still there.

What I don't understand is, I feel like all the signs say to turn away. He's in a relationship, has a small crush on another girl, and a whole slew of other problems. But I just can't CONVINCE myself of any of that, and all I can think about is how much I like him and how much of a connection I feel that I don't want to pass up on, because I NEVER feel this way about a guy. The whole thing is a nest of complications, and while I've decided on a course of action (step aside and rectify my mistake by supporting him in what he chooses to do, IE work on his relationship) the plain and simple fact is I'm not happy, and I've been kind of depressed ever since I stepped aside.

 

[altlover85]

I guess what I'm asking is... am I crazy for liking him?

The whole thing is a nest of complications, and while I've decided on a course of action (step aside and rectify my mistake by supporting him in what he chooses to do, IE work on his relationship) the plain and simple fact is I'm not happy, and I've been kind of depressed ever since I stepped aside.

No, I don't think you're crazy for liking him.

I think you are doing the right thing by stepping aside.

Can you hang out with other people so that you can have some space from him?

 

[gingentleman]

basic psychology says we are always most attracted to that which we cannot have. Therefore, you should MOVE ON, find someone else to be involved with, someone who is not involved with a drama-bitch! PLEASE do yourself a favor and stop torturing yourself over this dude!

 

[bankside]

He doesn't seem to be able to focus, does he? A few different crushes going on. It's great for the rest of us who turn him on because we can take it like a compliment.

But it has to make it a lot harder for anyone to actually be in a relationship with him, male or female.

Also, he's in a four month relationship. He doesn't really even know this woman. Yet after four months he should have at least some idea if it's headed in the right direction or not. So if after only 4 months he finds himself making out with other people, that should be a clue for him to realize that it's not heading in the right direction. But he doesn't seem to be picking up on that.

He needs to figure out that he's not all that into this woman, and that he's probably never going to see her as the centre of his world. If he figures that out, and you're still around, and he doesn't flake out and just chase after the next hot person he meets, then ask him out

 

[Seasoned]

The only wrong thing I see her is using her behavior or personality as an excuse to have a crush. What the two of you have been doing has been consensual. At your age I don't see anything wrong with playing with him as long as you are also seeing other guys.

 

[KaraBulut]

What I don't understand is, I feel like all the signs say to turn away. He's in a relationship, has a small crush on another girl, and a whole slew of other problems. But I just can't CONVINCE myself of any of that, and all I can think about is how much I like him and how much of a connection I feel that I don't want to pass up on, because I NEVER feel this way about a guy.

Those signs are there for a reason.

You should pay attention to those signs.

He's involved with one girl. He has a crush on another girl. And he's sneaking off with you.

That's a great start for a relationship, isn't it?

Connections don't make a future. Connections are all well and fine but connections with guys who can't make commitments are just setups for people getting hurt. And that's what is going to happen here if you don't take a pass on this mess.

 

[Blissful Fool]

I appreciate the criticism a lot. I certainly hadn't thought of myself of using her behavior as an excuse at all, but perhaps I have been, and I need to re-examine that.

I'm definitely stepping back from things, maybe giving it some time. If, down the road, they break up and I'm single, I'd like to speak with him, and tell him that if he still likes me some time decently after he breaks up and gets his head together, I could pursue something. He's a great guy and a good friend, even if he is going through some rough things right now.

Either way, the things are now would be an awful start. I'm not going to wait around for them to break up, and I'm going to be supportive of whatever it is he puts his mind to and hope he can push past all this confusion. From the time I've known him, this is definitely the exception, not the norm, so I don't think he's a massive flake or likely to cheat, and I was proud that the FIRST thing he did was immediately confess to his girlfriend. If possible, I'm thinking of trying to find her and apologize in person myself, because although it took both of us, I should have had the sense to stop it.

At the very least, my immediate plan is to stand back, gain some distance, and let things play out without involving myself or getting further in emotionally.

I'm not going to "Wait around" but there's very little field to be exploring, so chances are I'm not going to be seeing other guys. But I have varied groups of friends so it's not like I see him every day, having distance is pretty easy.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I've been in your situation, and know why you're floating on cloud 9... however, guys like him will probably never commit 100%. If he's cheating on his girl with you, he will most likely cheat on you with someone else.

Yes... you may eventually get him to be 'yours', but in the end I doubt you'll want him after having him for a while.

I think you're in for a lot of heart ache in the long run.

 

[Lefty]

First,

We define girlfriend...is this a committed relationship? A together lots...a
timely fuck? Just a chick he sees?

Second,

Other people....what the fuck, we all have and will have some side
issues about other people of ANY sex. People are attracted to people....That
is Biology 101.

Third,

You..do you want to establish a relationship with the guy....get to know him as
a friend and buddy as well as a possible companion or do you really just want
to fuck?

Fourth,

Answer the above truthfully and remember, it is his choice ultimately...just don't
do a date rape thing or roll over and spread them either..

 

[FunFunk]

How interesting I can use the film I saw just last night as an example on these forums again.

Blissful Fool, I saw a film called Heartbeats in which the characters somewhat share a similar situation that you're in. Two best friends (roommates, actually), one a gay man, the other a straight woman become friends with a third person, a gorgeous man whose orientation is not clear. He spends time sleeping in their apartment, in which they share a large bed. They're intimate but not sexual. However, the two original friends each strongly desire the new, third friend and want something sexual.

Meanwhile, the newcomer is also quite popular and can clearly have anyone he chooses to have. All of this drives the original two friends crazy in their own ways. They each want something from him that he cannot or will not provide. And they both suffer because of it.

Seem a little familiar? Part of the reason the film is as wonderful as it is, is that such things happen in real life to many people.

In your particular case, I think you did the right thing by distancing yourself from him. You can try to be platonic friends (though in my experience, when romantic or sexual feelings have developed, that's easier said than done) if you want, but it's best to not involve yourself personally with him. It seems as if you want a more committed relationship and expect your partner to be as such. And it seems as if he is not ready for such a relationship and possibly never will.

Also, while apologising to his current girlfriend would be a nice gesture, I don't think I would recommend it. It would be another way of involving yourself with him and would just protract any pain and frustration all of you may be feeling.

Just make a clean break for now. You'll find another prospect in the not too distant future, even if the pickings may seem slim right now.

 

[Blissful Fool]

Again, I appreciate the responses. I’ll try to be as detailed as possible here. I’m not particularly prone to these sorts of situations, and in the time I’ve known this guy, he isn’t either. He’s considered himself bi until now, but I’m his first time doing anything with a guy, so there’s a decent amount of confusion on his part. This is both of our first times being involved in such a messily complicated situation.

His current relationship is a committed relationship, which is why I’ve completely stepped out of the picture and am not interfering in anyway. Like I mentioned above, they’ve been together about 4 months.

As for my intentions, I would like to just maintain a good friendship from here out. I know him somewhat well, and IF things turn that way in the future, maybe strike something up and see where feelings take me, but only if it’s very removed from the current situation with some time for everyone to heal and grow and gather their thoughts a little. I’m not thinking of this TOO intensely, because it’s out of my hands entirely and is a complete hypothetical at best, so I’m fine just being friends.

Now that I’ve had the time to sort my head, this seems like the course of action I’m most comfortable with. At first, the next day, I did what I felt was right, remove myself from the equation, and as a result, I was getting a little mopey. I’ve sinced moved on, listened to ideas and criticisms from various sources, and have been able to make sense of myself and the situation. (In my opinion) Also, I made the decision (as suggested afterwards) to not interact with his girlfriend and apologize or be in the situation at all. Just simply distance myself further.