frustrating when your friends stereotype you?

[TX-Beau]

I'm not out for that long...
But, I mean, I just don't really see another option.
Why should I tell everyone? Sincere question here...
I dunno, seems so "random" to bring it up while having lunch with eg colleagues or mere acquaintances (not real friends). "Did you know I'm gay and have been struggling to come out of the closet for years?" "I'm gay so I like dicks"; "I'm gay, yet I don't fancy [add a particular stereotype here]"
These are things I talk about to friends, all the rest, well, I'm no longer afraid they "might find out", but I'm not going to actively start informing them about it...?
I'll admit that maybe it has to do with me not wanting to be reduced to "the gay one". But is that wrong?

Why should you tell everyone? Because you want a life, not a secret.

It only seems random to bring it up because you’ve been taught to hide it, to treat your life in a way fundamentally different from how straight guys are taught to treat theirs. Because culture has attached shame to who you are and hasn’t attached shame to them.

So how do regular guys actually behave? They randomly scope out hot chicks and point them out to their friends, they randomly talk/bitch/commiserate about getting laid, not getting laid, girlfriends, potential girlfriends, hot pieces of ass, and randomly invite you over for dinner with the wife, make you randomly look at pictures of their kids – all kinds of random shit that they have never been taught to justify hiding, under the label, privacy.

Why don’t they think that stuff is private? It is isn’t it? A lot of gay boys seem to think so.

But that isn’t privacy, it never has been. It’s fear – fear that has been drummed into our heads about how our lives need to be hidden away as a matter of “decency” – and you run across a lot of straight people who will approve of you if you call your sexuality private and don’t “push it in their faces.”

But what they are approving of is not you or your sexuality – it’s your tacit acceptance that you do not deserve the same prerogatives they take so much for granted.

Straight people who are like this are generally not bigoted haters, and they have a lot of allies amongst the closeted/semi closeted, and all agree that there is something about your sexuality that makes it unfit for polite discussion. What would that be do you think?

Why shouldn’t you discuss your life in exactly the same way they do? There is no reason except that people have accepted that doing so is “flaunting yourself.” Because they bought into the idea that gay is lesser.

You’re just in the middle of your coming out process, the steps you’ve made are important, but it ALWAYS takes time even after you start telling people to work all of those homophobic ideas – that were forced into your head – out of it. You know when you’re completely out, because at that point, all of this will cease to bother you.

You won’t mind being the “gay one,” because you are a gay one or the "blond one," or the "Canadian one," and a whole bunch of other kinds of “one,” that make you you, and you’ll be absolutely certain that none of your “ones,” need be hidden from anyone.

And there my friend lies freedom.

Don’t worry if you’re not there just yet, just keep yourself positive about yourself, live your big gay life however makes you most happy, and you’ll get there.

What you say and what you’re afraid of is not unique, the vast majority of us have been there and said that, consider this a stop on the road. There may still be a ways to go, but you’ve come a long way in spite of that.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm not out for that long...
But, I mean, I just don't really see another option.
Why should I tell everyone? Sincere question here...
I dunno, seems so "random" to bring it up while having lunch with eg colleagues or mere acquaintances (not real friends). "Did you know I'm gay and have been struggling to come out of the closet for years?" "I'm gay so I like dicks"; "I'm gay, yet I don't fancy [add a particular stereotype here]"
These are things I talk about to friends, all the rest, well, I'm no longer afraid they "might find out", but I'm not going to actively start informing them about it...?
I'll admit that maybe it has to do with me not wanting to be reduced to "the gay one". But is that wrong?

Why should you tell everyone? Because you want a life, not a secret.

It only seems random to bring it up because you’ve been taught to hide it, to treat your life in a way fundamentally different from how straight guys are taught to treat theirs. Because culture has attached shame to who you are and hasn’t attached shame to them.

So how do regular guys actually behave? They randomly scope out hot chicks and point them out to their friends, coworkers - hell guys they just met, they use their sexuality as bonding behavior, they randomly talk/bitch/commiserate about getting laid, not getting laid, girlfriends, potential girlfriends, hot pieces of ass, and randomly invite you over for dinner with the wife, make you randomly look at pictures of their kids – all kinds of random shit that they have never been taught to justify hiding, under the label, privacy.

Why don’t they think that stuff is private? It is isn’t it? A lot of gay boys seem to think so.

But that isn’t privacy, it never has been. It’s fear – fear that has been drummed into our heads about how our lives need to be hidden away as a matter of “decency” – and you run across a lot of straight people who will approve of you if you call your sexuality private and don’t “push it in their faces.”

But what they are approving of is not you or your sexuality – it’s your tacit acceptance that you do not deserve the same prerogatives they take so much for granted.

Straight people who are like this are generally not bigoted haters, and they have a lot of allies amongst the closeted/semi closeted, and all agree that there is something about your sexuality that makes it unfit for public discussion. What would that be do you think?

Why shouldn’t you discuss your life in exactly the same way they do? There is no reason except that people have accepted that doing so is “flaunting yourself.” Because they bought into the idea that gay is lesser, a "delicate" subject best left unremarked upon. Why should that be? Because they have at some level attached shame to it. however nice they are, that's what that is.

You’re just in the middle of your coming out process, the steps you’ve made are important, but it ALWAYS takes time even after you start telling people to work all of those homophobic ideas – that were forced into your head – out of it. You know when you’re completely out, because at that point, all of this will cease to bother you.

You won’t mind being the “gay one,” because you are a gay one or the "blond one," or the "Canadian one," and a whole bunch of other kinds of “one,” that make you you, and you’ll be absolutely certain that none of your “ones,” need be hidden from anyone.

And there my friend lies freedom.

Don’t worry if you’re not there just yet, just keep yourself positive about yourself, live your big gay life however makes you most happy, and you’ll get there.

What you say and what you’re afraid of is not unique, the vast majority of us have been there and said that, consider this a stop on the road. There may still be a ways to go, but you’ve come a long way in spite of that.

 

[TX-Beau]

Sorry about the double post.

 

[chance1]

seems like many here have made this about them, not the poster

seems like many do that a lot

back to topic

lots of people stereotype - most do actually - we see/hear a little and extend it to thinking we know more

sometimes it's not positive - mostly probably not

i also think that some/many str8s say things easily that are offensive to us - and they don't even know that they're being offensive

I'm out but unlike some of the posters above I don't wear it on my sleeve - and I don't make sure that everyone I come in contact with knows I'm gay - cause frankly it's not a big deal

BUT if someone is saying homophobic things in front of you or about you - it's in your best interests (and theirs) to confront it - the style is up to you - it can be direct or it can be humorous or it can be soft - that's up to you

IMO, the most important thing that comes out of it is that YOU don't feed bad about it - and perhaps a bonus is they learn from it

cuz like i said many str8s really don't intend it as such but it comes out that way - and fixing it so that don't keep doing it is important

good luck and hang in

 

[Rolyo85]

What TX said.

EXACTLY.

Outside of people who might be interested in dating/having sex with you, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE gives a flying fuck about who you fuck/find attractive, and if they do, then, well, they're kind of sad, pathetic, bored, boring, dysfunctional people who, in addition, most likely don't have lives of their own. I know many people in here would like to believe the whole universe spins around them and their homosexuality/sexual exploits/activities, but reality is very, very different.

And the defense mechanisms that we create to defend our hiding can sometimes get very aggressive... You do realize that you just labeled most of the world as "sad, pathetic, bored, boring, dysfunctional people who, in addition, most likely don't have lives of their own", right?

 

[wikke1]

@TX-BEAU you make very valid points, thanks! I'll keep them in mind. You're right, I'm not there yet. wondering if I'll ever get there, since I was so "old" already when I came out (27).

@ chance1: the discussion imho is still about stereotyping (or being afraid of them) by those who surround you, and how you can handle them. Sure, we went a little "off the initial post", but this still is a discussion board, right?

@rollyo85: sexy! Fell head over heels "in love" (from a distance) with a cute baroque violin player I saw during a baroque concert with BACH cantates I saw recently . The posture and finger positioning awakenes euhm... well.. a lot of thing? Keep fiddling! *you play in an orchestra, I presume?*

 

[Rolyo85]

Haha, I do, yes

And you totally will get there. I came out at 25, and two years later I'm already there.

 

[borednew]

You do realize that you just labeled most of the world as "sad, pathetic, bored, boring, dysfunctional people who, in addition, most likely don't have lives of their own", right?

Wow. So, "most of the world" wants to know who you fuck/find attractive. Wow. Oh, wait,

I am an attention whore

Well, I guess this explains that delusional kind of thinking...

Anyway...

seems like many here have made this about them, not the poster

seems like many do that a lot

He's right, so I apologize to the OP and out of respect for him, I'll stop hijacking his thread.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

 

[Rolyo85]

Being an attention whore means I broadcast MY stuff, not that I care more about others'. But yeah, anyone who's ever been to any form of school and/or work place would have hard time claiming most people's favorite gossip discussion isn't everybody's sex life. There is a reason why sex tapes are so successful - because people want to see the sex life of people they know. It's a basic human interest, and TX is right in the observation that only some gay men seem to deny its existence.