hanshansen
Porn Star
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- Dec 8, 2006
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I’m posting this on this part of the forum as well as the 'coming out' part, just to get a greater chance of useful responses ...
First off, in some ways things have got a whole lot better in the past three months since I started posting to this site. I met someone on it who has become a good friend, who has helped me reassess my views on gay people, on relationships, on life in general. Some things look very different, some have become a lot clearer. I came out as bi to my father a week ago, he was more supportive than I could have expected and after some initial self-consciousness on my part we are the same around each other as we have always been. I haven’t talked to my mother yet but that is only because I haven’t had the chance to speak to her one-on-one, my dad has said he is sure that she would be understanding. There's some concrete things that I want to do in the next couple of months to get to know more people who I could be comfortable around.
All that said, deep down I have still not come to terms with my sexuality, at all. I am confused as hell and don’t know where it’s going to lead.
To provide some context, I should be up front about two things. First, for many years (I’m in my late 20s now) I thought I was basically gay (though I was unhappy about that and really wanted to change it). It wasn’t that I found girls totally uninteresting all the time, but it was very much a second-order thing and I really couldn’t picture myself with them. For whatever reason, that changed since I started posting to this site three months ago in a way that I really didn’t expect. Secondly, I guess for that reason and because I was so closeted, I haven’t been a relationship, either with a guy or a girl. So some of what I’m going to say hasn’t been tested.
I'll start with the basics of physical attraction. That swings around every week or so. Sometimes girls’ bodies turn me on, sometimes guys’ bodies do. Not at the same time. (The idea of a 3some with 2 girls is hot, a guy and a girl isn’t.) I feel 90 per cent gay some days, and 90 (or 80, there’s some bias) per cent straight on others. This is a big source of stress in itself because I get used to being one or the other and then find I can’t get my rocks off in that way any more.
As far as sex goes, though, after really thinking about it in relation to me (rather than just looking at gay porn and seeing guys pretending to look aroused) sex with a guy (that includes hand jobs, blow jobs etc) really doesn’t interest me that much, whereas I think about having sex with girls regularly ... It’s not absolute, if a really hot guy wanted to spend the night with me I would definitely be interested, but I would much rather sleep with a good-looking girl than with an average-looking guy.
On the other hand, in so far as I crave emotional and (non-sexual) physical intimacy, I tend to imagine it being with a guy rather than a girl. Let me put it another way: all the really good relationships that I’ve seen are about two people who are totally comfortable with one another. It’s like they can totally let down their guard with each other. They don’t have to worry about impressing each other. Sure, they make sacrifices and do nice things for each other, but that’s because they want to. I have this really strong gut feeling that if I let the walls come down with a girl, something bad would happen (she’d lose interest in me? I’d lose interest in her?) whereas if I let my guard down with the right guy, something really great could come out of it. Maybe this is because I’m not that masculine, either in physical build or temperament-wise.
Finally, as far as the non-physical parts of sexual attraction go (eye contact, flirting, dressing to impress etc) I’m still a lot more receptive to those signals from guys than from girls. Sometimes it really hits me that a girl is flirting, or knows she’s attractive, but it happens less often and I’m always surprised when it happens, I’m not used to picking up on that kind of stuff.
So, physical attraction: it varies. Sex: mainly girls. Non-physical stuff: mainly guys. Please respond if you can relate to any of this. What am I supposed to do with this mess? What can I expect to change in the future? Does it sound like I’m a gay guy with sexual hang ups, or am I still in the process of coming to terms with my bisexuality? SHOULD I WORRY?
First off, in some ways things have got a whole lot better in the past three months since I started posting to this site. I met someone on it who has become a good friend, who has helped me reassess my views on gay people, on relationships, on life in general. Some things look very different, some have become a lot clearer. I came out as bi to my father a week ago, he was more supportive than I could have expected and after some initial self-consciousness on my part we are the same around each other as we have always been. I haven’t talked to my mother yet but that is only because I haven’t had the chance to speak to her one-on-one, my dad has said he is sure that she would be understanding. There's some concrete things that I want to do in the next couple of months to get to know more people who I could be comfortable around.
All that said, deep down I have still not come to terms with my sexuality, at all. I am confused as hell and don’t know where it’s going to lead.
To provide some context, I should be up front about two things. First, for many years (I’m in my late 20s now) I thought I was basically gay (though I was unhappy about that and really wanted to change it). It wasn’t that I found girls totally uninteresting all the time, but it was very much a second-order thing and I really couldn’t picture myself with them. For whatever reason, that changed since I started posting to this site three months ago in a way that I really didn’t expect. Secondly, I guess for that reason and because I was so closeted, I haven’t been a relationship, either with a guy or a girl. So some of what I’m going to say hasn’t been tested.
I'll start with the basics of physical attraction. That swings around every week or so. Sometimes girls’ bodies turn me on, sometimes guys’ bodies do. Not at the same time. (The idea of a 3some with 2 girls is hot, a guy and a girl isn’t.) I feel 90 per cent gay some days, and 90 (or 80, there’s some bias) per cent straight on others. This is a big source of stress in itself because I get used to being one or the other and then find I can’t get my rocks off in that way any more.
As far as sex goes, though, after really thinking about it in relation to me (rather than just looking at gay porn and seeing guys pretending to look aroused) sex with a guy (that includes hand jobs, blow jobs etc) really doesn’t interest me that much, whereas I think about having sex with girls regularly ... It’s not absolute, if a really hot guy wanted to spend the night with me I would definitely be interested, but I would much rather sleep with a good-looking girl than with an average-looking guy.
On the other hand, in so far as I crave emotional and (non-sexual) physical intimacy, I tend to imagine it being with a guy rather than a girl. Let me put it another way: all the really good relationships that I’ve seen are about two people who are totally comfortable with one another. It’s like they can totally let down their guard with each other. They don’t have to worry about impressing each other. Sure, they make sacrifices and do nice things for each other, but that’s because they want to. I have this really strong gut feeling that if I let the walls come down with a girl, something bad would happen (she’d lose interest in me? I’d lose interest in her?) whereas if I let my guard down with the right guy, something really great could come out of it. Maybe this is because I’m not that masculine, either in physical build or temperament-wise.
Finally, as far as the non-physical parts of sexual attraction go (eye contact, flirting, dressing to impress etc) I’m still a lot more receptive to those signals from guys than from girls. Sometimes it really hits me that a girl is flirting, or knows she’s attractive, but it happens less often and I’m always surprised when it happens, I’m not used to picking up on that kind of stuff.
So, physical attraction: it varies. Sex: mainly girls. Non-physical stuff: mainly guys. Please respond if you can relate to any of this. What am I supposed to do with this mess? What can I expect to change in the future? Does it sound like I’m a gay guy with sexual hang ups, or am I still in the process of coming to terms with my bisexuality? SHOULD I WORRY?
No.
I think the other replies are good advice 
