FWB Situation: Bit of a Dilemma!

[Joshywaa]

Well well, where to even begin. It's been a while since I've been here. But I have got myself in a little dilemma. Just a bit of a back story - my name is Josh. I am 20 years old and never really been much into the dating scene. I've been one that is usually okay with being single and never really found anyone that lit off that spark in me until....NOW.. :/ The dilemma is that the guy is a closeted bisexual and also just a friend with benefits.

He was seeing an acquaintance of mine when I first met him back in Dec '10. (An acquaintance that I've never gotten along with mind you) We made friendly exchanges and actually had a one-on-one conversation in the hot tub later that night. He opened up to me a lot for having just met, which doesn't surprise me because of my caring and friendly disposition. Anyways, we got each others numbers and didn't talk for a while. He ended things with the flame of his about a week after I met him. He started texting me in late January and we were both very flirty/sexual back and forth. I ended up inviting him to a get together with friends around Valentines Day where we had our first sexual encounter. I was pretty intoxicated and honestly don't remember much of it. But what I do remember is we both admitted our attraction for each other before hand and agreed to be fuck buddies or friends with benefits if you will.....

This has progressed to weekly encounters with me driving up to see him or vice versa. Spending weekends together cuddling/watching movies, cooking, going out dancing, going out to eat, etc. We have a lot of common interests, both are goal oriented and have a strong passion for life, we share an emotional connection and have opened up to each other, and we get each others sense of humor. The sex is so powerful..my god...it is so intense, so passionate, so raw, so amazing. I never bottomed much (always preferred top) but he has the perfect dick to break a beginner bottom like me in. It's truly incredible...

His back story & a little more of mine: We were both raised Mormon, I am out to everyone by now. But he is only out to a couple friends and he is bisexual. I am gay. He is 24 years old. And I don't fall very easily for anyone..nobody has ever made me feel this way. I know I'm not in love with him, but I have intense feelings for him. I care for him. I miss him when he is not around. He's more than just a fuck buddy. I am getting so many mixed signals from him because he is more open with his emotions than a friend with benefit should. He has opened up about crazy stuff from his past and even once took me around his small hometown and showed me things he did as a child and where he has come from. We have a strong connection. There have been two separate occasions where I have tried to tell him how I was having feelings for him and I either get shut down immediately or I get the whole "I thought we were just no strings attached thing." Which leaves me so confused, I initially went into this not thinking this would happen. I thought I was strong enough to not fall for someone, hell it's the first time I have! I don't know.

The next time we plan on meeting will be Wednesday..I have been seriously considering just ending it. Telling him basically that a FWB situation needs to end when one person gets feelings for the other. And it looks like I am the unlucky one that fell and he didn't. Or maybe he has but he is just too scared to deal with those feelings because he is soooo deep in the closet and afraid of his religious family finding out anything. I really don't know. But it is really starting to affect lots of aspects of my life. I wanna give it a shot because this is the first time I have felt something real and I don't want to lose it. But at the same time, I don't wanna keep my emotions in chaos and get hurt in the long run when he is not on the same page. What do you guys think? Honest blunt opinions. Is it worth continuing and seeing what develops or should I just end it so I don't end up hurt.? Thanks all. Much love.

- Josh

 

[HunterM]

If the sex is amazing, why not stay friends with benefits with him?

You should also date someone else. You have a good thing going. You can end it when you have found someone else who wants a committed relationship with you.

 

[Blueboy369]

Friends come and go into your life for a reason. You can enjoy the time you spend together and make every second count. Life is short. One day you guys will move on and be some place different in your lives. Get what you can and learn what you can from this experience. Enjoy him while you have him.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's a lot that is right with this situation but the primary problem is that you want him to be on the same schedule as you. You want him to admit he's gay (not bisexual) and you want him to remove the wall that he's created (called "just friends with benefits") that allows him to avoid the fact he's in a relationship with a guy.

He's just not ready for either.

You're two people who probably should be together but you're just in very different places in your life. If he can't provide what you want and what you need, it's up to you to decide whether you're willing to wait until he grows up a bit.

If you're not willing to wait, it would probably be best to go back to being friends.

 

[redips]

Ah. I totally understand your situation. I think if you feel that you're really starting to fall for him, tell him that; and if he is really unable to take this a step further in the foreseeable future, then you should just end it and spare yourself the heartache.

As soon as you start cuddling and spending a lot of personal time together, it is easy to get attached, and the NSA thing then no longer works.

 

[palemale]

Sex is God's joke on human beings.
Bette Davis

I think this quote says it all about your situation (and many others). As is often the case, a fuckbud or FWB situation develops into something much more intense than the parties intended or hoped for. We initially want only the sex, but sometimes love follows.

Whatever decision you make, be sure it's what you want. You do have a dilemma. If you stay with him in the current arrangement, he may come around soon and you'll have a long and happy relationship. Equally possible, however, is that you will continue the current arrangement for a long time until it ends in heart break and you regretting that you wasted a good part of your life with him. Of course, some people who fall in love and marry regret it in the end. Life is a crap shoot.

 

[Joshywaa]

Thanks everyone for all your words, I definitely took them all in. My heart is telling me that it will end up bad and so I think I have decided to end it and move on with my life. Unfortunately, I don't think we will be able to remain friends because quite honestly...we started having sex before there was a real friendship or connection there. I've met some people in the closet before and I think he is the most in denial and most insecure of the cases I have seen. It hurts, but its for the best. The right guy is out there for me, and I'm only 20 and have my whole life to find him. Until then, I'm gonna enjoy life, get to know & discover more of myself and go from there. Again, all your words meant alot. Much love.

- Josh

 

[HunterM]

Good luck Josh!

 

[terps420]

Life is short. I know it's cliched but the thing about life being short is that it's short for everyone, including him. Tell him that you enjoy having him in your life, but just don't dive in the deep end (if you know what I mean). Eventually, after time, a sense of loyalty and affection will be firmly in place where he probably will fall for you too.

It might not hurt to openly date other people and tell him when you are. If he did the same thing, most likely he would date a girl, right? Somebody whose an apple to your orange and you can't really get upset over but not vice versa in his case. A little jealousy in situations like these can be just what the doctor ordered.