Gave out my number

[Sinister Dexter]

I went to my first gay party last night and had a blast. Though I haven't lied if asked, I haven't been open about being gay before, so the party was a really liberating experience. This guy kept coming up to me and talking, and at the end of the party he asked for my number. I wasn't interested and told him I had a boyfriend, thinking that would deter him, but he said that he'd like to be friends, and kept asking. It was the first time anyone asked for my number and I didn't really know how to say no, so I gave it to him. He's called me twice and texted me twice since last night, and I'm really not interested at all. How do I handle that so he gets the message?

 

[Jory]

1. Tell him you're not into him ( also you could used that line when he asked for your number)

2. Don't return the calls

 

[rareboy]

Would it kill you to explore the possibility of a friendship with someone?

What is it about people that they think that other people aren't worth their time?

If he came across as creepy clingy or was a real asshole, then I think you have to impress upon him the concept that while you are involved with someone else, you aren't going to have any time for him. And then hope he loses interest and moves on.

 

[Spiff]

Seems shamefully presumptuous of you to assume that he is interested in only sex. Unless there is more to this story that hasn't been revealed. Was this the type of party where people look for hook-ups, or was it just a friendly gathering of gay friends? For your first gay party, it would be a bad if you have given the impression that you assume all gay people are only interested in sex. If you made friends with this person, who knows, maybe he would have connections to someone who you would find attractive and meet some day. Why limit your network?

 

[TX-Beau]

How do I handle that so he gets the message?

You grow a pair and be honest. Telling him you have a boyfriend doesn't tell him you're not interested. We don't know this guy so we don't know what kind of guy he is, but if you at some point want to be friends with this guy, well, you already lied to him, time to fess up and tell him he's got no chance, better for you and better for him, don't be vague, don't let him hold out false hope, if you don't want to see him again, say so. You don't help yourself by evasion about your interest level in anyone you're going to come across.

Why did you give him your number in the first place?

 

[TX-Beau]

It was the first time anyone asked for my number and I didn't really know how to say no, so I gave it to him.

You say it like this:

"Thanks for the compliment, but sorry, I'm not interested."

Repeat as necessary.

 

[Lefty]

have a friend text or call him and advise him that you already have a special friend ... thanks but no thanks

 

[TX-Beau]

have a friend text or call him and advise him that you already have a special friend ... thanks but no thanks

Yeah, don’t do that, it’s a cop out, it’s kinda rude, it sets up a drama, and it’s dishonest. You’re a man not a jr high kid.

Remember, there are guys out there who will hear they have a chance unless you’re completely clear.

 

[Sinister Dexter]

Wow thanks for all the responses.

To rareboy,
"Would it kill you to explore the possibility of a friendship with someone?"
He made it pretty clear that he was looking for a boyfriend. Even a friend, he is 4 years older than me and a PhD student, and doesn't seem to have much in common with me. He wasn't an asshole, but he was clingy and I was a little turned off by the 4 messages within 10 hours. I don't think we'd really mesh as friends.

To Qixote,
"Seems shamefully presumptuous of you to assume that he is interested in only sex."
I didn't assume he was only interested in sex. He did make it clear that he was looking for a boyfriend, but I didn't really hit it off with him even on a friendly level. He seemed nice, but we had very little in common. It was just a friendly gathering and I made many other friends at the party without considering sex.

To TX-Beau,
Thanks for the great response. I know I need to grow a pair I just needed some encourangement.
"Why did you give him your number in the first place?"
I don't really know. I was drunk at the time and it seemed like the polite thing to do. It was partly that I felt flattered and partly because I didn't really know what the proper etiquette was. I know my actions were disrespectful to him. It seemed mean to just say "No, I'm not interested." In retrospect I know that would have been the correct response and I will make sure to use it in the future.

I didn't start the thread looking for a way out of the responsibility but a way to correct the situation and protect his feelings as best I could. Thanks for the advice everyone, I will text him.

 

[TX-Beau]

I’m a big believer in full disclosure upfront, partially because I don’t like needless drama, and partly because I also have no use for pointless angst; but also it’s just considerate to let someone know where you stand. If it’s this situation, which will occur again, or if you’re just looking for a quick fuck, better by far to clarify completely before any unreasonable expectations or misunderstandings occur.

I know that’s easier said than done, but it gets easier with practice. Plus at some point you’re going to be the one doing the asking out and I’m sure you’d rather have someone be honest with you than be evasive and vague, and let you dangle.

 

[hotatlboi]

yeah I mean you were kinda leading him on by giving him your number. I definitely do not give out my number to anyone I'm not interested in hearing from. Just be more straightforward next time.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Well then, you know your answer. Be up front and say you are not interested in neither a friend nor a boyfriend.

 

[Spensed]

Obviously, it's a do-as-you-would-be-done-by situation. But I don't think you did anything wrong in giving him your number.

People do that, as an on the spot decision, for any one of a number of reasons, including not wanting to put the guy down. But it doesn't create any obligation to call the guy back, let him know why you aren't calling him back or worry about his feelings concerning a situation with a stranger that he's created.

Most people get the message if you don't return their second call. If he doesn't, as a stranger to him, you don't need to join in with his co-dependent expectations. You can either ignore his calls or, as you say, text him back just saying no thanks.

A good line at the very beginning is to say that your boyfriend doesn't like you giving your number out. It may be a white lie, but it's true in the sense that, if you did have a boyfriend, who was like that, the signals you sent to this guy really would have been completely different and my guess is that he would never have got your number.

Just my opinion. I won't be upset if you ignore it. LOL.

 

[Petalswilt]

If someone is just interested in starting a friendship they don't usually text you twice in one day and call a couple of times. He sounds pushy to me. I'd not return his calls or text back. Some people just don't get the hint.