Gay Angst

[jashir]

Hi all. Feeling kind of bummed with being gay, so want to share my saga, lol. Not really looking for advice as much as hoping to commiserate with guys who have been there/done that or are there/doing that.

I am not a self-hating gay, never was. I am not ashamed of my sexuality. What I mean by "bummed with being gay" is that I do not seem to fit any molds and therefore, I am isolated from the gay community. I do not go clubbing (never did), I do not use dating apps (tried over a dozen and it never led to substance), I do not have casual sex, I do not have interest in stereotypical gay culture (pride parades, being catty, gay-themed shows/movies, etc). I have always connected well and more often with straight guys because they share my interests/disposition and were always inclusive and comfortable with me being gay. The same was not true when I try/tried to connect with gay guys. They often had shallow demeanors and base even friendship on how cute you are (and my argument has always been why do you need your friends to be cute if you arent going top date or sleep with them?). When I was in my 20s otehr gay guys called me "trade", though I have no idea if that term is relevant today. I hated that term. Now, I know I am generalizing to a degree, but I am not misspeaking about the dominate gay culture.

So, I am now in my 40s and past my prime. I am a (semi-muscle) bear, not attractive to most gay guys I meet or show interest in, and those that do find me attractive just want sex. I have had 3 relationships in the past 20 years (totaling 12 years; plus some short flings that didnt make it to the relationship phase).

Problem is, I genuinely like guys and want to have gay friends (I don´t have even one gay friend anymore). I am outgoing, undemanding. People like my personality, just not my looks, lol. But I am intolerant of intolerance--and I know that really kicks me out of the club because so much of the gay culture is now about tearing down rather than building up (in my experience). Sometimes it is subtle and sometimes it is overt, but the judging and gossip is ever -present.

Adding insult to injury, I am a top with a very high libido but erectile dysfunction due to poor health (high blood pressure, 20 to 30 pounds overweight, kidney issues). I am willing to flip the script, but guys still want a bottom who gets hard easily, and I still very much enjoy topping. Weight loss will help, but even before I was overight (just within the past 5 years I gained tremendously), I still had ED issues (I was fit, 32 inch waist, so I know it is more than just weigh gain; my waist 36 inches now).

So, as you may surmise, it isnt just one issue that bums me about be gay. I have gone to the clubs and pride to try to fit it, but they really are not my scene (I rarely do bars with straight friends, either). I prefer to do active things: play sports (I dont watch sports, though), hiking, extreme excursions like zip-lining, hard rock and metal music. My options to meet gay guys for friendship or relationship seem pretty limited.

And of course, if I was super fit (six pack) and super cute (not a round face), no one would care about my interests and still want to be around me (lets face it, the gay community is the most superficial of them all). So I refuse to get super fit. Plus, I am too lazy to go to the gym, lol.

As Heavy D sang, "I want somebody to love me for me, not because I´m [insert superficiality here]"

Anyone experience similar angst? Please, if you disagree, that is fine. But do not flame me for my opinion based on my experience. I am not making a blanket statement about all gay people (I am gay, leaning bi, so that would include me).

Thanks.

 

[mcbrion]

Where do you live that this is the view of the gay community that surrounds you?
I understand that there are certainly many superficial people in the world and that includes every ethnicity, gender, orientation, etc.
However, your mindset does inhibit you from recognizing those who don't fall into that stereotype (I certainly don't fit into that). It IS harder to find people when you have to shift thru thousands just to find 5 people whom you'd want to be part of your life permanently, whether friends or one completely committed relationship, but you have to start somewhere. The most common response you'll get will be to seek out organizations (if any) that fit your spiritual outlook (guys into fishing, mountain climbing, chess, bridge, building things, etc.). And that's all good. But you first need to get rid of the idea that you have to fit into a "mold." That's a problem right there and you're carrying it around inside your brain. What you believe shapes what you see. So, see "people" first and make the first move if you meet a guy who seems nice, even if you don't want to have sex with him or date him. If HE'S nice, chances are, so are his friends, "birds of a feather flock together" and all that. Just find two nice guys. If you don't want them hitting on you, explain you'd just like to meet some nice friends and leave it at that. If they try to push it further, be nice, but decline their erotic invitation and explain you find them very nice, but "I'm just not feeling that way towards you." (I had to say that to someone this morning, and we're still friendly with each other).
Maybe gay organizations ARE the answer, but first, your mindset sets your world view. I find being kind attracts guys to me. They don't always stay when they find out I don't have an interest in them sexually, but that's their problem. It means they had an ulterior motive to even approach me, and I can't allow that to make me angry, bitter or sad. In fact, I'm glad when they DON'T stay, because there was an intent there before they even spoke to me, and there was no interest other than to "get" me. That, I can live without. I like to start out with just kindness. I find it's returned, although not always in the form I thought it would be and not always WHEN I thought it would be. But I like myself, and that counts a hell of a lot. And I just recognize that some other people have motives and I wish 'em the best without disliking them. Again. Attitude.
So, again, where do you live?

 

[azanallover]

Try being a pro Trump, pro America pro gun gay guy. As soon as they find out you are ostracized from your friends. I once stopped a mugging outside a gay establishment with a gay lover I took there. There was a group of 5 men and when I pulled a gun it was over immediately, we watched them run away. Then it was you have a gun, OMG you are evil. He got bashed one night after that and has been in a nursing home since.


I thought gays were accepting of everyone but they are not. Gays are some of the most clique forming people on the planet, even worse than the Christians when I went to church. If you don't fit their perfect little mold of what they say gay is you are not part of the fun group.

 

[johaninsc]

Try being a pro Trump, pro America pro gun gay guy. As soon as they find out you are ostracized from your friends. I once stopped a mugging outside a gay establishment with a gay lover I took there. There was a group of 5 men and when I pulled a gun it was over immediately, we watched them run away. Then it was you have a gun, OMG you are evil. He got bashed one night after that and has been in a nursing home since.


I thought gays were accepting of everyone but they are not. Gays are some of the most clique forming people on the planet, even worse than the Christians when I went to church. If you don't fit their perfect little mold of what they say gay is you are not part of the fun group.

when did you stop going to church..?

and what made you stop going..?

 

[azanallover]

when did you stop going to church..?

and what made you stop going..?

I stopped going around 18. The church we had been going to was sold out from under the members and we went to a new church. I had started a job and made sure I had to work Sundays. I could just never got off work on time so the parents let it slide. My parents quit going when they got there late and caught her with a underage guy in her car. They added two plus two and figured out I had been with her too, that was the last time they went as well.

The real reason I wanted out was they made it seem like so few were going to make it to heaven so why bother. Who can be that perfect and if you don't ask for forgiveness after sinning and die before you do you are burning. The nights laying awake shaking and praying because I had thoughts about a girl or guy at church and then had sex with the preachers son instead of going to the teen social after church. Preachers would stand in front of a congregation of 1200 and say maybe a few of us would be good enough to make it. Preachers would stand there and preach about homosexuality and the guy doing the preaching I had sex with pretty often. The other minister would talk about porn and homosexuality as well, his son and a few of his friends from the church used my ass as a playground often. I was always thinking is it ok to do what we are doing or is it wrong.

Mostly the do as I preach not as I do mentality.

 

[johaninsc]

I stopped going around 18. …..

hmmmm….interesting

 

[azanallover]

hmmmm….interesting

My parents quit when they caught a lady who went to the other church that I told them was sleeping with the boys in her car with a guy I told her was having sex with her, that part got deleted.


Believe me I did not want to go all the years I went. Never went until mom married and then it was send me off every Sunday morning on the bus. Then they started going. The kids all knew what bad things were happening in the church but the adults were oblivious. We knew who was cheating and with who, who the drinkers were, who was gay, which kids and families were being physically abused. We knew about the cop who was covering the crimes of some of the men, it was a mess.

From being sent to two different christian schools and talking to other kids the same things were happening at their church.