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Gay apps and my bf

M

mrdude

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My relationship with my bf has been an emotional roller coaster for me. We both love eachother, have an open relationship and would only play together with a third (for him).

We're both tops, and he's been using Grindr and other apps to find a 3rd. He's on there quite often, and he compliments a lot of guys on there. Swapping pics, etc. whereas when I use Grindr, I just see if he's online and who's near him that I know he's attracted to.

What worries me is I've seen his messages to guys, and i don't find what he sees in me, and that's where I find it hard to believe that he's also attracted to me. My anxiety sky rockets when I hear him messaging, as my mind wonders what he's saying and what the other guys are saying.
He's told me his Grindr is an open book for me, and he knows I hate him using Grindr, and offered many times to delete it as he knows how anxious I get, but at the same time, I'd like to see him with another guy as I'll find it a huge turn on, but on the other hand, it may be destructive for me, seeing how much her be into him. I have anxiety disorders so it plays a lot in this and I 2nd guess myself all the time, thinking should I leave him. I know it sounds cliche, by he's got the whole package, we get along great, extremely attractive, I'd never thought I'd be with a guy like him, and here I am with my dream man.
I love him so much, as he does too, and he'd never hurt me but I feel I'm drifting away from him. Grindr has made me more paranoid, obsessive worrying... If I don't use Grindr to peeve on guys cause I have the best... Why is he still askin pics, complimenting etc...
Am I reading into this too much?
 
You have an open relationship but it sounds like you don't want one, barring a bit of bedroom activity. However, unless you're going to pay for a third, then using a site or app or ad is one of the few ways you and your bf will find a third in a safer manner (via vetting process). You can either try a couples therapist, delete Grindr & close your relationship, or try to discuss your anxiety and self esteem issues with a therapist first on your own. I suggest both the first and third simultaneously if you're interested in keeping a third. Another option would a fwb type of situation that's a permanent-ish fixture for the two of you. But do the therapy first, adding more people when you've relationship anxiety and self esteem troubles isn't fair to the new person and would wreck both the new and older relationships much quicker- and much, much messier.
 
Either you are in a relationship or your aren't. Open Relationships are asking for troubles like this
 
Dashriprock3172 said:
Either you are in a relationship or your aren't. Open Relationships are asking for troubles like this
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Odd, I have one platonic life partner of 7 yrs or so, two really -not- platonic partners (one of 5yrs, the other is still new), and a date with another poly person this Thursday. Oh, and I'm trying to woo one of the non platonic partners' life partner. Works fine for me.

-mind you, I only live with one of them. That far from rules out someone else moving in with us. There's a reason we bought a 3 bedroom.
 
Dashriprock3172 said:
Either you are in a relationship or your aren't. Open Relationships are asking for troubles like this
Click to expand...

That's not true at all. Open relationships are a completely legitimate thing.

It seems you bf is not pushing the openness of the relationship, so I'm not sure what you're worried about exactly? He's honest with you and isn't doing anything behind your back. Why then do you expect him to?

Honestly, the fastest way to ruin a relationship is through insecurity and anxiety. The way you're portraying the situation, this is your personal issue and not the relationship's. So maybe you should address the reasons for why you're insecure.
 
Not everyone is suited for an open relationship. It seems as though you are not. Healthy relationships ought to uplift. People forget that anxiety whether justified or not is debilitating. For your own good things have to change whatever that means. You don't have to agree to an open relationship.
 
The root problem is my bdd and severe anxiety. I never thought it'd become like this ever since I met him. The first 2 months were great, happy and no worries. In last few weeks, it's just been so hard and I didn't expect this at all.

I know my insecurities, and I think Grindr just intensifies that - especially when the person you love looks at these guys that (I) think looks nothing like me physically. He says I can't see it which is true. He wants to help me beat these demons of mine and to not get this to me. Thoughts as he's looking for better, losing interest in me, not sexually attracted to me - this all intensifies when he's on Grindr. As I've brought this up a couple of times, he wants us to get through this together.
It got to a point when I told him I've been thinking of leaving him cause I couldn't handle the excessive anxiety and thoughts.

I've been through therapy for years but now I want to do this on my own and with him. And with some advice from you guys which I appreciate, just need other guys thoughts on this and to not think I'm in the wrong here.
 
Well...the elephant in the room...maybe he IS looking for someone else..and you are sensing it...which will bring up the anxiety and the insecurities.

I think asking for assurances might even make it worse...because it is a house of cards if he is actually looking for someone else.

Could it be that you already know what he is doing and it is too hard to tell yourself the truth about it?

My advice..instead of letting your fears become a prison for you...confront them on your own. Confront that he might be looking for someone else...and it might have nothing at all to do with you. Some people never stop looking for "someone else"...a lot of them...and that is usually not because they person they are with is inadequate...

So jut starting there..what would you do if you know for certain he was looking for someone else..or that he might develop feeling for someone else? Think about it.

Everything in any relationship or just life in general is an opportunity to learn and to grow..so take it.
 
If he wasn't using Grindr, would you be stressing over something else?

First off, if I'm reading that right, you don't have an open relationship, you have a dysfunctional one. Why do I say that, because even if you're anxiety prone, this is causing a huge disruption which you're just sucking up, and maybe as has been said, you aren't the type who can handle an open relationship, hell I'm going to say it outright, you can't handle an open relationship. So tell him you can't handle extras - and you can't, and see what he does.
 
mrdude said:
... I love him so much, as he does too, and he'd never hurt me but I feel I'm drifting away from him. Grindr has made me more paranoid, obsessive worrying... If I don't use Grindr to peeve on guys cause I have the best... Why is he still askin pics, complimenting etc...
Am I reading into this too much?
Click to expand...
Grindr is just a piece of software. What has made you paranoid and obsessive is your boyfriend interacting with other guys... and your own insecurities about it.

It's not possible to mix an open relationship, a boyfriend who is always looking "for a 3rd" and insecurity about your boyfriend cheating on you with other guys. It's going to grind on you and it's going to grind on your relationship... pun intended.

One of these has to change. You and your boyfriend need to decide which one you're going to work on. But keep in mind, even if Grindr is gone, the issue will just move to another social networking app or another place where he can meet guys.
 
If you're super paranoid and don't think you'd be able to get over it...and he's offered to delete the app if it makes you feel better...then why not just have him delete it? Be proactive instead of passive. Maybe you're not meant for an open relationship.
 
Problem is he may be into PnP. By the time you realize it he's addicted to meth, your bank account is empty, electronics go missing, and you're daughter get's knocked up. Seen it a thousand times.

Anxiety + Open Relationships = Disaster
 
Maybe try to close your relationship on a temporary basis. Take some time just the two of you to be together. You might just find that your level of trust grows and anxiety reduces. If, after some time, you both want to open the relationship again, you can have a conversation about it, knowing that your anxiety will possibly be there.
 
Say you want him to break you in as a verse/bottom. Any physical pain will be nothing compared to the anxiety. It's a compromise that should make you both happy.
 
I agree with what you guys are saying, and it's just getting worse anxiety wise. Open relationship really doesn't seem a good idea by my anxiety.
We had a talk the other night about it and he said he was hurt by not trusting him, and I can see it frustrates him but I'm also trying to get him to understand my anxiety and to work together with it.
The big issues is he's on Grindr all the time and we don't play together much. Once a week, and I come on to him all the time but nothing progresses. To be honest, as hard as it is to how attracted I am to him, I don't bother anymore and let him initiate. But then again, I get pissed off cause out of all the times I initiate, he does nothing.

And that's when my mind cycles. If it were another guy, he'd probably have fun all the time.

I have thought about it, and I might take a break from the relationship. But at the same time, it kills me of thinking he'd play with another guy when I'm gone. So the anxiety would still be there. It's more like I'd like to see him in action as it'd be a huge turn on for me, and I'll be missing out.
 
There are some addictive qualities to your relationship in evidence by what you write. From an outsider, layman's point of view, this relationship is doing you harm. Whether the problems are all yours, mainly yours, mainly his or all his, partners in healthy relationships are able to talk and solve issues together. Sometimes this involves individual or couple's counseling. You should never be more miserable in a relationship then you would be if you were single. Look at the possibility that you have confused attraction/obsession with love.
 
mrdude said:
...he's on Grindr all the time and we don't play together much.
...he said he was hurt by not trusting him, and I can see it frustrates him but I'm also trying to get him to understand my anxiety and to work together with it.
...I get pissed off cause out of all the times I initiate, he does nothing.
Seasoned said:
There are some addictive qualities to your relationship in evidence by what you write...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
I agree. And I agree with the recommendation about counseling.

Pretty much the post above is the cycle of addiction/codependence that are very common where there's one person who is addicted and another person who enables. Each person becomes very good at manipulating the other person. At some point, either the pattern has to be broken or you need to start working on your own issues as a single person.
 
Maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship. Plain and simple. When I met him, he wanted a relationship and I was indecisive about it, mainly because I was still dealing with my anxiety and I wasn't looking for a relationship. He wasn't either, but only if that 'guy' came along he'd like one... And that was me. I'm very surprised to what's been going on with myself in recent weeks. Never would I thought I'd get this jealous.
I was so happy with him, my life changed by a huge margin, and I took that chance.
We're the opposites, he's an extrovert and I'm an introvert. Quite a big age difference too.
Counselling, not too sure. We had only just met so I don't think we would be ready for that this soon in a relationship. Yes, a good talk would be good, but I feel we've already gone there.
 
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