Gay Bar/Club Advice

[alexjames1234567]

Hi all you JUB's

My name is Alex and before I get into the meat of what I'm here for first I want to give you all a smidge of background so you can understand me a bit better. I'm 18 and in college. I'm very athletic (so I've got a pretty nice body) and no one has ever complained about my face so it can't be that bad! I would say im quite smart and extremely outgoing. Sitting in a room full of strangers doesn't bother me at all. In fact I find that to be really fun. During the winter I came out to my closest friends and recently I came out to my brother! That was a really big step for me and I think I've handled everything quite well. Now for some advice.

My good friend offered to take me to a gay bar/club in Seattle (I live about 4 hours away) near the end of the summer. Now I know that's a long time away but I figure why wait? I need advice on gay bars/clubs in general. Obviously being 18 I can't drink at the bar so that's clear. Assume I literally know nothing. I normally dress pretty preppy. Do I dress preppy or more casual? What's socially acceptable? Am I allowed to kiss or make out with anyone if that situation arises? Is there dancing? Do I let other guys approach me or do I approach them? How do I approach them? What do people normally talk about?

I guess it would also be nice if you knew my expectations. Honestly I'm going for one night so i don't plan on going home with anyone. Does that mean I don't want to make out or kiss someone? Heck no! I'd love to do that. Quite honestly after being in the dumb closet for so long I just want to be hit on by a human that has a penis. That would really be nice. So would I be ok with just talking with someone? Sure. Would it be nice to get a little physical? Yes it definitely would. Am I ready to go home with someone? No, not yet.

I just want to thank you all and I hope to hear some good advice! Thanks!

Alex

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome. Your thread belongs in this forum only tangentially, but I'm ok with leaving it here because of your recent coming out. Congratulations on that achievement!

Knowing nothing about Seattle, I googled "gay 18+ clubs" and found Neighbor's. So, start there and good luck. You'll catch on to what's appropriate behavior just by observing the crowd on a busy night. A smile, a nod, eye contact used to be the way it was done 28 years ago, before I met my husband. As far as who greets whom, it up to you.

Have fun. And best wishes on your journey. Play safe and be prepared to do so. Guncle gramps here wants you around a long time after I'm gone to enjoy the future benefits of the gay rights movement.

 

[maxpowr9]

Dress/express yourself how you want to. I definitely dress on the preppy side also but I would never wear khakis to a club. Hell, I don't even wear them to work anymore unless I have nothing else to wear. A pair of jeans, a shirt and some shoes or sneakers are fine (many clubs don't allow people with open-toed shoes/sandals in because of other stupid people).

As for the other things, if it feels comfortable to you, then go ahead and do it. You are an adult now and you should be able to make your own decisions. Just don't let anyone do something you don't want to do aka play safe.

 

[alexjames1234567]

Thanks Seasoned and maxpowr9! You guys are a big help. It's really kind of odd to me because having just come out to people and more importantly coming to terms with it myself I am almost starting from square one. I don't really know how to hit on a guy. Do I ask them about what they do for a job or school? Do I just walk up to them and start talking? It's so nerve wracking but in a very good way! It almost kind of seems like a whole new world to me.

Don't worry I think if I haven't even kissed a guy I don't think I plan on taking anybody home or vice versa. More than anything I want to be immersed in the gay scene as much as possible. I just want some kind of social interaction (maybe a bit of sexual action) with a guy. That's all I really want. And again thank you both for the great advice! When I go I will definitely tell you all about it.

 

[maxpowr9]

I honestly hope you are not this socially inept (even meeting new friends) but I guess I could do a small writeup even though I am not a social creature, I know how to converse and read signs except flirting (my one big weakness).

- If you are interested in a guy, just walk up them and introduce yourself. If you fancy them, pay them a compliment even if it is corny such as "I like your shirt". Guys love it when you stroke their ego.

- Try to stay on neutral subjects such as music, hobbies, TV/movies etc. Ask open-ended questions instead of yes/no ones to continue the conversation. Avoid the BIG 5 in conversation: religion, politics, sex/relationships, family/friends and occupation. Don't delve into these subjects unless provoked. You basically want to avoid being overly personal when you meet someone initially aka 'coming on strong'.

- Whenever you are speaking to someone, make sure to have eye contact (you will be surprised how many people don't). If they don't look at you when they are talking, they may be disinterested in the conversation (or REALLY shy).

- One technique I learned with flirting is contact. Even something like touching their arm with your hand is generally perceived as being more than 'friendly'.

- If the person you are talking to is giving one-word responses (yes/no) and/or not asking for a rebuttal (therefore continuing the conversation), they are not interested in you and it is best to move on.

- Even if you don't want to date and/or bang the guy, don't dismiss them right away. You could have a potential friend out of the situation.

Hopefully some of these tidbits could help.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Congrats on coming out! Woohoo! Big step of the journey!

Personally, and I know you're looking for more specific answers, I would have to say just wear what you want to wear! If you try to dress to fit into a certain image of what you think the place will be, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment, or you could attract the guys you may not be attracted to. If you want more direction for the specific bar/club you're going to, find the bars website - they'll have a photo gallery... check it out and see what the people at the bar are wearing (However, that doesn't mean you have to dress in drag just because you see a drag queen with a microphone in the first 28 pictures! haha)

As far as approaching guys, maxpower did a good job of giving you pointers. Remember to just have fun! You're going out for the first time, at 18, and you should just get to be comfortable with meeting people.... and don't go for the hottest guy in the bar right away - give yourself the opportunity to have an awkward introduction or two with guys you wouln't mind losing And if there is someone you want to get to know more... biblically..... gently touching works really well! Touch them in a neutral spot... forearm and shoulder are best. If it's loud in the place where I meet the guy, and I have to lean in to talk to him a little bit, I'll sometimes put my hand on his shoulder when I lean in to talk to him (albeit, this is a bit into the conversation). Or, if he asks a question that I have an enthusiastic answer for, I'll hold the middle of his forearm when I give my answer. Non-verbal cues are really big, and many people don't pick up on them.

How do you know if he's interested in you? There will be lots of eye contact. He'll bite or lick his lower lip, if his hair is longer, he may play with it... or he'll make sure its not in his face. He'll turn his body towards you, while away from the crowd or other people. I know thats a lot, but it's also important to not get TOO caught up that. Just go out, meet people have fun. Remember that there may be guys there who are out looking for the same thing you are - to get over that social hurdle.... you may disappoint them if you're not interested, they may disappoint you if they're not... so always be polite, kind, and honest.

 

[alexjames1234567]

Maxpowr9-
Thank you for the wonderful advice! No I am not completely socially inept. You just have to remember my situation. I've been "straight" my whole life and never had to actually hit on someone I'm physically attracted to. It's kind of like riding a bike and driving a car. It's similar in many ways but also very much different. The pointers you gave me were really wonderful. I honestly would have NEVER thought of the occupation thing. I guess I'm a bit out of the loop being in college because 99% of the people I interact with are college students my age. I guess occupation can be a touchy subject for some. I will definitely keep that in mind. I think your last line was really a biggy. I'm not looking to find the man of my dreams my first night out. I'm just looking to get myself out there and stick my toe in the water. I definitely won't be picky with who I talk to. The more gay friends I have the better! The contact thing is completely new to me. I will definitely look out and notice it, and I'll try to use it at an appropriate time and see how it works. Thanks!


Dhchitown1984-
You also gave me some wonderful advice! Thank you so much. I hate to sound stereotypically materialistic but I am kind of baffled as to what I should wear. I'll figure it out. You put it best as just wear what I want to wear. I'm me and quite honestly I'll talk to anyone who comes up to me. No matter what they are wearing or what they look like.

"However, that doesn't mean you have to dress in drag just because you see a drag queen with a microphone in the first 28 pictures! haha" HAHAHAHAHA. I actually laughed out loud when I read that line.

So I hate to ask more questions but do you think me being young and inexperienced (and I'm not talking about sex, but more so inexperienced in the gay scene as a whole) I should say that when I'm talking to someone? Or should I leave that out? I am 18, but when I don't shave I definitely look like I'm in my low 20's. And believe me I won't be going for the hottest guy at the bar. I am going to be far too nervous. The tip about leaning in and touching them in the shoulder is a REALLY good idea. See this is the shit I need to learn! Thank you! (I feel like I'm on a flirting for dummies show lol)

As I said earlier I am going to go with the flow. I'm going to talk to whoever and not really worry about anything. Honestly talking to a gay man and holding a conversation is like sex to me. That sounds pretty pathetic but I'm at square one here and I'm ok with that. And don't worry I'll be on my best behavior!

Thank you again for the wonderful advice. You've really helped me a lot.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Alex: No problem asking questions! Consider this forum to be a big ol bunch of older brothers.... ask us questions, look to us for advice.... when you have advice to give, give it and be the older brother. Everyone in this no-flame zone is here to be a source of confidence, and advice.

Moving on - No need to disclose any lack of experience. Everybody on Earth was born a virgin. As far as sexual experience goes, its the one thing we all have in common - we were all virgins at some point.... don't be embarassed. Ask us your questions!

You said that talking to a gay man and holding a conversation was like sex to you - I know what you mean. It's OK! It's completely new territory for you! For someone who has just come out, (and we've all been there,) you on a new emotional roller coaster you've never been on before... you're sort of "discovering" sex for the first time. Enjoy the ride! If that's where you are, keep on having these conversations until you're OK with it - talk to guys, text them back and forth with flirty texts, friend them on facebook and just get used to how they present themselves.... and follow their example for whatever works best for you.... everyone is different, and everyone's past experience has shaped them to who they are today - keep shaping yourself! Don't move past "conversation" until you're ready... there is NOTHING wrong with that..... be YOU.

Good luck, keep us posted, and have fun!

 

[xxjason123x]

Hello!
I go out to the bars/clubs in Seattle every other weekend or so. it's fun and it's pretty easy to meet other guys. Just the other week I got a little too drunk and was throwing up in the bathroom stalls when the guy washing his hands was telling me that I must have been having a good night lol We talked in the bathroom for a while and then proceeded to talk outside to get to know eachother. I guess it's all about having good communication skills. Even after someone witnessing me barf in a toilet he was willing to talk to me and even ask for my number but like the dumbass that I am i didn't give it lol

For me however, I don't really talk to guys when I am in the club unless I know them because everyone is too busy ordering drinks and/or dancing to the loud music. I usually talk to guys in the bars or outside when I ask for a cigarette or something. You'll have a good time. Seattle is filled with nice guys. Just don't go in with any expectations or you will be let down. just have a good time

good luck to you!