Gay but Can't Come Out

[ManInBlack]

Hello, sorry for taking up your time but I really need some advice and I don't know where else to go.

I am currently really struggling with being gay. I live in England and I play football for a living at a quite high level, only played a handful of games for the first team but I'm hopeful of being a regular feature in the team.

I'm guessing most on here are from the US, and I don't know what the gay/sport culture is over there but gay footballers over here is practically unheard of. It's rediculous to assume that there are infact no gay footballers because I have encountered a couple myself, it's just a fact of if you play football you stay in the closet.

The only prominent footballer to ever identify himself publicly as gay, was Justin Fashanu, who committed suicide in 1998. And that is a worry for me, I don't know how I would react to the press if they got a hold of the information because it's my personal life and I only want people I know and care about to know about me, not some knuckle dragging stranger. I want to play football, I love it but I also want a boyfriend I can go home to after a days work.

I've not told anyone I'm gay, not even my best mates just because 1 slip of the tongue and everyone could know. It's too risky but it also makes me feel lonely and alone. I've had girlfriends and stuff to keep up the front but whilst they've been pretty I've had very little sexual feelings for them, I really wish I did.

I'm just looking for some advice really, I don't have a clue what to do

 

[Corny]

Are we talking about rugby or football ("soccer" for the americans) here?

At least in Rugby apparently it CAN work out:
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=289335

But if you are talking about football/soccer I see where you are coming from. It is something totally unthinkable in Germany as well. For years people are talking about that we need one "big" coming out to break the ice. Some managers are "out" and they say they know quite a few gay "pro" players. But nobody of them is ready to come out. For a moment I thought things might change after Enke's suicide .. but it doesn't seem so

Sorry not much advice here .. but much sympathy.

 

[ManInBlack]

Are we talking about rugby or football ("soccer" for the americans) here?

At least in Rugby apparently it CAN work out:

But if you are talking about football/soccer I see where you are coming from. It is something totally unthinkable in Germany as well. For years people are talking about that we need one "big" coming out to break the ice. Some managers are "out" and they say they know quite a few gay "pro" players. But nobody of them is ready to come out. For a moment I thought things might change after Enke's suicide .. but it doesn't seem so

Sorry not much advice here .. but much sympathy.

yeah it is soccer. As I said I do know of 2 gay footballers, one of which is fairly high profile but it is so difficult to come-out it just frustrates me so much.

 

[KaraBulut]

In discussions when we talk about coming out, there are different meanings.

In a way, you have come out. You just said "I am gay" and "I want a boyfriend". That is really the hardest part.

What you are struggling with is the "public" part of the coming out process.

Another thing that we often say here is, "If coming out endangers your financial security, then maybe you shouldn't come out now". We're usually talking about college age people who are living with their parents. But in this case, coming out for you would probably interfere with your football career- whether it is a profession or an important hobby for you.

You will have to find a level of "outness". Not everyone is out at home and work and to their friends. You will probably end up having two very different lives- one that you have with your futball buddies (a life that appears straight) and another that you have with your friends and lovers (where you can relax and be yourself).

But don't have girlfriends and pretend to be straight. That's not fair to anyone and it makes it look like you think it's wrong to be gay.

There are out professional athletes but they have very established careers. There are more pro athletes who have semi-closeted lives. They are seldom seen at bars. They are seldom at public gay events. But they have friends and do go to private parties and on vacations with their gay friends.

And that will be probably what you have to do. But it is not unrealistic for you to have a boyfriend to come home to- whether that home is your home or his home.

 

[lonnie1]

I waited until I was 62 to come out so I understand the pressure you are under. And, no matter what people say, once you do come out as a sports star--your career will be impacted. Your sports career will probably only last about 10 years or so if you can handle the pressure for that long. Presumably at the end you'll have a financial cushion so you can pursue a different career. Sports guys are extremely homophobic and if you play around on the side, someone is sure to find out. So, you have to choose what you want to do. I know that once I did come out, I was one of those people who felt as if an incredible weight had been lifted from my soldiers. You'll have to decide what you want to do, but I think for your own mental peace of mind, you need to be what makes you comfortable.

 

[rareboy]

Personal courage and sacrifice are the two things that have changed the world for millions of gay guys today.

How can footballers be so tough, but so gutless?

 

[levenshulme31]

Personal courage and sacrifice are the two things that have changed the world for millions of gay guys today.

How can footballers be so tough, but so gutless?

How pointlessly unhelpful of you.

The professional football scene in Britain is as homophobic today as it was racist 30 years ago. I assume that the o/p loves football and the chance to play at senior professional level must be an incredible draw for him. Not least if only for the earning potential of top footballers. I rememebr the homophobic abuse meted out to Graeme Le Saux, (who is not gay) simply because he was educated and not a boorish thug. For a player to be open about being gay, particularly if he is not an established star, could have a massive detrimental effect on his career. It shouldn't and it is a scandal that this is the case, but it is.

ManInBlack, I can only wish you well and hope whatever you decide, you find happiness.

 

[rareboy]

And when a few hundred gay men and women started protesting and fighting back and getting the shit kicked out of them and losing their jobs back in the sixties and seventies, it was a tough time for them too.

Don't expect me to sit here sobbing because someone has to choose between living a closeted lie all their life or making a stand that could help change conditions for the generations to come, even if it meant that they may have to choose another career path.

Isn't there something wrong with a sport and its fans that they haven't got the intellectual capacity or strength to accept having a few homos running around kicking a ball?

 

[Digweed]

Not sure if I'd say as homophobic as it was racist 30 years ago. It is something that is being flagged up to clubs as an issue on account of the silence surrounding gay players, so small inroads are being made although there's going to be another good few years pass I think before any real headway is made.

 

[Darkflower]

The professional football scene in Britain is as homophobic today as it was racist 30 years ago.

I know you didn't feel that Rareboy's statement was helpful, but there is something to be said for pioneers. I mean, someone had to stand up in order for racism in the sport to begin to change, yes? And those early footballers who were not white probably had to reconcile themselves to enduring quite a bit of harrassment, as did their teams, until people either realized they weren't going anywhere, or their achievements were such that it overrode the stigma of being non-white.

Granted, the world around the sport--society in general--also had to change, as it did gradually, to embolden those pioneers. And granted, one needn't "come out" as non-white--it's salient, for the most part. It's right there for anyone to see. But the revolution had to start somewhere.

I'm not in the position of the OP, so I can in no way make a judgement about what he should or shouldn't do. I just wanted to point out the consistency between the two revolutions in sport, and in society.

 

[hotatlboi]

The pro sports culture is rather homophobic in the US too, sad to say.

 

[ManInBlack]

And when a few hundred gay men and women started protesting and fighting back and getting the shit kicked out of them and losing their jobs back in the sixties and seventies, it was a tough time for them too.

Don't expect me to sit here sobbing because someone has to choose between living a closeted lie all their life or making a stand that could help change conditions for the generations to come, even if it meant that they may have to choose another career path.

Isn't there something wrong with a sport and its fans that they haven't got the intellectual capacity or strength to accept having a few homos running around kicking a ball?

to be fair mate, football is my career atm. I'm on good money for doing what I love and I wouldn't give that up just to be a pioneer. I gave you the example of Justin Fashanu, shows how difficult it is to come out. I've read a few of your posts so I've learnt that quite a few are like this.

 

[ManInBlack]

Not sure if I'd say as homophobic as it was racist 30 years ago. It is something that is being flagged up to clubs as an issue on account of the silence surrounding gay players, so small inroads are being made although there's going to be another good few years pass I think before any real headway is made.

it's bollocks though tbh. Fans don't take any notice if someone shouts a homophobic comment, whereas people get reported for racism. It's difficult, I don't really know what to do with myself.

 

[rareboy]

So. there you go. You've made your decision.

And now you can live with the consequences of it and not look back in regret.

So. No more advice needed really is there?

BTW whyis it that my spidey senses are tingling?

 

[ericwhitney]

hey guy - you'd be surprised how many people would be happy to help you out if you gave them the chance. and not just because you have amazing legs.

Two situations I happen to know about, that are both coincidentally pretty similar. kind of modified closet situations - one an actor, one a hockey player. each is lucky enough to have a couple of very loyal friends who know they're gay. their friends basically recruit trusted dates for them. i know the actor is seeing basically one guy at this point. don't know about the other. he does it in group dates out with the boys. some of whom know, some of whom might not.

in your case, you are obviously going to have to figure out the first person you trust - gay or straight, btw. and then ask him for his help. easier said than done, I know but at some point life is going to get really difficult if you can't trust anyone at all.

good luck, and don't mind the flames

 

[unloadonme]

There's no easy answer to that one my friend. Try not to live a lie, even if you can't exactly live the truth. Attitudes are changing, but I guess most football supporters aren't leading the way.

Good luck.

 

[G-Lexington]

As usual, Rareboy is blunt but gets to the heart of the matter.

All choices come with opportunity costs. You can order the chicken sandwich, but that means you won't have the burger. You can buy the nice house, but it means you won't have the forced interaction of an apartment building. And you can play professional sports for a living, with the potential of a nice paycheck, adoration by fans, etc etc...but you'll have to either stay closeted or become some sort of poster child for "Gays In Sport", along with all the negative publicity and hate mail et al.

I'm not unsympathetic to your plight. I've oft discussed people in your position with others, and have often wondered if I would have the balls to make my sexuality known, even at the risk of an early (and perhaps abrupt) end to my career. But the fact remains - you knew this going in. Homophobia and/or the lack of gays in sports isn't a recent phenomenon. You must have known from the get-go that yours would not be an easy road.

My thoughts.

First off, I think you need to make a very clear choice which path you're going to follow. Either you're going to stay in the closet, or you're going to come out. At any point, you can opt to swap the closet for out, but of course, once you do, there's no turning back. And if at any point you ARE going to want to come out of the closet, you're going to want to own it. You do NOT want to be forced out because you were "seen last night at (gay club)", or a former lover reveals all to the press. Because at that point, you're not just gay. You're a coward, to boot. Pulling a George Michael (coming out once you've been caught red-handed at being gay) isn't an act of courage or "this is what I am" - it's a confession. And being gay isn't something that one is supposed to "confess" to. It's something that you simply make people aware of.

Given this, as long as you're going to remain on the closeted path, you have to do your damnedest not to get caught. Which means no going to gay bars, and no hooking up with guys. At all. It's very easy to feel cocky enough to think you can get away with it, but it's a Real World real world now. Much of what we do is done under the scrutiny of cameras and an audience, even if you're not Tiger Woods. Privacy is rapidly becoming a charming relic of the past, especially in the world of the celebrity. We no longer simply cheer for our favorite team - we read their posts on Twitter about their everyday lives.

Should you keep dating women? That's up to you, but I'd caution against it. You might think that'll keep the wolves at bay, but consider. First off, it's not entirely fair to the women involved. You're using them, even if some of them are using you, as well. And secondly, they might pick up on your lack of sexual interest, and there's always a paper sniffing around for a story like that. So tread extremely carefully there. You don't need to always have a woman on the arm to keep people from asking questions.

At some point, hopefully, you'll start thinking more about possibly coming out. I realize this is talking far in advance of the game, but if/when this happens, again, OWN it. Don't come out because pictures appeared on the internet, don't come out because people are asking questions. Come out because you feel it's time. Because you're sick of the duality you're living, and you're sick of the very idea that a guy can't be great at football/soccer AND like guys, as well. It should be clear that doing so will posit you in a MUCH stronger position. Will you take grief for it? Of course. But you'll be in a much better posiiton than if you wait for somebody to find something.

A final suggestion, and a strong one. Reading between the lines, I'd say this is the first gay website you've asked for advice on. And I feel we do have a good set of guys here who can suggest and advise. But I'd strongly urge you to check out another website - outsports. It's a site specifically geared towards gay athletes and gay fans. (No porn there, although they have their share of cheesecake-type pictures.) It's mainly sports talk, much as you'd find on other websites, with the addition of "I think this athlete is hot" comments, and some talk about gays-in-sports. There have been a couple closeted athletes who post on that website, most notably an American lacrosse coach who eventually did take the step of coming out. I'd urge you to read his thread, and perhaps sign up and start posting as well. I would caution you to be VERY careful what you reveal, since some people (in general - not just at outsports) like to play amateur detective. But I have a feeling you'll get a lot of support and wise counsel there.

Best of luck to you.

Lex

 

[Lube]

What Rareboy, Darkflower, and Lex said.

People get away with homophobia only because gays don't stand up for themselves.

Five years from now, this will all be inconsequential. Gay marriage and gayness in general is such a huge issue (in the US, at least) and it's going to break wide open very, very soon.

The GLBT community is sick of being 2nd class citizens, and young people today just don't give a crap about what your sexuality is.

You can be a leader and come out now, or a follower and hide in the closet.

The choice is yours.

 

[Timmy11]

It does seem like quite the predicament you are in here and i really feel for you.

My question would be have u come out to ur family? Especially if u are feeling really lonely having ur family there to support you would be invaluable.

Otherwise, id try and tell just 1 person that u know you can really trust. Even if it is just 1 little step im sure it will make u feel so much better.

 

[Nomenclature]

football is my career atm. I'm on good money for doing what I love and I wouldn't give that up just to be a pioneer.

Well, it sounds like you've answered your own question then.


Do you plan on making football a life-long career until you retire?