Gay dating morals...

[zealotww]

I don't really know how to put this in a nutshell. I recently posted that I went on my first date at 25 years old. We also had a second date that went well. This is when it went a bit awry. On New Year's Day, I get a text message from him asking what I was up to; I told him that my family and I were doing the regular family thing. Then I get another text saying, and I quote: "I hope I'm not being to forward, but do you want a bj?"

I was taken aback. Granted, I'm new to this whole dating thing, but is that something you say to someone with whom you've only been on a date twice? Am I just being a prude. I don't know if that's normal in gay dating; I know that a guy wouldn't ask a girl that after only two dates. I don't know if rules are different for us.

I didn't know what to respond. I ended up saying no. He apologized for being forward, but now I'm all frazzled.

Did I do the right thing?

 

[Jeimuzu]

Last - and only - time I had a bf, we didn't date before getting to the sex. Neither of us had the money for dates, and I'd just spent what little I had on getting to his area, but I'm not sure we would have either way. *shrugs* People are different, and I'd advise just going along with it. If you want a bj, ask him for one. If nothing else, now he's offered, now you won't feel forward by asking

I think, however, there's less of an accepted set of 'rules' for gay dating, until a few years ago, gay dating was unheard of, while straight dating has been happening for centuries, really.

 

[KentuckyPython]

Have you talked to him?

To me it would depend on what's gone on before: a lot of phone time, texts, e-mails. For some guys, by the second date you should have already fucked them. I'm for taking it slowly but naturally and avoiding a "timeline."

Now, texting it to you is a little tacky, but maybe it's a generational thing.

 

[Just_Believe18]

You had a right to say "no." It is an awkward request after the 2nd date (and to say it by text message!). Morals are relative in these type of situations but I agree with the way you handled it. Hopefully, he'll be a bit better at setting the mood, erhem.

 

[RicanDAB]

It all depends on the comfort level you guys developed in the first two dates. It sounds like this was out of left field for you ... so you handled it the right way.

 

[hermanding]

it's all person to person. if i connected with the guy and that chemistry had signs of being there, i can't imagine a thing wrong with it. under those circumstances, sounded like a compliment to me. i don't look at morals in the context of sex activities-consensual (?)activities. i imagine there are prudes who would steal one blind in a second, and there are those who fuck on the first date who would be there for you forever
ding

 

[Riverrick]

As you can see given the above answers, the rules seem to be different for most gay men than for a straight man and a woman. It can be confusing because we all have out own personal rules as well and so, from guy to guy, it isn't clear what is appropriate behavior and what isn't.

Now throw the entity of of horniness into the mix and suddenly guys will take bigger risks than normal in order to get sex. They may even act in ways that they otherwise wouldn't. They get tired of sitting alone in their apartments and jacking off to porn and crave a real person.

So, I'm not at all surprised that he asked your for that. I think that the best you can do is to decide what you want and what you don't and be consistent.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I don't really know how to put this in a nutshell. I recently posted that I went on my first date at 25 years old. We also had a second date that went well. This is when it went a bit awry. On New Year's Day, I get a text message from him asking what I was up to; I told him that my family and I were doing the regular family thing. Then I get another text saying, and I quote: "I hope I'm not being to forward, but do you want a bj?"

I was taken aback. Granted, I'm new to this whole dating thing, but is that something you say to someone with whom you've only been on a date twice? Am I just being a prude. I don't know if that's normal in gay dating; I know that a guy wouldn't ask a girl that after only two dates. I don't know if rules are different for us.

I didn't know what to respond. I ended up saying no. He apologized for being forward, but now I'm all frazzled.

Did I do the right thing?

Hmmm. Do not be 'all frazzled'.

Trust me, there are much worse things in life, than being offered a BJ on a New Year's Day.

Are you being prude?

I'd say, you are. However, this largely depends on your environment. What's most natural, usual, run-of-mill daily thing in San Francisco, CA might be a fully outrageous things in Hoboken, NJ (sp.?)

Rulez?

Everyone pretty much writes their own rules. It is after all their relationship... but comparing m2f with m2m is just like comparing apples and pears. Not really the same. Frankly, if my partner started making such comparisons, I'd be the first to ask that awful, 'so, you are a woman in our relationship, coz you are always a catcher, rite?'

On a more serious note, men tend to be far more open and straightforward about their sexual needs among themselves, than vs. their female partners. Most men need little or no emotional bond to get 'romping in the hay'. Women are very different here. If you go gay cruising and see what's going on there, you'd see soon why many str8 men envy us to no end. If women agreed to have anonymous, no-string-attached sex en masse, just like gay men do, they'd have to build highway exists to bring all the horny dudes to such areas. This ain't going to happen.

My topline:

Do not compare m2m with m2f relationships. It is a bad comparison.

Consider offers for a BJ a great compliment. And think twice and think hard before turning a hot dude down. BTW, what a great way to start into a New Year?

Consider your relationship a fully private affair. What goes on their must be within the limits of the law but should be purely subject to the desires of the two people involved and should not reflect the prevailing local mores.

Always demonstrate your emotionally intelligent attitude = Try to put yourself in the shoes of your prospective BF. You are taking it slow, nice and easy. He may also want to make sure that the sexual side of your relationship works for him, too, before he gets emotionally very involved and before he has been dating for weeks... . I have been lightly burnt once and have learned my lesson. I am sure most other guys around here would have a similar story to tell.

SC

 

[drhladnjak]

There are no true rules to gay dating. It's just whatever the two guys involved feel comfortable with. Keep in mind though that what you're comfortable with may be influenced by how you were raised under the assumption of being straight. It's important to think about what you want and where your boundaries are. Although you almost certainly were not raised to accept the sexual propositions of men (especially ones you don't know all that well), it's something that you might be interested and something to consider.

Is this normal? I dunno, what's normal mean here? I'd say what happened is not uncommon. I do find it a bit odd that he texted you about it, but texting tends to be a very to the point method of communication where conveying nuance is not only rare but physically taxing (so much button pushing).

I went on a first date once where the guy literally told me out of the blue about 2 hours into the date, "we can go back to your apartment and have sex now if you want". It wasn't so much what he said, but how he said it that unnerved me at the time. I might have gone along with him if he'd said something like, "do you have any DVDs we could watch at your place?" then put the moves on me in mid-movie.

Another time, I was at a small get-together with a friend of a friend. We'd just met the day before (he was just visiting from out of town) and had a lot of chemistry going on. While I was in the bathroom, he texted me with something along the lines of "I'm really into to you. Do you want to go back to my place?" When I got out of the bathroom, I told him "let's go". It was just the right guy saying the right thing at the right time.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey zealottww,

Mate...you do whatever you are comfortable with...thats the rules! Dont ever feel pressured or rushed...its all about your personal comfort zone....

Just be honest with your date. Be upfront and explain why you feel the way you do. We are all different and the most important thing is respect for yourself and others...just do him the courtesy of being honest and my guess is that you'll both be better of for it!