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Gay Guy + Girls =>Yeah, A Little Help Here, Please

If you are a gay guy w/ girls who are attracted to you, would you...

  • Run & Hide Whenever you see them (basic avoidance)

    Votes: 2 5.4%

  • Come out to them (yes, to each of them, but their reaction is anyone's guess)

    Votes: 20 54.1%

  • String Them Along (play hard to get, make yourself untainable; hope they'll take a hint)

    Votes: 13 35.1%

  • Try to make yourself unattractive to them (Change your personality around them)

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Pursue a "Relationship" (Though I consider this playing games with a young girls heart)

    Votes: 2 5.4%
  • Total voters
    37
JJFlame

JJFlame

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This used to be a big issue for me, I wanted to be accepted by everybody, I never turned a single girl down, I would string them along and pretend to be interested to keep the secret of my sexuality safe. But this is the worst way to deal with this, I had many girlfriends, and it was a huge mistake. Pretending I was something I was not nearly killed me inside, I used to be a heart breaker, I would string them along and move onto the next one just so we didn't get a chance to become too close, or at least close enough for her to realize I was gay. I wish I didn't do this because I have some serious guilt issues now because of it. I hurt alot of girls for my own seflish reasons without giving their feelings a second thought.

This all changed when I came out, everytime a girl would come onto me I would start talking about guys until shit got the picture. And if it didn't go over well, fuck her, I don't care what she thinks of me, what's important is that i am honest with myself and everyone else. However I was only able to do this because my whole inner circle of friends knew about and supported my sexuality, they understood I was gay and always had my back if someone decided to start trouble. I guess I was the token gay guy, but whatever, my friends loved me and I loved them back. And that's really all that was important.

From what i've read I am assuming you have some pretty religious family members and you risk being rejected if you were to tell them, so going around telling people about it while you are financially dependant on your parents probably isn't the best idea. My advice is this: Act like you aren't interested. Make up a girlfriend, tell them you already have a girlfriend from out of town, tell them anything just to let them no you're not interested or are unavailable. But do yourself and a favor and save yourself the drama of going through girls, breaking hearts left and right to protect yourself.
 
I've gotten to be a master at giving "I just want to be friends" hints. The older I get, the better I get at it... or they get better at taking the hint.
 
Hi Genuwine, and welcome to JUB and to this forum. Glad you're here. :wave:

I don't think you're cocky at all--as I was reading the first part of your post, I was thinking to myself "I bet he's pretty good looking and has a friendly personality." Bingo--perfect magnet.

Another reason why you're attractive to women, probably, is that you're not a macho jerk like so many straight guys are (sorry, this is grossly stereotypical of me, but I might be able to get away with it because there are few straight guys reading this!).

When I was in high school, I had those types of girlfriends too. I never, at least consciously, thought of it as a shield or a way to hide--I basically just liked their company and enjoyed the attention.

You've graduated now--so what's next? Are you going away to college? If so, that will be a natural break from the neighborhood, church, family and all things awkward. If you're not going away, consider doing so (I'm serious--it solves soooo many problems).

Short of that, just cool it with them. Recognize that it's not fair to them to string them along and flirt. They'll eventually get the hint. Expect the rumors and guessing and so on. You could just short-circuit all of that by flatly coming out, but I don't sense that you're at that point yet.

Good luck! Let us know what happens, and hope you post here often.
 
Hi Ginuwine. Well, I didn't have a whole school after me but I've been through this enough to know what you're talking about. It doesn't stop after high school either. Not even after college. Especially if you're a nice guy (which you obviously are), girls will set their sights on you for years to come.

So I have to agree with the honest approach. Somehow, in some way, you should tell them that this thing isn't going to become a love affair. Its going to stay a friendship only. I'm not saying that you have to come out to all of them but maybe at least "I like you as a friend but its never going to be more than that". If you don't, your situation will only get worse and they will only be MORE heartbroken in the future than now.

I've caused heartbreak I suppose, in the past. I've dated girls (cause I couldn't say No) and then didn't call them afterwards and would run into them later and act as if there was nothing wrong. They would look at me hurt and brush me off. That's the Do Nothing Approach. It feels safe but it doesn't work well. I don't really feel guilty because I didn't ask to be gay but I recognized that I didn't like being that kind of person.

After I came out, I made it a point to just tell them that I'm gay. Its really the perfect answer. They don't have to take the rejection personally. They see its not about them. And sometimes they are intrigued and still want to be friends. So, good luck.
 
You may not want to come out to girl #1, though it would end her running after you. Either that, or she'll just get offended and think you're making it up because you're not interested in her.

Anyway, you could just make up a g/f story, but those have a funny way of getting back to you. Personally, I always played the naive Catholic boy card. I am naive to a certain extent, especially when it comes to sex and hook-ups. But I knew when girls were interested in me. I just acted oblivious to their advances. They'd ask me out to dinner and I'd be enthused as a friend would. I wanted to maintain those friendships, so I figured acting like a friend ALWAYS would show them that I wasn't interested in anything more. At one point over dinner, I'd ask "so is there any guy you're interested in? You seem to be getting along great with ________." This was my signature "I want to be friends" move.

But, the easiest way is to just say: "_____, I really like you as a friend, but I don't think we should go out together." And if she asks why, just tell her that you're not ready for a relationship and that you've got some life questions to figure out before you would ever consider a relationship with another person.

Those are my thoughts...Good luck!
 
This is actually happening to me right now as well. There's a girl at work who has developed an interest in me and I have no idea how to shake her off! I need some advice too, but unfortunately I have to go to bed now because I have to get up early for work again tomorrow. :( I'll write again when I next get the chance...
 
Irf you checked anything but the second option, you're a game player.

cut it out.

(ok, if you're not out and and just aren't ready.. i guess #1 is ok too.. for now.. but come out already, dammit...)
 
pretty much, yeah.

(hey man, you asked for our own opinions, right? not the politically correct response?)
 
Ginuwine one thing that has never failed for me is the "____ I like you too much, your a great friend and I can't help but think that a relationship would ruin it (at this point bring up a relationship that started good but then turned sour after awhile where the people never talked again)" That way you get to avoid the coming out, and you get to keep her as a friend.

I came out as a Freshmen, so in high school I didn't get too many overt crushes. Though I made one girl cry (made me feel really bad) cuz she liked me all through 8th grade and part of 7th and then I just walked up to her one day (I overestimated the grape vine of my school) and cried out "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!" she did the I'm happy for you thing, but later a friend of mine told me she found her in the bathroom crying her eyes out :( Oh but the point of that little story was that even after you come out the crushes still come. I know there was one girl who seriously would have done anything for me. She offered to give me a foot massage once (eww stinky feet :P) for the first month I had no idea she was interested in me and it was common knowledge that I was gay. She used to say I love you all the time I used to say I luv you too (notice the spelling) I'm not cute, I'm just nice. Girls are attracted to that. She's the only one that I remember at my last school that was madly inlove with me, even though she tried not to be to overt about it since she knew I was gay. Think I started babbling somewhere along there, but ya my advice should work for ya.

edit::: Oh and I've done the string them along hoping they'll get the hint, and the changing my personality around them. I've done em all. It doesn't make you a game player it makes you cautious. Before I forced myself to come out, being gay was like the worst thing ever. Everyone hated you, several people in my school liked to beat up 'fags' my family was very outspoken bout their views on the subject so it wasn't exactly an inviting idea to come out. It's easier for those of us who have come out, to forget how difficult it can be. And even easier for those that didn't have any issues and didn't lose any friends to think that everyone is in the same situation.
 
I don't think you have to come out to every girl that's attracted to you. There are definitely ways to set limits with them so they know that you are not interested in a relationship without telling them why. And I don't think it is rude or playing games. Only reason you have to tell them is if you don't set the limits at the first sign and things get too involved (I'd elaborate, but we all know what I'm talking about and there is no clear cut line). And it isn't being dishonest either. When it comes to crushes (gay or str8), I'm not sure very many people are completely honest when letting somebody down. As long as you don't string them along giving them hope, I think it is within bounds of being acceptable.
 
I have this theory of sorts. It goes like this: Being gay is natural but the world is screwed up and views it as unnatural. As a result of this view, it affects us who are gay (we suffer stress and some messed up relationships) AND it affects the straight people (it affects their relationships with us and can also cause them stress and hurt, as in the girls who fall in love with us). So this screwed up perspective of homosexuality affects everyone. We take our lumps and they take theirs, whether they realize it or not.

Some of this pain is unavoidable and neither you or I are the cause of it. I can't deal with my issues regarding being gay plus protect all of the straight people from getting hurt from all of this dysfunction. So I release that responsibility and I just do the best I can with my life. Other people will feel pain. Its just part of the balance of nature. Anyhow, that's my theory.

I don't think there is a right answer for your situation, Ginuwine. I say just do the best you can and try to release the guilt when things don't turn out perfectly. Take it day by day, step by step. I don't think you're a bad or weak person no matter what path you choose. You're just doing the best you can, as are we all.
 
HotDude69 said:
It's not always that easy. Not everyone lives in West Hollywood where basically 99.9% of the population is very accepting of gay people.
Click to expand...

Really?

hm.. had no idea. :rolleyes:










I grew up in a small rural farming village along the North Atlantic Canadian Shore.

our options that were given....

Run & Hide Whenever you see them - this is game playing. Playing hard to get, playing hide and seek.. not being you.. pretending it's not a problem is pretending.


String Them Along - this is game playing.. pretending that you're interested when you're not.

Try to make yourself unattractive to them - this is game playing... pretending that you're not you, so they won't like you. it's also a good way of chasing off people that you like.. if they see you as someone who's unattractive and kind of a jerk.

Pursue a "Relationship" - this is SO game playing.. playing with someone else's emotions because you're too chicken shit to tell them what you really are? Man, this is the worst one of all.

Come out to them - this is honesty. this is the only thing a grown man should do.


this is just how I feel.


had the option of just tellling her you weren't interested in anything other than friendship without a reason been given, I would have also chosen that as an acceptable option. But it wasn't. The only one that doesn't qualify as "game playing" to this country girl is option #2. (!)
 
I've been hit on a few times at work by woman who don't know better. Since they're not my friends - and probably won't be - I just tell them I'm taken. It's really none of their busness!
 
Soil that's what I said :D If you tell a girl that you value their friendship above all else, they'll go awww and then be a little miffed, but they'll still be your friend. That way they don't get hurt and you don't have to be chased out of town by an angry mob of rednecks with pitchforks and torches :D
 
Ok, so I've been out to my close friends and family for a good few years now (and to a select few others of my choice) who I feel ok about disclosing my sexuality to.

Before I was working for this company, I decided to myself that I did not want any of my colleages to know, simply because I felt that it was no one's business but my own. I say hi to pretty much everyone at work but I don't really engage in small talk (unless they initiate the conversation) and try to befriend them or anything so as to get close to them which most people seem to have understood. But for some odd reason this "girl" just won't take the hint even though I told her that I'm not interested in a friendship/relationship with her so I don't think I have strung her along in any way. Her persistence remained and I did think about coming out to her, however I still do not want my colleagues to know, and if I had told her, then there would be that risk of her telling everyone else.

To reiterate my position, it is no ones business but my own and I don't believe that I should be made to feel forced to come out to them if I choose not to.

I don't want people telling me "it's not natural", "I'm a sinner", "I'll go to hell", "I can choose not to live a gay lifestyle", "I haven't tried", "I haven't met the right girl yet", "how do I know I'm gay?" and all that other bullshit. I would just rather not have the hassle, thank you very much.
 
Well, I'm not one to play "I told you so". I'm glad for your epiphany that

The best policy is always honesty, even if people are being told something they don't want to hear. At this point, you're being maniulated by people who are treating you like a prize and not a person.

You're having your life planned out for you by people who have their own wants over your needs.

So yeah, looks like it's time to come clean lest you get bullied into a marriage and children by Christmas.
 
Unless you forge your own way.

Which may mean leaving your location and moving to a place where you can be who you are.

Where your skin colour isn't really relevant and your sexual orientation isn't a detrament.

If the people in your life are treating you like furniture, you have to leave. Not only is it unfair and rude, it's not helping them in the long run.

Even if they shamed you back in the closet and got you to marry bachelorette #1, she'd still be married to a man who wasn't interested in her.

You, I'm afraid, are going to have to be the bigger man here.
 
I guess what i mean is that I'm glad I don't belong to a church and that every one of my life decisions needs to be weighed by how a bunch of people are going to react.
 
As a Bi-guy,I never found this to be a problem. Then again,I'm not totally gay. I'd date them,see where it went and then eventually ,I dumped them,or they dumped me. I did have one say she was trying to save me. I dumped her like a hot potato and ran for the hills as fast as I could. Thank God there was a Gay MEN ONLY Campground 30 min. away. lol. just kidding.
 
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