Gay in a fraternity

[bhandsome]

I've posted on here a few times before with guidance on how to handle my sexuality. Personally, I don't see a change in accepting my sexuality because I can't be honest with myself to be honest with my friends. My friends at school are my fraternity brothers. The reason I joined was to gain male friends, brotherhood, which I never really had growing up; I always had female friends and that bothered me.

My frat brothers are average guys, always talking about sex, girls, and "normal guy things." Yes, I know there are gay guys who also enjoy doing normal guy things, but that's not the point. The point is idk if they would accept me if I came out to them. I hear them use the word "fag" on a regular basis in different forms, and that is one sign they won't be accepting. I can't say that word bothers me cause then it basically puts me in a position to come out. They accepted me for my leadership and personality, but I'm not too confident these factors would shadow my sexuality. I feel every time we are all together I want to scream out, "I'm gay!"

If I came out to them I worry that it could affect our relationship, and not in a positive way. I don't want to distance myself from the whole fraternity because their not accepting. Honestly I know all of them wouldn't shun me but it's the principle of the fact.

Just a thought.

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

Typically, frat boys will do more than talk about girls, they will go out on dates, parties, flirt, etc. If they don't see you dating girls (holding hands, kissing, etc.) or doing other straight-guy things with the opposite sex, they are likely to start talking behind your back, if not a direct question about your sexuality. Since you are probably in very close proximity to your frat brothers, if not living in the same dorm room, I just don't see you being able to stay in your closet for very long.

My advice is to pick a low-key moment to come out to one or two of your brothers that you trust the most and let them know. As you said, there is a hell of a lot more to a guy than who he is attracted to. If they have a shed of maturity in this day and age, they ought to get it. After all, do you really want to hang with those who don't?

 

[bhandsome]

Your probably right about them talking about me behind my back. I just didn't want to admit that these guys who say they "love me" would do something like that.

A few of them have asked before if I was gay and we just laughed it off, like yeah right that's a lie; it's always very awkward to have to lie to myself to feel more secure. While on a few occasions, while drinking, a couple of them confronted me about if I was gay and of course I said no just to get off the subject and I'm tired of lying.

Thankfully I know a handful of brothers whom I could tell and probably wouldn't care but would they keep their mouths shut? It could possibly become awkward for them too when girls are brought up into a conversation and then they have to start lying for me, it's just too much. One thing that's really bothered me is that I could be nominated for President and if coming out would affect my election; it sounds selfish but sometimes I feel I should put my sexuality in my speech. I don't think that would be the best idea though haha

I just don't want to have to cut off ties with possibly half of the frat because they aren't willing to accept me..

 

[boredman321]

I came out to my fraternity guys while I was pledging... most fraternities deal with Secrecy ... so it was my way of saying I trusted them.

 

[bhandsome]

I came out to my fraternity guys while I was pledging... most fraternities deal with Secrecy ... so it was my way of saying I trusted them.

I actually thought about doing that. My problem with that was when I thought of doing it, it was before I got a bid. I didn't want them to feel obligated to give me one because if they didn't it might seem as though it was because I'm gay. That was my only worry with that.

I was smart about seeing if they would be accepting by asking, "If one of your best friends was gay would you still talk to them." I believe all of them said yes they would.

 

[pai mei]

I actually thought about doing that. My problem with that was when I thought of doing it, it was before I got a bid. I didn't want them to feel obligated to give me one because if they didn't it might seem as though it was because I'm gay. That was my only worry with that.

I was smart about seeing if they would be accepting by asking, "If one of your best friends was gay would you still talk to them." I believe all of them said yes they would.

i'd do what steveyboyla suggested. go to one or two that you trust the most. and tell them. one on one is probably the best way of doing it.

once you do it to 2 or 3, you'll probably want to talk to everyone one-on-one within a short period of time. personally, when i did it, i told my oldest friend first, then a second friend, then another, then another, then another. mostly in the span of 1 day, but i had to wait a bit for a couple others that weren't around.

i know it's scary, but i think they'd be accepting honestly, and if they aren't... well.. they never were your friends.

 

[bhandsome]

i'd do what steveyboyla suggested. go to one or two that you trust the most. and tell them. one on one is probably the best way of doing it.

once you do it to 2 or 3, you'll probably want to talk to everyone one-on-one within a short period of time. personally, when i did it, i told my oldest friend first, then a second friend, then another, then another, then another. mostly in the span of 1 day, but i had to wait a bit for a couple others that weren't around.

i know it's scary, but i think they'd be accepting honestly, and if they aren't... well.. they never were your friends.

Thanks for the response. From past experiences, I have had the urge to tell a few while I had been drinking, liquid courage. I'm not saying it's the smartest option.

 

[thermodynamics]

Regarding the "homophobia", they don't know any different. It's "the thing to do."

But I also think you're not giving them enough credit. Unless you've got some real conservative nutcase I think you'll be OK. They'll be surprised, and shocked perhaps, but they'll be OK.

As for how to bring it up to the group, I really don't know.

 

[jubalon]

Hmmm.. I was about to join a fraternity-like student group when I just started out studying. I ended up in a more political/cultural student group instead, and I'm extremely happy I did that instead.

I've gotten quite a few very good friends from there, mostly straight guys, even though the group has its share of gays and girls as well.

My point as to why I'm happy about my choice, is that I wouldn't be comfortable in a possible homophobic fraternity-situation, because I'm simply a bit wary about personal things if I'm in a minority position. A bit of a coward, one might say.

Now, I'm certain that being gay and out in such a fraternity can be a very useful experience, both for you and the other guys. But it takes guts and a spine to make that worthwhile.

I didn't have that when I started out studying, and found it much easier to join a group that actively supported me, instead of a group that might potentially be degrading. And I see that as 100% the right choice for me.

BUT, if you can see yourself having the guts to stick up for yourself, having to argument for yourself to get support and understanding, I think there might be something to gain.

 

[ThreeCrows]

Not sure this is really worth posting as I am guessing you already know this, but sometimes people use "fag" and "gay" as a synonym for "bad", "lame", or "I don't like that." Of course, only you can be the judge of how your frat brothers really use these words, but it might just be the case rather than any real or perceived homophobia.
You are in a tough spot, good luck.

 

[bhandsome]

Thanks for the responses. I'm trying to think of who to tell and how.