Gay Social Life.

[daffyd90]

Hi, I'm 19, male gay (obviously). I feel really stressed for no reason at all, was just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience to myself.

Over the past year i have come out to a few of my friends, the majority of them now know, the ones who don't are really just people i haven't got round to telling. My family don't know yet, saving the best for last hah.. Anyway.. since coming out to my friends my social life has changed a lot. I used to play football a lot (soccer) with my straight friends watch games etc., I've always had a large number of female friends. This has all changed, i feel like i've been stereotyped. My straight friends don't ask me to play football anymore and my female friends want to take me out all the time, like an accessory. I feel like people see me as just this "Gay guy" and my personality means nothing..

I have no problem being gay, i have a boyfriend and have had for around 9 months now and i'm perfectly happy in that aspect. I feel like i've lost a part of myself and i feel like i have no one to share that part with? I feel like i've lost friends :/ we don't talk like we used too or do the things that we used too. Basically i miss spending time with my guy friends, they aren't homophobic but it just seems like everything changed after i came out.

I'd like to have more gay friends but i don't know how to meet any?.. i don't generally go to gay friendly places, it's not really my scene but i'd like to have some like-minded gay friends who get me and understand me. The only way of meeting guys like that would be through the internet but i don't think my boyfriend would like me using the internet specifically to meet gay guys.

I just feel really stuck at the moment and pissed off because i'm bored :/ i go out and have fun.. but i miss doing some of the things i used too.


I know this is a really trivial matter but i needed to get it off my chest. I'm also not too sure if this is the right place for it. If anyone does have any advice please let me know..

 

[daffyd90]

I live in scotland, there is a gay community, i've had experiences with it and haven't had great triumphs. I'm moving out soon hopefully so the freedom from that might help with meeting new people, it's mainly the change in my old group of friends thats stressed me out.

 

[spencer]

Isn't football regularly scheduled? Why can't you meet up with the guys to play? Or can you ask them and tell them you'd like to be included, they are your friends.

Lastly, doesn't your boyfriend have any gay friends?

 

[daffyd90]

things were a bit weird after i told them, but they are fine with it now, so i stopped going regularly.. and never really picked it up again .. i don't feel as close to them anymore ... my boyfriend does have gay friends but i'd like to have friends of my own, i get on fine with his friends, but they are his friends.

I find it hard to explain, for instance, i'm supposed to be going out on saturday night, with about 5 females friends, it just seems alien and weird to me. I'd rather have a couple of guys to talk too? gay or straight i wouldnt mind. Just feels weird to be going out with just girls?

 

[G-Lexington]

I don't mind going out with a bunch of girls so long as they're fun to be with and fun to talk to. If they're not, well, it doesn't matter what gender they are.

Perhaps your old friends haven't called much. But you do know your phone works the other way too, right? You can call THEM? You can invite THEM to go play football? So if you want to, pick up the phone and call them.

Go ahead and use the internet. But don't search for "gay men in my area". Search for gay GROUPS in your area. Gay social clubs, gay biking clubs, gay sporting leagues, gay volunteer groups.

Lex

 

[spencer]

things were a bit weird after i told them, but they are fine with it now, so i stopped going regularly.. and never really picked it up again .. i don't feel as close to them anymore...

just think what't hey're thinking. Hey, how come daffy doesn't come play anymore. I dunno, every since he came out all he does is hang out with girls and his boyfriend. It was weird at first, but I didn't think he's stop coming...

Sounds to me like you dropped the ball too. Friendships take effort too.

Oh and btw, you can still have new straight friends too. Make new friends like you've always made them: do something you like to do and meet new people doing it.

 

[mydrew1]

Lol, I have the same problem as you. I have no gay/bi friends, pah.

 

[rareboy]

You can't expect everyone else to do all the work. If you take a completely passive role in socializing, you're going to lose friends. Of all sexes.

As others have said, the phone works both ways.

 

[Lube]

Daffyd, from your second post I'd say you gave up on your straight friends as much as they gave up on you. That's OK, because what I think you're really asking is: How do I get gay friends? And that's a great question to ask.

I had the same problem when I came out. I have a blog entry on it.
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/view.php?blog=153515&id=18276&title=how-do-i-find-a-good-man

There's nothing wrong with straight friends and girl friends, but I find it a lot easier to talk with gay friends. So a mix is good.

Locally, the bear community is very close knit and we do lots of things together. I have never been so busy and so happy in my life! But it took a while to get friends. People can be surprisingly shy and/or resistant to bring new people into their circles. You just gotta get out there and meet people.

You'd be surprised how many gay men you meet at coffee shops, bookstores (if there are any left!), gift stores (there are local stores called Corazon and another small chain called Patina that tons of gay guys hang out at; in fact I was cruised the other day at one of them), etc.

And do what you love, even if there aren't gay-specific groups. I met several gay friends & acquaintances from ostensibly straight groups for photography, whitewater kayaking, scootering, and Irish language studies.

But you do have to be out to meet gay guys. Are you willing to be out in public groups?

 

[kramer362]

Reach out to your old friends. You say they're fine with it now? Call them up to go play football and show them you're the same person as before. Force some interaction with them. I know what you mean about mostly preferring guy friends and getting pressured to take on the roll of an accessory for girls who get off on having a gay friend: it sucks. You could kindly point that out to those girls as well.

 

[daffyd90]

Thanks to everyone who's offered advice.. and to Lube, strangely enough i've already read that blog entry lol..

I honestly would love to have some gay friends but i've been on the scene a couple of times and could only seem to find effeminate guys( i know i sound like a dick ). I have one gay friend, but he's an ex (sort of) so it's no really ok for me to see him often, not fair on my other half.

It's a fair statement to say i've given up on (some of ) my straight friends. My best friend (of 15 years) and i haven't been as close for months. The major factor in this being that his other friends and i aren't exactly the same type of people.

In terms of being out publicly, it's not that much of an issue. My family don't know, i'm waiting to move out before i say anything. Most of my friends know but there are groups that don't know because i've known some of them quite a while and it's not easy to find a gap in the conversation to just drop in the fact that i'm gay. This means i'm not as likely to introduce my friends to each other, so i just stick to groups that know and groups that don't.

 

[rareboy]

but i've been on the scene a couple of times and could only seem to find effeminate guys( i know i sound like a dick )

Oh no, you don't sound like a dick at all. Your feelings are your feelings and if you don't like femmy types then that is valid too. there are lots of guys who don't.

And as we always say, there's no rush to come out. You might miss a few opportunities to meet some guys but, whatever, You're only 19 and I wouldn't start worrying until you're 28 or 29 at least.

I guess you'll just have to be patient and let come what comes because, seriously, you're the only one who can decide what is best for you.

 

[yehme2]

Hey daffyd90, where in scotland do you live. I am based in scotland (aberdeen) and have had some of those feelings too. I messaged a female friend to arrange to meet and she was like "omg, i cant wait to have girly talks" and i was like WTF, im might be gay but im still a regular guy. I hate when people use us as accessories! arggg.... Im 20 btw ;P

 

[daffyd90]

I'll message you letting you know where i'm from i'm a bit of a freak in regards to sharing info over the internet. I was out with a friend last night and she tried to cross dress me! It was pretty funny but i did have to explain to her that i'm not a toy.

 

[spencer]

Being where gay guys are and being in the scene are two different things. I like to go to a gay coffee shop and it's not a meat market.

You'd be surprised how endearing effeminate gay men can be. It's weird to me that you can't hang out with your best friend of 15 years. Just because you're not the same type of person as his friends (what does that mean anyway). I don't think I'm the same type of person as any of my friends and I like it that way!

 

[daffyd90]

What i mean when i say that me and his friends are not the same type of people is that they only talk about "Pussy" and "Cars". The content of every conversation is related to those two things. Now car talk i don't mind, but if it's every conversation it's a bit annoying.

 

[spencer]

Well, they know you're gay so you can talk about something non-sexual right? You can actively participate in the conversation. And you can go out with your best friend just the two of you.

But it sounds like you've made your decision, you don't want your old friends, you want new ones and you're at the moment in the middle of it.

 

[daffyd90]

Thats not true at all, i do want my "old" friends. The problem is that my best friend has changed, he's become one of "the guys" and his conversation now revolves around "pussy" and "cars". We used to talk about everything, he was a bit of a science geek ( which i liked ) but he's totally different and conversation now is just forced and awkward because i'm not going to engage in the type of conversations he's having. I find describing women as "Pussy" horrible and i know he only talks like that because the other guys do.

 

[Lube]

He seems like he's not taking it well. Perhaps he's scared of his own sexuality, who knows?

It's time to move on and find new friends.

 

[Alex00]

Thats not true at all, i do want my "old" friends. The problem is that my best friend has changed, he's become one of "the guys" and his conversation now revolves around "pussy" and "cars". We used to talk about everything, he was a bit of a science geek ( which i liked ) but he's totally different and conversation now is just forced and awkward because i'm not going to engage in the type of conversations he's having.

That kind of thoughts are the ones that make you feel out of the circle. Who said you cannot be one of "the boys"? You are a boy, so I don't see the problem. Concerning to pussy, well, you should know most people are straight and you should not expect them to move into your confort zone like "Well, tell me, do you prefer being a top or a bottom?". Try to put your own conversation, and do not create fake ideas from your old friends, they are all coming from your mind. If you say they were OK with you being gay, then that's the truth.
If everything above is fruitless, then you've all changed and it's a natural thing not related to sexuality differences. Try to distinguish what is the real story. Believe me, if you are able to say " hey, I'm into this boy soo much" and tell the whole story without any problems or objection or puking, then you should keep your friends, cause they worth it. If you find their conversations shallow or dull, then just keep them in your memory and in a monthly talk.