gay vs str8 relationships

[jockboy01]

So this is kind of for those of you with more dating experience.

Over the past few months, I've been on a couple of dates with two different guys. Nothing serious at all... coffee, dinner, clubs. In one of the relationships, I totally feel like "the guy" and in the other, I feel like "the girl". I don't know that I can really explain it (I mean, we haven't slept together or anything so I can't say it is based on that).

It got to where the other day on the phone, the one guy said that he always feels like he's the girl in our relationship (so I realized it wasn't just me). He likes to cook, clean and shop and I like my sports and being outside.

I don't know if you have ever experienced this, but was just curious. And is there times when you don't have this "guy/girl" feel to things? Maybe it is just me as I haven't been dating too long. So I thought I would get some other perspectives. Thanks.

 

[windgates]

What makes you feel like the girl in the other relationship?

 

[JackFTwist]

that is an experience that I have never had - could you say more what you are experiencing - my dating "feeling" has always been like hanging out in a guy-guy thing

 

[drhladnjak]

I haven't dated all that much either (dated only 4 guys, from one date to 6 dates each), but I've never really felt like you describe. We were always just two guys dating, so I guess that makes me always feel like "the guy". I get the impression the guys I've dated have felt the same way too.

I'm not sure what to say. Maybe you're just too worried about this issue? I'd say just enjoy the date and don't worry about whose behavior fits certain gender roles. One of the best parts about being gay is that you don't have to deal so much with pigeonholing yourself into a certain gender role in a relationship.

I suppose one possibility is that you're into certain stereotypically masculine activities and prefer dating guys who have complementary interests, which would then generally be more stereotypically feminine interests. Still, I think you're focusing too much on a guy/girl divide that isn't really present. For a relationship to work, you need to have some common interests that you can enjoy together.

 

[KennyD]

Sure ... You feel like the role you accept and are in a relationship . IF you do things that are commonly masculine like opening doors, outdoors things , take the lead etc .. then you will feel more like the MAN ....
If on the ohterhand; you allow your date to make all the decesions, you do most of the dishes and cleaning ..are mostly submissave to his needs ; then it is only common that you will feel somewhat like a girl in that position ...
Just my thoughts about it all ...

 

[gewhite3]

I've had two rather lengthy relationships (last one almost 9 years and current one is 7 and counting) and have dated quite a few men in the past and I've never had any type of feeling as you describe. I am just always myself and expect the person I'm with to be the same. This is regardless of whether or not they like to cook, clean, do needlepoint, whatever. Actually I find that sometimes I like to do the cooking, and at other times, my parther does it.

I've never independently associated myself to a boy vs. girl role either. I think this is basically a stereotype that gay men have a tendency to fall into to categorize and explain things about themselves and their relationships. I wouldn't give it much thought.....just be yourself and don't put too much thought into it.

 

[jockboy01]

What makes you feel like the girl in the other relationship?

Not really sure to be honest. Perhaps it's just in the interactions. I'm the more touchy feely person in that relationship and he's much more hands off. He puts on this "I'm cool" persona where it is a bit more masculine image oriented. Whereby I just like to be myself and if people don't like it... too bad. And then of course he was insistent that he pay for drinks.... I ultimately gave in b/c it just wasn't worth the battle. In the other relationship, we tend to split drinks a bit more evenly.

Maybe you're just too worried about this issue?

Actually, I'm not really worried about it. I don't care one way or the other actually. But it's not what I expected is all and so was curious if others felt this way or not.

It's interesting to find that many of you haven't experienced this. It really isn't something that society dictated to me as I never expected it to seem this way... but it definitely does.

 

[dkonfrost]

neither of you is the guy or the girl. you're 2 men in the same equation, your behavior does not denote one being more girl or the other. domesticated maybe, but not a girl.

yes, i agree with gewhite3, just be yourself.
put it this way, i love sports (watching AND playing), go to the gym, don't mind hard physical activity, but i also enjoy cooking and am affectionate. where does that put me, you know?

no labeling, and certainly no labeling from a heterosexual standpoint either

 

[jockboy01]

I don't think it is really about labeling. Just more about how a relationship feels. I'm not about labels as you all know. Nor am I saying that one of us is a girl and the other a guy... but just that it kind of has the sense to it.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Perhaps it has less to do with "guy" and "girl" dynamics and more of "dominant" vs "submissive."

 

[jockboy01]

Perhaps it has less to do with "guy" and "girl" dynamics and more of "dominant" vs "submissive."

Perhaps.... but I've associated those terms with the bedroom scene more than anything... and we haven't been to that point yet. I guess it could be in terms outside of that as well, I guess.

 

[windgates]

Unless you were completely different with both of these guys, I can't see how you could become more masculine or more feminine, unless you were letting those relationships define you. I don't think your masculinity will change, regardless of who you are with. You are you and he is he, regardless of who "he" is.

We grow up learning how there are supposed to be gender roles in relationships; that there needs to be a "man" and a "woman". I think that many of us learn from heterosexual relationships since they are so widely seen, and we feel the need to emulate that in our own relationships.

Or maybe I'm full of shit

 

[Evsann]

I agree that the wording may be part of the problem.

Take a away the gendercentric (yay, a new word) terms for you roles in the relationship and you might find yourself less concerned with them.

Just be "you"

I am a Transexual who loves all things girly but I also play bass and love Metal. There is no conflict there. I am just being me.

You should do the same.

 

[M4P]

Perhaps it has less to do with "guy" and "girl" dynamics and more of "dominant" vs "submissive."

I think we're onto something here

In a matter of days my relationship will be ten years old. We both take on different roles that, in the straight world, could be labelled male/female. For instance: he vacuums the house and I cut the lawn, he puts up the Christmas lights and I do the laundry, I pitch and he catches... Sometimes I hold the door open for him and he does it for me

I don't think its something to get hung up on. As you date him more everything just falls into place

 

[Soilwork]

Meh.

I mean, Troy and I have a very buddy-buddy relationship.

Sure, we love each other and everything, but we both have many of the same traits and faults. We're both slobs so if we were to move in together, neither one of us would clean much (although I'd be worse than him and it would drive him nuts).

IT's quite equal, but we both bring things to the relationship that the other doesn't. I'm more of a snuggler and a nester. He's more of an outdoors guy and a social enforcer... he plans the parites, but I mix the drinks.

I'm not sure if that makes me the "girl" or if it just means that I'm the guy who makes the drinks for the guys he invites.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I think its best to drop the gender specific terminology. As homosexuals, we are the antithesis of what defines masculine and feminine roles. In the heterosexual world, generations of human civilization has stereotyped males and females into "masculine" and "feminine" roles. Agriculturally, the man plowed the fields and the woman tended to the house. Activities and behaviors have been molded by the patriarchal structure to the point where our psyche assumes gender differentiation roles.

So when you're writing this thread to us, asking if you're a "guy" or a "girl" in the relationship, you are projecting the patriarchal heterosexual image of how a couple should be: Straight.

Rather, I believe the correct terminology is "dominant" and "submissive." These two terms are the justification behind what is "masculine" and what is "feminine." Historically, Man has been stronger than the Woman, and thus, has dominated culture, relationships, and family. Therefore, "masculine" or how a "guy should behave" is an archetype of what is "dominant." Just as what is "feminine" or how a "girl should behave" is an archetype of what is "submissive."

So to answer your question, jockboy, you find yourself assuming the position of being submissive to a more dominant partner while you feel more dominant over the submissive other. In almost all relationships, these categories of "dominant" and "submissive" manifest in some way or another between couples. It's human behavior.

 

[jockboy01]

In almost all relationships, these categories of "dominant" and "submissive" manifest in some way or another between couples. It's human behavior.

But if you read the responses, it seems that it doesn't happen with almost all couples. Which I find quite interesting.

And I agree that the more I date a person, the more things will just fall into place. However, it's going to be a few months before I can date anybody on a "regular" basis. So we'll just have to wait for that.

we both have many of the same traits and faults.

Well, maybe opposites don't always attract then haha. And I bet you pour a mean drink too

 

[Something Else]

well I for one can identify with your provocative concept jockboy.



I find myself with the guy that I fell for (relationship is over) like I was more of the girl in the relationship.

I cared more about communication;
I cared more about being trusting, and being open, and being available;
I cared more about the little things that make the big picture.

Whereas, he seemed like those things weren't big concerns.

That was probably the last time I'll ever do THAT again with anyone.

But yeah, I definitely found myself thinking of past relationships (all with women) and thinking of the irony that existed.

Because they (past girlfriends) all thought I didn't communicate enough
didn't trust enough and wasn't open enough and made myself available enough.
and I didn't want to look too forward in any of the relationships beyond taking it day to day.

If that is what you meant by your provocative choice of guy or girl...

then yeah I completely understand.

I would phrase it more as the lover and the beloved though.

There's always one that cares a bit more within every relationship--typically in str8 relationships it's the woman. Sometimes it can even vacillate WITHIN the relationship--that's what happened with me, ironically, lol.

Dunno if that shed any light, hopefully it's something to consider nonetheless

 

[Riverrick]

I've never felt like I was one or the other in my relationships, neither masculine or feminine, dominant or submissive. We just did the things we were best at doing whether that might be the laundry or mowing the lawn. There was never any pattern to it.

It just felt like 2 guys living together.

I do feel that way when I go out with a female friend, however. I suddenly feel very masculine, holding doors and pulling out chairs. Its actually a strange feeling.

 

[kurtwild]

i have been only with guys and i wouldnt like to try anything else .yak
noone of us is the girl,so the otherone is the boy.
we are both guys,with dicks.
thats why being gay is so fantastic.we are the same.