General Advice Needed For Dealing With Onlookers

[inlovewithblair]

Ignore the foolish title.

Okay, so the short story is that I turned 19 a couple of months ago. And, in high school, I got in trouble because I have a big mouth and liked to start shit. But, since I've been in university, for the past one and a half years, I've decided to really keep my true friends close and just be civil and nice to everyone else.

Fast forward to me turning 19. I'm now on the gay "scene", whatever that is. I go to the gay places in town, and thankfully, I'm not brutal! Guys tend to hit on me and as expected, I'm not attracted to many of them.

Now, I don't know how to deal with guys when they come up to me and introduce themselves. It's rude to answer, "How are you?" with a big rolleyes and "Ugh", right? I mean, I hear some of the older gays talk about the young, bitchy ones, and I don't want to be that person. I was raised with some morals, values, and my mom would smack me upside my head if she found out I was rolling my eyes at guys who are simply being polite.

But, the problem is that "Hello, how are you?" turns into a conversation. Then, it turns into "What is your type? What guys do you go for?". Now, let's just say I was only into Asian men and a white guy came up to me and asked me that. I would never say, "I'm into Asians". I don't know, I just find it really rude and insulting...

So, the conversation continues and before I know it, I've given out my facebook and my phone number, and the next day, these guys are hounding my cell phone, calling and texting. Because I'm not attracted to them, I don't answer, and then I get called a 'game player', 'immature', 'leading him on'...

I just want to have a good reputation among to gays in town. I don't want people to think I'm a bitch (because I'm not), because I know how everybody in these gay areas tend to talk, especially the people who are in the clubbing scene.

So, help! Thanks!

 

[alley]

Being polite doesn't mean you have to exchange contact information. If you do--it kind of does mean you want to talk to them more.

 

[inlovewithblair]

Being polite doesn't mean you have to exchange contact information. If you do--it kind of does mean you want to talk to them more.

"What's your number, cutie?"

...

 

[CudDULL]

Sometimes being honest and straightforward can be misconceived as being a bitch or cold but I would rather tell someone upfront my preference or my intentions than lead them on.

You can easily say that you aren't interested or that you would rather stay as friends.

 

[CudDULL]

Being polite doesn't mean you have to exchange contact information. If you do--it kind of does mean you want to talk to them more.

Yea I agree, don't be so easy either haha. I would never give out contact information like that after one conversation with anyone I don't have an interest for. I don't need a stalker.

 

[TX-Beau]

Why are you giving out your number to people who you don’t want to call? It’s far more rude to give out your number then dodge the calls than it is to not give it out in the first place.

The rest is extremely simple, you just be nice, and when some guy you don’t want to go out with hits on you just say, “thanks for the compliment but I’m not interested.” Problem solved, no drama involved.

Seems to me like you should have been able to figure this our on your own. Frankly if you decide to give out your number I can see why guys would think you were interested when you’re not, and then when you dodge their calls, it follows they aren’t going to be happy about it – and it all stems from you giving out your number when you’re not interested. You see how that sends mixed signals there don’t you?

 

[inlovewithblair]

Why are you giving out your number to people who you don’t want to call? It’s far more rude to give out your number then dodge the calls than it is to not give it out in the first place.

The rest is extremely simple, you just be nice, and when some guy you don’t want to go out with hits on you just say, “thanks for the compliment but I’m not interested.” Problem solved, no drama involved.

Seems to me like you should have been able to figure this our on your own. Frankly if you decide to give out your number I can see why guys would think you were interested when you’re not, and then when you dodge their calls, it follows they aren’t going to be happy about it – and it all stems from you giving out your number when you’re not interested. You see how that sends mixed signals there don’t you?

Condescending much...

 

[TX-Beau]

Only in the afternoon.

 

[inlovewithblair]

But yes, I can clearly see how I'm sending out mixed signals. But, my heart just melts when people come up to me and hit on me, and I think about how I would feel if I got rejected from someone. Then, I'm just like, 'Alrighttt, here's my number'...

 

[TX-Beau]

But yes, I can clearly see how I'm sending out mixed signals. But, my heart just melts when people come up to me and hit on me, and I think about how I would feel if I got rejected from someone. Then, I'm just like, 'Alrighttt, here's my number'...

Well, if you're just a girl who can't say no, get used to it.

It's kinder to be honest than it is to let some guy think he has a chance when he doesn't.

 

[inlovewithblair]

Well, if you're just a girl who can't say no, get used to it.

It's kinder to be honest than it is to let some guy think he has a chance when he doesn't.

LOL. Praise Jesus.

I might put that in my facebook status, haha.

 

[CudDULL]

LOL. Praise Jesus.

I might put that in my facebook status, haha.

lol

p.s. its thundering and lightening flashing D:

 

[TX-Beau]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VprmD6oXpFQ[/ame]

 

[rareboy]

Apparently, this is one of those times when telling you to just be yourself might not be the most appropriate advice since you seem to be liberal with giving out info to people you don't have any interest in.

And that is the problem with the entire 'I've got to know everything about everyone' age. If you don't want to give out information, don't reveal it. If someone asks you for it, just say that you don't have a facespacepagebook profile and then make sure you don't.

Don't give out your email or phone number. To anyone. Just tell the interested guys that your entire life isn't on display but if you're interested in them, tell them you'd like to meet up again sometime.

See how easy it is?

I don't give anyone my cell number. I tell everyone I only use my phone for outcalls. Period. And it is true. If they want to give your theirs, fine.

I don't give out email. Except to very close associates, clients and family. Period.

I don't feel the need to pull my pants down and have a Facebook page. I have no idea why so many do given the quality of information posted.

Try and be a 3D realtime person.

If people think you're a bitch because of it, fuck 'em.

But who knows, you might start a trend in the clubs.

 

[Seasoned]

Consider yourself fortunate that you have the looks or give off the vibe so people want to get to know you.

It seems you also have a strong sensibility about not hurting people, at least not to their face.

Find some tactic that will give them a bit of time when they approach you, but at the same time letting them know you have too much going on to maintain the cyber friendships you already have.

 

[Telstra]

don't know what the problem is.
If you don't give your contacts easily, you won't be contacted.

 

[G-Lexington]

I've found this a fairly easy thing to take care of. (And yes, people DO come and introduce themselves to me.)

When they introduce themselves, if it's IMMEDIATELY plain that I am NOT going to be interested*, I respond to an introduction with "Hey there." Without giving my name. That immediately shows I'm not very interested. They usually do ask my name afterwards, and I'll tell them, but already, they're usually getting the hint that this isn't going to go well.

If someone asks "what kind of guys do you go for", I tell them the truth. "I don't go for any one sort of guys. I take my time, get to know the guy, see if we click. If we do, then things can go forward. If not, well, they don't." This immediately bores anybody looking for a quick fuck, and they usually thank me for my time and look elsewhere. If they stick around and talk more, then I go ahead and give them the chance to click.

Lex

*- this is very rare. They have to say something really offputting like "Bet you've been waiting for me to come over, huh?" or I've had to see them already getting two blowjobs in the bathroom.

 

[bankside]

There are two issues:
First of all, how would you react if it was someone you found attractive? I must admit, I might be attracted to someone until he came up with a line as clumsy and obvious (and cowardly) as "So what is your type?"

Anyway, assuming we got past that stage, if it was someone I was attracted to, I would have a fascinating conversation with him, perhaps dance or join in a game of pool, and that would have been the end of the evening. I would look forward to seeing him again at the same place or some other place, maybe the next weekend. Maybe a mutual friend had introduced us etc.

But the bottom line is it doesn't make sense to me to give out my contact info to someone who is, except for one conversation, a stranger...

...unless you're okay with "the hook-up." Other people are more adventurous than me. If you would give out your number and/or make plans and/or hump the leg of the attractive man, then you are spending the evening at what is known as a "meat market." In a meat market, the rules are different.

At a meat market, you can say "Sorry, but I'm not interested. Thanks for saying hi though." You can just get to the point. It's not like he really has invested his life's emotions in this one moment. If he has, he needs to get out more. These places are about efficiency and about people getting what they want, so being brief is just fine.

If you want to be really polite, you can say "Actually I'm not interested in being with anyone at the moment." In your head of course that's "at the moment....with you standing here directly in front of me, looking like you do, dressing as you do, babbling on about Star Trek Deep Space Nine as you are." It allows you to be just this side of honest, get the point across, and give him an option to believe you if his ego can't handle getting rejected by a stranger.

If you are not at a meat market, you'll be getting to know many people gradually, probably through friends. You might have attractions that you wish to foster over time. You might make an effort to ensure that a spark has a chance to flare. But you will be getting to know people in a context where feelings either grow or don't grow and people can usually figure that out. Important principle: It isn't leading people on to get to know them. And if your feelings just aren't deeper than friendship, that's okay.

 

[spencer]

Do the rest of us a favor and don't your number to people you don't plan on contacting again. It may make you feel guilty cause you think you're hurting them for rejecting them, but rejection after you've gotten a number is far far worse.

First thing you should say is, I'm not looking to hook up with anyone and you're not really looking and that you're in a complicated time in your life or you're focusing on school. If your reasoning is some higher thought out form of reasoning it doesn't sound so high and mighty.

Next, if you do talk to them, tell them you're only looking for friends right now and that if they want to contact you, it would be as such.

It's great that you're trying to be nice. You are a gem, it's so hard to come by.

 

[Lube]

^ What he said.

Whether you realize it or not, by giving them your information you are not making them feel better. You are simply delaying the pain.

And by not answering the phone, you are playing avoidance.

Neither of these actions solve the problem. They merely (temporarily, and with bad long-term consequences) assuage your guilt over turning someone down.

The solution? Turn 'em down right away.

It'll be hard at first, but then you won't be sick to your stomach avoiding all those inevitable calls and txts!