Getting back into things.

[hackingnomberr]

Okay so I made a previous post on this, but it doesn't really matter whether or not you read it, so here's a really quick summary of the whole thing...

So I'm not out and I met this guy online (never met up, but you get it), and we began to talk a lot like texting all day and having video chats. I kinda got attached since he's the first person I've actually considered a friend that knew about my sexuality. So anyway we were totally cool and talking a lot for the first two weeks after iming him in some shitty gay chat room.

Eventually he kinda stopped replying to my texts and he stopped really trying to talk to me. So I felt ridiculously confused and shitty for a while and was trying to figure out what his problem with me was. Two days after we had stopped talking he started dating another guy which is whatever because we're not at the same place in our lives nor do we live really close to each other or have ever met each other regardless. Anyway, so a good week goes on of me trying to figure out why he stopped talking to me, because that totally wasn't the reason and I don't ever get to like belt out the conversation with him because I'm not getting the time of day.

So anyway, like two nights ago he gets on and apologizes for not talking to me and starts talking about how the guy ripped his heart out or some shit. So now you can talk to me?! He did seem pretty apologetic about not talking to me and he had "reasons" moreso excuses as to why he wouldn't reply to messages and stuff, but I'm not sure if I should take his renewed want for my friendship to heart. Like I'm not sure if him being heartbroken is just him coming crawling back or some BS, because I'm not about to go through another one-sided friendship.

Should I take his apologies to heart and try to be his friend again?
Should I ease myself into the friendship again but totally avoid getting as clingy?
Or should I just drop him and not give him a second chance, because he's bullshitting me?

 

[rareboy]

Stop wasting your time on the interweb. with him or anyone else you want to have a relationship with.

Go outside. Into the fresh air. find real guys and make friends face to face.

Oh. and tell this guy to go fuck himself.

 

[NineOfClubs]

Oh. and tell this guy to go fuck himself.

I agree. He's some kind of sick "serial monogamist". You don't need him.

But I agree with rareboy, meeting guys on line is no way to meet guys....

 

[KaraBulut]

So anyway, like two nights ago he gets on and apologizes for not talking to me and starts talking about how the guy ripped his heart out or some shit. So now you can talk to me?! He did seem pretty apologetic about not talking to me and he had "reasons" moreso excuses as to why he wouldn't reply to messages and stuff, but I'm not sure if I should take his renewed want for my friendship to heart. Like I'm not sure if him being heartbroken is just him coming crawling back or some BS, because I'm not about to go through another one-sided friendship.

Should I take his apologies to heart and try to be his friend again?
Should I ease myself into the friendship again but totally avoid getting as clingy?
Or should I just drop him and not give him a second chance, because he's bullshitting me?

An apology is an apology. Accept the apology. Move on.

What's confusing here is the term "friendship"? What do you consider a friendship?
If this guy is really just a friend, then yes, you should resume the friendship but you need to be honest with this guy about how his past behavior made you feel. And make it clear that this will never happen again.
But it sounds like there's a little confusion here. This sounds more like friends/online boyfriends which is this weird status where two people live in different places on the planet yet maintain a "relationship" on the internet.

What this comes down to is you have the control over whether you are "sloppy seconds". This guy was your friend, then he chose another person over you. Then he came crawling back when it didn't work. You should accept his apology and forgive him for your own peace of mind.

But whether you return to being friends needs to be based upon whether this will happen again. You have control over that ultimately and if you return to being friends, it needs to be on your terms and with a zero tolerance policy.

 

[G-Lexington]

When you enter a relationship, you tend to have less time for your friends, real and otherwise. But he should've let you know "I found this great guy, and I've been really busy with him." The fact that he didn't indicates that your feelings aren't apparently that important to him. Feel free to resume your online friendship, but do it with that fact in mind.

Lex

 

[hackingnomberr]

Okay so I'll clarify a bit more, we live roughly an hour or an hour and a half away from each other, so it's not like we're THAT distant. And I'm not out yet and I don't have any plans for coming out in the near future, so online is really my only way of putting myself out there I guess.

Also, I didn't really feel chosen over, because had I been in his position I'd have done the same.~

Thanks for everything guys. :]

 

[rareboy]

And I'm not out yet and I don't have any plans for coming out in the near future, so online is really my only way of putting myself out there I guess.

Don't be absurd.

If you aren't going to risk anything, then no amount of magical thinking is going to land you the guy of your dreams.

I repeat. Stop living vicariously. Start living in real time. You only get so many days on earth.

For the love of Pete, don't piss them away.

 

[KaraBulut]

I don't have any plans for coming out in the near future, so online is really my only way of putting myself out there I guess.

You're selling yourself short. And you are short-changing yourself on relationships.

There's no reason why a closeted bisexual can't have gay friends.

And there's no reason why you can't have physical, in-person, hotsweatysex relationships with other guys.

Get out there and explore.

Find other guys like you.

Find yourself- unless this last one is really the issue?

 

[hackingnomberr]

Totally trying to like push me out of the closet haha.
Sorry if my lack of being out offends or something, but I'm just not ready yet...

 

[KaraBulut]

You're not understanding what we're saying or maybe it's a difference between what you are defining as "out of the closet".

For every out and proud, rainbow flag waving, HRC bumper sticker using, gay ghetto residing gay man, there are probably a dozen gay/bi guys who aren't ready for that kind of public exposition of their sexual orientation.

You can be closeted but not uptight or ashamed of who you are. You can have a social life and spend time with people who will accept you just as you are.

Seriously. All you gotta do is open the door to the closet. They'll meet you at the door. You can come out of the closet later. We'll save you a "I'm not gay but my boyfriend is" Tshirt (just let us know your size).

 

[fetaby]

Okay so I'll clarify a bit more, we live roughly an hour or an hour and a half away from each other, so it's not like we're THAT distant. And I'm not out yet and I don't have any plans for coming out in the near future, so online is really my only way of putting myself out there I guess.

Also, I didn't really feel chosen over, because had I been in his position I'd have done the same.~
Thanks for everything guys. :]

He could live next door that's not what's important here. The fact that he completely dropped you as friend/potential/online boyfriend whatever the moment his interest was sparked elsewhere. Would you do that to a friend?

I whole heartedly believe that you could go to a gay themed place (bar, bookstore, cafe) and not have anyone track you back to your comfort zone.

 

[hackingnomberr]

Well no like he had been slowly not talking to me prior to meeting this guy then it was a ceasefire after, so I'm not really sure if this guy is much of the reason why we stopped talking, but regardless he definitely had something to do with it and I agree it's fucked up.

I guess that's true, I can go to these places, but I don't really see a point like I'm not the kind of person that just goes some place and instantly meets people.~

 

[spencer]

I don't understand why he still couldn't be your friend even if he because boyfriends with the other dude. I don't understand either how you would not be this guys friend even if you were to meet someone and go out with him.

I hate fairweather friends or is it bad weither friends? Eitherway, you guys sound perfect for each other as friends. When either one of you meets someone, you'll drop each other instantly.

 

[hackingnomberr]

Spencer, when did I ever insinuate that I'd drop him as a friend?
Sure I said had I found someone in my area that's at the same point in my life, I'd date them over dating someone that's an hour away, but I wouldn't have stopped talking to him.

Thanks for blindly insulting me though.

 

[spencer]

No you didn't insinuate you'd drop him as a friend, you said it flat out. "Had I been in his position I'd have done the same." when he dropped you as a friend and you even defended his actions.

I don't think people should do that, but they do. I don't.

 

[fetaby]

^ Damn, I typed the same thing and edited out as this is a no flame zone.

 

[rareboy]

I'm just not thinking that you are a very quick study here....

I guess that's true, I can go to these places, but I don't really see a point like I'm not the kind of person that just goes some place and instantly meets people.~

If you never go anywhere, you'll never meet anyone. You'll just continue to be a socially retarded person living in front of your computer screen.

It isn't always about meeting someone instantly. It can be about just meeting people, creating a network of acquaintances and new friends.

And you don't have to walk into a room and scream 'I'm Here, I'm Queer'...you can actually be more subtle in some settings.

Now. Get on with it.

 

[KaraBulut]

=hackingnomberrI guess that's true, I can go to these places, but I don't really see a point like I'm not the kind of person that just goes some place and instantly meets people.~

Again- you're selling you capabilities short.

There are people who have a gift for gab. They can walk up to anyone and start a conversation- as if they have known the person for years.

The rest of us had to learn it. And the way to learn is to meet people, engage with them and express an interest in their life.

If you don't have gay friends, you're missing out of some of life's greatest things- the gift of friendship and the laughter that comes with.

 

[hackingnomberr]

No you didn't insinuate you'd drop him as a friend, you said it flat out. "Had I been in his position I'd have done the same." when he dropped you as a friend and you even defended his actions.

I don't think people should do that, but they do. I don't.

I wasn't defending his dropping me as a friend! I was defending him going out with that guy in general, even though we had talked about meeting up and stuff, like we weren't exclusive or some shit. Total miscommunication. =P

kara/rare~ Okay so like I can talk to people really easily, but I'm not one to engage in conversations, I agree though I can get out and try to meet other people, I'll definitely do it eventually I had thought about it before but never really fathomed doing anything about it, thanks guys.~

 

[fetaby]

I wasn't defending his dropping me as a friend! I was defending him going out with that guy in general, even though we had talked about meeting up and stuff, like we weren't exclusive or some shit. Total miscommunication. =P

kara/rare~ Okay so like I can talk to people really easily, but I'm not one to engage in conversations, I agree though I can get out and try to meet other people, I'll definitely do it eventually I had thought about it before but never really fathomed doing anything about it, thanks guys.~

You've received great advice here. I really hope it helps. But as for this friend, I think you want him to like you like he liked that other guy. Is that what you want?
Cause if you just want him as a friend know that he will come and go depending on the weather, and if you can handle that all the better.

I feel you are deluding yourself as to what you really want. No shame in that, it's part of our makeup as moral creatures to deny ourselves and then feel quilty if we give in to our desires. I don't want that for you, but it seems to me that's where your at. Whatever you decide to do, be it pursue your friend or go out and make new friends, just be carefull and safe. Oh to be in California, with absolutely anything you want a short drive away. I'm jealous.