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Getting back to dating...HELP!

DigitalAstoria

DigitalAstoria

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So it's been a very long time since I've been in a serious relationship (8 years) and i'm looking to get back into the dating pool. I've been working on a lot of issues that I have over the last few years and finally feel confident and ready to head out there.

My problem is that I'm being criticized by friends for several preferences that I have. Personally, *I* don't think they're too restrictive but, apparently, other people do.

1) No drugs/smoking: I'm just not a fan. I don't like the smell of smoke nor the taste of it.

2) No cats. I'm HIGHLY allergic to them and, obviously, the guy would have fur on his clothes. Plus, I wouldn't be able to go to his place...ever. AND, if we were lucky enough to have it progress, I wouldn't want him to have to give up the cat if we were to move in together.
Plus I fucking hate cats. :)

3)I'm a total bottom. I really don't like topping. It doesn't turn me on. In fact, I'll typically get soft if I have to do it. I don't really "wish" i were vers to make things easier. It just seems that most "total top" don't want to date- they just want to fuck around.

So that's the scoop. I'm trying to do the "online thing" because I don't drink and I'm not really a bar person. I don't really know where else to meet people.

I have a crappy work schedule that has me up very early in the morning but I'm also out of work by 11am or noon at the very, very latest. But I also typically go to bed by 9pm on the weekdays.

Any advice? Do you think I'm being too restrictive?
 
If your avatar is a picture of you, you're HOT!!! I would ask you out if I live in your city ;-)

You should live an authentic self to be happy in the long run. The 3 items listed are not unreasonable at all. I would state 1 & 3 on your online dating profile. "no drugs/smoking, a total bottom." Don't list item 2. The reason is: you need to practice dating again. So you want to meet more people. You may not hit if off with most of them, but each missed encounter is lesson learned to help you get better at dating. When you do find someone who truly loves you, maybe he'll give up the cat for you...knowing your allergy to cat is not something you can control. It is a health issue. Do list on your profile things that you want to do for fun (like your hobbies).

I don't understand why your friends find these 3 items are deal breakers.

As for your work schedule...it's not a big deal. You can still date in the evening before 9pm during weeknights. Plus you have the whole weekend to play. I plan most of my dates on weekends.

Be positive, confident and HAVE FUN dating again!
 
I don't see those as issues at all especially living in a city to find a non-smoker who tops and doesn't have a cat

I'd assume you are a postman from your stated hours.
 
None of those seem unreasonable at all. I think I'd chalk this up to your friends wanting you to get out there and seeing these restrictions as excuses.
 
techie70 said:
None of those seem unreasonable at all. I think I'd chalk this up to your friends wanting you to get out there and seeing these restrictions as excuses.
Click to expand...

I wish they cared that much about me. Unfortunately, they don't.

A couple of them constantly argue with me about the "bottom" issue. They don't understand why I wouldn't date someone who was also a bottom or was versatile. They feel that if I love someone, I should try it.

Personally, I'd rather put it out there first before I even enter the dating game.

I have absolutely no problems going out on dates with guys that adhere to this. I'm not avoiding it.

Unfortunately, they just don't seem to be out there. My therapist asked me to join OKcupid because his patients seem to have a lot of success on it. So i did.

Well, I can't tell you how many guys have come back and said "damn, you're really really cute but I'm a bottom as well. Good luck." :( It seems like everyone out there is a bottom.
 
That seems really odd for friends - maybe you need to find some new friends in addition to a boyfriend?

Most people I know have a preference for who they date long term. I hear more of total tops than total bottoms to be honest so am really surprised. How long have you been on the dating site?
 
techie70 said:
That seems really odd for friends - maybe you need to find some new friends in addition to a boyfriend?

Most people I know have a preference for who they date long term. I hear more of total tops than total bottoms to be honest so am really surprised. How long have you been on the dating site?
Click to expand...

I've been on for about a month. But it's not just my experience here. It's the same on every website I go to, pretty much. NYC is the land of the "total bottom" i guess.

And, yes, you are correct on the first part. ;)
 
It makes sense to me that there would be more total bottoms than total tops. You might want to switch your description to something like anal bottom, versatile at oral. Slamming the door is ok for hooking up. A relationship usually means greater trust and greater intimacy.
 
You're doing absolutely nothing wrong if it has only been a month. That's barely enough time to say hello to people never mind pick one you really want to get to know.

For your three criteria, the first one (no smoking) is the same as mine.

The second one (no cats) is a preference but not a dealbreaker (I'm a dog person but I don't mind cats. An allergy makes it totally understandable.)

The third one would be a dealbreaker for me, because I'm 100% versatile, and I could not be with someone who is 0% versatile.

Give it a few months. You'll find people. :)
 
soreknees said:
It makes sense to me that there would be more total bottoms than total tops. You might want to switch your description to something like anal bottom, versatile at oral. Slamming the door is ok for hooking up. A relationship usually means greater trust and greater intimacy.
Click to expand...

What the hell does "versatile at oral" mean?
 
emmm....try viagra??? (seriously i find it very difficult to understand total bottoms, but good luck to ya).

Anyway from some of your posts it seems like you are making excuses and expecting failure (I'm not a bar person... I go to bed early... etc etc) Why not focus on positive aspects about yourself that might attract another guy? What kind of things are you interested in? What non-sexual activities might you do with a partner? Why not considering making compromises and going to bars occasionally with some of your friends, or staying up a bit later once in a while?
 
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