Getting burnt - it hurts!

[SilverRRCloud]

And I guess I'd like to know if any other guys have opened themselves up completely and just been burnt for it? It hurts. I don't know if ever I'll get over this 100%! And I don't know if I can expose my true feelings for another person in fear of this happening to me again.

Yup. Rest assured, the same thing has happened to many others and actually, much worse things have happened to my friends and to me, too. I am not sure, this will make you feel any better, but for the sake of truth, I had to say that.

First, you want to acquire as much 'emotional intelligence' as you can. You want to learn how to see the world through the eyes of people around you. First and foremost, through the eyes of your parnter, bf, friend, etc.. Possibly the greatest secret to success in human relationship is being able to ask and satisfactorily answer one important question: What is it in for him? Why should he be doing, that what he is doing now?

Second, human relationships start and may as well end at some point of time. People get married, bring children to the world, buy a house and couple of cars, etc., only to get divorced a year or so later and go through all that nasty stuff...
Thus, no one owns anyone. Whenever you choose to open up, develop a friendship, or a love relationship with anyone, keep in mind that you do not own that person. You got together and you may get apart. Neither he nor you are obliged to stay in that relationship till the end of your days.

Third, you are talking here your life. You are in your early 20's and you have got your life ahead of you. You are calling the shots. So, what is it that you are going to do, in order to get going, leave your little homophobic town behind you and move on into the big, wide world? Got a very good plan? Not just a hope?

Finally, you say,

The one and only person I completley opened myself up to was the one who shut me out with the click of his fingers. We are still in contact, but it's only beacause he knows it would be a low act of him to forget about me here - he knows what it's like being a small place - and after everything we shared, it would be criminal for him to shut me off altogether.

So, if he chose to shut you off completely, would you go and file criminal charges against him? Guess not?

Do not hang on to your past. (You must have heard that one b4?) Let your ex-dude enjoy his BF, their happiness and all. You have got your life ahead of you and you have got to get going, where you want to be. You want to start taking actions and providing for your future.

So, get going and never look back.

SC

 

[spreadeagle]

You must have seen 'Muriel's Wedding' and 'The Sum of Us' - what is it that prevents you relocating to the city - or are you planning to spend your life in Porpoise Spit?

 

[HighParkLover]

You are still young and YES you will get pass this.... It may take some time but it will pass and you will eventually meet the man of your dreams.

Dont rush it.... Enjoy who you are and love yourself 100% first because you wont be able to love anyone else if you dont love who you are and are true to yourself.

Good Luck with everything and just enjoy life!

 

[spreadeagle]

That sounds exciting ausboy.

I can imagine that seeing your ex with someone else will be disconcerting and painful. But the possibility of rejection is something that everyone has to face, regardless of their sexual orientation, if they want to meet new people. The important thing to remember is that rejection doesn't mean anything bad about you.

 

[conrad]

Having read all the posts thus far, I"m more convinced that even when the sex is "great', relationshiips which start with that as the most pressing first goal are not as likely to endure as those which concentrate on person-to-person friendship.

Friendship means that we are out to do what's good for the other and the greatest need is usually not a quick "romp in the hay". It takes a degree of self- confidence that we simply don't/didn't have at your age; that takes time.

You want to reach the point when everything about you declares that you are comfortable in your own skin, that you are glad to be you. In friendship each party must know that one's friend is just as glad about himself.

To know that you are loved makes it possible to assure the friend that he is also loved. Friends and lovers don't "use" each other. The sexual union at its best is the ultimate expression of the love that has grown from first meeting.

I know that men are capable of this depth of love and I feel sadness for those who are willing to settle for less. Keeping one's values clear, I believe, has the happy effect of enhancing all one's values.

Ausboy, for what it's worth, I tell you that I grew up in a very small town (less than 2,000); went to school with young fellow who was the kind of friend I wish for you; he taught me and I taught him; I might have settled down "til death do us part' had not distance intervened. We are both happily married; still soul mates over many years who would be candidates to "grow old together" if that
opening should ever happen. We are both deeply closeted but when we are together we can both delight in that side of our sexual urges. (No, we don"t now ever "go all the way." We are living proof that liberal can be honest, restrained when that is the wise course, and also always faithful.)

Back in the high school days I was convinced that the gay way was the only way for me; my friend felt the same. But, amazingly, we both met for ourselves the girl who became the person to spend the rest of life with--"forsaking all others". In all honesty, I don't know whether the capacity to love another human being,
first a man and then a woman, is a matter of opportunity or something deeper.

Humility requires that I never suggest to anyone that my experience is possible or desirable for others. So, take it for what it is worth.

The great thing about JUB is this wonderful and inexplicable variety we find among us. And, I say, let's never stop celebrating it.

Peace!

 

[oz_doc]

I moved from melbourne to tasmania, now that was a regressive move if ever there was one, luckily i was out and comfortable with myslef before i moved here.

Honestly i feel for you, being burnt sucks but it also helps build us up and strengthen us emotionally to do it better next time. I hope this move goes well for you nad brings lots of good experiences, and chin up for the inevitable elt downs were here for you whenever. Im a big beleiver in time and new experiences helaing a lot of things, hopefully being exposed to whole new world of social experiences in sydney helps you move on from where you are at. But pls dont get swept up too fast in the pace of sydney, stay safe

 

[tonysw]

Hey Ausboy!! All good advice, the above. Esp. the bit about not getting swept up in the Sydney gay scene and staying safe.

Do U have relatives, friends or contacts in Sydney?? There are a few Sydney-siders here on JUB, maybe some of them could be part of a support network for u. Its hard being young & moving to a new place.

PM me if u want. Always happy to listen, talk and advise as requested. I am older, and not looking to seduce a young lad, attractive as that may sound.

All the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[rareboy]

To begin with, backing up 9 months, I don't think you were burnt at all.

You've just had an experience where your contact decided that you were more friend material than hot monkey sex passion material.

You've manged to analyze why he chose someone richer, better looking and apparently less anxious about himself. I suspect that the last quality had more to do with his choice than anything else.

Guys tend to forget that when they're out fishin' that some will get thrown back and others will get eaten.

Get over him by making contact with other guys.

 

[spreadeagle]

Yes - it will go away and probably quite soon.

Being different in a small town induces habits of reticence and continual self-monitoring that are counter-productive to the qualities of openess and trust needed to sustain an intimate relationship.

You're going to be in a lively modern city with plenty of opportunity to meet exciting friends and do fabulous things. You can transform yourself and shape the sort of life you want - and you're not yet 25 (the most perfect time of any young man's life).

 

[rareboy]

Having your feelings hurt or feeling rejected isn't the same as being burnt, which implies that someone screwed you over.

 

[rareboy]

Perhaps he found you too complicated and not at ease with yourself. Maybe you just came off as too needy or possessive or had expectaions that were just too high. He did nothing wrong.

Still the same advice, get out and meet other guys. Stop obsessing over him.