Getting impatient with boyfriend...

[MMMonsterBoy]

I'll start by making it easier by you all the basics:

Me: 20
Him: 19
Me: Attending university
Him: Community college + working
Distance between us: An hour and some change
Relationship length: 7 months and some change

My boyfriend appears to be frustrated by the distance between us, while I am frustrated with his lack of effort to make up for the distance between us. He says we're too far away, I say we're really not that far. In fact, we have it easier compared to legit long distance relationships. We do not have the ability to see each other everyday, but I've given him the solution of seeing each other at least every weekend. All I need to know from him is his work schedule, so I can plan whether or not to come. But he never does, and I figured if he can't remember then he must not want to see me. He also says he doesn't feel like we are really dating, due to the distance.

Which ties into my issue with his lack of effort. I get that he is busy, so I try to be lenient. I don't expect him to call me as much as he used to, but the fact is we hardly communicate via phone or video chat anymore. He knows I want to, but he never does. I figure he is tired or something, but that isn't always the case. I am involved in school activities, I am living with my distracting best friends, and I am studying for the most part....Yet when I want to talk to him I find the time to. It frustrates me how he is bothered by the distance, but won't do anything in the meantime to make up for it.

So I've thought about telling him that maybe he is too busy for a long term relationship, and that we want different things. I want a boyfriend who is willing to put forth the effort, and he wants a boyfriend who is closer. I feel like we're both being cheated out of what we deserve. At the same time, I really don't want to end things with him. I hope that isn't the case, but it looks inevitable at this point...

Insight would be helpful

 

[Seasoned]

As someone who was in a long distance relationship for 16 of the 28 years we've been together I can tell you that the bitching is normal but the lack of accommodation is not. You two seem too young to be relegated to every other weekend. Don't you think you should be having fun with your partner more often than that?

Without a timeline as to when this distance between you will end it doesn't seem likely you'll both be getting your needs and wants met.

Wishing you the best.

 

[ben9651]

meeting only on weekends is not good.
maybe he just wants to break up but he doesn`t wanna be straight forward about it so he keeps complaining about you two being too far apart.
don`t know,this is what i got from what you said.
Goodluck!

 

[altlover85]

I would let him know how you feel and see what he has to say. I don't think it's looking good, but perhaps if you can let him know how you feel as opposed to talking about what he's not doing, he might be a little more open to conversation.

I totally understand that what I said is easier said than done, but it's worth a try.

 

[uslad7]

I agree with altlover85 and Seasoned; I'll add onto it a bit.

I believe that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be and distance shouldn't be a varying factor in breaking up, although he does have to step it up and compromise. You should talk to him and tell him how you feel in a non-confrontational way; in other words, don't play the blame game.

Tell him you want to talk to him more than what you're talking now. Gauge his response and then you know whether it's worth pursuing it further or if it's best to just end it there.

We sometimes have to wait for the better things in life, relationships included. It may suck for now, but it's temporary. Time will bring you together. Patience.

 

[mbamike]

It sounds to me that your BF is wanting to set you free and move on with his life, but you are not getting his hints. It is time that you move on too.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, that sounds like he's making excuses for wanting out without having to say so.

You haven't been going out for all that long and really, there aren't very many guys your age who are really thinking in the long term.

A lot of times really young guys like the idea of long term as a kind if ideal, but aren't prepared or all that capable of the sacrifices and work long term entails.

You're both young, tell him you don't think that the distance is working out for either of you, but it's fine if he wants to come see you if he has the time.

Then let it rest. If he's at all interested he'll make the time, if he won't, he won't - and you have your solution.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Thank you for the responses everyone. All helpful!

As someone who was in a long distance relationship for 16 of the 28 years we've been together I can tell you that the bitching is normal but the lack of accommodation is not. You two seem too young to be relegated to every other weekend. Don't you think you should be having fun with your partner more often than that?

Without a timeline as to when this distance between you will end it doesn't seem likely you'll both be getting your needs and wants met.

Wishing you the best.

Yes, as the distance bothers me as well. The thing is I am willing to do more to solve it, such as a phone call here or there. Whereas I feel he just might be too busy or too apathetic.

Hmm, well it is nearly impossible for us to get together on the weekdays. I have classes and meetings. He has work and classes too. So every weekend seems like the most realistic solution.

For the 16 years long distance duration of your relationship, what did you two do? I know some people can see each other everyday, and then drive back, but what if I don't have the tools to do so?

Our LD endpoint will be when/if he transfers to my university.

meeting only on weekends is not good.
maybe he just wants to break up but he doesn`t wanna be straight forward about it so he keeps complaining about you two being too far apart.
don`t know,this is what i got from what you said.
Goodluck!

Well this is what I assumed too. But I've hinted towards breaking up and he doesn't seem to want that. Though he still makes comments that includes me in his future.

I would let him know how you feel and see what he has to say. I don't think it's looking good, but perhaps if you can let him know how you feel as opposed to talking about what he's not doing, he might be a little more open to conversation.

I totally understand that what I said is easier said than done, but it's worth a try.

See I have done this (should have mentioned that in the OP). I've told him his lack of effort bothers me, without sounding accusatory (it was more well phrased than what I just stated hehe). Then he accused me of not putting in any effort. We've since worked that out...and admittedly there has been some improvement. So I can't knock him down entirely. My thing is just why complain about the distance, yet ignore the tools we do have to make it work in the meanwhile?

I agree with altlover85 and Seasoned; I'll add onto it a bit.

I believe that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be and distance shouldn't be a varying factor in breaking up, although he does have to step it up and compromise. You should talk to him and tell him how you feel in a non-confrontational way; in other words, don't play the blame game.

Tell him you want to talk to him more than what you're talking now. Gauge his response and then you know whether it's worth pursuing it further or if it's best to just end it there.

We sometimes have to wait for the better things in life, relationships included. It may suck for now, but it's temporary. Time will bring you together. Patience.

But I have told him and it seems to in one ear and out the other :/ I try to be understanding in knowing that he works a lot, and then has homework to do. So I figure he is doing one or the other, or maybe hanging out with his own friends. Though it would be nice to know that he is busy instead of me having to assume. He used to work two jobs, basically, and went to college yet I never felt we didn't enough..

It sounds to me that your BF is wanting to set you free and move on with his life, but you are not getting his hints. It is time that you move on too.

This may or may not be true. Though like I said above, he has included me in his future plans. It is not entirely one sided, though he could be afraid to go through with a break up.

-----------

Do I need to be more understanding of my boyfriend? Maybe he has too much going on in his life, and he doesn't know how to handle it? He knows how I feel, and he knows what I want to do about it. He is making slight effort, which I can appreciate...but I feel like he doesn't know how to communicate over long distance.

Any good tips for a quasi-long distance?

 

[Lefty]

You are both too young and have too much in front of you for this.

Obvious to us but not you...he is more interested in what is convenient

and available. Wants his cake and eat it too. Do you think if your

'schedule got extra busy and he would need to invest the hour and

change more, that he would change......

Litmus test. A 3 month apart separation, no rules, no restrictions,

see others...do what you want...see how real you both feel...

Then take the relationship final and see who (if anybody) passes the test.

Not being cold...just been there as a 10+ year commuter. (the skies are not

always friendly.

 

[TX-Beau]

Ok you need to stop taking responsibility for him. if you've truly done your best to resolve the situation the problem ISN'T something you're doing or not doing.

I realize it's difficult to be objective about your boyfriend but what he's saying and what he's doing are not in synch, and when that happens what he's doing is always the one that's true.

If he won't make an effort to see you - and this is hard - then it's because he's not invested in you.

 

[Lefty]

well yeah TX...

I was trying to say it nicely

but

It Is What It Is.

 

[TX-Beau]

?

You think that's not nice? It's direct, but come on, it's not exactly insulting either.

Ah the internets, impossible to determine tone.

 

[uslad7]

Don't jump the gun. It sounds like you like him a lot.

Talk to him again and tell him what's going on and how you'd like to talk to him more life before.

See what he says and go from there. If he isn't willing to compromise, it'll be hard, but it's best to just end it.

 

[Lefty]

Oh fudge TX...........

Put that nerve away.

I did not say you were

rude or insulting. If you

reread my last line, it not

only agreed, it endorsed

your 'no frills' response...

Are we okay on this?

 

[DarkHelios]

Maybe the two of you just have different expectations.

I'd be okay with only seeing a guy once a week even if he only lived 15 minutes away (though that might be because I tend to be very busy).

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh fudge TX...........

Put that nerve away.

I did not say you were

rude or insulting. If you

reread my last line, it not

only agreed, it endorsed

your 'no frills' response...

Are we okay on this?

And there we go again.

I'm not in the slightest upset, I was just surprised and evidently misunderstood you.

...Now back to your regularly scheduled issue...

 

[Rolyo85]

He doesn't sound invested enough in the relationship. It's all been said above, so I'll just repeat it - if one needs to make an effort to see someone they care about or simply to communicate with them, one just does it. Like TX-Beau said, it's always the actions that should be taken into account.

My guess would be he is not as interested as he once was, and he might feel bad or conflicted about it, so he is kind of trying to get rid of the relationship, but isn't yet at the stage where he could admit it if confronted about it.

So just talk some more, feel the water, and if you sense something to that effect, just confront him again. Not aggressively, just firmly.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

You are both too young and have too much in front of you for this.

Obvious to us but not you...he is more interested in what is convenient

and available. Wants his cake and eat it too. Do you think if your

'schedule got extra busy and he would need to invest the hour and

change more, that he would change......

Litmus test. A 3 month apart separation, no rules, no restrictions,

see others...do what you want...see how real you both feel...

Then take the relationship final and see who (if anybody) passes the test.

Not being cold...just been there as a 10+ year commuter. (the skies are not

always friendly.

Hmm, well I like the perspective you put it in. I can agree with all of it.

Your test seems like a plausible idea, but I don't think he'd go with it. How exactly would one pass this test?

Ok you need to stop taking responsibility for him. if you've truly done your best to resolve the situation the problem ISN'T something you're doing or not doing.

I realize it's difficult to be objective about your boyfriend but what he's saying and what he's doing are not in synch, and when that happens what he's doing is always the one that's true.

If he won't make an effort to see you - and this is hard - then it's because he's not invested in you.

Well I don't want to run away from him because things aren't perfect, but I see what you are saying. I am feeling like I do more, and that is probably because I expect more. But he claims that I am not invested enough. I am not sure if he still feels that way, or if he was being difficult..

Don't jump the gun. It sounds like you like him a lot.

Talk to him again and tell him what's going on and how you'd like to talk to him more life before.

See what he says and go from there. If he isn't willing to compromise, it'll be hard, but it's best to just end it.

Yes, I'd like to talk with him next time I see him. Maybe telling him how I think we want different things...and either we should try to meet each other halfway or go our own ways.

Maybe the two of you just have different expectations.

I'd be okay with only seeing a guy once a week even if he only lived 15 minutes away (though that might be because I tend to be very busy).

I do think this is the case. But every time I think maybe I am expecting too much, he says it isn't enough. Which leads to me to believe he wants this as much as I do.

He doesn't sound invested enough in the relationship. It's all been said above, so I'll just repeat it - if one needs to make an effort to see someone they care about or simply to communicate with them, one just does it. Like TX-Beau said, it's always the actions that should be taken into account.

My guess would be he is not as interested as he once was, and he might feel bad or conflicted about it, so he is kind of trying to get rid of the relationship, but isn't yet at the stage where he could admit it if confronted about it.

So just talk some more, feel the water, and if you sense something to that effect, just confront him again. Not aggressively, just firmly.

I do believe you hit it on the nail as well. I've never thought it hard to just talk with someone I wanted to - no matter how conflicted my schedule was. His actions suggests that I am not too high up on his list of things to do.

I just feel like I am 10x more patient than he is, as he has agreed to as well. Sometimes I wonder if maybe he just doesn't know how. Am I not executing myself well? Some of you say weekend visits is not the wisest approach, but when else would we see each other?

 

[altlover85]

Hmm, well I like the perspective you put it in. I can agree with all of it.

Your test seems like a plausible idea, but I don't think he'd go with it. How exactly would one pass this test?

Personally, I think the test idea is not a very good idea. I think that time would be better spent communicating with your bf, but if you think it's a good idea go for it.

Everyone brings different solutions to the table.

Well I don't want to run away from him because things aren't perfect, but I see what you are saying. I am feeling like I do more, and that is probably because I expect more. But he claims that I am not invested enough. I am not sure if he still feels that way, or if he was being difficult.

Have you asked him why he thinks you aren't invested enough and asked him to provide some examples?

Some of you say weekend visits is not the wisest approach, but when else would we see each other?

I think if weekend visits work are the best you can do, then that's the best you can do right now.

I don't think the amount of time is the issue. The real issue is that you feel the effort isn't the same on both ends.

 

[Lefty]

"Personally, I think the test idea is not a very good idea. I think that time would be better spent communicating with your bf, but if you think it's a good idea go for it."

*******************

Alt buddy,
I did not mean to imply it would solve the problem. MMM tells a story of trying
to maintain a relationship and keep communications going.
Boyfriend doesn't want to talk or do except at HIS convenience and blames
circumstance and everything but himself for the stress and strain.
Right now, its like a toothache and they take baby aspirin.
Dentist (3 mos) and then do an office visit (get together and see if they have
a long term reality or a growth experience.

No perfect answer but MMM didn't really even sound to thrilled about the b/f
attending the same Uni. JME and HO. Best of luck to both.