Getting impatient with boyfriend...

[TX-Beau]

If it was me I'd do like I suggested, tell him that obviously things aren't perfect and tell him to call me when he has the time.

Ball in his court. But then I'd also start looking at other options because if you need to do that in a relationship it's very likely it's not going to last

To the OP. You may not want to leave him because things aren't "perfect," and truthfully, they never are, which is why relationships are work, but you are not even meeting the mark of mutual cooperation on making it work - and if you don't have that......

Look, you're both really young, and neither of you have much practice at this, and contrary to the fairy tale, this stuff isn't easy and it isn't instinctual. Sure there are some guys out there who found their Prince Charming first time out, but they are way in the minority and the rest of us had to shop around a bit.

It isn't the end of the world, you will feel like this again.

 

[KaraBulut]

Distance is a strain on a relationship.

But what will kill a relationship is lack of communication.

He's not talking and you're upset because he's not talking. Neither is healthy.

The two of you need to have a talk about the state of the relationship. Avoid sentences that start with the word "you" as those tend to end up being accusations or nagging (e.g. "you never give me your schedule").

When the two of you talk, either you figure out how to make this work and how to make each other a bigger priority in each other's life, or you decide that you don't have the time/energy to continue.

But again- keep in mind that the real problem here isn't the distance, it's that you're not communicating about how you feel about each other and how you feel about the relationship.

 

[MoltenRock III]

I suggest you reread all of your recent posts / threads where you've complained about your boyfriend. You've only been dating 7 months. It shouldn't be as hard as you've made it out to be, so it's time to end it.

Ask yourself if you even like being in a relationship with him? Or are you just in love with the idea of being in a relationship and just trying to plug whatever person you meet into that mold? My guess is the latter, as you've made dozens of nitpicking type posts about him and the only positive thing you've said (in a back-handed way) is he is gorgeous.

Time to move on, methinks.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Personally, I think the test idea is not a very good idea. I think that time would be better spent communicating with your bf, but if you think it's a good idea go for it.

Everyone brings different solutions to the table.


Have you asked him why he thinks you aren't invested enough and asked him to provide some examples?


I think if weekend visits work are the best you can do, then that's the best you can do right now.

I don't think the amount of time is the issue. The real issue is that you feel the effort isn't the same on both ends.

I don't think the separation test would for us, so I do agree. Though I did find it to be a good idea in theory, it just would get messy!

But yes, I've never really had a real issue with the distance. It sucks of course, but I mean usually we talked all the time so it wasn't too bad.

No perfect answer but MMM didn't really even sound to thrilled about the b/f
attending the same Uni. JME and HO. Best of luck to both.

I am thrilled actually haha, but I just doubtful. And thanks

If it was me I'd do like I suggested, tell him that obviously things aren't perfect and tell him to call me when he has the time.

Ball in his court. But then I'd also start looking at other options because if you need to do that in a relationship it's very likely it's not going to last

To the OP. You may not want to leave him because things aren't "perfect," and truthfully, they never are, which is why relationships are work, but you are not even meeting the mark of mutual cooperation on making it work - and if you don't have that......

Look, you're both really young, and neither of you have much practice at this, and contrary to the fairy tale, this stuff isn't easy and it isn't instinctual. Sure there are some guys out there who found their Prince Charming first time out, but they are way in the minority and the rest of us had to shop around a bit.

It isn't the end of the world, you will feel like this again.

Yes, I've never wanted him to be perfect because that is unrealistic. So I am willing to bare the fights, the arguments, and whatever comes along. He's called me out on somethings as well, so it is all right. We tend to have to good compromising/making up skills, so I am not all too fearful.

Distance is a strain on a relationship.

But what will kill a relationship is lack of communication.

He's not talking and you're upset because he's not talking. Neither is healthy.

The two of you need to have a talk about the state of the relationship. Avoid sentences that start with the word "you" as those tend to end up being accusations or nagging (e.g. "you never give me your schedule").

When the two of you talk, either you figure out how to make this work and how to make each other a bigger priority in each other's life, or you decide that you don't have the time/energy to continue.

But again- keep in mind that the real problem here isn't the distance, it's that you're not communicating about how you feel about each other and how you feel about the relationship.

Thanks for this, it is true word by word. I've already talked to him about it though, but I am thinking a talk in person would be better. He surprised me and told me he was thinking of taking off this weekend to see me. So I feel slightly bad wanting to nag him when actually does make the effort :/

I suggest you reread all of your recent posts / threads where you've complained about your boyfriend. You've only been dating 7 months. It shouldn't be as hard as you've made it out to be, so it's time to end it.

Ask yourself if you even like being in a relationship with him? Or are you just in love with the idea of being in a relationship and just trying to plug whatever person you meet into that mold? My guess is the latter, as you've made dozens of nitpicking type posts about him and the only positive thing you've said (in a back-handed way) is he is gorgeous.

Time to move on, methinks.

Well certainly I would post more issues than post more thrills. While I do love him, I just seek advice. I may have started threads nitpicking him, but I've mentioned him in several posts in positive light as well Though I see where you are coming from, as I had to ask myself the same question. I mean, isn't it normal to feel frustrated in a relationship time to time? I don't want to move on, at least not yet necessarily. It is something he and I have to discuss in great detail...in person...and then I will see where to go from there.

 

[DafyddGeraint]

Ok First off, you say that he feels that YOU are lacking in this relationship too, does he have a point? Relationships are two way things, you say he doesn't call you as often anymore, how often do you call him? You say he doesn't come to see you as often, how often do you go to see him?

The first year that my partner and I were together, I was living in a house that wasn't exactly welcoming to them, so I walked 40 minutes there and 40 minutes back, at the crack of dawn, in the middle of the night, in the sun and the rain, in the hot and the cold, in the dry and the icy every day for a year until we moved in together. I'm not about to burst into "Aint no mountain high enough... Aint no valley low enough" or claiming to be some sort of martyr, but the TWO of you need to make an effort for EACH OTHER for your relationship to work.

If he can't be bothered to pick up a phone to call you, ask yourself is it really because he can't be bothered to deal with the distance between you? Is it a convienient excuse for him to move on, because to be fair from how you describe it he can't seem to be bothered maintaining this relationship, or is it something else? If you moved away from him, maybe he feels you moved away from the relationship and that you put the distance between the two of you and that therefore you cant be bothered with your relationship. However, before you think about heaping blame on yourself I dare say your motivations for going off to Uni are justifiably worth putting distance between yourself and your partner especially as it will only be temporarily.

But the point remains one person can't maintain a relationship because it wont be one. You have a fundamental problem, is there a relationship to continue? And if there is how do you BOTH compromise for the other?

 

[Seasoned]

I usually don't get back to posts, but I thought I'd check back on this one. We saw each other most weekends, on holidays and during the summer. I was a teacher. We peppered that with phone sex. It predated Skype or we would have been all over that as well.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Ok First off, you say that he feels that YOU are lacking in this relationship too, does he have a point? Relationships are two way things, you say he doesn't call you as often anymore, how often do you call him? You say he doesn't come to see you as often, how often do you go to see him?

The first year that my partner and I were together, I was living in a house that wasn't exactly welcoming to them, so I walked 40 minutes there and 40 minutes back, at the crack of dawn, in the middle of the night, in the sun and the rain, in the hot and the cold, in the dry and the icy every day for a year until we moved in together. I'm not about to burst into "Aint no mountain high enough... Aint no valley low enough" or claiming to be some sort of martyr, but the TWO of you need to make an effort for EACH OTHER for your relationship to work.

If he can't be bothered to pick up a phone to call you, ask yourself is it really because he can't be bothered to deal with the distance between you? Is it a convienient excuse for him to move on, because to be fair from how you describe it he can't seem to be bothered maintaining this relationship, or is it something else? If you moved away from him, maybe he feels you moved away from the relationship and that you put the distance between the two of you and that therefore you cant be bothered with your relationship. However, before you think about heaping blame on yourself I dare say your motivations for going off to Uni are justifiably worth putting distance between yourself and your partner especially as it will only be temporarily.

But the point remains one person can't maintain a relationship because it wont be one. You have a fundamental problem, is there a relationship to continue? And if there is how do you BOTH compromise for the other?

Yes, he did claim that he was not okay with my apparent lack of effort a few weeks ago. I didn't see where he was coming from, as I was putting more than he ...but the point is he made the claim. But we both did improve then actually. He did make more effort, as did I.

Your other points were really good, I never thought of it like that. Hmm, well I am hoping to see him this weekend so we can talk things out. I don't want to sound unappreciative to him, because he does have a lot to do when I think about it. So it is possible that maybe he just doesn't have time to truly put time into a relationship...which is something we'd have to discuss. I've already come to terms that it may be over, even though he actually has started communicating with me more often as of late...I just don't want our relationship to be a chore for him..like homework or doing the dishes... which is I am getting the vibe kinda.

I could be misinterpreting everything, but I just need to talk it out with him. I will take all of this advice in this thread for sure.

I usually don't get back to posts, but I thought I'd check back on this one. We saw each other most weekends, on holidays and during the summer. I was a teacher. We peppered that with phone sex. It predated Skype or we would have been all over that as well.

Thank you for getting back to my question! You said it was normal for one to complain about the distance? What did you do when he complained? Or was it you? I just feel insulted by the way he says we are too far. He makes it seem like it is my fault (he never uses that word though)..and it isn't like I can just drop out of college and move to his town until he transfers here...

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obdd31Q9PqA[/ame]

MMMonsterBoy- When was the last time that you both did something romantic together? Something wildly adventurous and dangerous? When was the last time that you told him how amazing he really was? When's the last time he told you how special that you were?

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obdd31Q9PqA

MMMonsterBoy- When was the last time that you both did something romantic together? Something wildly adventurous and dangerous? When was the last time that you told him how amazing he really was? When's the last time he told you how special that you were?

That video was perfect, thanks!

The last time we did something romantic together? Hmm, well last month he did come down to my hometown to surprise visit me. I don't know if that is considered romantic, but it was great.

Something adventurous? That does happen at least once every time we meet. Rarely a dull moment.

I tell him he is amazing a lot and all that jazz often. He's never really told me I am "amazing" or "special." I don't know if that is good or bad :/ When moments described in my OP are not happening, it is mostly his actions that say it. Which, when I think about, I do prefer in someways.

Things seem to be, dare I say, back to "normal." Should I bring it up to him? Or just let it die down, until it happens again (I'm sure it will)?

Thanks for all the replies, guys

 

[MoltenRock III]

Things seem to be, dare I say, back to "normal." Should I bring it up to him? Or just let it die down, until it happens again (I'm sure it will)?

What do you think you should do?

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

What do you think you should do?

I'll probably decide it's not worth mentioning soon, but it'll probably be brought up the next time we get together. Just for the sake of it not happening again, and so I can understand where he might have been coming from.

 

[subsonic]

Okay, form what you have told us I don't get the picture that your guy is not interested or cares for you. Rather it seems to be more a question of laziness. He seems really lazy.
I think that the thing is that he is used to the things being one way - you guys seeing each other without any problems or complications.
I think you should sit him down and explain to him that the fact is that this is how your reality is right now. It may be a hard period you are going through, but in order to survive he has to make much more of an extra effort now - more than ever. You have to play with the cards you are dealt or leave the table.