Getting My Life in Order: Where to Start?

[erobert]

This is really embarrassing and shameful to admit but I need some input for those who are there/ have been there.... I started writing this with the tone of “my life sucks” but then I stopped and thought my life may not be where I want it to be right now but at least I don't have an incurable illness, or am in massive debt or am living in third world country. After all I'm only 28, live in NYC- there are so many people, resources, opportunities here it's embarrassing I'm still basically at the same place I was when living with my parents in college.

Basically the problems in my life are not really huge problem but are rather temporary states of being which have actionable solutions (financial, social, surrounding environment, etc)

So a quick summary without to much whining about the current state of things: I have no real close friends (this is worrying but again can be solved), work at a job making just over $20k per year (no benefits), thus can only afford a room in a junky neighborhood and can't even afford to move... yet. I don't even have my driver's license due to laziness and hating going to the DMV but I do know how to drive thanks to driver's ed.

There's solutions to all of these and I think a root cause of how I let my life slip into this "loser" state is lacking confidence to make the necessary changes (which is for another thread). I noticed my self esteem really took a dive after my BF broke up with me this past Nov and while I'm not in the place to start dating again (I need to prioritize getting things in order and then start dating) linking your confidence to someone else isn't wise... It's also a bit needy which is a turn off for quality guys.

The other part of the equation of why things are they way they are right now is the how I use time after work

Keeping this relatively short I've resolved so far to cut back on browsing the net, (which can lead to browsing porn and that wastes a ton of time) when time could be better taking action steps toward my goals (building a group of friends/ meeting people, getting a better job, etc...) and more time planning, researching, gathering info, etc to get to where I thought I would be at this age.

It seems overwhelming when looking at it as a whole but breaking it down into little chunks is more manageable. Maybe the best way to start is to begin networking since that will hit 2 birds with one stone; job hunting and meeting people.

Does that seem like a good place to start? How did you turn your life around for anyone who can relate?

 

[MrRochesterNY]

All that shows up here on my screen are the first seven words of your posting. But I was ale to read the whole thing by going to your personal page and clicking on "recent posts.'

Repost your whole message and thenwe can respond and offer advice.

OK, fixed now.

 

[Maklaar13]

You are already on your way! The first step in getting your life sorted is that of recognizing that you do not like where you are at. Also realizing that you are better off than a lot of other people with bigger problems is a must.

A positive attitude towards attaining your goals is also a must. Do yourself a favor and do not put yourself in a rush to get things done, make lists of your goals then examine them one by one and get started in your quest to make a better life for yourself. Little steps are sometimes a better way to get to the desire solution that you want for your life.

Best of luck and keep us posted on your progress, your experience and positive output could very well help others in similar situations that have not yet been able to see their own picture.

 

[dpnice]

It is extremely easy to make no effort to change one's life as it is easy to continue living in a routine even when one knows that it isn't really ideal.

The problem in changing one's life is the difficulty in making that effort; it really isn't as easy as it sounds.

You really need to want to make the change, really, really want to before you will find yourself capable of getting out of the comfort zone that you may well have built up around you.

Start with your free time. Start going out, you don't need money to do everything. Once you manage to fill your free time with doing things that bring enjoyment as well as seeming worthwhile you should be able to find the enthusiasm to do something about improving your financial situation.

Whatever I wish you all the best in your attempts.

 

[HunterM]

You're on the right track on admitting and identifying areas of improvement. You have the right mind set to break them into smaller manageable chunks in accomplishing your goals.

What you need is a road map on how to get to your goals/solve those problems.

1. Know what you want. Pick 2 areas of your life that you want to improve (what)
2. Set goals and plans to get there (how)
3. Set a timeline/deadline to accomplish those goals (when)...so you can either check it off of list of accomplishments or re-assess how to fine-tune it or change direction. The timeline could be 2 months, 3 months, 6 months, etc. It takes a minimum of 21 days to form a new habit. http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/form-a-habit2.htm.
4. Share your goals and timelines with a couple (not just one) of friends or family members and ask if they can be your sounding board and hold you accountable to your actions. Have them check up on you. (accountability) Without accountability, there's no commitment; there's no urgency. We get lazy. When we get lazy, things don't get done. It happens to the best of us. It's human nature.
5. Repeat these steps to improve the next 2 areas of your life.

Although we often think of the scientific method is for scientific research or for engineering only. It is a GREAT framework to solve human problems.

http://www.sciencemadesimple.com/scientific_method.html
http://chemistry.about.com/od/lecturenotesl3/a/sciencemethod.htm

Good luck!

 

[rareboy]

This is really embarrassing and shameful to admit but I need some input for those who are there/ have been there.... I started writing this with the tone of “my life sucks” but then I stopped and thought my life may not be where I want it to be right now but at least I don't have an incurable illness, or am in massive debt or am living in third world country. After all I'm only 28, live in NYC- there are so many people, resources, opportunities here it's embarrassing I'm still basically at the same place I was when living with my parents in college.

Basically the problems in my life are not really huge problem but are rather temporary states of being which have actionable solutions (financial, social, surrounding environment, etc)

So a quick summary without to much whining about the current state of things: I have no real close friends (this is worrying but again can be solved), work at a job making just over $20k per year (no benefits), thus can only afford a room in a junky neighborhood and can't even afford to move... yet. I don't even have my driver's license due to laziness and hating going to the DMV but I do know how to drive thanks to driver's ed.

There's solutions to all of these and I think a root cause of how I let my life slip into this "loser" state is lacking confidence to make the necessary changes (which is for another thread). I noticed my self esteem really took a dive after my BF broke up with me this past Nov and while I'm not in the place to start dating again (I need to prioritize getting things in order and then start dating) linking your confidence to someone else isn't wise... It's also a bit needy which is a turn off for quality guys.

The other part of the equation of why things are they way they are right now is the how I use time after work

Keeping this relatively short I've resolved so far to cut back on browsing the net, (which can lead to browsing porn and that wastes a ton of time) when time could be better taking action steps toward my goals (building a group of friends/ meeting people, getting a better job, etc...) and more time planning, researching, gathering info, etc to get to where I thought I would be at this age.

It seems overwhelming when looking at it as a whole but breaking it down into little chunks is more manageable. Maybe the best way to start is to begin networking since that will hit 2 birds with one stone; job hunting and meeting people.

Does that seem like a good place to start? How did you turn your life around for anyone who can relate?

You are on the road to recovery.

And time to get on with living.

The best way to move forward is to set realistic positive life change goals. not sitting in your room moping is a good start. See if there is somewhere you can volunteer. It is a great way to meet other people with a passion for the same causes and often many of the same things you like. Budget your time on the net and in front of the Television.

Get out for more exercise. Walk. Run. Bike. Whatever.

Get your diet sorted out. Start eating clean. And simple. If you already are, great. Learn how to be more creative in the kitchen.

If a drivers license is a goal, then do that. Get off your ass and do it. We all procrastinate. But seize the moments when you want to do something and get right to it.

Get going on getting job applications and resumes out there. Yes the economy is still shits but you don't want to be stuck at a minimum wage job forever. This is where volunteering and demonstrating that you have an active social conscience and drive can really help you land jobs. I always hire the ones with this experience over the ones that just seem to have nothing outside of their work and playing computer games in their life.

You are making a good start. Stick to it. And make sure that you tell yourself and mean it that you know there will still be rejections and setbacks...but that it shouldn't be used as an excuse to not keep pushing ahead.

 

[HunterM]

We can overwhelm ourselves with all our problems. To build self-confidence and momentum, sort your problems by complexity in solving them. List the easy ones at the top of your to do list. Get them done first because you will feel really good having to check them off your to do list. I wouldn't list "making the world a better place for everyone" as your first problem to tackle.

For example: Make that appointment on Monday to get your driver's license.

...and you know to get your butt down to the DMV and get that license even if you don't need to drive necessarily. Do it as a mark of a new direction.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Does that seem like a good place to start? How did you turn your life around for anyone who can relate?

Not to be rude, but starting an internet topic about how you spend too much time on the internet doesn't seem to be conducive to the result you seem to want to produce.

 

[pausanias_usa]

All the ruts I've been in have been more of WHERE I've been.

If you can only pull in 20k/yr, then New York is not the place for you.

There. I said it. So look on better jobs in more affordable places. Or going back to college to earn new skills for a better job.

You say NY has lots of options: use them.

 

[peeonme]

If I could ask a few questions;
Are you depressed? A lack of energy and a feeling of hopelessness are earmarks of a depressed state of being. Some look at their surroundings and think that they feel "down" because they live in an impoverished lifestyle, you might be in this life style because of a
chemical imbalance in your brain. This might be worth looking in to.

What are your interests? What did you study in college? Do you have a marketable skill?

It's important to use your talents, education and desires together when making a living. If you are good at what you do and want to do it you will do it well.

As others have said, get you drivers license, in some occupations it's a must to have one, it could open doors for you not to mention a boost to your self confidence.

Good luck.

 

[JockTalk]

Meh, you lack motivation. Incredulously your $20K salary allows you to live in NY with some means of existence. It's not great but it's not bad either.

I wouldn't rely on networking to find a job. You need to update your resume, send out hard copies and make some follow up calls, provided you really DO want a different job.

Also make an inspiration board. Fill it with printed images and words of all the things you want out of life as a reminder of why you SHOULD be motivated. It's all about the laws of attraction and for Christ's sake, go out after work and be social, silly man!

 

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

go weed it
10 reply option
no like any of um

sure figa it out

thankyou

 

[altlover85]

erobert, I'm in a very similar situation. I think you've received some great advice and I just wanted to pull one piece of it out and explain how it might be helpful.

We can overwhelm ourselves with all our problems. To build self-confidence and momentum, sort your problems by complexity in solving them. List the easy ones at the top of your to do list. Get them done first because you will feel really good having to check them off your to do list. I wouldn't list "making the world a better place for everyone" as your first problem to tackle.

For example: Make that appointment on Monday to get your driver's license.

I think this is the easiest way to make progress. Maybe you might want to cut an hour out of your internet time and instead of being on forums or whatever, you could use it to look into stuff like meetup.com and see if there might be something there you could do. Exercise might be a great thing to do as well, as it will probably help you clear your mind.

If you have any interests, like art, music, watching or making movies, dance/ballet, or anything else, you might want to do at least one of those a week. See if you can find low cost or free ways of doing these things. Just geting out of the house and doing something can help you feel better and changing up your routine is a good thing too.

I'll be watching this thread, as I know it can help me too.

Good luck!

 

[cashwyatt]

Well OP I been there at your age I know what you going through . I was drinking a lot like 4 to 5 fifths of alcohol a week by myself my friends were partying way too much and doing drugs and not weed I am not in the 7th grade and i had crap to do. I was a mess I was getting blackout drunk and hating life . I had nothing to show for my life and felt like F it life stinks . I'm constantly tortured by a sense of failure. I feel like quitting all the time. I feel like hiding in drugs or alcohol. I feel like I've failed in terms of what my potential is. I don't think I've achieved my potential because I haven't worked that hard and I haven't found the right angles.

It got better once i cut my so called friends out of my life things got better. I still am fighting with my problems but i am fixing things .

Now that i said to myself I do not want to work any more dean end jobs and put boxes on shelves for the rest of my life I need to do something . Sure i make 19.40 an hour but one paycheck is rent and it goes fast were i live and do not feel like driving a hour one way to work to save a few hundred bucks it just means more money would go towards gas.

I have been going back to school for a while now and had issues of staying focused but got that fixed by drugs so i all locked in. I went to the Dr and got some meds to help that issue.

The desire to feel like you're not a loser drives me. I don't know if that's the healthiest thing—to be motivated by a fear of hating yourself. But it definitely helps.

I emotionally I dwell on things forever. I'm an obsessive thinker. I obsess on things I've done wrong. Even worse than mistakes I have made.

I am going to turn my life around no matter what that haters or people say F them .

There question I ask myself like will i be good enough and can i handle a real job?

Ok back to the reading .

 

[cgymike]

ALmost one word to you: MOVE.

NYC is not for you because you don't have a plan. Move to Lincoln NE get a job (very easy almost total employment there), and save because you will notice almost zero expense compared to NYC. Like 90% cheaper!

It does get tornadoes sometimes but not bad.

GO.

PS. GO Big Red. You will need that....

 

[altlover85]

ALmost one word to you: MOVE.

NYC is not for you because you don't have a plan. Move to Lincoln NE get a job (very easy almost total employment there), and save because you will notice almost zero expense compared to NYC. Like 90% cheaper!

It does get tornadoes sometimes but not bad.

GO.

PS. GO Big Red. You will need that....

I can't say that I agree with this advice. While NYC is demanding and may not be the best place for someone without a plan, I do think NYC is a great resource and tool if you use it correctly. There are tons of things to do and to get involved in and you might even discover a passion for something you didn't know you enjoyed.

 

[mikey3000]

I think you're off to a great start, but remember one thing. Be flexible. Life has a funny way of wrecking your "plans". Just learn to love and be loved, and roll with the punches.

Best of luck.

 

[erobert]

Thanks all! Lots of helpful advice to get me back on track. I say "back on track" because when I was in college I thought by this age I'd be living what I had "planned" to live (well paying career, group of solid friends, loving relationship, etc...) Things most people desire I'm sure. I've made very slight progress toward where I think I should be at my life in about the month since I posted this, mostly seeking out places to meet friends online and off.

1. Know what you want. Pick 2 areas of your life that you want to improve (what)
2. Set goals and plans to get there (how)
3. Set a timeline/deadline to accomplish those goals (when)...so you can either check it off of list of accomplishments or re-assess how to fine-tune it or change direction. The timeline could be 2 months, 3 months, 6 months, etc. It takes a minimum of 21 days to form a new habit. http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/form-a-habit2.htm.
4. Share your goals and timelines with a couple (not just one) of friends or family members and ask if they can be your sounding board and hold you accountable to your actions. Have them check up on you. (accountability) Without accountability, there's no commitment; there's no urgency. We get lazy. When we get lazy, things don't get done. It happens to the best of us. It's human nature.
5. Repeat these steps to improve the next 2 areas of your life.

This helps as a roadmap. I think the 2 areas that I should focus on right now are getting out there and meeting new potential friends, I'm not sure meeting new people with the intention of dating is the wisest thing to do at the moment since I should really focus on getting things in order (despite my craving for a relationship). Being a somewhat introverted combined with living in NYC where everyone is so "busy" all the time makes it hard to find people who will make time to see you. I've found it's easiest to get together with people who have recently moved to the city since they're actively looking for friends since they don't know anyone here.

I will say though I've made a list of places to make potential friends such as volunteering, organizations, Meetup.com and started with a few GLBT meetups hosted by Meetup.com and was a bit disappointed. One I went to twice to get a sample of the people there, most of the guys were very introverted yet friendly though seemed more shy than me and were hard to talk to and didn't really have very good social skills.

I went to another one last week and the members of the group were the complete opposite, there were a lot of people but it was mostly the guys was less about meeting people and more about hooking up (which is fine for some people and there were plenty of great looking guys there but I'm seeking deeper relationships with people). Lots of alcohol at something that was advertised as a "picnic in Central Park" and blasting music so loud it made other around us move away from the group, it was basically recreating a club atmosphere in Central Park which is not "me" Attending them provided interesting experiences to see both ends of the spectrum in the gay community but I couldn't help feeling like I was wasting time with Meetup.com when I should have choose volunteering somewhere instead since that can lead to personal and professional contacts.

Getting a real job or doing something that puts more money in my pocket (weekend job possibly) in-order to move out the room I'm renting for the old lady who own the apartment in a junky area. This actually relates to meeting new people since moving to a better neighborhood where there is a higher concentration of young working professionals (my area is waaay Uptown and not that many like minded people live north of a certain street IMO) Luckily I'm getting interviews but unfortunately not getting offers.... so it's a bit frustrating going on 9 interviews and not getting anything. If this trend interview but no offer trend continues like this I'll have to consider just starting my own business or creating opportunities for myself while I'm working at my current job since I'd rather not let the job market determine my future income in the near to be very honest. I have to do something about my financial situation since I'd rather not live a lifestyle capped at 20k per year while many people my age make double or triple that in NYC (or so it seems at least)

peeonme, possibly. I'm worried if so it's getting in the way of making progress since there are time when I'll start applying for a job and then stop telling myself they're not going to hire me anyway so why bother applying and wasting everyone's time? Stopping before you even get started as some say.

"What are your interests? What did you study in college? Do you have a marketable skill?

It's important to use your talents, education and desires together when making a living. If you are good at what you do and want to do it you will do it well."

Have a degree in architecture, the economy isn't really great still for that and the field is very competitive in New York... you really need to know a decision maker at a firm to get a desirable position as with many other fields. I don't really know anyone like that. I've been told a few times on interviews and by a few people at placement agencies that I have a great resume; then why am I not getting better, higher paying jobs? I think I have a decent resume myself though.

Finally, someone mentioned NYC might not be the best place for me if this is the current state of things. Which I also agree with from a logical standpoint, emotionally NYC is where I'd want to live despite it, but if I've exhausted my to do list and a few months from now things have not changed I'm just have to move back home and reassess things, which is something I'd really rather not do but it might be necessary to backward a bit to get forward if that makes sense.

Sorry for the long rambling post but I just want to provide more info and a bit of progress. Plus I was up tossing and turning over this in bed last night.

 

[HunterM]

Interviewing tip: when you are not getting a job offer, call or email HR of that company and asked what areas you should improve to get this job the next time around. You have nothing to lose since they're not hiring you for the position anyway. You have EVERYTHING to gain...to help you do better.

 

[erobert]

Thanks for all the support and comments. Good tip Hunter, will try it on my next interview if they don't give me an offer. My previous one were too long ago to ask for advice; they likely forgot who I was by now.

Just giving an update since a few members were curious of any progress or such. I've been making an effort to get out more and meet new people to at least make one friend, applying to lot of jobs, roommate hunting to ensure I don't make the mistake of living with a crazy cat lady in an undesirable area because "it's cheap" (not worth it) etc.... Still no offers and meeting people who I have a few things in common with is proving to be somewhat harder than I originally thought outside of Meetup.com. I'm wondering if getting a part time job on the weekends to supplement my income; I have weekends free anyway and that might be a good way of meeting others and take the focus off of having to spend another weekend alone. In a city of 8 million people there's probably at least a few like minded gay guys but I might be looking in the wrong places.

I've come up with a 30 day ultimatum also; if things don't improve for me financially I'm unfortunately going to have to move back home to my parent's. I don't like that back up plan one bit at all but part of me thinks that the reasonable and responsible thing to do. The other part of me worries may make things worse, since I'd be starting over except without rent to pay and in the suburbs where I grew up; basically back at square one... I know there are a lot of young people in my situation but I feel a lot of them either move back home or to a lower cost of living city if they can't find real jobs with livable entry level salaries for NYC. Maybe that's one of the major reason why it's so hard to meet other 20 somethings in NYC; because it's so transient for those starting out.