Getting over a guy you can't have

[Project22a]

I've fallen for this straight friend of mine.

He's really the perfect guy... good looking, really sweet, funny, smart, likes having a good time... you get the picture. Not to mention that he was totally accepting of me when I came out, and we're now sharing an apartment and he's totally comfortable with me.

I tend to give my heart away really easily (which I gotta work on, too), and it's not just with straight boys, either. That whole "wanting what you can't have" thing... I've never really understood it... but when has the mind ever been able to control what the heart feels?

He's totally taken (GF of over 4 years), so I know there's no chance of him being gay and there's no chance of us having more than a really good friendship.

So how do I make myself "un-fall" for him? Because I want the really healthy friendship that we have, and I wanna get over my romantic feelings for him because I'm afraid that I'm gonna say or do something stupid that's gonna ruin our relationship.

 

[PATMAN]

I could have posted the exact same thing... yikes, only difference is I don't live with him, I live with my boyfriend haha. So of course I would never do anything or even bring anything up with the straight friend, it's just the thoughts that go through my head all the time! The other night while we both very drunk we had a very intense play wrestle, wow it was hot lol!

 

[sixthson]

I've fallen for this straight friend of mine.

He's really the perfect guy... good looking, really sweet, funny, smart, likes having a good time... you get the picture. Not to mention that he was totally accepting of me when I came out, and we're now sharing an apartment and he's totally comfortable with me.

I don't think you have given him your heart, but I do think that you have described your ideal man in this paragraph. He has all the characteristics of someone to whom you could one day give your heart. Who wouldn't love this guy? He sounds awesome! Plus he is so accepting of you and so comfortable with his own sexuality, he enjoys sharing an apartment with you.

What can you do to change how you feel? I don't think there is anything, but always keep in mind that he is straight with a girlfriend and you cherish his friendship. Just keep on loving him as a friend. I think, in time, you will get this into perspective, especially as you get more experience with relationships. At your age, crushing on your friends is pretty normal, especially when he is as fine as he is.

Good luck and enjoy your life.

 

[Orlandude]

Never easy but the couple of times I have fallen into this, I found the best way "out" is to ACCEPT that you will never have more than a friendship and leave it at that if you really want his friendship. Consider too that even if he does know you are gay, he probably wishes you were straight as much as you wish he were gay! I will never stop "wanting" one or two straight male friends I have but I have come to realize "it ain't gonna happen". Better to keep them as friends and go on. There are so many other men that ARE gay and wanting to meet you and, perhaps, develop something you deserve. Straight is straight and a rose by any other name is still a rose. No harm in looking or "wanting" but be practical. He is what he is and you are what you are. Respect the difference, be friends and move on...for your own emotional well-being.

 

[stonegrill]

I had a similar situation. It only broke when I confessed to him... and it hurt for a few months afterwards.

Good news is after then I didn't hate him or anything. So if you did decide on this course of action, if it plays out how mine did, your friendship could still continue. I can't offer any good advice, but it's something to think about.

Hey Innuendo, can you tell me more about this?

I, am in a similar situation, broke it out and told me I loved him. he rejected me so I avoided meeting him or even ignored him. My friendship with him is not that strong, so it was fine for me not to know this person for life. Not too good right.

 

[jetsonboy]

I've fallen for this straight friend of mine.

He's really the perfect guy... good looking, really sweet, funny, smart, likes having a good time... you get the picture. Not to mention that he was totally accepting of me when I came out, and we're now sharing an apartment and he's totally comfortable with me.

I tend to give my heart away really easily (which I gotta work on, too), and it's not just with straight boys, either. That whole "wanting what you can't have" thing... I've never really understood it... but when has the mind ever been able to control what the heart feels?

He's totally taken (GF of over 4 years), so I know there's no chance of him being gay and there's no chance of us having more than a really good friendship.

So how do I make myself "un-fall" for him? Because I want the really healthy friendship that we have, and I wanna get over my romantic feelings for him because I'm afraid that I'm gonna say or do something stupid that's gonna ruin our relationship.

Listen to yourself! Why, why do you welcome such drama into your life? Seek the love of someone who is 1. single and 2. shares your sexual preference/compatibility. You have a psychological tendency to seek pain in your life, and you need to get rid of it. Do something for yourself that is good for you, like start looking for love where you can actually get some. You will some day be happy, very happy, and that will be with someone who will love you as you are and is capable of sharing all of himself with you. Stop hurting yourself and wasting your time and emotional resources with impossible prospects.

 

[looseliam]

I was in the same situation. It got so bad that I wouldn't date or see anyone because I "was waiting for him to come around." In the end I had to ask him to leave so I could live my life. That, for me, was the only way.

You have to distance yourself and find someone whose love can be requited.

 

[hermanding]

it could be better not to live in the same apartment if your feelings are so strong. since you know there's NO chance, it's go on with life one second at a time. other people will come along that will be worth it if you are out in the world. better maybe to avoid much with straight guys. besides, offer your special gifts to other gay people.
ding

 

[Project22a]

I don't think you have given him your heart, but I do think that you have described your ideal man in this paragraph.

You're right. I always fall for the nice guys that are funny and sweet and cuddly and...I could go on forever. Trying to be objective and stepping outside of the situation, I can see that I haven't given him my heart... he's just the physical manifestation of all of the characteristics of my ideal man (except for the whole straight thing ), which makes it really hard for me to not have feelings for him.

I think the fear that I'm never gonna find my ideal man causes me to latch onto the ones that fall into that 'perfect' category, even if they are straight.

Thanks for the replies and advice.

 

[thermodynamics]

I've been there. I fell for one of my straight best friends. Eventually I had to tell him. And we've drifted apart since, but that's been a good thing. It has broken my feelings for him. While it hurt when it happened, I'm glad it happened.

 

[NickCole]

There is no such thing as a perfect guy or an ideal man.

That's a fantasy.

As long as you fall for "ideal men" who aren't available you can cling to the fantasy.

So how do I make myself "un-fall" for him?

Stop idealizing him.

 

[strataboy19]

The best way to get over a crush on a straight guy is to get close to him...in a friendly way of course. I had a terrible crush on my straight best friend...and it even got worse when he convinced me to be his roommate. How did I get over him? Living with him gave me a chance to get to know him a little better...and his annoying habits. He did enough things that turned me off and my crush eventually went away.

 

[Project22a]

The best way to get over a crush on a straight guy is to get close to him...in a friendly way of course. I had a terrible crush on my straight best friend...and it even got worse when he convinced me to be his roommate. How did I get over him? Living with him gave me a chance to get to know him a little better...and his annoying habits. He did enough things that turned me off and my crush eventually went away.

See... this is what I was thinking, too. Find little annoying things about him that make me realize that he's just an imperfect guy just like me. Then there's nothing to idealize at all, and that should get me over him.

Thanks all for your replies.