Getting Over Breakup and Have Lost Gaydar

[erobert]

Sorry ahead of time for the long post but I need to get a couple thoughts off my chest coming out a relationship and have a question about gaydar. I'm sure many fellow JUBBER's can relate.

My BF of a year and a half and I broke up a few weeks ago and decided to go back to being friends. (As to why browse through some of my old threads and you'll see the writing on the wall that I missed)

Despite me still having feelings for him he says he doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore. (Which I don't entirely believe since I think he doesn't know if he wants a relationship or not but who knows...) Last night we got together for a movie and dinner and during it I had a resurgence of old feelings for him since being with him reminded me how things used to be when we were a couple. I told him this and ask him point blank if we were making the right decision of going back to being friends. He said without a second though he "thinks it's right and feels better... time will heal things." Which is true but it kind of hurt that he didn't think twice before answering- he was very sure of it.

After feeling a bit mopey this morning and sleeping in I told myself how ridiculous it was that I'm the one who's mourning and he's feeling neutral about going back to being friends. I live in NYC- where there are not only a ton of fish in the sea that is the Big Apple but also plenty of gay guys to choose from. Many like him or better. I've been telling myself this for the past week or so: "Learn from this, improve yourself move on with attracting the guy you want in your life- the only option is to go forward instead of dwelling on the past. Time heals but meeting guys helps heal things faster" And that's true.

So I got up and went out since I'm determined to begin my quest to find one of the many Mr. Right's out there. (I don't believe there's just 1 Mr Right but many many Mr Right's out there in the world) While I have been to gay bars they aren't really my scene since that's not always the best place to find a BF... they are good to find other things though. The Holidays are here and from experience in the past I always ramped up my search for a BF during the holiday season since it's not fun having a special someone to spend Christmastime with. I think a lots of single guys also feel this way so the timing is right to being now.

So I went to a gay friendly cafe; the only one in my corner of Manhattan. Quite literally since it's at the very tip of Upper Manhattan where the 20 something gay scene is virtually non existent; Downtown is where the gay singles all live. I'm not expecting anything really to happen and am going there just to get out of my apartment and be around other people mostly.

I'm sitting at the bar drinking my coffee when I notice a very cute waiter looking at me who looks away quickly when I glance up. He's exactly my type, at least visually. I start checking him out and I'm already forgetting about the loss of my former BF (turned friend again) Most of the waiters and staff at this cafe are gay or lesbian since it's gay friendly and serves as a somewhat unofficial gay spot in the neighborhood. But is he? I tap into my gaydar but I can't get a good reading on him... in fact I haven't been able to get a good reading on many people I was interested in since entering my relationship. I've lost my gaydar! Now I'm flying blind in non gay scene type of environments. I continue checking him out quickly so as not to make him uncomfortable if he isn't. He looks back. Is he looking back because I'm looking at him or because of something else?

After a few minutes of this dance (or not?) He stands right beside where I'm sitting and starts folding napkins. Hmmm... Is he just doing his job where he usually stands and folds napkins or is he trying to get closer to me? If so the protocol for hitting on customers is somewhat fuzzy. He can see I'm checking out online gay dating sites so there's no questions about me... After a confusing and slightly uncomfortable few minutes I get and leave since he hasn't said anything and checking him out at close range would be pretty creepy if he isn't. I used to consider my gaydar to be very good and accurate most of the time but now it's virtually non existent except with people who are obviously out.

At least I know where when he works if I choose to go back and try again after fine tuning my gaydar. I'm probably overthinking things but am worried about my gaydar now being virtually non existent- a lot of guys my age aren't into the gay scene that much anymore since there's other ways to meet like minded men. Especially in NYC. The problem is finding them and where they usually go for that.... After all I didn't meet my former BF at a gay bar but instead through chance through a mutual friend of ours. My gaydar didn't even pick him up the first couple times we started to hang out as friends and I remember asking our mutual friend if my former BF was gay and single. Does anyone have any tips for fine tuning their gaydar?

 

[medic1]

Hi there.
From reading your post, my gaydar was pinging away, you caught him checking you out several times, he comes and stands right next to you, and he notices that you are checking out gay-dating sites.
I think your gaydar is fine, the problem may be that at the moment you may have lost a little confidence in yourself after the break-up
with your previous partner.

If you want to pursue this, then you can always pop in for another coffee, if he is there, give him a smile and a greeting. That way you have made the initial contact.
I agree with you about the Mr Right aspect, after my first partner i never thought i could feel the same way about anyone else. God, was i wrong.
Perhaps it may be worth giving a thought to not seeing your ex, on a regular basis, just for the moment. Even though it sounds like he is amicable with the break-up, it seems that you still harbour "loving" feelings for him.
Some time-out, may help you gain some perspective. Now go have that coffee.

 

[bankside]

hmmm... missed something on the first read through and don't have a reply yet.

 

[bruce379]

Sorry ahead of time for the long post but I need to get a couple thoughts off my chest coming out a relationship and have a question about gaydar. I'm sure many fellow JUBBER's can relate.

My BF of a year and a half and I broke up a few weeks ago and decided to go back to being friends. (As to why browse through some of my old threads and you'll see the writing on the wall that I missed)

Despite me still having feelings for him he says he doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore. (Which I don't entirely believe since I think he doesn't know if he wants a relationship or not but who knows...) Last night we got together for a movie and dinner and during it I had a resurgence of old feelings for him since being with him reminded me how things used to be when we were a couple. I told him this and ask him point blank if we were making the right decision of going back to being friends. He said without a second though he "thinks it's right and feels better... time will heal things." Which is true but it kind of hurt that he didn't think twice before answering- he was very sure of it.

After feeling a bit mopey this morning and sleeping in I told myself how ridiculous it was that I'm the one who's mourning and he's feeling neutral about going back to being friends. I live in NYC- where there are not only a ton of fish in the sea that is the Big Apple but also plenty of gay guys to choose from. Many like him or better. I've been telling myself this for the past week or so: "Learn from this, improve yourself move on with attracting the guy you want in your life- the only option is to go forward instead of dwelling on the past. Time heals but meeting guys helps heal things faster" And that's true.

So I got up and went out since I'm determined to begin my quest to find one of the many Mr. Right's out there. (I don't believe there's just 1 Mr Right but many many Mr Right's out there in the world) While I have been to gay bars they aren't really my scene since that's not always the best place to find a BF... they are good to find other things though. The Holidays are here and from experience in the past I always ramped up my search for a BF during the holiday season since it's not fun having a special someone to spend Christmastime with. I think a lots of single guys also feel this way so the timing is right to being now.

So I went to a gay friendly cafe; the only one in my corner of Manhattan. Quite literally since it's at the very tip of Upper Manhattan where the 20 something gay scene is virtually non existent; Downtown is where the gay singles all live. I'm not expecting anything really to happen and am going there just to get out of my apartment and be around other people mostly.

I'm sitting at the bar drinking my coffee when I notice a very cute waiter looking at me who looks away quickly when I glance up. He's exactly my type, at least visually. I start checking him out and I'm already forgetting about the loss of my former BF (turned friend again) Most of the waiters and staff at this cafe are gay or lesbian since it's gay friendly and serves as a somewhat unofficial gay spot in the neighborhood. But is he? I tap into my gaydar but I can't get a good reading on him... in fact I haven't been able to get a good reading on many people I was interested in since entering my relationship. I've lost my gaydar! Now I'm flying blind in non gay scene type of environments. I continue checking him out quickly so as not to make him uncomfortable if he isn't. He looks back. Is he looking back because I'm looking at him or because of something else?

After a few minutes of this dance (or not?) He stands right beside where I'm sitting and starts folding napkins. Hmmm... Is he just doing his job where he usually stands and folds napkins or is he trying to get closer to me? If so the protocol for hitting on customers is somewhat fuzzy. He can see I'm checking out online gay dating sites so there's no questions about me... After a confusing and slightly uncomfortable few minutes I get and leave since he hasn't said anything and checking him out at close range would be pretty creepy if he isn't. I used to consider my gaydar to be very good and accurate most of the time but now it's virtually non existent except with people who are obviously out.

At least I know where when he works if I choose to go back and try again after fine tuning my gaydar. I'm probably overthinking things but am worried about my gaydar now being virtually non existent- a lot of guys my age aren't into the gay scene that much anymore since there's other ways to meet like minded men. Especially in NYC. The problem is finding them and where they usually go for that.... After all I didn't meet my former BF at a gay bar but instead through chance through a mutual friend of ours. My gaydar didn't even pick him up the first couple times we started to hang out as friends and I remember asking our mutual friend if my former BF was gay and single. Does anyone have any tips for fine tuning their gaydar?

Just from what you wrote, my gaydar is homing in on that waiter.

Ask him what time does he get off. And pass him your first name and number(happens all the time in NYC). Then you can verify if he's gay through grindr after he finishes his shift, if he's in his 20s. Then you can say hi to him on grindr.

 

[sixthson]

I have no opinion on your gaydar but I will say this: I can't help but wonder just how seriously you loved your ex. You were together 1 1/2 years and after only a few weeks apart, you're out looking for a new bf and as soon as your head is turned by some stranger you find attractive in a coffee shop, the ex is quickly being forgotten. In my opinion, for what little it is worth, you need to put some distance between you and the ex until you are in a place to see him only as a friend and you need to stop worrying about replacing him.
Your story does not sound like someone who is hurting after a broken love. What some people call love is nothing more than just an infatuation with having a bf. I wonder if you fall in that category.

 

[altlover85]

erobert, I would tread slowly with this waiter. I doubt you've lost your gaydar, but I would make sure I was over the ex before getting seriously involved with anyone else.

I have no opinion on your gaydar but I will say this: I can't help but wonder just how seriously you loved your ex. You were together 1 1/2 years and after only a few weeks apart, you're out looking for a new bf and as soon as your head is turned by some stranger you find attractive in a coffee shop, the ex is quickly being forgotten. In my opinion, for what little it is worth, you need to put some distance between you and the ex until you are in a place to see him only as a friend and you need to stop worrying about replacing him.
Your story does not sound like someone who is hurting after a broken love. What some people call love is nothing more than just an infatuation with having a bf. I wonder if you fall in that category.

I've found if things go south enough, you can mentally move on before the end of the relationship.

 

[tangential]

If you happen to be talking about Darling Coffee, I agree, the waiters are very cute. And if not Darling, then you should hang out there anyway and tweak your reception.

 

[erobert]

/\ Indian Road Cafe actually. There's never anywhere to sit at Darling Cafe since it's so crowded on weekends.

Thanks guys for the feedback. Went back today just to see if he was around and he wasn't. Entirely different staff actually than last Sunday. Well, there's others out there that are very similar to him anyway. It's good to do some field studies and observe what's out there before making a move.

 

[tangential]

/\ Indian Road Cafe actually. There's never anywhere to sit at Darling Cafe since it's so crowded on weekends.

Ah, also a good choice. Good luck getting back out there!