Getting over my molestation

[slnattak]

I was a shy sheltered kid.

I was an abuser's FAVORITE victim cause I seemed so shy and innocent. I remember the horrible sociopathic things she said. She got on top of me against my will and she humped me. It was sickening. (i was just a lil boy she was a strong teenage girl so i couldn't escape) You'd expect a man to do those things but a woman? I've tried to forgive but how can I? I view all women as vermin. I was just a little boy, so tender and innocent I had no idea what was going on. She said to me "You were made fun of in school right, you wanna do something that will make you feel better?"

I tried to let it go. I think this made me have hatred for women. I remember back when I was a little boy I was DEFINITELY straighter (although to be honest more 'bisexual') but after this happened I think I was so traumatized, I started to sexualize men. And it never really stopped. Now I have the most respect for straight men who abuse women and I know it's not right, but it makes me feel like I'm in a position of power over my offender.

I never in turn abused a child because I was abused, don't think that. However I have a feeling it scarred me for life. Makes me feel like the eternal 'victim' and I don't want to feel that way anymore. I sometimes attract bad men because I want to prove to myself that they're worse than what a woman did. I stilll don't understand how a woman, somebody that naturally carries LIFE- can be a sexual predator. And I also have a lot of shame regarding this cause I know if a boy is abused people have a tendency to think 'just get over it and move on' and that's actually right. I have to let this go somehow and I don't know how. But a part of me is waking up, I feel it.

You might not realize this and I know you guys don't really care, and I know I'm just being a cliched, typical fag talking about his personal emotional problems. But it really is helping me and I do feel more like me, it's weird. =)

I hope one day I can be healed completely from issues of molestation.

 

[bankside]

You'd expect a man to do those things but a woman?

Which man? Me? How dare you.

I view all women as vermin.

Wow. Then you owe not only all men an apology, but all women too, except for one.

 

[Dutch182]

It's time to talk to a Dr. if you can't afford one there are clinics, The YMCA in some states can help, or call the police there is no time limit on assult charges. You will never get to be happy until you fight your demons or Demonisses.

 

[StlKj]

Dutch is right. You need to see someone trained in dealing with sexual abuse. You have some deep wounds related to your being victimized, and those are not going to go away without working through it. Find someone good who can help you with this.

 

[racer2438]

I kinda know what you mean. My honey was molested by a cop that the family trusted. And while it was going on they invited him over for lunch and dinners. And he could not say anything. HIs parents thought "how much more safer can a child be with a cop". When he told his mom , it was so sad as she felt like she failed him in protecting her child. It was ruff for her to. Going to therapy does help for a while but sometimes some people need more closure for it. This was my honey's way and it did wonders for him. May not be for everyone.

But in 2001-2002 he mounted on mission to process what he deemed therapeutic in his mind. He found were he was living at. Wrote a long letter to his 4 immediate niehbors about what had happened to him. Also sent 1 to the president of the prestigious golf club he was a member of.

Then he found one of the best lawyers in the state to file a civil suit on him. Which of course he denied. After 4yrs of making it seem like my honey made it all up, being deposed by 4 attorneys on there side.

When they finally deposed him, he cracked and admitted everything. It was settle out of court on the scum bag request for his privacy. In the end my honey got $140.000. But he donated it all to various charities. Because to him it was not about the money it was about getting even. And he did cus now all those people know what he did...... that my friends is PRICELESS And now he is so much more at ease with it. He cant forget it as no one can but he can now place it way back in his mind knowing he did the right thing and he got even....

So even if you can do anything with the law, you can still get even and let people know what they did...


Wish you the best...

 

[rareboy]

You are so in need of therapy.

Get it. Get healed. Get happy.

Let go of hate.

 

[Telstra]

Which man? Me? How dare you.



Wow. Then you owe not only all men an apology, but all women too, except for one.

This is a NO flame zone. Suppose to give advice ...

 

[slnattak]

WHY DOES EVERYBODY SAY I NEED THERAPY?

What can a therapist do? What good is talking about it? I can talk about it with myself. I don't understand.

I will give it a shot I guess. But I will probably be told how wrong I am and to just get over it. Like the voice inside my head is saying now. What kind of no-man weak little girly fag still talks about his molestation at age 25?

I want to forgive. This person was obviously hurting and bullied too, I found out later this was true. I don't want revenge or money from her, just a peace of spirit.

 

[kissthesky88]

you don't need therapy dude. don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

things like this tend to haunt people for extremely long times. it makes you contemplate your faith in humanity, fear for your safety, bitter because you were subjected to something so horrible at such a young age that most people couldn't even imagine. am i right?

i have a friend who was literally raped by her stepfather on a weekly basis from age 11 to 14. she told me the very first time either of us got drunk as early teenagers. i was mind boggled that this happened, i knew him and couldn't imagine what living like that could have been like for her. i honestly would have killed myself if i was in her situation. yet... 7 years later, she's one of the most well adjusted and loving people i've had the pleasure to stay friends with.

you have to remember that every women is not her. that she probably feels worse about it now than you do. but most importantly: it is NOT your fault that that happened to you. you didn't deserve it. nobody does. but you can either stay mad and bitter or accept it and try to drain the tiniest amount of good that came from this immense evil. that event probably shaped you in a way you've probably never realized. i bet you are incredibly more empathetic and understanding to tragedies because of it.

"i guess i could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world."

 

[StlKj]

you don't need therapy dude. don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous advice. People who are traumatized by sexual abuse do not just get better one day. When it happens to a child, it creates a moment of impact that sends ripples throughout every part of the child's personality. It can hardwire how that child grows up and acts in every kind of relationship. slnattak's issues with being gay, with women, with hating himself--all of these things most likely stem from when that was done to him. This does not just fix itself. Trauma survivors often need to work through the feelings of violation, broken trust, guilt, self-loathing--those are just the feelings they might be aware of. It can adversely affect the kinds of people one is attracted to--it's not uncommon for someone who was victimized at an early age to continue to be attracted to unhealthy relationships or even find themselves attacked or raped at a later age by predators who sense their inability to defend themselves in extreme situations. Many suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which can be seriously debilitating.

You don't need therapy just to "get over it", slnattak--you need it to get through it, and feel healthier about who you are. It's obvious you don't like a great deal about yourself, nor do you understand or embrace the sexual side of yourself. In order for that to happen, you are going to need to unravel these issues with someone who is trained to help you do so. They're not going to tell you how wrong you are in the way you think--they're going to help you understand why you think that way, and how to change it.

 

[kissthesky88]

In order for that to happen, you are going to need to unravel these issues with someone who is trained to help you do so. They're not going to tell you how wrong you are in the way you think--they're going to help you understand why you think that way, and how to change it.

um... yeah you've obviously never been to therapy. that is NOT what they do. maybe for some it's what you THINK they'll do, and it's definitely what you hope they'll do... but it's not.

i speak from years of personal experience dealing with both a psychiatrist and a neurobiologist AS PARENTS (and my father, the neurobiologist graduated SUMMA from stanford medical) . not to mention seeing a psychologist for half my life and majoring in sociology at the collegiate level.

THERAPY IS LITTLE MORE THAN A COPING DEVICE. the only way to fix yourself is to... yup... you got it... fix yourself. believe me... at 25.. the way you're wired and think has basically already been cemented. the only thing an expensive third party who sits there and judges you will at best make you feel a little less lonely (because you'll see all the other disturbed people there are in the waiting room) and at worst it will alienate you and make you feel like you're stupid for bothering and angry because you wasted so much time and money.

life is wayyyy too short to sit down and have a stranger tell you "you're making progress" every week. fuck that.

 

[backpacker]

WHY DOES EVERYBODY SAY I NEED THERAPY?

Because it very obvious that this is a serious issue that is adversely affecting your life. If you could solve it all on your own, you would have done it by now.

What can a therapist do? What good is talking about it? I can talk about it with myself. I don't understand.

You know what the issue is, but you don't know how to resolve it. Therapist are trained to help you resolve issues like these. Don't expect immediate results. It takes some time before you will be comfortable enough to truly open up and then the real progress will begin. Also keep in mind that you need to find a therapist that is a good fit for you. Sometimes people just don't click and it's best to try a different therapist. I think a lot of people who say therapy didn't work for them didn't have a therapist who was a good fit for them.

But I will probably be told how wrong I am and to just get over it. Like the voice inside my head is saying now.

You will not be told you are wrong. The complete opposite will happen. Part of your problem is that you are blaming yourself by saying it's wrong. It's not wrong.

What kind of no-man weak little girly fag still talks about his molestation at age 25?

Many people take until there 30's, 40's or 50's to talk about issues of molestation. No therapist will think you are too old.

I want to forgive. This person was obviously hurting and bullied too, I found out later this was true. I don't want revenge or money from her, just a peace of spirit.

You have a great goal and a therapist will help achieve that goal. Unfortunately the abused often becomes the abuser unless they get professional help to deal with their abuse. It's one more reason you should get help.

While you don't want revenge, you should definitely report the abuser to protect others. Abuser often continuing abusing if they don't get some help. Once they get to the point of having multiple victims, it's sometimes too late to help them. At least you can make people aware that kids shouldn't be entrusted with this person.

I wish you all the best. You are obviously in pain and I think getting some help will make a big difference. Good luck!

 

[rareboy]

Do not listen to kissthesky.

As everyone who is the least bit helpful in this thread have pointed out, therapy is about going through a process and coming out the other side.

Kissthesky is obviously not experienced enough with the trauma of these events to really know what he's talking about.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>WHY DOES EVERYBODY SAY I NEED THERAPY?

For the same reason I tell a guy on fire he needs water.

Lex

 

[tallguy297]

Actually slnattak, kissthesky88 is perfectly correct... 100% in fact... at least in this part of his post...

the only way to fix yourself is to... yup... you got it... fix yourself.

is exactly what you'll have to do.

But without the tools, without the guidance and without the support of someone who can offer you an external point of view, an unbiased point of view and perhaps even challenge your deepset thoughts, then you will struggle forever most likely.

Look mate, a therapist isnt going to wave a magic wand and you'll be fixed. Nor are they going to utter a few words and you'll suddenly find enlightenment - thats not how it works, and if you think that then someone has mislead you.

Therapy is about offering you options, ideas and avenues to see yourself differently. YOU have to do the work. YOU have to have an open mind. And more than anything YOU have to want to move on, to stop using this as an excuse, to stop hiding behind what you think is a reason for you "being the way you are".

And right now your thinking, what would you know right?

Well I can tell you mate, that after living with the fact that I was abused as a child for about 7 years, and denying what I feared was inside of me because of it until my early 30's, I can understand the struggle you are having completely.

The overwhelming guilt, the fear of being the cause of it, the inability to trust others, the denial of your sexuality, the longing for the right person to make it go away... the long nights of breaking down alone, not being able to share this secret with anyone else.

I know slnattak... I and too many others have been there.

And you know something? The people who I admire the most? The people who I marvel at? The people who at 25, or 35 or 45 who have the courage and strength and conviction to say "enough".

The ones who finally stand up and say this has controlled my life for long enough. This has held me back for long enough. This has hurt me for long enough.

Its not pathetic or weak to ask for help mate... its the ultimate sign of strength. Its not lame or sad to admit that somethings are bigger than us - that takes power and courage of the greatest kind.

What is sad is to see a guy who has worth and potential be dragged down and held back by 2 wrong doings in his life.

The first you couldnt control - the actions of someone who should have never abused your trust and made you feel less that the whole valuable person you are.

The second mate, is your struggle to believe in yourself and to have enough faith in yourself to do whatever it takes to make it right.

As kissthesky88 said... you have to fix this, you have to decide to start the process to get your life back. You have to be the one to make the tough choice to show your vulnerablity to someone, to ask your help. No one can force you to do that... thats up to you.

But honestly mate, the unhappiness and confusion in your life right now is as haunting as my own was. It took me a long time to get past it, and it took the wisdom of a couple of incredible people who challenged me and who's insights made me question what I thought I knew about myself. Those people asked me to rethink my perspectives, question myself and to unload some of the wrong thinking that I was carrying around. But I had to do it, as you will have to as well.

And for your sake I hope that you find the strength to reach out to someone who can offer you the chance to learn how to be happy.

 

[Royal Heart]

This sort of pain is difficult to resolve, but it can be resolved. It takes time and it takes work, so you have to really want to deal with it.

You clearly have a lot of anger because you were taken advantage of and you strongly believe you shouldn't have been. This is very understandable. You have expectations of the way things should have been, and things did not turn out that way. Your expectations of what your childhood should have been do not meet up with your reality. From this conflict, great frustration arises.

How do you view your role in what happened? What part did you play in what took place? I'm not trying to imply that it was your fault - far from it. Willing or not, you were a participant, and so you need to begin by examining that. How do you view yourself when you think about this event? Why do you see yourself that way?

 

[StlKj]

With all due respect to kissthesky88, discounting all of therapy in such a hostile way suggests that perhaps you have less of a beef against therapy than you do against parents who might have treated it like a Flintstone vitamin.

slnattak, you won't find a better post than Tallguy's in all of the threads you have created thus far.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[rareboy]

Funny how your previous renditions of your life story are all absent of your "molestation" and how much your "story" has changed repeatedly over the years.

Or to quote your own words of "I'm just a realist. I see people for who they are. Don't troll, you know it's true." (slnattack quote 5/22/09)

Nice work there Molten.

So....slnattack

I believe more than ever that some counselling is needed.

In my opinion, this is like yelling fire in a crowded theatre.

Every thread you start from now on will be viewed in the context of this history.

 

[tallguy297]

Funny how your previous renditions of your life story are all absent of your "molestation" and how much your "story" has changed repeatedly over the years.

Nice work there Molten.

So....slnattack

I believe more than ever that some counselling is needed.

In my opinion, this is like yelling fire in a crowded theatre.

Every thread you start from now on will be viewed in the context of this history.

Hmmm... so whatever happen to the presumption of innocence until proven guilty?

Lets just assume for a moment the op has chosen to reveal something so incredibly deep and personal for the first time. Let assume like most victims of abuse that it takes an enormous amount of courage to finally speak up. Lets assume this might just be the first time hes chosen to reveal some of the cause of his issues.

So what he get for this new information? Whats he get for this new post?

Ridicule?
Doubt?
Persecution?

On what basis? On what grounds? Because this is the first mention of it????

You make a great leap of faith to condemn a guy because this is the first mention of an issue. And personally it appalls me. This is exactly why this is the hardest issue to discuss. Because people are exceeding quick to judge.

Look, the op has a number of threads running... and yes some of his ideas are disturbing. But this recent bout of doubt and the depth of his confusion is pretty much out of character as far as I can tell in the 5 years he has been here, so instead of criticizing perhaps there would be more benefit in asking why.

As I have said previously, the minute we start condemning posters without concrete proof or evidence then we contribute to the problem not help solve it.

And thats not what this place is about.

If I am wrong then I will be happy to admit I was wrong. But until someone can show me this is anything other than legitimate, then thats the way it needs to be handled.

No one has the right to be judge and jury until then.

 

[rareboy]

Posters need to realize that their threads are with us forever.

slnattack may be telling us the darkest, most horrible truth and we're just not good or sensitive enough to help.

That is why many of us continue to recommend counselling.

The 'I ENJOY DRAMA' is a problem, because it and some of the other posts opens a window into the personality of a poster. Like his comments on therapy and mental illness.

I'm not saying that he wasn't molested horribly by his babysitter for years on end.

I'm saying that all of his threads and posts will now be considered in the context of his glib and deprecating comments about the value of therapy as a tool in helping a person to work through issues.

If he has a problem as deep and disturbing as dealing with serial abuse, he wouldn't/shouldn't toss off counselling as lightly as he has. Particularly if, as he says, in another thread, he thinks it made him gay.

So don't accuse me of ridiculing or persecuting the OP.

I've only observed that in context of his other posts, he is absolutely in need of professional counselling over this issue.