Getting Played

[smoothmotion]

I need wise counsel and advise about my relationship. It's long distance and has been in place 6 years. It started out wonderful the 1st year but in 2015 the guy lied and said he couldn't contact me during the summer. I asked this queen to contact the guy online and he did but he conned my man n2 showing him his BBD. That pissed me off for years until I got the dude to block the queen online. The dude could have called me, text me or contact me online but he didn't and this has raised some serious doubts about him sincerely loving me.

So we made up and things would still be bumpy during the summers to follow. This man has said that he loves me, trusts me and cares for me but his actions are not lining up with his words. The 1st time he changed fone #s, he gave me the new #. The 3rd time he got an area code across the USA. Then he said he didn't have a fone (keep in mind he wouldn't contact me online during any of this time). I would flood his email with love letters until I read at the bottom of the email that he'd checked the email with his new fone. I was furious because for 4 year he had this new fone # but reluctantly gave it to me. He snapped when I confronted him about this and didn't want to give me the new fone # with a DC area code.

I explained to him that he was ignoring me, avoiding me and all of that but he would say he wasn't but he wasn't talking to me. He hasn't responded or even looked @ any of my emails and this angered me bcoz we could have been talking on the fone but I didn't know he had a new fone. I think the men that he's screwing are paying for his fone and that's why he's not talking to me on the fone or texting because they're looking @ the fone records. He's claimed my ass as his and told me that his BBD is mine. He's flooded my fone with BBD pics and nude body pics and he loves flashing his BBD to those that don't believe. He's told me upfront that he loves making men sore in the ass and seeing them walking funny for days after he's fucked them.

When I message him online, he avoids and ignores me. He expects me to not get any BBD while he gets to screw those late teens in the ass. I'm 12-years older than him. When I went to visit him for his b-day he told me his other top friend was going to be with him. When I mention about visiting him, he gives me no help and he doesn't talk like he wants me or welcomes me to visit. He's bi-curious and has sexed women and says he wants 2 children.

He's gotten an STI but won't tell me who he got it from. He's told me it's out of his system and he expects dome from me. He's told me that the relationship is not over but he disrespects me and I haven't spoke to him on the fone 4 5 years. When I call him, he says that he doesn't get the fone call and he never calls me. He wants me to buy him draws but I'm not going to do that so he can go fuck other men in what I've bought for him. He does'nt do any thing for me, doesn't appreciate the gifts I've sent him and when I've sent him things in email 4 Valentine's, our anniversary and his bday, he won't acknowledge them. I've told him up front what I want out of the relationship and he never agreed to give me those things.

I feel this man is a player and that I'm being played. What's your wise counsel and advice? What should I do?

 

[KaraBulut]

...I feel this man is a player and that I'm being played. What's your wise counsel and advice? What should I do?

There's several thread on the forum that say things like, "Relationships are work but they're not supposed to feel like work".

This relationship sounds like work. Too much work.

You've invested five years into trying to make it work. It's still not working.

You're not getting younger. Cut your losses. Time to move on.

 

[SeaCore]

I don't think it really matters whether you're being played or not. Let's say you're not. What happens? Do the problems stop being problems? Are your needs suddenly met?

This person has shown that they lack the ability to be there for you in the way that you need them to be. Break up with them. Communication is one of the core foundations of a relationship and it's just not there. You also have some serious trust issues, which sound warranted, this person seems untrustworthy. Lying to you, betraying your boundaries, putting your health at risk. This isn't healthy for you and it seems like a waste of your time.

I think there are some things you need to work through too. I'm a little confused on the monogamy. Being monogamous is fine. But you seem to be interested in having the option of sex outside of the relationship. Can you talk a little bit more about that?
It does seem to me like there are some personal issues you need to work through. I think you need a better understanding of jealousy. Because jealousy isn't healthy. It's a symptom that something is wrong and that some introspection is in order. As well as conversation.

I also think the amount of effort you've put into the relationship is a bit concerning. I do understand trying to give your relationship the chance to succeed. But I also wonder if there are some self-esteem issues here? It does strike me as odd that with the amount of unhappiness and stress that you're dealing with that you wouldn't have decided to leave sooner. I'm concerned that you might feel like you don't deserve better or couldn't find a better relationship.

You mentioned your partner not appreciating gifts. It is worth considering that receiving gifts may not be meaningful to your partner; or to other partners in the future. And that's okay. But it might also be true that because it is meaningful for you to give gifts that you seek out a partner who finds that meaningful too; because that's a form of communication for affection. I put a lot of care into gifts for a similar reason. I actually asked my partner recently what their feelings were on Christmas gifts and what they like and explicitly do not like in a gift.

There's something you said that I think you really do need to acknowledge and keep in mind moving forward; and it's probably going to sting.
You told your partner what you want out of the relationship and your partner didn't agree to give you those things. I don't think it was reasonable for you to expect your partner to be what you wanted when they never even agreed to try to be those things. Just because there was no 'no' doesn't mean your partner consented to giving you what you wanted.
That does seem like a mistake on your part. But mistakes are a part of life and it's okay to have done something wrong as long as you learn from it and move forward.
You might benefit from studying the topic of consent because it doesn't only apply to sex and could help empower you to have better boundaries and expectations.

 

[mcbrion]

The moment I saw the title, I literally backed away from the screen.

Not a fun thing to write, but you should consider he might be sociopathic. 1 in 25 people are (4% of the population) and the fact that he lies, breaks his promises, and doesn't seem to have anything but superficial emotions towards you is enough of a red flag for you to think twice.

Look at the attached article. In fact, most people need to be more aware of who they associate with, because I see guys making excuses for others all the time on here for why things aren't going right. Not a pleasant thing to consider, but at least rule it out, because if you cannot rule it out, you should back away immediately. The scariest thing about sa sociopath is that they posses NO SENSE OF REMORSE FOR HURTING OTHERS.
Is this the case here?


https://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

 

[smoothmotion]

I don't think he's a sociopath. It's a long distance relationship and he hasn't talked 2 me since 2015 on the telephone. Every summer he says he's too busy to talk on the telephone. I called him 1 SUN morning and left a message. Instead of calling me back, he listened to the message and texted me back. He's avoiding me on the telephone and I suspect that his bottoms are paying for his phone because he has a different area code than that of his city. I'm thinking of giving up any way (he doesn't want this) because he's only 7x3 in the penis and this is NOT enough to completely sexually satisfy me. I do catch him online looking for ass to fuck but he will go months w/o texting me because he thinks he can just text me and every thing will b alright. OK, he's not playing me but with 7x3, I dont think I'm losing very much. I can find some 1 locally that's much bigger than him.

 

[KaraBulut]

Too. Much. Work.

 

[TX-Beau]

I don't think he's a sociopath. It's a long distance relationship and he hasn't talked 2 me since 2015 on the telephone. Every summer he says he's too busy to talk on the telephone. I called him 1 SUN morning and left a message. Instead of calling me back, he listened to the message and texted me back. He's avoiding me on the telephone and I suspect that his bottoms are paying for his phone because he has a different area code than that of his city. I'm thinking of giving up any way (he doesn't want this) because he's only 7x3 in the penis and this is NOT enough to completely sexually satisfy me. I do catch him online looking for ass to fuck but he will go months w/o texting me because he thinks he can just text me and every thing will b alright. OK, he's not playing me but with 7x3, I dont think I'm losing very much. I can find some 1 locally that's much bigger than him.

OK, if you haven't spoken with him in 5 years, this isn't a relationship. Plus, you don't sound like you're exactly heartbroken. When was the last time you were in the same room? 2015?

 

[smoothmotion]

I've never been in the same room with him. Did you comprehend what I wrote? No I'm not heart broken because I don't trust people @ all. This is my defense mechanism protecting my feelings/emotions.