getting taken advantage of when drunk/asleep

[iamthesean]

I need to get this off my chest.

I was out on the town last night for one of my best bud's birthday party. It's downtown, so I needed to figure out a place to park and sleep. my ex's bestfriend and him were also invited, and she said to come stay by her, she'd make crepes in the morning, and i could either sleep on the leather sofa, or in the pullout bed with my ex.

i also had a friend coming to the bar that i know wants to bang me, though i think he woulda done any of my friends too..he's kinda hot and slutty, and i was worried i would if i was drunk and had nobody lookin out for me.
well everyone just up and left the bar, and he was one of the only people i knew there still, and all over me, he said to just come stay by him and we'd just cuddle...given my options, not much else to do

i was really drunk, and the night was somewhat blurry, but i remember being creeped out by some guy at the bar who kept like trying to feel me up on the dancefloor :S

well, when we left, it was 4 of us, my friend, 2 of his friends, and THAT GUY!
i figured maybe he was alright, because he was friends with my friend, plus my friend was all over me, so whatever...i felt a little embarrassed about them thinking i might be the 'conquest' of the night.

i was really drunk/tired, so after hanging out for a little, my friend (J), told me to go sleep in the bed he was goin to sleep in, so i did, and just passed out ont he bed...well, in the middle of the night, somebody crept in, and shut the door, and got on top of me, and started making out with me heavily, and taking off my clothes, i assumed it was J, because it was his bed afterall, and we were pretty close earlier...i felt stubble though, and knew he didn't have any...at this point (it happened REALLY fast, and he was really aggressive) the guy had taken off my shirt, and pulled my pants/undies down, and had my dick in his mouth and was fingering my ass...like he was all over the place...and i realized it wasn't j...but that fucking creeper! and i was still really drunk, but was like doing my best to resist, and speak, i said "no!."
and "what the fuck?, i'm not doing this.." it took him a while to stop, and i eventually had to push him off of me, and started putting back on my clothes...

he eventually left, and i went back to sleep. j came into bed in the morning, and i got my cuddles, then we got up, and hung out with his friend int he living room. when the other guy got up (he was upstairs) he pretty much just left, with a quick goodbye to the guy who owned the place...i was too embarassed to tell j about it, especially cuz i didn't wanna bring it up in front of everyone. so i waited til i got home and asked who that guy was, and told him what happened.
j was pissed, and asked why i didn't tell him anything sooner...he said he woulda kicked his ass had he known..which is comforting...though he didn't know that guy
i told him it didn't matter, and i just wanted to get out of that whole situation asap.

and here i am, and the feelings of being violated, and outraged are surfacing...this isn't the first time stuff has happened to me, and i've gotten to the point where i just accept it...but i think that is fucked up....like is this in any way ok? is it more serious than i'm taking it? i'm just glad i wasn't too drunk/out of it to stop it from happening...by the way this guy was going, he probably woulda fucked me had he gotten the chance, and i don't think he would have used protection.

 

[Jerry]

Wow, that guy definitely deserves to have his ass kicked. And if he keeps doing crap like that, he probably will.

I hate it when people try to take advantage of drunk people. Karma's a bitch, that's all I got to say about that.

I'm so sorry this happened to you but I'm glad it didn't go further. He could go to prison for that. And he probably should be there anyway. Apparently he doesn't know how to conduct himself in society

 

[G-Lexington]

If you stay sober (or sober-ish), this sort of thing is a lot less likely to take place. I'm not "blaming the victim", mind you - just telling you to do whatever you can to keep this sort of thing from happening again.

Oh, and if J didn't know this guy, who did? Why was he there?

Lex

 

[StlKj]

You're completely right to be upset about this. You were violated. Now what?

First, stop getting that drunk. You cannot defend yourself well when you're passed out. You did get rid of him, but only after he started victimizing you. You have to stay better in control of yourself.

Next, you say stuff like this has happened before. Without detail, it's hard to say, but people who have been sexually abused/molested/raped can sometimes put out a vibe that predators pick up on. It can also influence you to put yourself into situations where they have a chance to make a move. This does not mean it is your fault--it's not. But it does need to concern you more, because you need to start recognizing dangerous situations sooner, and trust your instincts more about people like him.

If you've never dealt with these situations before, you really should consider seeking professional help. Victims of sexual assault and abuse often do not know how deep the influence of such behaviors can be.

Take care of yourself over the days ahead. Talk about how you feel. Don't minimize your feelings. Seek help. Enlist the aid of your friends when you go out to make sure you stay sober enough to stay in control. And remember--you aren't to blame for what happened, but you do have power to make sure it never happens again.

 

[iamthesean]

Hey, thanks for all the support and advice guys,

as for getting drunk, i said i was at the bar with a great big chunk of my close friends, as well as my ex (we get along pretty well), and his best friend...who were given instructions to not let me wander off. the problem is everyone was really drunk, my ex and his best friend did an every man for themself move, and fucking ditched me. that wasn't cool. but they know i know more than enough people, and my way around to take care of myself. as for my other friends, they told me they saw me with J, and figured i'd just go home with him, and weren't worried...and HE is a decent friend afterall, and I can trust him.

this guy seemed to know the guy who owned the condo. and what he did was completely unprovoked. i didn't talk to him, i didn't even look at him, aside from a possible glare on the dance floor as i THINK he was trying to grope me there.

I have sought help with this before as well. and no, it is not because i always get drunk, or because i'm drinking...when i was younger especially, it was VERY common to just get grabbed, groped, hands shoved down pants, nipples tweaked etc. by girls, guys, older, younger....and yeah, i guess i just give off this vibe of "hey! come touch me" or something :S, my ex girlfriend (when we were 14) was the only one who really knew about it. Hell, i think part of my attraction to boys is towards guys i think could 'protect' me...even though, in a fight, i can hold my own quite well...just seem to be victimized in these kinds of situations.

And when i'm out...i do have to be kinda drunk to be comfortable in a gaybar, and NORMALLY, i'm safe, i'm always with my friends, usually in a group, we have tons of safety protocols, like 'emergency boyfriend protocol' lol, where we have someone to be our 'boyfriend' if we need to get someone away from us


Honestly, the biggest problem with talking about this is, for whatever reason, guys never seem to be the 'victim'...like i'm sure if i were a girl, there'd be a hit out on this guy, and any cop etc would back me up...but even for female rape vicitims, there's still an extensive investigation, and a lot of proof necessary, and its usually more embarassing/traumatic for the victim than anything, and rarely ever ends up with the perpetrator being punished....my experience so far is just people saying "well, you probably liked it anyway" or "whatever, you're a guy. guys like attention", etc. etc.

 

[BlueLantern]

Honestly, the biggest problem with talking about this is, for whatever reason, guys never seem to be the 'victim'...like i'm sure if i were a girl, there'd be a hit out on this guy, and any cop etc would back me up...but even for female rape vicitims, there's still an extensive investigation, and a lot of proof necessary, and its usually more embarassing/traumatic for the victim than anything, and rarely ever ends up with the perpetrator being punished....my experience so far is just people saying "well, you probably liked it anyway" or "whatever, you're a guy. guys like attention", etc. etc.

this kinda of mentality is just sick.

I don't know how I would react, but thiswhole story just makes me mad.

I hope you are well

and that if you can't arrest that guy, you could at least try to banish him out of your circle of friends.

 

[billybob109]

THat guy was a toal ass without a dout but i would not go pointing fingers at people you could of been giving him signs or told him something or passing off drunk signals that you can not recall or remember that would of invited him into your pants.

 

[iamthesean]

THat guy was a toal ass without a dout but i would not go pointing fingers at people you could of been giving him signs or told him something or passing off drunk signals that you can not recall or remember that would of invited him into your pants.

see this is exactly what i'm talking about....people blame the victim. While it is sometimes the case, and a good speculation on the cause of the situation, despite being drunk, I KNOW that i didn't even look at this guy, as he grabbed/groped me from behind on the dance floor. at which point, i jerked myself away, and gave him a dirty look, walked away, and then started getting closer to my friend 'J', who then made out with me and i stuck by the rest of the night.

At the condo, i didn't even look at that guy, didn't talk to him, NOTHING. not even an introduction, which the other guys got. there was NO contact with that guy on my part.

and yes, this kinda stuff makes me sick. and I honestly am sick of it. I think i will be nastier and meaner to people like that from now on. He's thankfully NOT in my circle of friends at all, my friend 'J' doesn't even know him...and 'J' isn't even really in my circle of friends, this was the 2nd time i've seen him all year. the last time being back in june or july.

thanks for the help and support guys...I'm not going through with pushing charges etc...the whole situation is just embarrassing to me, and i'd rather not have to keep dealing with this for over a year (pressing charges, court hearings, proceedings, etc. etc. etc.) it's not worth it.

 

[iamthesean]

hey, i k now this, and this is why i never go to bars alone, and don't usually drink this much...however, it was my friend's party, and i was with a much larger group of friends, as well as my ex/his best friend, who were SUPPOSED to make sure i went home with them...so one of my worst decisions was trusting them...which sucks worse.

 

[USEDCAR]

Stop drinking problem solved

 

[backpacker]

I avoided responding to the post because I didn't want to sound like I was blaming the victim.

First let me say that I'm sorry to hear about the assault. You are truly a victim. Regardless of anything you had done, it's still entirely wrong for that guy to take advantage of you while you were sleeping.

You need to analyze why this types of incidents keep happening to you. To call it a "vibe" makes it sound like something you have no control over. You certainly do have control over the vibe you send out and the way people treat you. The vast majority of guys don't encounter the problems that you repeatedly do.

The other issue that I think people have with your post is that others were suppose to be responsible for you. It's one thing to designate someone to be the designated driver or give you a place to stay, it's another to expect people to babysit you. They are out to have fun, not to babysit. Your ex and his friend may have become tired of your drunken behavior and decided to leave. Nobody should be responsible for your conduct except you.

It's not normal to drink to such excess that you feel someone else must babysit you. That sounds like a serious problem with alcohol to me. You really need to think hard about your behavior and if you need help.

Sorry to be so hard on you. It's obvious from your posts that you just don't get what people are trying to say to you. I wouldn't be surprised if your friends have told you the same things before. In any case, if you don't get it, you run the very real possibility of serious problems in the future. You were fortunate enough to stop the assault this time. You may not be so lucky in the future.

 

[iamthesean]

lol, that's people's solution to everything. and yes, you are right. and no, nobody should be responsible for babysitting me. but it is common courtesy to TELL someone that you're leaving, especially when you came with them, and they're supposed to be staying at your place...like, they left, and i didn't hear from them until they got home. they said they were too drunk.

as for situations like this happening to me: more cases than not have been when i was completely sober, and NOT even in an environment like that.

I've been groped and grabbed at concerts, at the mall, clubs (where i've been sober, and not even dancing), on the bus, various events...walking down the street, in class (a taller black girl stabbed me in the leg with a pen because i wouldn't let her play with my dick in class, and kept pulling her hand out of my pants). i've been with friends, been with girlfriends, boyfriends...it really doesn't matter...this shit has happened to me since puberty. it's gotten to the point that I am used to it, and don't know what is left for me to do about it, and like i said, I don't usually talk about it/am usually just embarassed by it, because there is nobody there to help me, and it's always MY FAULT.


1)i've been sober for all of these
2)i wasn't acting in any way slutty, inviting, or ANYTHING that would indicate that it was what i wanted
3) I now avoid crowds, don't like being touched in general, and don't like going anywhere alone.

Just because one thinks someone else is goodlooking does NOT make it fair game for anyone to just do what they want to them, or mean that you DESERVE their attention so much that you could just take it if you want it. and I think that it is complete and utter bullshit....I also don't think it's fair to blame someone, or expect them to be afraid of showing themselves/taking care of themselves/look good for fear of this happening.

i'm not about to wear a burlap sack and stop showering just to keep people like this away from me.

 

[backpacker]

I think you should seriously consider counseling. What is happening to you isn't normal and doesn't just happen based upon your looks. You are giving off a vibe that makes people think it's OK. You may be flirting without even realizing it. If you want it to stop, you need to change. Get some professional help to teach you how to be in control of the situation.

 

[q45t]

ok I just had to chime in cause this is absurd. Blaming Sean is the typical thing that happens to victims. People have tried that approach with female rape victims for years. She led me on, she put off a vibe, she was dressed x and x a way, she was drunk and wanted it. What FUCKING BULLSHIT.

NO MEANS NO.

Just cause someone is drunk or someone thinks they are putting off a vibe doesn't mean a neandrathal gets a conquest at all costs.

And he needs counseling - ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? That is the most assinine thing I have ever heard.

Blaming the victim is completely unacceptable. It doesn't work as a defense in court when a female is raped and to think that in the gay community to say he was asking for it makes me SICK.

Again folks keep in mind NO MEANS NO, which Sean clearly stated at the start from his initial post. My God people get a grip and blame the animal not the prey!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[iamthesean]

wow, thank you so much q45t!!

it's honestly been reactions like some of the ones posted as to WHY i've never really done anything about it/told anyone, and why soooo many men don't speak up about this sort of thing.

 

[BlueLantern]

I don't think anyone's blaming Sean nor are they giving the jerk that did this to him a free pass.

However, isn't there a lesson to be learned? We can't stop people from doing things like this, but we can put ourselves in situations where it's less likely to happen.

This.

There is never a situation when rape is acceptable, however we have to live with the possibility. Also, about counseling, q45t why do opposed so much o.o?? I think if sean feels that he needs to talk about this with someone he should talk with a professional. It might also help him with orientation on how avoid and how defend himself.

 

[backpacker]

ok I just had to chime in cause this is absurd. Blaming Sean is the typical thing that happens to victims. People have tried that approach with female rape victims for years. She led me on, she put off a vibe, she was dressed x and x a way, she was drunk and wanted it. What FUCKING BULLSHIT.

NO MEANS NO.

Just cause someone is drunk or someone thinks they are putting off a vibe doesn't mean a neandrathal gets a conquest at all costs.

And he needs counseling - ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? That is the most assinine thing I have ever heard.

Blaming the victim is completely unacceptable. It doesn't work as a defense in court when a female is raped and to think that in the gay community to say he was asking for it makes me SICK.

Again folks keep in mind NO MEANS NO, which Sean clearly stated at the start from his initial post. My God people get a grip and blame the animal not the prey!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since I'm the one pressing hardest for counseling, I'll respond to this. If you read my first I made it clear that he's the victim and what happened is not acceptable no matter what he may or may not have done.

If this had been an isolated incident in his life, the responses here would have been far different. The fact that this appears to be a pattern indicates that he needs some help to figure out why things like this keep happening to him. It's not an accident nor is it just that he's good looking. We are trying to help him prevent being a victim again. That's the bottom line.

 

[StlKj]

Vibe does NOT mean flirting. When I used the term "vibe" I was not saying Sean is putting out something intentionally that makes it okay for people to do this. On the contrary--people who find themselves being preyed upon repeatedly don't have any understanding of what kind of energy they are putting out. The energy is not one of "come touch me"--it's more often that the victim is likely to freeze or not respond very assertively. A victim often feels dirty/ashamed/responsible for such attention. It's not unusual to blame one's self, or begin to second-guess one's self because of the unwanted attention. That's actually the very vibe a predator is attracted to--shame, insecurity, learned helplessness.

This bastard knew what he was doing. Like a lion on the hunt, he circled the pack. He watched and sensed which person he would pounce upon. He waited until most of the pack moved on, picked his prey, then made his move. This was not a drunk guy stepping over the line--this was a monster, who has done this before most likely. He will do it again. That's HIS vibe--he does it because he is driven to do it. It's his role. He will violate someone again.

So, yes, Sean, if any of the description above feels like it might describe how you feel when people do this to you, you should seek counseling. People don't usually just start attracting these kinds of people later in life--it's often because of something that happened much earlier to them. I don't know if that's the case here, and it's none of my business. But if it really is an energy you are giving off, it's probably not an easy one for you to just change. And when you begin to isolate yourself from others to avoid it, you might ironically draw such people even more to you, because now they will sense you are worried, unsure, and alone. You need to be able to feel safe.

It's not your fault, Bud, but it is really important that if this is happening, you learn how to handle it.

And while it might be something you just want to forget because of shame and embarrassment, you might consider for a moment that every time this man gets away with his behavior, that makes him more likely to do it again to someone else. He's a monster, and technically, a rapist.

 

[iamthesean]

hey, i appreciate everyone's comments, and suggestions. I give off a lot of energy to begin with...it's not just rapists and predators that are drawn to me, animals, psychics, people with cameras (i've been on tv, in newspapers, music videos...etc...all kinds of random things...) energetically aware people, 'energy entities' or whatever you want to call it, stalkers...LOTS OF THINGS ARE DRAWN TO ME. and not all of it is bad per se.

My mom's called a spiritual healer/energy aware person about this thing in our house, and he asked her about me...having no prior knowledge about me, and said all kinds of things like serious complications at birth, and strange coincidences/stuff about me that even if someone told him anything about me, there should be no way for him to know, or just randomly guess...and told her it was because he can feel me....

needless to say, i have this 'vibe' i give off, and I am aware of it. THIS incident is an example of the downside of it.

and i do have many ways of avoiding and protecting myself from these kinds of situations, and have seen a counsellor about this stuff as well. I do honestly wanna dropkick this guy if i ever see him again, and may just do that.

and its completely off topic, and i don't think it has as much to do with it, but for those of you who believe in that kinda stuff, i've been called an 'indigo child'

 

[BlueLantern]

I really don't believe on all this energy, psychis, indigo stuff >.<

either way, good that you already has seen a counsellor about this stuff earlier, and I hope that you are fine now.

Also, I hope that you manage to dropkick the guy.