Getting things off my back | Straight Guy thoughts

[Minimike20]

Hi Guys

So I have this straight guy problem. (Who doesnt?!)

A few months back, at an event I hosted this great looking guy came over to me for some advice on his car (Yeah I work on cars) and what was meant to be a quote turned into a conversation which ended with an exchange of numbers.

Well, its been call it 7 months since then and we are now the best of friends, in fact he actually works for me now informally (My business is rather informal despite being quite formal and he sort of just got involved and loves it) and we get along extremely well.

Right and here is the problem - I want to have his babies.

I have got to know him incredibly well, we are constantly chatting, constantly together and herein lies the crux of this matter. Everytime I see him my Gaydar faints. My gay friends all think he is gay, hell even my straight friends think he is gay - I think he is gay. And we all know that already this wont end well! My mom describes him as the campest person in the world.

But the guy has had a girlfriend for the last three years, they seem happy and he is a natural flirt. I have sort of pushed the boundaries a bit with him, like getting very close to his crotch area, like touching him on his leg in the car (I drive a Smart Car so its very easy you just keep turning right and Oops!) and he never rebounds or complains... In fact I once got so close even I was like OMG and later asked him about it and his comment was "you my friend and I am comfortable around you so it didnt bother me".

A few months ago I resolved to just appreciating he is straight and not meddling further, which worked well as he seemed to do the same and now it seems like he is back to his tricks... Hinting, suggesting etc.

I am good looking, but lets just say I am a tad podgy so we have this vibe where I constantly joke about his body cos he was an athlete so is well built... When we work on cars he will "warn me" he is about to take his shirt off so I dont do anything stupid but sometimes he lets little things slip... Like today we were at our local embroidery place to approve artwork and I was leaning over and he leant over with his arm and head on my shoulder and body against me... Then literally as he did it he pulled back.. I decided not to react and let it be but he does things like this.

Of course, like every gay guy out there I wanna know whats in his pants, I wouldnt mind having a go but at the same time I appreciate our friendship or rather "flirtationship" and I dont want that to change.

So how the hell do I keep these feelings separate? How the hell do I face this guy every day as a best mate when I would rather be unzipping his jeans?

And lets get something straight here (har har), I have no intention to make a move and I am not asking if I should as I would never do that to a straight guy - I am not one of those guys who thinks only of myself and disregards his feelings for my own so lets be clear on this. If he wants it he can grab it!

Surely I am not the only person in this situation, I know it cant and wont ever happen (even if he was gay he would never tell anyone) but how do you get over a crush as such who you see all day every day... Even more so when he is on his back under a BMW M3 and his jeans go a little low and you get to see a teaser of what his girlfriend gets to enjoy....

There is more to this, stuff I have been told (with proof) of what him and his gf get up to which lets be honest would be more enjoyable with a guy but who am I to judge what gets some guys off.

Am I just being pedantic, overthinking or looking too far into what is just his innocent self? Do I play along in hope or do I set the bar and draw an imaginary line? This has been spinning round and round in my head for weeks now, and I know what to do but I just need to vent it...

Why are straight guys such a temptation?!

Mike

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Mike,

I was wondering if this guy is aware that you are gay. It seems to me that this is the case, but you did not mention this in your posting. And are you single? Have you ever discussed gay topics with him?

Well, the world is full with handsome straight guys, and quite a few of them are cool about gay guys in general and also cool when they feel that gay guys are interested in them. Often (but not always), such guys like girls very much and will have a girlfriend. Such straight guys are totally comfortable about their own sexual orientation (=straight =girls). That's how it is.

Have you ever told him straightforward that he is a handsome guy? Maybe he just likes to flirt with guys and girls as well? Any idea if he also flirts with girls?

 

[jaysizzles]

I'm glad that you decided that you are not making any kind of move on him. He seems to be too good a friend to risk doing something stupid like that. Good friends are hard to come by...so don't screw it up!

I assume he knows you are gay, and he's had plenty of opportunities to make any kind of move on you...and hasn't. Even tho he has a gf, he could be bi and just be happy living with his straight side dominant for his sex/personal life...letting the campy side out because he's secure in his relationship and secure with who he is. But yeah, it's gotta suck being around him and having the flirtatious rapport that you have, and not be able to do anything about it except be frustrated.

I have no real suggestions on how you get over your infatuation with him other than to suggest that you focus on finding a nice single guy of your own to drool over.

 

[Minimike20]

Hi

He is completely aware I am gay, he knew before I even told him. When I met him I was in a relationship of two years but that recently came to an end.

Our conversations are completely open and even go into detail sometimes... He wont talk about sexual things between himself and his girlfriend and despite knowing his little secrets he flat out denies them if I even mention it.

He is a natural flirt - We both tease each other all the time and I know he does the same with girls often getting himself into trouble with the girlfriend.

I just find it entertaining, as at one point his girlfriend was... Well lets just say she wasnt being shy with a mate of mine and pictures and much info was exchanged much to my distaste... I dont wanna go into detail but lets just say he was very sexually frustrated the day after I slept over the first time.

Her words were "I walked into the room and he pushed me up against the wall and went for it like he has never before".

So yeah, I reckon he is just really comfortable with his sexuality and enjoys the attention I give him when he flirts - But of course the optimist in me hopes its more than that - But like I said I wont dare go there.

Struggling to find a balance between just being an awesome friend and being a friend with ulterior motives.

Mike

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Mike,

Thanks for the reply, and good to hear you are an open gay guy . That makes things much less complicated. Maybe he is not straight but bi? Any idea if he had (some) experiences (=sex) with guys? Ever taked about this topic?

But you were partnered when you met for the first time (same like him), so he was aware (like you) that you had a partner. Nothing wrong with some innocent flirting, as long as both are aware that there are some borders and that both are partnered. Right now, the situation has been changed, as you are single again.

Well, he has a girlfriend and I tend to advise you not to make any move to him. It's indeed a tough balance. Finding another boyfriend / partner might be a good solution to change the hope and thoughts from this straight friend towards a gay one.

Have you told him straightforward that you face some 'problems' when he is flirting too obvious with you?

 

[Minimike20]

Thanks for your thoughts mate.

My problem isnt with the flirting, or that he isnt available or even whether he is gay or bi or just plain straight.

We are so open, I mean right now he is joking about me being on Grindr looking for ass (I am not that bad) but you get the idea, I think maybe we are too open (much like gay guys are) and with the attraction I have to him it just causes this mixup of weird emotions as he is a bit camp so its like talking to a gay friend.

I dont want to tell him to stop cos to be honest a part of me enjoys the attention...

Maybe I should withdraw a bit, see how he reacts and take it from there?

Mike

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Mike,

Thanks for the reply. You are right, he is a nice guy who likes flirting with you, and its irrelevant if he is gay/straight/bi or anything in between.

I tend to think that it might be a good idea to consider him as one of your gay friends / your best gay friend. But as one who is committed / partnered, so with a clear border between the do's and the don't. So also no need to tell him to stop with giving you the attention, but maybe tell him that you feel now and then a bit embarassed?

And maybe you are right to withdraw a bit. He will see his behaviour as some sort of innocent flirting (?, am I right?) and he will go home to meet his girlfriend (or meet her during the weekend, whatever), where as you don't go home to meet your boyfriend. So his behaviour (= alot of flirting etc.) is innocent from his point of view (as he has his girlfriend), but it's less innocent for you.

Maybe try to focus less your life around him, and also try to spend enough time with your other friends / relatives etc. So try to avoid that you spend day-in-day out most of your time together with him?

Somehow, this seems a bit a complicated situation.

 

[Rolyo85]

Just want to point out that not every gay guy is craving straight guys, it's unhealthy and smacks of the internalized homophobia stereotype of "straight guys are better". Which they're anything but.

 

[Minimike20]

Just want to point out that not every gay guy is craving straight guys, it's unhealthy and smacks of the internalized homophobia stereotype of "straight guys are better". Which they're anything but.

So I assume you never read past the first line with my tongue in cheek comment?

Nobody has said this, and nobody here is "craving" anyone - And who are you or even we as a community to judge straight guys on their worth?

That there smacks of hypocrisy.

 

[BiMike]

Your friend clearly has Bi tendancies and enjoys flirting with you knowing you are gay and might want to go further. He however has a gf to satisfy his natural instincts but at present you have no similar outlet. It is therefore rather an unequal sort of relationship and must create considerable frustration for you for which any reaction could cause the brekup of your friendship. In my view it is something that could go either of two ways you take it a bit further and it ends in a brekup of your friendship or you back off and has been suggesterd you just treat him as one of your gay friends. I do not think he is treating you as a true friend with his flirting behaviour knowing that you are gay.

 

[Minimike20]

Thanks for the reply Mike.

It is an interesting situation, but to be fair to him I often do stir the pot quite a bit - He does flirt but I have a habit of sort of going with it.

For me, he is the closest friend I have as I have rid myself of people who use being gay as a reason to be different from the rest of society or think they are better - These are people who are your friends only when it suits them.

He had my back throughout the breakup with my ex (cheated on me) and often goes out of his way to do things for me which nobody else has ever done - Thinking about it from this aspect I realise how selfish this post is.

Like I said, I will never make a move - I did test the waters and yeah he did let me really close but already then I wasnt interested in risking it, if he wants to make a move (like another poster previous said) he would have made the move by now.

I have been thinking about this quite a bit and I have come to the conclusion that his girlfriend doesnt satisfy his needs as a person, she is selfish, needy and extremely possessive, but she is attractive as hell (also an athlete) and I guess she gives him a good sexual experience.

It genuinely seems like we are both on polar opposites, he gets the friendship/bromance she no longer gives him from me which is why our friendship is so epic but when he needs to be satisfied she is there. However from my point of view I get what I want from a close friend/buddy without the attached physical connection.

In hindsight I think she is just "convenient" for him, and I know this doesnt paint a pretty picture for those who dont know him.

I think I will withdraw a bit, let things simmer for a bit before either of us does something stupid - The best part is that for all I know this could just be an ordinary straight guy and all of this is just wish for thinking...

I dont want a relationship with him, but my curiosity is killing me!

 

[AngolaZee]

Well you're his boss he's not exactly gonna put you in your place for making advances at him, especially since the employment is informal. He knows where his bread is buttered and in this economy people will go out of their way to please their bosses. I'm not saying he is not attracted to you at all (as you have said he flirts with you a lot), just making you aware of another dimension to this

 

[Seasoned]

Life is about choices. If you're happy with the situation you'll continue things as they are. There's a certain high a person can get from flirting which will cease one an advance is rejected. I think your judgement regarding his girlfriend, that she's not good enough for him, is what's keeping the hope alive that he will make a move on you. In reality no one person can satisfy all our needs and wants. Have you ever noticed how different our friends are from our partners?

It appears that you're ok with things and your question about straight guys and temptation is a bit confusing for me. Has this happened before? I'm wondering why you used the plural. And I'm not sure I'd use the word temptation. I'd find being in the state if temptation on a daily basis unbearable. What's the payoff for you remaining in this state? There must be something about it that you're enjoying.

 

[Rolyo85]

So I assume you never read past the first line with my tongue in cheek comment?

Nobody has said this, and nobody here is "craving" anyone - And who are you or even we as a community to judge straight guys on their worth?

That there smacks of hypocrisy.

I did read it, I just have nothing to say and every confidence that others will give you good advice.

And straight guys aren't better or worse, they just ARE. However, they definitely are an infinitely worse choice for a gay guy to crush on. And I was simply addressing your sweeping statements that this happens to everyone. It doesn't.

 

[AngolaZee]

Update pleeze

 

[Minimike20]

Hi Guys

There is nothing to update really.

I decided against MY best interests to just let things be, to draw the line and just keep things strictly regular.

Has it worked for me? Not at all, do I regret my decision, nope, but there is a part of me that wants to keep digging, keep asking questions and there is a part of me which wishes I could actually act on the flirting (which has decreased big time since my last post) but he has a GF, he is happy with her and if he really had gay tendencies or wanted to act on them chances are it would not be me, I pay his way and he works for me - I wont let it happen.

Seasoned, a member, questioned what sort of "pay-off" I was getting from this and why despite the huge temptation I seem to be okay with it... I have had some time to think about it. The pay-off is that I end up with a friend who is loyal to me and my business, the payoff is that because of his nature I can tell him about the guy I met the night before on a dating site or just talk rubbish. Yeah I enjoy the view, he is gorgeous, he has a great body and its rewarding to work with him in that regard and yes its a temptation, but so is any other gay/straight guy.

So in summary, I didnt go there, I have nothing to regret and there are many fish in the ocean.

Mike