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Getting to know a guy

W

WyvernLord

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So, in the past you guys have been enormously helpful. My apologies for letting my threads die without thanking anyone though. (I definitely read and appreciate the input, but felt a little sheepish after rereading my drunken rants)

Anyway, sober this time (Woo! :-) ), so I won't let it happen again.

Still only out to my 2 best, High School friends, but I've kinda been looking for some incentive to change that, i.e. a guy. Goal is to be out before the end of the year. So where would I look for true love? The completely, not-at-all sex-driven site A4A of course!

I actually did find someone looking for a relationship (but also hookups). So we messaged back and forth for a while, but then he disappeared. Had his full name in his profile though so I figured it wouldn't be that weird to message him on facebook. Would at least show that I was interested in more than nameless, emotionless DL sex.

For the past 2 weeks we've kinda just been shooting the breeze. Averaging maybe 1 FB message a day. He suggested drinking together so I gave him my number and said I was down anytime. Though we've continued to chat on FB, he's never texted or called me, so I still don't have his number.

I'm starting to feel like our conversations are getting a bit stagnant, but I'm hoping it's not lack of interest on his end. It's clear I'm closeted, so maybe he just doesn't think this could go anywhere? That if we were ever to actually meet in public I would be embarrassed by him and/or ignore him? :confused: I really want him to know though that if nothing else, and even if I make no effort to come out, I still want to be friends with him. I could use some gay friends at school. And I wouldn't give a second thought to him joining the rest of my friends in hanging out either. If they jump to conclusions, well, it would just save me trouble down the line anyway. They're mostly an accepting group, but it'd still be nice to see how they react to him. I admire the courage he has to be so fully out and I would never ask him to change that on my account.

So I was thinking about just asking him to join me for lunch. Early enough to avoid date connotations and sexual tension (I hope), and public enough to show that I'm not that consumed with what conclusions people draw about me. ;)

Is this a good plan? Or should I leave it alone and take the lack of phone contact as a lack of interest? Either way, I'm probably going to end up seeing him in the Fall when I force myself to join my university's Gay Club thing, so I'd rather it not be awkward. :-)
 
Yeah just do it, ask him to hang out this next week, be pro-active.

If he turns you down then you'll know it was mostly one sided. But either way at least you'll know and can get on with life.
 
If you want to start a relationship/friendship/whatever with him, you have to be persistent. You have to pursue him. Invite him out to lunch or dinner. Tell him, "lunch is on me!" to give him a reason to say yes...because everyone loves free stuff.

If he turns you down by saying something like "I can't next weekend" then you tell him, "How about next week after work?" Be persistent. If he continues to decline your invitation, then you know he's not interested. In this case, you should move on to someone else.
 
Well, if a closeted guy I didn't really know was sending me messages I'd probably be polite - but I wouldn't put much faith in his sticking around. Is that his issue - I don't know, but it's something to consider.

You aren't in a position to get into a relationship with anyone while you're in it. I suspect that if you want to be friends that's distinctly possible if you make that clear and put in the effort.
 
Hmmm. What if you told him what you just told us? Open, honest communication can be very effective--and much more accurate than mind-reading.

Besides, if he's given you enough information about himself for you to find him, he's already shown that he prefers to be open and honest. Reciprocate and see what happens.

And, yeah, offer to buy lunch. It's just polite.

ned
 
Ask him out. There are only two possible outcomes.
 
TX-Beau said:
Well, if a closeted guy I didn't really know was sending me messages I'd probably be polite - but I wouldn't put much faith in his sticking around. Is that his issue - I don't know, but it's something to consider.

You aren't in a position to get into a relationship with anyone while you're in it. I suspect that if you want to be friends that's distinctly possible if you make that clear and put in the effort.
Click to expand...

Absolutely. I'm sure this is on his mind. Just gotta figure out the right time & way to say "Hey, by the way, I don't know if you've had this problem before, but I don't intend for you to be my dirty little secret. I'm already on the verge of coming out."

neditesjamais said:
Hmmm. What if you told him what you just told us? Open, honest communication can be very effective--and much more accurate than mind-reading.

Besides, if he's given you enough information about himself for you to find him, he's already shown that he prefers to be open and honest. Reciprocate and see what happens.

And, yeah, offer to buy lunch. It's just polite.
Click to expand...

Yeah, it's tough though. Opening up so much to a guy I've never met. And I don't want to come on too strong. Talking about our "relationship" or "future." Ha!

But okay. I'll do it! I'll go ahead and ask him out, as friends at least. I definitely want to keep that fallback option available if there isn't any actual romantic chemistry.
 
Since I'm sure you all are following this with bated breath, I thought I'd give an update.

Finally got to meet him yesterday. :-) He brought his friends, I brought mine. Things weren't awkward at all like I had been afraid.

He's actually a little more feminine than I had expected. I'd always thought I wouldn't be into guys like that, but ya know, it really didn't matter. He's still a really great guy. That'll show me for being so judgmental!

It was really interesting to see how openly he spoke about his sexuality too. Apparently he hasn't even been out that long. But talking about it really wasn't a big deal--not to his straight friends, or to my (female) friend. Next time I'll bring some of my guy friends and we'll see how it goes. Guess I'm kinda using him as my guinea pig. I hope he doesn't mind. :badgrin:. But that's just what I need right now. To see that I can easily transition from one "normal" to a new "normal."

It's funny, after I got home he sent me a text thanking me for a good time. Heh heh, almost like it was a date or something. Maybe this could go somewhere...
 
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