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Give up and move on?

Appleman34

Appleman34

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There's a fella that I've liked for quite some time now. When I first met him, I knew he was gay, but didn't really think twice about it or care. I literally just said to myself, "Oh cool, I won't be the only gay guy in this class." About 3 months later he started talking to me and reaching out to be my friend (We have a lot of mutual friends so that was probably a reason why). At this point, now that I got to know him, I started to really like him.... really like him. A bit more time passed of us getting to know each other and I decided I was going to ask him out and take things further. I talked to one of our mutual friends about him first to kinda test the waters, and she said, "He's not gay. He used to have a girlfriend."

He is really feminine, so I thought for sure he was. And just some of the things he says about men are... well, gay. But whatever, I figured there was nothing I could do. If he is, he'll come out when he wants, if he isn't, I'll move on. So I did. I got a boyfriend about a month later. The boyfriend I got just so happened to be close friends with the same guy (we have A LOT of mutual friends) I stopped talking to that guy just out of respect for my boyfriend, likewise, he stopped talking to me. Fast forward a few more months, he comes up to me and says, "So I heard something about you... I hear you're dating my friend." I confirmed, and he said, "I didn't even know you were gay!" After that we got close again and he seemed way more interested in me than before, but I kept it friendly because I still had a boyfriend.

After we graduated (High School), another one of our mutual friends told me that he came out to her. She told me that she said to him, "Cool, my friend had a crush on you." He said, "Is it (my name)?" She said she wouldn't tell him, (which I wish she did). Then he told her not to tell me that he's gay. Now that I know he's gay, I wanted to connect with him again. Lately we've been talking, texting, hanging out, going out to see movies and stuff like that. We even talked about taking a road trip to New York together. I'm not supposed to know that he's gay (I can't tell him that our friend told me) so I'm trying to get close enough to where he feels comfortable enough to come out to me himself. I don't seem to be making much progress though. He keeps using that annoying "No homo" thing and he still says that he's straight. I feel initiating it (asking "are you gay?) would scare him off since he's obviously so deep in the closet. Do I give up and move on? I know there are plenty of fish in the sea... but I kinda like this fish, ya know... :)
 
The first thing that comes to mind....fasten your seat belt...its gonna be a bumpy ride.

Translation...while he is coming to terms with his sexuality...you might get caught in the crossfire. Maybe not...it could be fast and easy...but the possiblity exists.

I think it you understand this ahead of time and have your eyes wide open and understand that he may not be ready...then go for it. He may be THE ONE for you and in that case a little bit of effort (or maybe a lot) would be worth it.

I would hold off letting him know you know he said he was gay....better it come from him personally.
 
Your mutual friend did a horribly unfriendly thing. Nobody's coming out should be a gossip topic, ESPECIALLY if the person asked for it to be kept a secret. It's a betrayal of trust.

And the whole "I'm dating, so I am going to ignore other gay people" is not how you keep friends.

Other than that, I'd stay away from him until he figures it out. Obviously he's not ready to be fully out yet, which means he is nowhere near ready to date either.
 
Rolyo85 said:
Your mutual friend did a horribly unfriendly thing. Nobody's coming out should be a gossip topic, ESPECIALLY if the person asked for it to be kept a secret. It's a betrayal of trust.

And the whole "I'm dating, so I am going to ignore other gay people" is not how you keep friends.

Other than that, I'd stay away from him until he figures it out. Obviously he's not ready to be fully out yet, which means he is nowhere near ready to date either.
Click to expand...

It wasn't like that. I still talked to him but we weren't as close. And my boyfriend at the time knew I used to have a crush on him and I could tell he didn't like how close we were, so I toned it down a bit.
 
Well aren't you on the horns of a dilemma.

If he doesn't want you to know he's a homo, then there isn't really anything you can do about it until he tells you.

You could tell him that you've had feelings for him for some time and see what he says.

Or you could tell him that the person he came out to spilled the beans and that you so desperately want it to be true.

Or you could just jump his bone sometime when you've had a drink or toke or two and are feeling mellow.

Good luck.
 
^I agree. Life is short.
 
I don't agree.

Look if he's still in the closet, love of you obviously didn't pull him out of it. SO what do you think will happen if you make a declaration of everything he's hiding from.

He knows you are gay right? SO be a support and friend and date other guys until he's dealt with his issues, start with "no homo," every time he says that, say something. It's offensive.

Who knows, at some point down the line you might end up together, but he's in no position to date anyone until he can be honest with himself and everyone else.
 
Appleman34 said:
... and he still says that he's straight. I feel initiating it (asking "are you gay?) would scare him off since he's obviously so deep in the closet. Do I give up and move on? I know there are plenty of fish in the sea... but I kinda like this fish, ya know... :)
Click to expand...

There's another fish saying- "Sometimes you have to throw back the little fish and let them grow".

He's not ready to be honest with you, with himself, so he's not dating material.
 
Appleman34 said:
I know there are plenty of fish in the sea... but I kinda like this fish, ya know... :)
Click to expand...
How he calls himself is irrelevant, what counts is what he desperately wants to do. This feminine young man depends on your audacity! Actions speak louder than words, create facts on the ground. HUG HIM, KISS HIM, and only then surprise him with your declaration of affection. What an exciting Christmas gift! Carpe diem.
 
Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it :)

I agree that he isn't ready. I also think that if he did want to date me, I'd probably be his little secret, and I wouldn't want that. I think the thing keeping me from moving on is wanting closure. Every time I talk myself into moving on I start to think... "Wait, what if he really likes you? You just have to give him time! Don't give up yet!" If I knew he didn't like me, I could get over it and move on. It's the "what if" that's bothering me.
 
That's why I suggested you do something about it, make a move or let it go. How long is it ok for you to wait and wonder?
 
He came out to me! I'm so proud and happy!

We were hanging out and he just started saying "ohh that guy's cute... this guy over here is hot!" and I was like... "So you're gay, right?" and he just said "yeah..." I didn't wanna annoy him with questions or pour my feelings out to him just yet... on paper it seemed like the right time, but we were in a crowded area and he looked like he was just getting used to being open about it.

Anyways, we just spent the most of the day checking out guys and talking about what kind of guys we like... but based on what he was saying, I don't seem like his type :/ (physically at least). There was this tall... extremely sexy... white guy that came up to us to ask a question, and he just went on and on and on for the rest of the day about how sexy he was. Needless to say... I was jealous.. got a little insecure even. I felt like I got "friendzoned"...

I don't know..... maybe I'm overreacting. On the positive side, he came out to me after only knowing me for about 2 years! He still hasn't told most of his friends that he's known all his life... or any of his family. And he really enjoys my company and hanging out with me! I might just have a chance... Time to make my move now...
 
Yep, make your move. What's the worst that could happen? You two stay as friends. No harms done.
 
FMH said:
I think u should just tell him how u feel about him tbh. Who knows, it may encourage him to tell u. I don't know. If u like him but he's not coming out to u, what do u have to lose?

A friendship as is with u bottling up ur feelings and knowing his secret is gonna only make things increasingly awkward as it is.

Good luck.
Click to expand...

lol... I'm guessing you didn't read the post before yours
 
sounds like if it were to get intimate...like one of the posters said...buckle your seatbelt...sounds like this guy is not comfortable with being or out. Good luck!
 
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