Giving up on a real/gay life...?

[dmhead]

Feedback is important for me if you have something constructive to say. This is stuff I haven't and won't tell anyone in real life. I'll start with some background: I am 22, in the closet, been "shut down" for years now. I haven't had an easy life (tried to ex-gay myself because I was scared to go to hell, put up a cover during years that are supposed to be fun, was bullied, too much to list) and staying in the closet for so long just added to it, now I feel empty and my life is unbelievably pointless. Not even my loved ones are happy. It's a big negative cycle.

I've had many issues with being gay, but I used to try and push myself and meet new people, get out there. Even though it left me feeling suicidal more than once, I was trying. Now as my little brother is growing up it's starting to scare me that he'll end up like me. He watches stuff like Hannah Montana, he's the sensitive kid with the good heart, the one other kids sometimes pick on, etc. Him turning out to be like me is my biggest fear. Not just because I know how hard it gets, but because I know it's not something I can live with. I might be just paranoid about him. But I feel like until I know for sure he's straight I can't move on with my life. Completely serious. That, to me, is like a sign from God telling me there is no chance I can allow myself to be out and proud.

People say you should only think about yourself when it comes to life decisions, but my parents are part of my life. I won't be able to live with myself knowing they have two gay kids when their lives already suck. Even if you're not a homophobe, it's not fun to hear you won't have grandkids. It's not fun to know your kids are a discriminated against minority. It's not fun when your biggest hope (your kids) also disappoint you. I don't mind being the one "failure" in the family anymore. Even though I'm not looking forward to the future as a gay man at all, it's something I can handle at least in theory. But if my fears are true, that is it for me. Useless existence. I don't have time to wait until my brother hits puberty though.

I feel like I'm wasting my life, but hey...even suicide is "wrong". So all I can is suck it up and wait. Maybe I'll have a fake arrangement with a lesbian. I have no clue at all where I'm headed. I'm not going to kill myself but I just wish I was never even born at all. I have so much stress in my life and zero fun, I'm always on edge, I don't even soclialize well anymore. I don't feel like I belong in any group so I'm always the outsider no matter where I am.

I am posting this and I don't even know why. My mind is set about living a false life until I know for sure I have nothing to worry about. I guess I'm just interested in some feedback because I'm the only one who knows what's going on inside my head and it's driving me crazy. I have no one to talk to but this place.

 

[hotatlboi]

I don't mind being the one "failure" in the family anymore.

As long as you feel that you are a failure, and that your parents comfort level with having a son that fits into their limited worldview is more important than your happiness, you will have issues.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

http://www.gaychristians.org/

http://christiangays.com/

http://www.gaychristianonline.org/

Dmhead, I hear where you are and I feel for you. I implore you to do some reading, and reach out to Christians like yourself who are in the same situation. The links that I have supplied above will give you resources and community to hopefully help you. You are not alone.

 

[Seasoned]

You now have some resources to explore. You also have the possibility of treatment if you suffer from depression. Whether you want to believe it or not, gay is the other normal. There is even some research to suggest that the presence of a male fetus in some women creates a hormonal phenomenon creating a gay child. How lesbians are explained I don't know, but, whatever the reason or cause you didn't create it and you can't cure it. You also didn't invent it and it does seem to run in families. I have a gay brother.

Besides being gay, I'm also a parent and I can tell you that my children are not responsible for my happiness. I'm more concerned with theirs and I am quite concerned with yours. I read my daughter the riot act when she told me that she and her husband better hurry and have kids because she knew I wanted to be a grandfather and she's approaching her mid-30s. I can't tell you how fast I read her the riot act.

Gay guys have kids these days. Straight couples remain childless.

I'm concerned that you are not living in the present and that you worry about your brother and parents yet mention suicide. That's screaming fire in a theater. If those thoughts come again you need immediate help. Research to find a suicide helpline. Find a therapist now. And be prepared to tell your parents or a hospital emergency receptionist that you are suicidal if those thoughts take over.

Let's say your bother is gay, but even if he's not he looks up to you. Try to show him the way to self confidence no matter who he is. And if he's straight and has kids, those kids deserve a caring uncle.

Welcome to JUB. Keep us posted even if it's by private message to someone. We want you mentally fit to take your rightful place in society.

 

[lambdaboy]

If you decide to live a lie you will hurt more than your parents. You will end up possibly married and eventually your wife will know and you will have ruined her life.

We live on this earth such a short time to decide to lie to ourselves is sad.

I came out when I was 30 and had been married for 8 years and have two sons. My partner and I are both respected as dads and my exwife is a good friend.

When I came out ot my mother at the same time I left my wife. She said it was never discussed when she was young no one talked about homoseuality, and all I had to do was support my children and as far as she was concerned my partner was a son in law.

I have one str8 brother and a gay sister and brother and My mother did not cut her wrists. In fact she said I feel sad that they did not have the nerve to be honest with me because I have always known.

If God comes into the equation and you believe in God Trust me She made you the way you are!.

SO live a lie or get a hair in your ass and come out if not screaming then at least to yourself and loved ones.

Anyone who does not love you after you come out never did in the first place.

 

[greyhorse]

You are not alone Dmhead - you have community support here and thanks to Halifax some other resources. It is hard to live this life when you are unable to be yourself - and that is (I think) the first and most important thing you must do for yourself, particularly at this stage of your life. You should not preempt what your brother's situation may be - let it be and let it happen as it will. Take care of your own state and status first and then you will able to help your brother if such help is needed at some stage in the future. Just be there for him and hopefully he will appreciate that at the time. It is hard living the way you want when as you say you dont seem to fit in anywhere - try to find some friends you can at least socialise with so you can get your head out of confining thoughts - go join a sporting club of some sort - or some other organisation that will take you out of your self at least for part of your time - it will help. We feel for your situation and wish you well with your situation and hope you can work your way through it. All the best. Warmest regards, G Feel free to chat privately if you wish. Stay well.

 

[rjmrjm21]

I don't know, dude, family can be a touchy subject. Knowing how much shit that gays must endure for being gay, I would not lead your lil brother toward the gay lifestyle. I'm there for my younger cousins and stuff but I don't promote my gayness around them. Let them make their own decisions and if they come to you for guidance, then, be there.

 

[PLM2012]

I've had many issues with being gay, but I used to try and push myself and meet new people, get out there. Even though it left me feeling suicidal more than once, I was trying. Now as my little brother is growing up it's starting to scare me that he'll end up like me. He watches stuff like Hannah Montana, he's the sensitive kid with the good heart, the one other kids sometimes pick on, etc. Him turning out to be like me is my biggest fear. Not just because I know how hard it gets, but because I know it's not something I can live with. I might be just paranoid about him. But I feel like until I know for sure he's straight I can't move on with my life. Completely serious. That, to me, is like a sign from God telling me there is no chance I can allow myself to be out and proud.

People say you should only think about yourself when it comes to life decisions, but my parents are part of my life. I won't be able to live with myself knowing they have two gay kids when their lives already suck. Even if you're not a homophobe, it's not fun to hear you won't have grandkids. It's not fun to know your kids are a discriminated against minority. It's not fun when your biggest hope (your kids) also disappoint you. I don't mind being the one "failure" in the family anymore. Even though I'm not looking forward to the future as a gay man at all, it's something I can handle at least in theory. But if my fears are true, that is it for me. Useless existence. I don't have time to wait until my brother hits puberty though.

Hey man,

I think you have some misconceptions about some things. You said (title) you are giving up on a "real/gay life", and I don't believe in something like that. You live your own life, it is what you make of it. I know it's overdone, but it's true.

It's very understandable that you don't want to let your parents down. But imagine if you were happy beyond your wildest dreams, living the life you want to, working and supporting people (as mentioned above, yes, you can have a family), volunteering to help people with more needs, and being a respected person in society. Do you think your parents would hold the fact that you were gay against you THAT much? You can do so much to make them proud - don't think that one thing makes you a failure. What they probably want most for you is for you to simply be happy.

Please don't think that because you are gay you are a useless existence. You have the power to make your existence positive on other people in so many different ways. I would suggest finding something that you are passionate about that gives you the feeling of meaning and accomplishment. As I mentioned above, maybe volunteering for a homeless shelter, working at the humane society if you like animals, mentoring younger kids if you like kids, anything that makes you feel that you are having a good impact on other people. It's a very rewarding experience, and it sounds like something you may be missing in your life.

Don't look at yourself in such a negative light! I'm sure you are a wonderful person, and you hold in your very own hands your own destiny. Just remember, this moment in time right now, all the hardships you are enduring, will make you a stronger person in the future. From any hard time comes an intangible lesson that you will be able to hold with you for the rest of your life.

As far as your brother goes, let him be him. I'm a true believer that you are who you are, you can't change anything about it. Be an outlet for him if he needs someone to talk to, start when he's young and gain his trust and treat him well so if he's ever in a time of need, he knows he'll be able to go to you with anything. I really think that's the best thing you could do for him.

Good luck in discovering yourself, and I hope the future holds nothing but happiness for you.