Giving up on getting hard?

[chrisdobro]

I am gay. Little doubt there. But, as of a while now, guys, when I am with them, do not get my dick hard. Doesn't matter how hot or how desirable the guys are or how much I have anticipated them. I do not get hard in anticipation, I do not get hard during play. Recently I do not even get off in the end. I get myself off later, usually by myself.

I often wake up with a hardon. I jack off 2-3 times a week or so. The equipment works fine. My testosterone level as checked twice by urologists is fine. Viagra does not help, but I have tried it only 2-3 times, so that's not conclusive. I am thinking that it must be my mind that does not allow me to connect, focus, relax, let things happen, and get off.

Most of the time guys I get with don't "notice" and do not comment on this, but some do, and depending on the guy and connection with the guy, I tell them more or less, truth or some made up stuff. Like I told one guy I just like to stay horny and not get off, which sometimes is true, but not all the time! Told another guy my trials and tribulations about staying soft, like I am doing here in a way, and that was wasted on him, he just wanted to get off and leave.

Mostly I feel it is my issue, but still it takes two to have sex, so maybe my partners are partially responsible, in a sense, but not really. I mean, I think having an experienced partner genuinely interested in getting me off will help me. My partners have been mostly guys younger than me, who have in it their head that they want to get off, and they have little to no concept on how to get another guy off, especially if that other guy (me) has some difficulties in connecting sexually to another guy. So it does not happen for me.

I still get desires to suck on guys, have them play with me and my body, make love to each other, even though I remain seriously soft, as in not even a half hardon, not even a quarter hardon, like soft soft soft soft.

Bums me out as I know that guys like to suck on hard cocks, and I cannot deliver. I cannot top with an issue like this or I would. So even though I consider myself versatile, I can only really bottom.

It always surprised me that no matter what guy I was with, they all got hard, usually in anticipation (aka they were hard before the pants came off!) I just stayed soft. There were 2-3 guys who were not always hard, but one had circulatory problem which was cured by Viagra, another got hard when I sucked him, and don't recall others at the moment. All other guys and I've met quite a few, were hard, rock hard, before the pants even came off. And if they weren't, they quickly got hard shortly after the play began.

I've had different advices, ranging from "not talking about the issue", to "viagra" to visiting 2 or 3 urologists. Neither worked so far, so I might as well start "talking about it", and I have been here and there. But this is not the first time, so I think now I should just know I am not going to get hard and not expect anything out of my dick. Just enjoy the guys with my dick being soft, and go on like that. I kind of do not see another outlet. I mean I can keep trying stuff and there are some things I could still try, but I think trying harder may not necessarily do much for me but frustrate me. Not trying, not noticing, or avoiding it, hasn't been doing much either. Maybe I am doing it wrong. So very very wrong and I don't see it and I can't describe it to you properly because I can't see what I am doing. Kind of wish there was a theraputic sex-ed weekend where I can be observed, or something.

So here I am, giving up on being hard, when I am with guys.

 

[chrisdobro]

By giving up by the way I think I want to quit trying to get hard, quit trying to give much attention to my dick, ignore what my partners may think, and instead put my attention on the play instead. And if someone asks "why not hard"? I may say "oh yah what's up with that, let's give you some more attention" and move on. I still enjoy guys and can enjoy them hard or soft. The rest should work itself out.

 

[Scealle]

Do you get hard when you saw females or str8 porn? Maybe it's a mind thing. I haven't hookup yet but I don't quite easily get hard unless when I know I am in a private place. I pass by the pool quite often, and there are a lot of hot guys with great body. Even though I do get turned on, I have this weird guilt/conscious to not get instant hard ons in public.

 

[sixthson]

It does sound like a mind game, since you have been checked by more than one MD. I assume you use porn when you masturbate? Is it possible you are more aroused visually i.e. porn, than through the sex act? Perhaps you have conditioned your dick to get stimulated only when watching sex movies. Have you tried watching porn while having sex? Or start sex by porn and masturbation together. See what happens with that.
One things is sure, the more you worry about it, the worse it gets.

Also, if these are random hookups, perhaps that is the problem.

 

[Benvolio]

Do you fantasize while watching porn, or masturbating, but not in person? What do you fantasize about that is missing in personal encounters? In another thread you mention playing master. Is that becoming a fetish for you, without which you do not get hard?
Obviously you should try to stop masturbating for as long as possible prior to meeting someone.

 

[medic1]

You said it so well yourself , "there are still avenues to explore" , talking about it can be such a great help , not just with some sort of Counciling , even talking with "close" friends can help .

From reading a lot of your posts you come across as an adventurous bloke , perhaps one of the problems may stem from your fear of hurting or dissapointing a partner ? .

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Reading your past posts, it seems you like to do the anonymous hookup. Easier when you're young and horny all the time, but maybe now you're needing more of an emotional connection with guys than pure physical attraction.

 

[chrisdobro]

yeah I do need more of an emotional connection.

Straight porn can get me off but not typically my choice of porn. I rarely go to it, and often it is more so "unusual" porn to me, which gets me off. One thing though, seeing a girl rimming a guy gets me off. It's like totally unmentionable

Yeah I am adventurous, and I do hookups. I am no longer 18&horny all the time, but I am still horny enough to jack off.
Perhaps I have conditioned myself to impersonal sex. I do not allow myself hmmm.. to emotionally connect with the person. Maybe that is the reason.

For the young dudes, they are probably not as jaded and are fresh and new at this so they experience a higher high and it is connected to their dick.

For me, it kind of became "just sex" maybe, and I want a little more, and that's harder to find. And especially when the partner does not care about me (cares more about them getting off for example), I feel it and my body just shuts off, even though my mind still wants it.

 

[chrisdobro]

I think I realized something when talking to a friend.

I have been getting guys off, before I get off myself. When they get off, they lose interest in me, and they leave. And I am left with my self still horny. And frustrated. When it was pointed out to me it burned like hell still burns. There are perks to staying horny like that, as I can meet more guys that way - maintain my interest, that is still be horny, but that way I do not get off.

I need to have the guy get me off first, and have me not get them off until they do so. And if they can't, I will not help them get off. They can leave if they like.

It pains and sorrows me as to how many guys I let take advantage of me this way, where I let them do that, when I got them off and they would not return the favor, or even ask if I wanted to get off back and just leave. There were very very few guys who ever offered to get me off.

In the end, I do not seem to connect with guys, and that's why I can get them off and they cannot get me off. And they leave happy while I am left unsatisfied. And I seemed to have accepted this as the norm. I almost feel like a hooker who does not get paid. So very sad. It especially burns when guys cum and I ask the guys to get me off and they are plainly not interested. It burns. At the number of guys I had done that with. And I keep letting guys do that. Like 5 guys I can think of now and this is sad. It's like they were only interested in me to get themselves off and then they do not care. I think I am that one "idiot" who would get another guy off, even if I already came myself. I would not just leave. I would at least ask if they wanted to get off before just leaving.

Anyway, I am putting my focus on having guys get me off before they cum themselves.

I will see how that works for me. It will force me to help them get me off, and it will force me to connect with guys more emotionally. And, maybe, I will learn something.

 

[skinIsIn]

Stop jacking off so much...save it for your hook-ups and tell them from the get-go; you are of course going to get them off and blow their minds, but first you're going to relax and get them to help you come first!

 

[Benvolio]

You mentioned it is is "unusual" porn which gets you off. Could you be more specific. It sounds like a fetish. Dominance or submission, perhaps. It might be the key to your problem.