GL - Archived Blog Posts

[GL]

You say "Hold on to the reigns"
I say "Let them go tonight"
My brain waves
Confused between what is and ain't
She cries "Groundless and free"
.
Tired of the water
Tired of the wine
Tired of the future
Tired of time
Tired of the madness
Tired of the steel
Tired of the violence
Tired of me
.
Used steel
Used steel am I
What was pliable in love
Is now hard and crystallized
The intellect is fine
For counting money
And recalling times
That she cried,
"Groundless and free"
.
Hope is a letter that never arrives
Delivered by the postman of my fear

 

[GL]

So I was having breakfast at my usual place, a little taqueria not too far from here. I sat down at my usual table with my morning paper and the waitress comes up to take my order. She’s a nice, pretty girl and has been working here for as long as I can remember. Anyhow, she takes my order and comes back shortly with my coffee. After a little bit she brings my breakfast to the table.

In the middle of my meal I look up from my paper and look around the dinning room to see if there are any cute guys that I missed. Something I do frequently as there seems to be a steady supply of those at this place. As my gaze turns over to the open prep area where the wait staff picks up the orders from the kitchen and grabs the drinks I make eye contact with my waitress. Who is now looking at me with that “look.” The look that tells me she is interested in me.

I smile back at her because honestly I didn’t know what else to do. I go back to my meal and my paper. After that, with every pass she made by my table she either taps the chair next to mine with her nails or the table itself just to remind me that she’s there.

You know if I was straight I would be thrilled because this isn’t the first time that a woman has shown an interest in me. I guess I should be thankful that those women in the past have been very pretty and nice, but instead I find it to be… frustrating. I can’t understand why I can somehow attract women but I cannot garner a man’s interest. I must be doing something wrong here or I am simply the most unsuccessful gay man on the planet. Maybe it’s both.

 

[GL]

This is for all you kind souls who I made worry... I apologize for the abruptness of my leaving as I did and in retrospect I should have just left everything, as it was, my profile and all. Needless to say I was sort of on a downer.

I’ve decided that I just need to take a break and enjoy life outside of the boards. I don’t know how long that will be but I’m not going to worry about that. I’m disabling the PM functions on my membership not because I don’t want to hear from you all, but I don’t like thinking that you’ve all left messages that will go unanswered. Centexfarmer and I are still planning on the JUB Meet, both the mini next month and the big one in September. I hope that I will see some of you all there.

So, this isn’t “goodbye” per se, but really more like “I’ll see you around.” You all take care of yourselves.

D.

 

[GL]

Mother protect me, protect me from myself
Lately I can't tell, who really are my friends
Burning the candle, the candle at both ends
Through crowds, across floors
Each night I just pretend

When the heart rules the mind
One look and love is blind
When you want the dream to last
Take a chance forget the past

Watching the actor, that takes the stage by storm
Stealing the limelight, while we're in the wings
Sometimes the hero, must play the underdog
But I don't feel the same
I must have everything

When the heart rules the mind
One look and love is blind
When you want the dream to last
Take a chance forget the past

Seasons will change
You must move on
Follow your dream

 

[GL]

I just had the oddest dream.

I dreamt that I was back home in the small town I grew up at. I was standing at the corner where my old barber shop stood (which is now derelict and abandoned) in the middle of the poorest part of my hometown.

I had found at my feet the injured form of a little, baby tan colored fox with blue green colored eyes. I picked him up and began walking up and down the block looking for someone who could help me nurse the little animal back to health. He never squirmed or made any action to escape, rather he just rested in my hands and would look at me expectantly.

I continued to look for help but everyone would turn me, and my little charge away telling me in Spanish that he was bad luck and would ruin me.

And then I woke up with 3 minutes to go before my alarm is to go off.

If anyone feels compelled to interpret my dream, knock yourself out.

 

[GL]

ok, so i went to my first league night. it was the alternative league i've mentioned before. oy... i was so damned nervous. the first two games i bowled like 30 pins under my average. i got a little bit better and bowled 4 pins over my average on the final.

~sigh~

at least the guys i'm bowling with seemed to like me and were encouraging me so that's a plus. hopefully i'll be back to form next week.

and there were some really cute looking guys!

 

[GL]

​

 

[GL]

I am a great many things. I am a goofy person by nature. I am one who tends to fly off the handle fairly easy. I am also one to hold a grudge. I am someone who is very loyal to his friends and enjoys being with his family. I am a comic book collector; a self confessed geek… a great many things.

But I am not a serial killer.

That is all.

 

[GL]

lightning crashes, a new mother cries
her placenta falls to the floor
the angel opens her eyes
the confusion sets in
before the doctor can even close the door
.
lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers
belongs now, to the baby down the hall
.
oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.
.
lightning crashes, a new mother cries
this moment she's been waiting for
the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored iris,
presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide, hide
.

 

[GL]

There's a time and place for everything. For everyone
We can push with all our might, but nothin's gonna come
Oh no, nothin's gonna change
An' if I ask you not to try, oh could you let it be?

I wanna hold you and say
We can't throw this all away
Tell me you won't go, you won't go
You have to hear me say

I can't stop lovin' you
And no matter what I say or do
You know my heart is true, oh
I can't stop lovin' you

You can change your friends, your place in life
You can change your mind
We can change the things we say, and do any time
Oh no, but I think you'll find
That when you look inside your heart
Oh baby, I'll be there. Yeah!

Hold on. I'm holdin' on
Baby, just come on, come on, come on
I just wanna hear you say

I can't stop lovin' you
And no matter what you say or do
You know my heart is true, oh-oh!
I can't stop lovin' you

Oh, I'm so twisted and tied
And all I remember, was how hard we tried
Only to surrender

And when it's over
I know how it's gonna be
And true love will never die
Or, not fade away

And I can't stop lovin' you
And no matter what I say or do
You know my heart is true, oh
I can't stop lovin' you

And I know what I got to do
Hey Ray, what you said is true, oh
I can't stop lovin' you, oh no
Oh, can't stop lovin' you


...god damned stupid memory lane.

 

[GL]

so i'm watching 'made in america' right now and they did a story on a marble making company. interesting story for sure, but then they closed it with a couple of kids shooting marbles and i immediately remembered 5th grade when i last played.

i was never really that good at it, but i do remember it was fun. i was so jealous of my friends who had one of those gorgeous purple 'crown royale' bags to carry their stash. we played year round during recess and while waiting to be picked up or that bus ride home.

ahh... that was a good memory.

 

[GL]

"Intolerance itself is a form of egoism, and to condemn egoism intolerantly is to share it."
~George Santayana

I am troubled. Troubled by the amount of hateful rhetoric I’ve seen posted on the boards over the last few days.

There has been, to me at least a sizeable number of posts where self-hatred has taken sway. Pride marches are viewed as a “negative.” Where intolerance has taken hold with regards to religion and those who practice one form or another and open hostility towards others who do not subscribe to any given point of view.

What bothers me the most about all this is that for a section of society we as gay men tend to be marginalized and put upon because we demand to be treated fairly and equally. We face hostility, derision, bodily harm and sometimes even death because of who and what we are. And yet, rather than marshal our resources we attack one another for our differences.

But where does this come from? Why is it that despite the lessons of the past we continue to carry our hatred and bigotry? Can we not see beyond the usual burdens we carry and look to one another and just check this rubbish at the door? How can we stand here and demand fairness and equality when we cannot afford one another in our own community the same? Where does that leave us?

 

[GL]

I’ll probably get rapped in the mouth for this later but… does anyone else here get sort of sick and tired of hearing about everyone else hooking up and falling in love and all this other nonsense? I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Well, since I’m in a full on rant and in a rather pissy mood… why is it that a guy my age does not find me attractive? For that matter why is it that women in general and guys my dad’s age do? And by ‘my dad’s age’ I mean mid 60’s. And for what its worth, I’ve got nothing against older men so don’t even start with me. I'm just not comfortable dating, much less being sexually active with a man who is as old as my father so sue me.

I’m like, what the hell? Am I that friggin’ ugly? Do I give off some sort of radioactive glow that just repels guys? I’m not looking for some Adonis-like porn star, I’m only looking for someone sort of like myself. I guess it’s too much to hope or ask for.

I thought my life would be a little bit better once I came out of the closet. Why is it that I feel more isolated now than I ever did before? I swear to God I am about ready to just hang up the whole damn thing.

 

[GL]

I have to be totally honest here I am bummed out.

Why? Well, there are a couple of reasons the big one being that my week long vacation has come to a close.

Tomorrow I return to the office knowing that I will have four feet of work on my desk and six hundred and fifty two phone messages to wade through. Ok, that is a gross over exaggeration but there will be a lot of items that will need to be addressed upon my return. My work is such that no one else steps in when I am out; the work stays there until you return. We joke that for every week you are out you will need two to get caught up.

Another reason is what I’ve jokingly referred to as “Post JUB Meet Withdrawal.”

There was something really neat about meeting up with people that you generally only converse with on-line. I found it fascinating that to some degree the on-line personalities of these new friends seemed to be not too far off from the real deal. I know that I have made some great friends as a result of my participation and I hope that we can make another meet a reality.

The thing is though once everyone had left I was reminded of how I don’t have any gay friends here in town. I’m pretty much on my own despite my efforts to ‘get out there.’

I participated in a gay bowling league over the summer and I have to say I was really disappointed with the way ‘nothing’ happened. I made a huge effort to make some friends and all but I couldn’t seem to break through the pre-existing cliques within this group of bowlers.

Now when I say this I don’t want this to be misconstrued as ‘ageism’ but I was hit on by a couple of older guys. I’ve got nothing against older men; I was just uncomfortable with the fact that they were as old as my dad, who is in his mid-sixties. One of them flat out told me that he wanted to have sex with me. Initially I was amazed that anyone wanted to have sex with me at all and I seriously considered it. Somehow I just couldn’t get past that ‘as old as my dad’ part so I will own up to it and say it’s all my problem. But at the same time I was just disappointed that no one else took notice of me, someone closer to my age.

I’m not really sure what I’m going to do from here. I do know that I am not re-joining the league for their fall term. At this point I think it would simply be a waste of time and money.

All in all the summer was something of a let down. The only shining spot was the JUB meet itself. That was one for the memory books for sure.

 

[GL]

[FONT=&quot]Today is the first day of autumn and we are now going into my favorite time of the year.

As much as I love living here in Texas I’ve never been fond of the summers and mind you, I’ve lived here all my life! It tends to be too damn hot and humid. Now this past summer has been an exception to the norm as we’ve enjoyed milder temperatures and record rainfall.

Nevertheless I am happy to be going into the cooler months. Not to mention the fact that the Christmas holidays are right around the corner and tend to be pretty special here in San Antonio. Its something that I always look forward to. [/FONT]

 

[GL]

Two days ago I got some depressing news. My boss who recruited me for my current assignment will be leaving the unit. She was offered a promotion that she couldn’t pass up. Naturally I am happy for her and I know that she will do very well in her new duties. But at the same time I’m thinking, “I just got here! Now what am I going to do?”

Yes, I know it’s a rather dismal outlook and one that I really shouldn’t afford myself. I know what I’m doing, my instincts are correct for the most part. I just tend to second-guess a few of my decisions mostly because I'm a little bit rusty when it comes this particular program. It is a little different from what I had been working on previously. In the short time that I’ve been in this new assignment I find myself seeking her guidance on those really tough decisions.

I found out about the coming change while attending a casework review with my boss. We talked about the changes that are up and coming and assured me that I would be all right where I was. However, she brought up the fact that her position will be up for grabs as well as another related supervisors position and that she thought I should apply.

On the one hand I was flattered that she thought I was ready for this but at the same time I have to wonder if this is what I really want to do. I’ve done management before and I’m not afraid of it but I just don’t know if I want to be tied down to that sort of work again. It is something to thing about however.

I decided to at least look into the position and went on-line with my employer’s HR website and found what I was looking for. I thought to myself, why not check to see what’s in Austin? And lo and behold… my dream job was posted.

It’s in the Civil Rights division where I would be working as a program specialist. The duty location is in Austin which i think might be a great change of location. The salary is pretty good as it is actually in the ‘Supervisor’ pay grade. There are many responsibilities not to mention a lot of research work, writing and giving presentations to staff and other interested parties. I have to say that as long as I’ve worked here I’ve always been fascinated by this program and have always wanted to be a part of it. Quite frankly this job is right up my alley so I submitted my application. I only hope that I’m selected for an interview. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

 

[GL]

I was just thinking about my dad and football. My dad and I am the sort who likes to poke fun at one another especially when it comes to our sports. He loves to give me grief about my unwillingness to support the Dallas Cowboys. In fact, I think my dad may be more ashamed of my not supporting the Cowboys then my being gay! Which he’s cool with by the way…

You see growing up here in Texas you were just a Cowboy fan much like if you are born Catholic, well then your Catholic. The only exception was if you were born in Houston then you rooted for the Oilers (does anybody remember that?).

Now I have to tell you that I was a devout Cowboys fan right up until current owner Jerry Jones bought the franchise and committed the one cardinal rule I could not forgive: he fired Tom Landry.

A couple of years ago my best friend asked me what I thought about the Cowboys (he lives in Fort Worth now). We were grilling New York strips, drinking Shiner Bock and smoking some fine cigars (Onyx Reserves) at his new home when I told him I didn’t care either way.

“Dan, you’re not still mad at the Cowboys?” He asked me.

“Yes.” I said. “Yes I am.”

“Dude, that was more than ten years ago!”

“I do not forgive and I do not forget!”

We had a laugh at my expense.

So where does that bring me? Well it brings me to the Houston Texans. When this team first set up shop I was hoping that I might have a team to root for again. Sadly these last few years have been less than impressive. That is until this season when they began with a couple of solid wins and despite their loss to the Colts last week I think they’ve proved themselves to be a potential contender. I like that when they lost they were not “oh well, we gave it a shot.” Nope, they were mad. They were mad because they knew that they could have beaten them but came up just a little bit short. I like that and because of it I am a full-fledged Texans fan now.

I know that if I were to bring that up with my dad he would appreciate their effort but at the same time he’d dig in how good Romo is doing with the Cowboys. Then from there we would go back and forth as to why I still think they’re shitty.

Totally Random Aside:



Yes, I know that one was from way in left field but I heard it earlier this morning and I’ve played it like seven or eight times. Nobody makes music like that anymore. Oh crap, I just carbon-dated myself.

 

[GL]

Hang on to your hopes my friend
That's an easy thing to say
But if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend
That you can build them again

eh. i'm feeling just a little bit lonely today. ​

 

[GL]

ARGHHHH!!!
GODDAMNFUCKINGSHIT!!!
MONKEYFUCKERS!!!

there ought to be an alert system that tells you when you ought to just stay in your cave.

i'm about ready to beat a couple of my facility administrators into something resembling a pulp.

and then there's my car.

i'm going to have to take time tomorrow morning and get a couple of estimates. hopefully that's not going to break me.

i guess this just wasn't my day. hopefully you all had a better day than mine.

 

[GL]

~sigh~

”Elizabeth: The Golden Age” opens today.

It goes without saying that the first movie, “Elizabeth” was one of my all time favorite films. Cate Blanchett was brilliant and i am very eager to see her in this role again.

I soo want to see this movie, but I already know that not one of my friends wants to see it. I am alone in this.

I will go and watch it but I can't help but think it would be nice to see this one in the context of a "date."

Oh well.