GL - Archived Blog Posts

[GL]

"Love is either the shrinking remnant of something which was once enormous; or else it is part of something which will grow in the future into something enormous. But in the present it does not satisfy. It gives much less than one expects."

~ Anton Chekhov

 

[GL]

i love this one...



Pienso que un sueno parecido no volvera mas
Y me pintaba las manos y la cara de azul
Y me improviso el viento rapido me llevo
Y me hizo a volar en el cielo infinito

Volare, oh oh
Cantare, oh oh oh oh
Nel blu dipinto di blu
Felice di stare lassu

Y volando, volando feliz
Yo me encuentro mas alto
Mas alto que el sol
Y mientras que el mundo
Se aleja despacio de mi
Una musica dulce
Se ha tocada solo para mi

Volare, oh oh
Cantare, oh oh oh oh
Nel blu dipinto di blu
Felice di stare lassu

Pienso que un sueno parecido no volvera mas
Y me pintaba las manos y la cara de azul
Y me improviso el viento rapido me llevo
Y me hizo a volar en el cielo infinito

Volare, oh oh
Cantare, oh oh oh oh
Nel blu dipinto di blu
Felice di stare lassu

Volare, oh oh
Cantare, oh oh oh oh
Nel blu dipinto di blu
Felice di stare lassu

Pienso que un sueno parecido no volvera mas
Y me pintaba las manos y la cara de azul
Y me improviso el viento rapido me llevo
Y me hizo a volar en el cielo infinito

Volare, oh oh
Cantare, oh oh oh oh
Nel blu dipinto di blu
Felice di stare lassu

Volare, oh oh
Cantare, oh oh oh oh
Nel blu dipinto di blu
Felice di stare lassu

 

[GL]

I’m beginning to think my boss is on to the fact that I’m gay.

I had gone in to her office today while I collected my mail and picked up some needed supplies. On my way out I stopped as I always do to chat things up when she asked me if I would organize the team’s Thanksgiving luncheon. My last supervisor had made mention to her of last year’s successful get together and even said I had done a “fabulous” job.

I agreed and started throwing out some ideas of ‘where’ we could hold it as half of the team is in town and the other way out in the boonies. The boss suggested this quaint little town within driving distance and then went so far as to tell me that I would love it there. I asked her why that was and she told me that they had the nicest antiques. I don't know, maybe it's the way I cross my legs?

Ok, yeah… its all quite a stretch. But I just wanted an excuse to post something.

 

[GL]

I saw this in today's funny papers...

 

[GL]

Obi Wan Kenobi: Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

So I was in Dallas this past weekend on a whirlwind tour of the gay strip. It really was something new for me as my forays into gay clubs has thus far been limited to the one establishment on the street. Here, well… there were clubs all along the street with other gay oriented businesses and presumably nothing but gay folk going up and down the walkways. It was certainly a new experience for me. But it wasn’t all good.

The last place we went to was The Round-Up Saloon. It was definitely different. I’ve never been to a gay honky-tonk to the best of my knowledge. We managed to get ourselves to one of the bars and at one point Cory and I were laughing at each other because we kept staring down the totally buff, shirtless bartender in his sprayed-on Wrangler jeans and cowboy hat. We’re talking Grade "A" American beef.

At one point this older guy cuts right in front of me and apologizes, says that he needs to close out his tab. I’m like, “Ok.” The thing is I could already tell I was being cruised and sure enough he tries to turn on the charm. I tell him that I’m with my friends who I nod at but it doesn’t stop him. He keeps pressing the issue asking me if I have a boyfriend, blah, blah. He leans in and all of a sudden I feel his hand on my crotch. I pulled away from him and just made my way back to the other side of the bar, away from him.

I have to tell you I was thoroughly weirded out. I told him I wasn’t interested and he still went for it. By the next day on my way home I kept going over the whole event in my head and just kept getting angrier and angrier over it. I kept thinking about Obi Wan cutting down the two bastards in the cantina. Yeah, I know. How geeky is that? I don’t know, I guess I should have decked the SOB for invading my space and all.

On top of that the whole “older guy” thing continues to worry me. As I’ve said before I have nothing against older gentleman other than I just do not find myself attracted to them either sexually or romantically. My worry is the fact that thus far they are the only ones who have shown any interest in me as a gay man. That really saddens me because if this trend continues what am I to do other than just stay by myself?

So for the last couple of days I kept telling myself that I could have handled this better.

I should have handled this better.


Obi Wan Kenobi: [intervening] This little one's not worth the effort. Now come, let me get you something.

[Dr. Evazan shoves Luke across the room and pulls out a blaster]

[In a flash, he and his alien companion Pomda Baba are on the floor with a slashed torso and a severed arm respectively]

 

[GL]

To the best of my knowledge I have never heard a straight man utter the word "fabulous."

For whatever reason.

Hmm...

 

[GL]

Sometimes I have to wonder if this truly is all that there is. This existence is just barely that.

I wondered about it today as I was walking through the nursing facility and I saw a few of the residents just sitting in their wheelchairs biding time. I can feel it in my bones… that sense of utter and quiet desolation.

There was that one chair off to the side that needed to be wiped down and I couldn’t help but wonder if this is where I’ll end up. A forgotten shell of a person just waiting until his ticket gets punched. Would anyone remember me? Will I be thought of or even visited? Or will I end up being found only because of the stench my corpse was generating?

Ok, that does it. I’m bringing my own sodas to the office. I’m not going to the vending machine in the break room any more. That was pretty damned dark even for me.

 

[GL]

My latest obsession.



I can't stop playing it... Maybe because it "sounds" like what I've been feeling of late.

 

[GL]

The other day I was asked by a friend what my thoughts were with regards to the state of Hot Topics. At the time I told my friend that I needed to mull this one over as there were many aspects of the topic that I found troubling. Well, my musings are now over.



And that is my opinion on the present state of Hot Topics. Thank you for your time and may you have a pleasant tomorrow.

 

[GL]

My boss outed me at the staff meeting! How so you ask? Well let me tell you…

Yesterday was the staff meeting that I mentioned in this previous entry. Suffice it to say it went off without a hitch. Everyone was happy with the lunch arrangements and when we returned to the office she immediately assigned the Christmas luncheon to me and named me the “social director” for the team. In front of the whole team no less. Damn! What straight man would assume the mantle of “social director” I ask you?

Worse yet, today while I was collecting my mail the boss asked me if I thought one of the ladies on our team was ‘pretty.’ I’m like, huh? Then I was like why? Evidently some of the ladies in the office think this lady is pretty and some do not my boss being one of the latter. I’m like, damn! When did I become one of the "girls?"

Then she asked me if I thought one of the other men on the team was ‘handsome.’ I was totally mortified with that one because I wanted to blurt out “YES!” but decided against it. I didn’t want to seem too desperate to the boss. Come to think of it there are two very good-looking men on the team. Sadly they’re married. Rats.

Anyhow, without any doing on my part it would appear that I am now the token gay on the team.

 

[GL]

something that's been floating around in my head the last couple of days...

 

[GL]

There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every step I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called must we
just before the son has come.

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
something but the past and done? (x2)

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start things over.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.

Mother Mary won't you whisper
something but what's past and done. (x2)

Why can't we not be sober?
I Just want to start this over.
Why can't we sleep forever.
I Just want to start things over.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,

Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust Me.

Why can't we not be sober?
I Just want to start things over.
Why can't we sleep forever.
I Just want to start this over.

I want what I want.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.

 

[GL]

i may have to organize one of these...

 

[GL]

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.

 

[GL]

At the beginning of Thanksgiving week I had found out that a friend of mine might possibly be spending the holiday all by himself. Being that I am very fond of this guy’s friendship I was really disappointed with the idea that he would be alone and as such I extended him an invitation to join my family and I for the holiday. He thanked me for the offer but thought that he might be able to make it home as he had originally planned. Either way I was pleased that he would have some place to go.

As it turned out the day that I had invited my friend my parents happended to be in town. I made it a point to tell my mother that I had invited my friend to thanksgiving dinner because I didn't want him to be by himself, but that I did not think he would make it because of his original plans. Regardless I just wanted to let her know that there might be an extra person at the table. I guess the look on her face should have told me something.

Later on that evening as everyone was turning in for the night my mother came to my room and told me that neither she nor my father were ready for me to bring any “friends” to the house. I was surprised to hear that and my first reaction was to tell her that my guest and I were nothing more than friends but her implication was clear. They were just not ready to have any gay folk in their home. Well, outside of myself I guess.

Further, she tells me that my dad has been taking my being gay pretty hard. I asked her why I’m only now hearing about this a year and a half after I came out to them. My mom couldn’t say anything more and she had the look on her face that told me she was about ready to cry so I didn’t push the issue.

Needless to say this whole episode cast a pall over my holiday. Ordinarily I am the sort of person who gravitates towards the holidays and enjoys being at home with the family but not this time.

At a very basic level I took my mom’s statement as an indictment against myself and for the first time that I can remember I found myself not wanting to go home. Once I did make it home I couldn’t stop thinking about what had been said to me and it really just made my time home rather sad. When the weekend was over I was so happy to come home. Don’t get me wrong my parents love me and treated me as if the discussion had never happened but I could still hear those words rolling around in my head.

I hadn’t intended to write about my past holiday but yesterday I found myself talking to my friend for the first time since the holiday, the very same friend who I had invited and triggered this whole episode. It was not my intention to tell him what had happened but we got to catching up and sure enough my situation came up. I’m glad I did talk to him though, it gave me a chance to say out loud what had been bothering me. Not to mention the fact he has a knack for making me laugh and before too long I was joking about what had happened.

So to my friend... thank you for the mental health break.

As for my parents, I don’t know what I’m going to do at the moment. On the one hand I’ve never wanted to cause my parents any grief but on the other its pretty obvious not talking about all this has left us with a pink elephant in the living room and nobody seems all that eager to acknowledge it.

 

[GL]

While I was waiting in the drive thru at Chick-fil-a I watched a young couple exit the restaurant and walk into the parking lot.

He unzipped his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders, her blond hair blowing in the cold wind. They walked to the far end of the parking lot to their trucks where he helped her into her vehicle. She took off his jacket and gave it back to him. They leaned in and kissed one another without a care for anyone around them. It was all really very sweet.

By then I had placed my lunch order and was driving towards the window and with one more look in my rear view mirror I could see that they had left. And I thought to myself, “it must be nice.”

 

[GL]

Yesterday was our staff meeting / Christmas luncheon. One of my co-workers, out of the goodness of her heart and in the spirit of Christmas baked each and every one of us a loaf of bread. We each had a choice of apple, pumpkin or banana.

I chose banana.

And damn if it don't taste good!

 

[GL]

 

[GL]

When the bells all ring and the horns all blow
And the couples we know are fondly kissing.
Will I be with you or will I be among the missing?

Maybe it's much too early in the game
Ooh, but I thought I'd ask you just the same
What are you doing New Year's
New Year's eve?

Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight
When it's exactly twelve o'clock that night
Welcoming in the New Year
New Year's eve

Maybe I'm crazy to suppose
I'd ever be the one you chose
Out of a thousand invitations
You received

Ooh, but in case I stand one little chance
Here comes the jackpot question in advance:
What are you doing New Year's
New Year's Eve?



Happy New Year 2008 Everybody!


​

 

[GL]

Over the holidays I heard a single from Maná. All of my friends kept telling me that I would dig them and for some reason I just didn't catch on.

Until recently that is.



Maná / Ojala Pudiera Borrarte