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God... Where to Begin?

SugarTwink

SugarTwink

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I'm at my wits end already and this is like a last ditch attempt. I felt it be best to get advice on this situation from people who have probably been in this situation before too.

We're back to the whole, straight vs. gay thing. Allow me to start from the beginning, bear with me. I came out at 15 and I'm currently 20 and very inexperienced but semi-proud of it. I'm a bit of a hippy, :P. I believe in recycling and saving the planet and fate and I strongly believe everything happens to us for a reason.

However, I do seem to have a problem when it comes to love. I find myself easily attracted to the casually masculine guys who lo and behold always end up being straight. The fact I can't have them makes me want them even more. So, it happened a lot and I was learning my lesson about the unattainable.

Recently I've started a new job and 3 weeks into it, this guy suddenly appeared. I instantly noticed him and just couldn't help but look at him. Anytime he walked past my eyes would automatically follow. A week or so later we started chatting and gently flirting and I found I found him an amazingly interesting person as well as extremely attractive.

However, he's 22, nearly married and with two kids. He's off limits yet I still want him and I don't know how NOT to want him. I love talking to him, I love seeing him but I know I shouldn't, yet I don't even know how to begin not to. How do you not like someone? I feel that I've been liking straight guys for like 3 years now and I keep getting them in my path because I have to learn a lesson from them and I can't find what it is. This won't stop until I know how to deal with the situation.
 
>>>How do you not like someone?

You stop pretending.
You stop fantasizing.
You stop talking with him, flirting with him, hoping that maybe - just maybe - he secretly is curious about "the other side", and possibly is on the hunt for a guy to show him how much better it is.

Because it ain't happening.

So stop. Be polite, but don't chat with him as much. Don't flirt with him anymore. Keep it professional. If he flirts, sort of give him a look as if to say "whatever", then move on. If you find yourself looking, get up and move somewhere else. If you find yourself fantasizing, start fantasizing about him getting pissed as hell when you tell him you want to have sex with him. Or start fantasizing about his nearly-wife and two kids finding out that some gay guy at work is after their daddy.

Lex
 
Yeah. ^^^What he said. The only way to get great straight guys out of your head is to get them out of your head. Don't think about them, don't dream about them. And most important, if you find yourself falling for one, do everything you can to not see him. I know it's tough. But it's the only way.

Trust me. I've been there myself.
 
G-Lexington said:
If you find yourself fantasizing, start fantasizing about him getting pissed as hell when you tell him you want to have sex with him. Or start fantasizing about his nearly-wife and two kids finding out that some gay guy at work is after their daddy.
Click to expand...

I'll just reply to that before I continue my reply. Your entire post was very blunt and to the point, sure. I want to clarify that I don't WANT to destroy his family at ALL and I think it's amazing he sticks by his family at the age of 22. I admire him for that when a lot of guys wouldn't. The last thing I want to do is destroy that.

I'll bear in mind everything you say but the work situation is difficult, we're in close contact a LOT of the time and it's always HIM that speaks to me, not vice versa. So I struggle with that because even if I wanted to ignore him, without being downright rude, he still makes little comments to attract my attention.

And finally, it's not all about sex... I'm not that type of person.

Thanks for the advice.
 
No need to get defensive. :) I wasn't trying to imply that you were looking to break up his happy home. But since "just forget about him" apparently wasn't working, you needed to pull out the bigger guns. You needed a bigger dose of reality to start nipping those feelings in the bud. So next time you find yourself fantasizing about him, you need to push that fantasy all the way to its logical (and inevitable) conclusion - the one full of bad and hurt feelings.

Lex
 
I can fairly understand what you are going through . The only thing you could do here is divert your attention [in this case obsession maybe] to something else like some activity or a new guy maybe.

Its like when your hand or leg is in plaster it always itches and you cannot do anything about it..so you divert your attention.
 
You do not say if you have any gay friends. I think you need to backoff on your feelings and treat your friend in a friendly way, but keep it professional....period!

Since your looking for love and not just sex, you need to find and go to places where you can meet gay men! Make gay friends, and then you will find the love your seeking! Trust em he is out there!!!
 
Good advice here. It has helped me too. I loved a co-worker, and he used to be just kind enough to me. But from my point of view it used to seem that he liked me as more than a friend. He recently got married so I knew he would never be mine in the real sense. So I needed to stop kidding myself.

So to get rid of my feelings, I trained my brain to feel rejected and angry when I think of him. That way I don't feel like I love him. I still talk to him over the phone sometimes, but its when he calls.

And it helps that he is another city.
 
Yeesh. The only bit of advice that I can give you is something that happened to a friend of mine. He has always loved a straight guy since they were teens. When Vince (thats my friend) finally found a great guy (and this guy was the best. a really, quality, top-notch man, who was everything that Vince was looking for, he was even more masculine than the straight guy. actually, he was better, smarter, richer, funnier, etc. than the straight guy in every way). The problem was this: Vince kept (for years) talking and obsessing over the straight guy until his boyfriend left him. His boyfriend felt like he would always be second, and instead went to look for a more meaningful relationship.
Maybe this is your problem? You say you are looking for love, right? Well, the problem might be that you are too focused on the straight guys that you may miss your opportunity for your prince charming. There are plenty of straight-acting gay men out there, if that is your type. But please learn from my friend's mistake, because he still regrets losing the love of his life because he was so obsessed with a straight guy. I know sometimes it can be hard to find gay friends (I dont know how out you are, but that can be part of how hard it is), but good friends (like good men) are hard to find, but worth it when you find them.
 
SugarTwink, no sense in jumping in G-Lexington's sh*t. Remember, you asked for advice and comments. If you didn't want to hear what G-Lex had to say, you should not have posted. You didn't come here for advice, you came here for validation and didn't like it when G-Lex didn't rubber stamp your actions.
 
Be careful guys... this is a no flame zone. Lets not get into a debate about how people respond to advice or criticize them for that advice.

Lex handled the situation perfectly and in his own way. Theres no need to blow this thing up because it serves no one... especially SugarTwink, who was seeking advice.

Thanks fellas.
 
Homoerectus said:
SugarTwink, no sense in jumping in G-Lexington's sh*t. Remember, you asked for advice and comments. If you didn't want to hear what G-Lex had to say, you should not have posted. You didn't come here for advice, you came here for validation and didn't like it when G-Lex didn't rubber stamp your actions.
Click to expand...

I wasn't looking for validation. I said "Thanks for the advice." and the fact that Lex gave me very sound and good advice was the reason why. The reason I jumped it is because he pointed out things that I neglected to mention and to be honest, I didn't want people thinking. I was worried in case people thought I was hoping to have a one night stand with the guy and ruin his family, which I don't.

Currently, my life is too hectic and love is the last thing on my mind. I'm here for advice on the BEST possible way to make it easier for me NOT to like him. And everyones advice has been great so far and definitely worth using. I've already started putting it to use and any time he pops into my head I force myself to think about something else.

Annoying there isn't an "On-Off" switch for these things, I can't wait until I get over the whole "Straight Guy" phase of my life, seriously. Oh, and to answer the questions. Yeah, I am totally out but life is too hectic at the moment to be bouncing around gay clubs and to be honest, they kind of scare me :D! Everyones so judgemental in there, hahaha!

Anyways, I'm totally rambling now so just ignore me. Thanks again to everyone.
 
You don't want to not like him - you just want to not like him LIKE THAT. And giving yourself constant reality checks - "he's straight, he's not interested, nothing's ever gonna happen" - is a good way to do that.

I never had a "straight guy" phase. The second I learned a guy was straight, I always crossed them off the list. To me, thinking "This guy would be great, if only he were gay" is like saying "This corpse would be great, if only he were alive". It ain't happening. Maybe I'm just more literal minded than most. But I'm in control here, not my emotions.

>>>Everyones so judgemental in there, hahaha!

I hope the "hahaha" is because you realize the irony. :)

Lex
 
You want to make sure that you do learn your lesson on str8 dudes and that you apply the learned to your life...

There will be loads of hot str8 men popping up ever so often at work, at school, in the club, wherever. You want to have some sort of an automatic, reflex-like response.

Yeah, the dude is cute; he is nice; he might be worth a sin but since I am not into ONS, I'll give him a rain pass, till he doesn't hit me the next time in one of the gay clubs, if this ever happens.

Make a very conscious decision and stick with your guns.

SC
 
G-Lexington said:
"This corpse would be great, if only he were alive". It ain't happening. Maybe I'm just more literal minded than most. But I'm in control here, not my emotions.
Click to expand...

Love the corpse comment :D but yeah seriously, I'm dominated by my heart and have like no control. When I feel an emotion flare up it automatically shows. I always say what I think when I think it and I've got a bit of a short temper so yeah... my emotions rule me and yeah...

It's all about control... hopefully that happens soon :D Does it sound crazy that I don't feel so hopeless after I posted this topic? Knowing other people have dealt with this before and also know how to deal with it makes me feel better.
 
>>>Does it sound crazy that I don't feel so hopeless after I posted this topic?

If you didn't, we wouldn't be doing our jobs. :)

Lex
 
It's all about control... hopefully that happens soon
Click to expand...

Yup, it is part of growing up for most people. Beyond the physical type you are attracted to, there is likely a bit of an issue to work out as to why you, like so many other guys, find themselves attracted to the ones they can't have. It happens in the straight world too, believe me.

One reason is because it is safe. You can feel the pain and frustration and always complain about never finding the right guy (or girl). It saves having to invest the time in actually developing a real relationship and risking hurt or rejection. The fantasy is always better and purer in your mind.

Remember that this 'fixation' or 'crush' pattern is not entirely dissimilar from the behaviour that leads to stalking.

It takes a certain amount of self-analysis and understanding to come to terms with this. Once you do, then you can condition your responses to other people better. If you find it too difficult to do on your own, or if you find it becoming too oppressive find a gay therapist to help you sort this part of your life out.
 
rareboy said:
Remember that this 'fixation' or 'crush' pattern is not entirely dissimilar from the behaviour that leads to stalking.
Click to expand...

Hahaha, I don't think it'll ever get that bad but your psycho analysis of the safety aspect was very interesting and I'll be remembering that one for a while.
 
By focusing on the guys you know you can't have you manage to avoid entangling yourself with the ones that you could have...
 
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