Going Sour

[matty525]

So I have been dating this guy since the end of the summer. Lately things haven’t been the best between us. My boyfriend is currently only working part time and unable to find a full time job and living at home with his parents. When we began dating, my boyfriend made it clear that his dad was disapproving of him being gay. I have a similar situation, I am living at home with my parents, my father is also disapproving of my lifestyle. When we first started dating, my boyfriend made it clear that his family was a big priority in his life. He introduced to me to his mother. However, she had to pretend that she wasn’t meeting me because she was afraid of how her husband would act. Therefore, it was a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Since September, I started up with school, my unpaid internship, and also working part time. In addition, my mother is disabled and we are selling my home because my parents can no longer afford our home. On one occasion, I said I would maybe be able to get together with my boyfriend, but it ended up not working out because I was helping my dad with housework. Well, a few hours later I received a half-sarcastic phone call from my boyfriends mother telling me that she cleaned her whole house and was disappointed that I was not coming over, and "if you say I will see you later, I should mean it.” But according to my boyfriend it was funny, and all a joke. This happened immediately after a fight we had about how he was going to work on his sarcasm. But, also our plans was between my boyfriend and I, it did not include his mother. But, I moved on and tried to let it go.

Since October, my boyfriend has been complaining that I have not been giving him the time or attention that he deserves. For the past few weekends, I have been working non stop on the with house related projects and haven’t been able to devote as much time with my boyfriend as I use to. However, I said this would happen given everything going on, and my boyfrind said he completely understood. However, our second fight ensued soon after because I had homework and was unable to hang with him and he told me that he was giving up on his own plans to spend time with me. Also, he was questioning how I am doing my homework and asking when I was assigned the assignment, and that I am not making him a priority. The fight ended, and he apologized and said he would be more understanding to what is going on in my life, as I made it clear that I had a lot going on. My boyfriend and I average spending time together about one to two times a week with everything go on including, work, school. This past month, my boyfriend told me that he now wants me to meet his father, since his father showed interest in meeting me finally. He said he wants it done by Thanksgiving so I can eat with them on Thanksgiving night. I kind of got annoyed because he never really asked me if I was ready to meet his father, despite everything he said and I felt like it was more pressure added to what was going on in my life. So two weeks ago, we went nine days without seeing each other because of work I was doing and we had a hurricane. Keep in mind though, that ever since we started dating, we talk several times on the phone per day, and text each other. So, on the ninth day I drive to meet him, and we have lunch and it quickly turned into a huge argument, that I was not giving him enough attention. He ended up cursing at me, telling me that I never drive to his house to see him and that I am refusing to meet his dad, and that I don’t plan any dates. My point was that I was so busy and I told him in advance that I was going to be busy over the next few weeks and he said he understood. He once again apologized later and said he would be understanding in the future and give me space. Flash forward to a week later and he is telling me I need to meet his dad soon and to also calling me at 6AM to tell me he can't sleep.

I know I listed all these negative things, but, my boyfriend is a good guy. He is extremely thoughtful and caring. However, I am feeling all this pressure because he is talking about wanting babies, moving in together, and wanting to give up long distance jobs because of me. Am I over reacting? Should I be willing to meet his dad? I think we are two different spots right now. I am so consumed with school, work and my home situation that it is hard for us to connect on the level he wants to. I understand he deserves the attention he is looking for. But, his constant need to remind me of what I should be doing is turning me off. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to continue hurting him, and I don’t want to hurt him by ending things. He said he was going to stop being “needy” and give me space but now he is bringing up how it is not fair to his dad that I haven’t met him yet.

P.S. Sorry for the long post.

 

[Seasoned]

You both have to be honest regarding the following question. Do you like each other and that's why you want a relationship or do you want a relationship and that's why you're trying to like each other? Once that is sorted out you'll know whether or not this is something to pursue. If so, you both need to come to the table with a list of needs and wants and discuss them without fighting. If there is reasonable compatibility you would then be able to begin working on the logistics of meeting each other's needs. You each need to decide if satisfaction is greater than dissatisfaction. As far as conflicts over being judged over what you do or don't do from your bf's point of view, here's something you might want to follow. In my 29 year relationship, when faced with judging my actions or inactions, I have found that if it's good for me, it's good for the relationship. I'm no good to my husband if I'm not doing what's right for me, even if that sometimes leads to conflict.

The two of you are in early relationship stuff and for a healthy relationship to develop you'll both have to mature into an understanding of the difference between annoyances and deal breakers. Good luck.

 

[Rolyo85]

Some "sounds":

You both sound very young.
He sounds very immature.
His mom sounds like a petty bitch.
Your dads sound like bigots.

Juggling between a relationship, work and school is a balancing act. Maybe you aren't doing the best job of it, I don't know, but if he doesn't understand that nobody who has any aspirations for their future could possibly compromise on school and work, then he's not ready to be in a relationship.

And one unrelated thing that bugged me because you just said it, seemingly unaware of how wrong it was: while there certainly is a "gay lifestyle", being gay is most certainly NOT a lifestyle. It is a state of being, like being female or having blond hair. And I will venture a guess that your dads' respective bigotry is at least part of the reason why you have trouble with your relationship.

 

[matty525]

Thank you for the replies. I guess time will tell. Either way, it feels good to write/talk about it and get an outside perspective.

@Rolyo85 I think you are misinterpreting what I was trying to say. I am obviously gay so I don't need to be lectured that being gay is not a choice, and that it can be compared to being a female, or having blond hair. I was referring to my dating life and my boyfriend, I am starting to date openly in front of my family and my father is having issues with it. And yes, for that reason he is a bigot and it is causing issues within my relationship. Anyway, I guess I could have worded it differently but nonetheless, I did NOT intend the term "lifestyle" and it's meaning to be what you took it as. But, thank you for your input.

 

[Rolyo85]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply you didn't know. I just think it's our responsibility to never let people use misrepresenting terminology that fits their bigotry when we know it's not the truth.

 

[sixthson]

Hi Matty. First let me say, I think you should meet his father. The longer you put it off, the more stressed you will be to meet him. Get it over with. The worst that could happen is that he doesn't like you and say so. You already know that. But there is a chance that things could go well. So, get that out of the way soon.
Second, sit down with your bf, with pen and paper if necessary, and be perfectly clear about your schedule. Some part of your life are set and unchangeable, such as classes and your job. Other things, like housework, should be more flexible. Since he only works part time, he has more time on his hands and he is feeling sorry for himself. You need to schedule time together, if at all possible. You are feeling overwhelmed and pressured and he is feeling neglected and not being very understanding. He needs to understand this is a temporary situation. Is it possible that the time is just not right for you two?
When two people have been dating a relatively short time and having these kinds of issues early on, it makes me wonder what the future holds. You're still in the dating phase and he is talking babies? You guys barely know each other.

 

[wikke1]

Some "sounds":

You both sound very young.
He sounds very immature.
His mom sounds like a petty bitch.
Your dads sound like bigots.

Juggling between a relationship, work and school is a balancing act. Maybe you aren't doing the best job of it, I don't know, but if he doesn't understand that nobody who has any aspirations for their future could possibly compromise on school and work, then he's not ready to be in a relationship.

And one unrelated thing that bugged me because you just said it, seemingly unaware of how wrong it was: while there certainly is a "gay lifestyle", being gay is most certainly NOT a lifestyle. It is a state of being, like being female or having blond hair. And I will venture a guess that your dads' respective bigotry is at least part of the reason why you have trouble with your relationship.

"Funny", I also wanted to comment on this.
I read the reply by the thread starter, and of course agree with him.
However, I agree with you that this is something that's worht being pointed out. Just as a "attention point" (and maybe "off topic"). Just because some people really seem to think/believe (even without any bad intent) that it's a life style you choose. In my coming out, I've had some good experiences in being able to explain to some people how "it worsk", and they seem to realise that the "lifestyle" is not a good choice of words, which leads only to more bigotry.


Thread starter, I wish you all the best.
I have 0.0% experience in a love relationship, but I agree with what's been said above.
Is your BF quite a lot younger than you? He comes across as a little immature, maybe because he hasn't had some experiences you have had...?

You know what I think might also be one of the reasons?
If I'm not mistaken, he hasn't been to your parents yet (for obvious reasons)...
Maybe he doesn't fully grasp how busy your life is and the things you have to take into account.
Talk to him about it, and maybe ask him to help you (if possible?). That way he can feel more involved...

THe thing I hope most for you guys, however, is that you can met both of "the dads" and it all works out.
Keep us posted!

 

[AngolaZee]

Why cant you just meet his Dad. It feels like you are just putting it off. It doesn't have to be big deal, big feast etc. Why keep delaying it obviously means a lot to him and it cant hurt you to do it

 

[matty525]

Thank you for the additional responses. I understand what you all are saying. I think my problem was how it was positioned to me to meet his dad. He basically said he wanted me at his Thanksgiving dining room table eating with his family, so I felt this mad rush to hurry and meet his dad. Meanwhile, I have met his mother, siblings, and grandparents with no hesitation. However, since the dad was disapproving of his son being gay, they had to pretend they didn't meet me. They also made comments on front of me like needing to clean all dishes so the dad would not know that I was over having lunch. It made me extremely uncomfortable. But since his father FINALLY agreed to meet with me, there was this big rush and pressure for me to meet him. I would rather that my boyfriend said to me, "look I know this might be uncomfortable, but if you are up to it I would love for you to meet my dad." I would then have gladly done it for him. But, no it was "I want and I need this from you." It just seemed like my feelings didn't matter.

Here's a little update...

I still haven't met his father. My boyfriend kind of dropped it for awhile. The past few weeks I definitely made more of an effort to be around, going to the movies with him and his siblings, seeing his mother, visiting his grandparents, and cooking him dinner. Things I thought were headed in a good direction. However, this past week he started asking "what is the next phase that I see for our relationship?" I told him that "I honestly do not know, I like to take things slow. We have only been dating three months." However, the conversation came up again the other night, and this time he is asking where I see myself in a year. I said to him I am not sure, I am hoping to get a job after graduating graduate school, and hopefully be in a long term relationship. He said he is hoping that we are living together and that we would make a formal commitment to each other, like engagement. I told him I thought it was a little soon to be talking about all of this and I just wanted to take it slow. I told him in the past and again, that I didn't see myself getting married or having children until my 30's. I am currently 27 by the way, so it would be a few years off. I said I was just focusing on the present and seeing where our relationship takes us. Well, he was not satisfied with that answer. He said that it was not good enough for him to wait that long. He is 24, and he wants to get married and start a family soon. I said I want all of those things but not just yet, and I think it was way too soon in our relationship to be putting that kind of pressure on ourselves. Anyway, we are now on a break but it looks like things are over. He has been referencing lately that his friends are getting married. I told him that I think that he just wants the whole marriage and family package and that he is trying to fit me into that mold. He says that he is in love with me, and I should be excited about planning the future. I think its all too soon for that, he obviously doesn't think so.

At the end of the day, I feel like there is not enough of myself that I can give to him. He never made it clear to me earlier, that he wanted all of this so soon. He thinks our maturity levels are different. But, I can't think of anything more foolish than to rush into a commitment with someone, or make false hopes or promises about it. And if he can't understand my point of view, than it is best we go our separate ways. I am definitely very new to the whole relationship thing so I hope I don't sound selfish or immature.

 

[MindBlast]

He's crazy to think marrying in less than a year is a good idea! I'd have to be with a guy at least 2-3 years before I considered it.

 

[HunterM]

Points of discussion for you and your boyfriend about marriage:
How are you guys going to live together to be financially independent from parents? You two certainly cannot live together in your parents' or his parents' house after getting married...knowing how they all feel about you guys being gay.

Should one of you only work full time and the other work part time? Or both need to work full time to pay bills?

What's the outlook for both of you to work full time? Estimate a timeline...in 6 months? In a year?

Tell him that you would not entertain the idea of marriage until both of you are employed full time for at least a year. That should take the pressure off of you. "Entertain the idea" does not mean that you accept his marriage proposal. It only means you two can start talking about getting married seriously.

 

[bankside]

Matty, your boyfriend may be a decent person, but does not have a very realistic idea of how to start a relationship or plan for the future. I'm sorry to say the phrase "not a fucking clue" comes to mind. I think you're managing everything as well as possible and I hope you find a way forward together, but I hope you will be prepared for the fact that he's not being realistic about a lot of things, and he is introducing unnecessary pressure and he's responsible for allowing some unpleasantness to intrude on your life together.

If he thinks there is a difference in your maturity levels, I hope he realised he is the one with some catching up to do.

Take this advice for what it's worth. I think it is worth something - I have always been a person who is serious about the future and my guy and I are now almost 15 years into our relationship. I don't think it could have happened like that if we had started out with your boyfriend's pressuring attitudes and unrealistic expectations. I think it is great that you've made more of an effort to be with him in the last few weeks. Now it's his turn to make an effort to change his attitude so your relationship can stay on the tracks.