Going through my phone.

[Maelstrom]

Hey everyone, I'm sorry it has been awhile. Doing really well these days. I hope everyone else is too!

I have a question. I have been in a relationship with this great guy for almost a year and a half. Things have been going really well, nothing is perfect of course though. The reason I say this is I am almost certain that he is going through my phone. Not once or twice but repeatedly. I'm not hiding anything nor am I even mad about it. But I find it really odd at this point in time. We have lived together for a year at least. I thought that this kind of behavior might happen at the very beginning of a relationship, but more than a year later?

I really just want to hear anyone's take on this. I just don't understand what he is looking for or even why he is doing it. Is he just insecure? If he is what does that mean for me? Should I confront him about it? Just let it go?
I could password it but that will just make it seem like I really am hiding something.

Like I said I'm not mad about this at all, it just surprises me, I feel like I have nothing to hide yet he is looking through it, text messages, Facebook, I don't know what else. Thoughts?

 

[HunterM]

Address the issue. Obviously, it bothers you or you wouldn't be posting this here. Confront him nicely, "What were you looking on my phone? Maybe I can help you."

If you don't talk about this with him, you won't ever know why.

 

[subsonic]

Communication is key in a healthy relationship. If there's something that bothers you, talk to him about it. It does sound odd that he feels the need to do this - yes. So there's nothing wrong with you for questioning this behaviour. But maybe there's a logical reason for it all.
Solution: adress the issue, talk about it in a nice and calm way and go on from there. It's really the only thing you can do. You can keep guessing and wondering, but ultimately it will only slowly damage your relationship further.

 

[swerve]

I wonder if he possibly has had a partner in the past who might have cheated on him???

IF so -- it might just be him protecting himself...

Just a thought...

I've been in a decade + relationship, and my partner password protects HIS phone...

It doesn't phase me in the slightest...

Best of luck...

 

[TX-Beau]

hmmmmmm, if he's treating you based on someone else that's not protecting himself, that's issues.

It would bother me, and I would bring it up then reassess, but think it through first. If possible find some way to make sure someone is going through your phone before implying it was him, however nicely.

- - - Updated - - -

Oh and why would someone be doing that? Insecurity.

 

[Corny]

Hey .. nice to hear from you and glad that everything is going well with you! A couple of weeks ago I actually wondered how you are doing

Anyway, you need to talk to him about it and find out why he is doing it? Does he not trust you? Point out that he breaks your trust by doing it. Or does he have a reason to mistrust you? Did you do something behind his back? Or is he just really jealous/insecure? You might be able to work on it, but if he can build trust towards you .. this is a very vicious circle. I mean .. you could put a password on your phone, but this could make things worse .. and also it wouldn't solve the real problem at hand.

 

[Seasoned]

He may be dealing with his own temptations and projecting the same on to you. His snooping needs to be brought out in the open if your relationship is going to continue to grow. Good luck.

 

[Rolyo85]

I am a very open individual, no taboo topics, no secrets, I'm open to any discussion and suggestion. But because of that, I will NOT tolerate any invasion on the privacy that are my phone, e-mail and Facebook accounts. It is a giant deal breaker and will lead to a huge fight. You either trust me and will confront me if you suspect something, or we're done.

 

[chance1]

u should talk to him about it

the way ur describing it ...... u don't really care ....... i think if u tell him that way he will be less defensive about it

the key is for him to share why ...... so he can hopefully get over that

we all get jealous but invasion of privacy is over the line

 

[loveguys72]

I'm with the concensus. Talk to him about it. Let him know it doesn't bother you, but you're curious as to why he feels it necessary to do. There are obviously some major trust issues going on with him, perhaps from a past relationship, perhaps not. In any case, you'll never know why he does this unless you talk about it.

Good luck.

 

[Maelstrom]

It is kind of interesting, I don't see it as an invasion of privacy, I mean it is but I guess i just don't care.
I have told him he can talk to me about anything but I see that he doesn't believe me, otherwise he wouldn't be looking in my phone.
I guess what is a bummer is that I thought we were really good at communication, this brings a bit of doubt to that.

I don't have any concrete evidence that he actually is but I am almost certain that he does. The phone isn't where I last left it, or it isn't on the same screen that I left it on. Turn it on and it is on an old text message when there would be no reason for me to select it etc.
Basically if he denies that he has looked at it I have no proof that he has. I feel like the conversation would end there.

Part of me wants to just let him keep doing it to satisfy his curiosity maybe he will grow out of it? But the general consensus is to confront him about it. I will try to bring it up sometime this week, hopefully he will just admit it, if he denies it I'm not sure what would be the appropriate next step. Thoughts?

Corny: hey man, I'm doing good, I'm going to try to be here more often these days, glad to see you are doing well sorry for disappearing like that.

 

[Seasoned]

Don't ask him if he's been looking at your phone. You know he has because of where you find it and what screens are up. Asking him will put him on the defensive and he's likely to feel guilty and is likely to lie. Instead ask him why he's been looking through your messages, etc. and don't let him deny it because you know you've been finding it in different locations.

Also, you could change your screen saver if it's a smart phone. "Honey, stop driving yourself nuts. I love you."

 

[HunterM]

^ Haha, the smartphone screen saver is a great idea!

How about this one: "Don't you dare"

 

[winterkill]

It is kind of interesting, I don't see it as an invasion of privacy, I mean it is but I guess i just don't care. I have told him he can talk to me about anything but I see that he doesn't believe me, otherwise he wouldn't be looking in my phone.

I really like your relaxed attitude – you trust your lover and grant him open access to your private communication. Perhaps he loves you so much that he must know each and every detail of your private life. And he didn't ask you because he isn't sure that you give him full access to your secret thoughts. You must accept that even after a year you don't know him good enough to explain his action – perhaps he missed you and took your mobile phone as your representative? Surely he left the traces of his curiosity intentionally. :-> Write some sweet sentences to him and store them in your phone for his next visit. Don't forget the link to this thread - because you practice openness. Try to understand him better, not necessarily by asking unnerving questions.

 

[aaggii]

Everyone has it´s own way of being. If it doesn´t affect you, try to ignore it. Maybe his insecurity fades away a lil bit each time after he sees your phone. From what I see, the act itself doesn´t annoy you, but the time of doing it is. Just talk without acussing anyone of anything.