Good Friend Abroad - So Sad

[graysond]

Hi there,

So, I cam out recently to a bunch of friends, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Since that time, I have become really close with one of those friends. His total acceptance of my being gay means so much to me. Anyway, I've been crushing on him for a little while now. I've read all the threads about crushes on straight friends, and trust me, I know I'll need to get over him eventually.

Next semester, he is going abroad, and it tears me up inside. I don't want him to go, but there's nothing I can do about it. He knows we have a very strong friendship (he has expressed his platonic love for me a few times) and I think he is going to miss me too. At this point, every time I think about saying goodbye, I start crying. He is totally straight, and I value our friendship. Should I tell him the depth of my feelings and how much it will hurt when he goes? Please help.

 

[Coffee]

idk if he feels awkward and therefore he won't contact you very often since he's gone.

 

[graysond]

He's not awkward about my being gay, but I do not know if me revealing my crush will make things awkward.

 

[Lube]

Next semester, he is going abroad, and it tears me up inside. I don't want him to go, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Unfortunately, you're right. But that's life. Everybody has had loved ones torn away through moving or death. It's something you have to deal with. It hurts, but it's reality. I feel for you.

He knows we have a very strong friendship (he has expressed his platonic love for me a few times)

How exactly has he done that?

He is totally straight

He very well may not be, but as long as he self-identifies as straight, there's not much you can do about it.

Should I tell him the depth of my feelings and how much it will hurt when he goes?

What is this supposed to do? How is he supposed to react? What if your best girl friend told you she was crushing on you--would you want to know? How would you react?

 

[Ekim23]

He'll come back eventually...

 

[Fucker29]

If you really like him as much as you say you do then you'll let him go. I understand how you feel but this is one of those things you really shouldn't be selfish at.
Coming from someone who's currently studying abroad, this is gonna be a terrific, most probably life changing, experience for him. It's also hard for him to leave his family and friends behind while he's abroad...don't make it harder for him!
By revealing your feelings to him now that he's leaving, you're coming across more as manipulative than anything else.

 

[G-Lexington]

The only possible reason to tell a straight friend you're crushing on him is if there's a decent-to-good chance that your friends isn't that straight, after all. Otherwise, what good would it do? Either it would bother him, in which case it'd strange your friendship, or it wouldn't, in which case absolutely nothing was gained (even if nothing was lost). Since you seem convinced he's straight, there's therefore no reason to tell him.

Lex

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Graysond,

Welcome to JUB!

Mate, its really easy to fall for someone who offers you unconditional support and friendship when you come out to them. You've just shared an amazing secret - and for you a burden most likely that you carried around - and the simple act of them respecting you, supporting you and caring about you seems like the biggest gift you ever received.

But dont mistake those things for love. If you know hes straight then for now this is one of those things you need to keep to yourself.

His trip may actually be a good thing... it will force you to open your eyes a little and broaden your horizons - sometimes when friendships are so easy and true we tend to forget the rest of the world exists... along with the possibilities it brings. This chance just might let you see that you can find a bf that loves you and cares for you as well as having the support of an amazing friend.

This is the sort of secret you tell him in 30 years time when you are both sitting at the bar, happily partnered, looking back on life and reminiscing. Till then mate, you have the chance at having the best of both worlds... don't risk it.

 

[Eagle653]

It's perfectly fine to tell him how much you'll miss him being around and his friendship--and that you look forward to his return.

But, that's it. Don't imply that you're crushing on him or having deeper feelings for you than any platonic friendship. If you do, you'll make him feel awkward and probably cool the friendship (consider how you would react if a female told you she had a crush on you--how would you react to her?).

Anyway, give him a heartfelt goodbye and send him off in style. Then, maintain the friendship with emails, etc. and let it pick up where it left off when he returns.

Good luck.

P.S. Welcome to JUB! It's good to have you here.

 

[looseliam]

I've always been of the opinion to 'never pass up an opportunity to say "I love you."'

Just that simple. A hug, and "Love ya."

Keep the details to yourself.

 

[graysond]

Hey everyone, thank you so much for your valuable advice. It's gonna tough without him, but at the same time, I feel you are probably right - being apart for a few months will put things into perspective. Only thing left to do is say goodbye

 

[rareboy]

I don't know.

If he is at all perceptive, he knows you have a crush on him.

I'm going to suggest that you do tell him that you have more than platonic feelings for him. In fact, you can tell him that you pop a boner every time he walks into the room and says 'hi'. You can tell him that his going away is just torture for you.

AND THEN YOU CAN TELL HIM THAT YOU RESPECT YOUR REAL FRIENDSHIP WAY TOO MUCH TO EVER DO ANYTHING TO COMPROMISE THAT.

And then tell him you hope he has a fun and successful term abroad.

 

[graysond]

Hey everyone,

So I had to say goodbye to my friend the other day. I think it went all right, although part of me wishes it had been more heartfelt. This is tough for me because I've never missed someone like this before.

We've texted a little bit, but I feel like calling and texting him 24/7. At this point, it feels like I'm in a relationship with him but not vice versa. Obviously, I can't text him all the time because then he might start to wonder about the extent of my feelings. What is an appropriate amount of contact and how do I deal with this feeling of missing someone?

Please help

 

[Kyanimal]

Graysond ... (excellent username, by the way! )

Yeah! This is Tough! On YOU! But, please re-read all the other posts, above, and keep in mind that the Best that You can do, for Him, and, eventually, You, is to let Him go to "expand" Himself!

Definitely keep in touch, but do not "over do" it! Do not "Cling"! That won't be good for either of you!

"Message", email, whatever, but let Him take the lead, by his responses, on just how much You should "answer back".

Wish Him Well! Give Him your unconditional support. But, also be prepared to let Him go!

He'll be back! And, You want Him to feel like He want's to return! Yes?

Relax! Take some deep breaths! And, just be His Best Friend!!

Of course ... no matter what ... seriously ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[G-Lexington]

It sucks when someone we care about goes away. It doesn't matter if you were in a relationship or not, or if you liked each other "like that" or not. But you seem aware that this isn't all about you - he's got his own life to live, and he's probably going to be busy trying to get up to speed.

How much contact? Err on the side of caution. If you think you might be annoying him by contacting him, hold off. You might send him a quick "Best of luck in (new place)!" message, and then let it sit for a bit. If he contacts you back, and it's easy to continue the "conversation", then do so. But if he just writes back "thanks!", that doesn't exactly beg for a response.

Then, maybe once a week, send him an e-mail. Catch him up with what's going on in your section of the world - what your mutual friends are up to, what you've been doing. Again, if he responds, and it seems "conversational", feel free to respond. If it's just a "thanks for the e-mail!", don't. Feel free to send a catch-up e-mail maybe once every two weeks or so after that. You'll presumably find something of a rhythm to it.

More important that all that, cast your eyes elsewhere. Don't sit pining for your missing friend. Go make new ones. Life's more fun creating memories than it is looking back at old ones.

Lex