Good friend's changing attitude?

[benlemieux2003]

My very close friend just came back from studying abroad after a 10-month absence. We've known each other for ten years, have been extremely trusting in each other. When we were in high school, I used to have a crush on him, and he was the first person I ever told. I was 17, he was 16 back then. Took it very well for a straight guy and helped me through this and other heartbreaks, always having my back. He's honestly nothing more than a great friend and I like it that way.

However it seems in the past 2 years his acceptance of me being gay has been on the decline. He'd go on some borderline homophobic rants in my presence when we were with friends, as in "I'd rather have a fat ugly chick telling me she loves me than a gay guy", while looking at me, completely overlooking what happened between me and him years ago. He'd stop me from talking about guys and would minimalize gay situations vs a similar one for straight guys, you know, like my feelings were less valuable than his. There's been a couple of other occurances like it. The last one was right before he left a year ago, he hugged my other straight bud for at least a minute and me it was 4 seconds if that.

I thought studying abroad would be good for him as he's under pressure at university and at home, and with his girlfriend as well. It would also give him a way to open his mind up a little more (and his boss at the place he worked part time was gay so he kept getting his ass pinched lol). We've kept in touch every 2-3 weeks or so through e-mail or Skype, which allowed us not to feel so apart even though he was on the other side of the world.

Last January when we talked on Skype, I brought up the topic of his seemingly decline in acceptance towards me. He became very defensive, saying I was reading way too much into things, but in the end he admitted he had a "lot to work on" concerning his attitude he said was "rough around the edges." That being said, he promised to hug me as long as I wanted to when he got back and to give me a kiss (on the cheek I suppose) right when he'd get back, because he said that he appreciated me "beyond what I can imagine". That made me really happy.

Enter last week, he comes back from his trip, I go pick him up at the airport with his brother and my other friend and he barely pays ANY attention to me. Hardly looks my way. For the whole six hours we were together on the way back, he talked to me MAYBE five minutes in total, but for others, wow, no end to it... When I was alone with him and drove him home I hardly got any words from him. I'm like, ok he just got back, he's tired and whatnot. Gave him a couple of days. We had two parties together, a few hugs here and there, but most of the time, it's almost as he tried to brush me off. When he'd talk to me it's like he tried to talk me down on everything I did or insult me indirectly. It was light, but still it made me bitter. He was having such a great time with everyone there and when I talked to him he had that "oh, you again" look in his eyes.

Called him today to hangout tonight, says he's got stuff with friends and his girlfriend, maybe later this week... He just seemed totally not interested... I mean I saw him talking to other friends on the phone and with me, it's just like, "yeah my expendable lapdog".

It's bringing up a whole bunch of questions in me... Were we ever great friends? Is he becoming homophobic? What kind of problem would he be having with me?

It's really pissing me off guys... Can anyone else relate and explain?

 

[Horschallen]

Yes you were great friends. Him becoming hompophobic? maybe as a part of him establishing his identity. Maybe he prefers being with you in private than in public with his straight friends. Give it time... it may be time for you to move on to other people. I wish you well.

 

[G-Lexington]

Sounds like he's been withdrawing more and more from you. If he has an "issue" with this, he's certainly had plenty of time and opportunity to decide how he feels. And it doesn't look like you're coming out too well in his final analysis.

I wouldn't let go of him, per se, but I'd work more on building other relationships. You've apparently put a lot of time and effort (and hope) into this one, and there doesn't appear to be a lot of payoff right now. Try focusing your energies elsewhere, and see where that gets you.

Good luck.

Lex

 

[benlemieux2003]

Thanks for the advice guys.

The thing that's beyond me is that we've known each other for a decade and he's always been a smart, open-minded guy... I mean how can it be possible for anyone to revert from that?

It's really saddening me because I have only a handful of close friends from my high school days left and every year I drop one from my "inner circle". For others before it didn't bother me, I took it as a natural part of life, you know, values, jobs, priorities change and most of the time I saw it coming.

But this is so out of the blue for the guy who helped you through your first heartbreak, in whose arms you cried when you told him you loved him and he cried too, who held on to you promising you he'd never abandon you, whom you've slept next to so many times to just suddenly become the single most hostile of your friends. It's beyond logic.

PS: As far as being "public" with me goes, I'm out to everyone. None of my high school colleagues ever gave me trouble for it; they actually praised me. But I see a definite shift in things right now with my friend somehow.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>The thing that's beyond me is that we've known each other for a decade and he's always been a smart, open-minded guy... I mean how can it be possible for anyone to revert from that?

Well, it may not have anything to do with your homosexuality, really. Your interests might just be diverging. Or he just might not be "meshing" with you like he used to. It happens. I was uber-close to a guy once. The whole cry-on-your-shoulder/tell-all sort of friendships, friends-til-the-end. Now we hardly ever talk. We don't dislike each other. We just sort of naturally floated apart, with different interests.

Lex

 

[screwnutty]

Okay I may not know what I'm talking about here so please bear with me!!

First off. Confront him. Alone. One on One. If this is bugging you as bad as you say it is then ask him "what the hell is going on? Are we friends? Do you have a problem with me being gay cause If you do...I need to hear it now"

the other thing (this is what I could be wrong on) but maybe he has feelings for you and he struggling with them. Maybe when you guys were apart he missed you or he found out something about himself. Who knows....but you need to ask him up front what's wrong.

 

[Eagle653]

After everything you've been through together, and that long a friendship, you really deserve some answers from him. It's easy to text someone apologies and promises from halfway across the world; it's something else to sit across from the table from him and have him to do.

I'd invite him out to dinner, just the two of you. Don't let him weasel out of it or blow off the offer. Insist on it, and be firm about doing it. Tell him what you told us. Ask if you'd done something that's offended him? Is he changing his attitude? In short, what gives? Don't be whiny or bitchy or accusatory (I doubt that you would anyway), but just innocent and curious. Ask him for the truth and let him know that whatever the truth is, is OK--just that you need to know what's going on so you know how much mental energy to put into your friendship with him.

He really needs to think about what he wants from you in a friendship, and he has an obligation to be candid with you about that, one way or another. Of course, this is going to require him to actually stop and think about it (which may or may not occur in one sitting).

Other than that, I think Lex's advice is timely too. Regardless of what happens, it'd be good to branch out and form new friends too so that, whatever happens, he's but one person in your circle of friends and supporters.

Good luck! Let us know what happens.

 

[luminum]

This is only speculation, but maybe he's dealing with issues concerning his own sexuality. That would explain the defensiveness.

Or perhaps the people he's been hanging out with were less than gay friendly and his attitudes have changed and he's finding it hard to relate to the accepting person he used to be. He wouldn't be the first person in the world to go from accepting to homophobic.

Keep the bridge open if he ever wants to cross it, but don't burn it. And to extend the metaphor, build bridges elsewhere in the meantime.

 

[xterranx]

Screw confrontation. Just give him his distance. The more you try to talk to him, the more irritable he seems to get. I'm not saying just cut it off with him, but just pass the time with other things.

It could be that you two are naturally drifting apart. If so... sorry.

 

[screwnutty]

Screw confrontation. Just give him his distance. The more you try to talk to him, the more irritable he seems to get. I'm not saying just cut it off with him, but just pass the time with other things.

It could be that you two are naturally drifting apart. If so... sorry.

I'm sorry but if they were both really good friends then our friend here deserves an answer...even if that answer is "fuck off will you I can't stand it that your gay anymore." Saves alot of time worrying about the "what did I do to him?" regrets

 

[benlemieux2003]

You know why not a mix of both?

I'm way too busy in the next two months. I'm gonna be out of the country for at least 1 month. I'm gonna keep my distances in the meantime and let him play the next move, if he does. Maybe myself not bothering to contact him will send a strong message. That might get him to react.

If get nothing by the time I get back in September then I'll confront him for sure.

 

[gabriel1]

People change - move apart life goes one

 

[ladygrey]

^
I agree. People do change, sometimes for reasons we can never fully understand. It may not necessary have anything to do with sexuality or prejuice at all, but may still simply be a normal life process.

Friends are often only in our lives for short periods of time, coming and leaving unexpectedly.

Further, it sounds a little like he wasn't always a good friend to begin with and it also sounds like you still have a wee crush on the lad, which may help increase the distance faster.

Overall, let it go. If he wants to remain friends, he'll keep in touch. If not, then get over it and get used to it.

Conforting him sounds like a surefire way to push him away further and also sounds more than a little drama queen high school.

Let him be. It's the only fair response.

 

[benlemieux2003]

Let me make this crystal clear. YES, he is hot and very nice. NO I do not have a crush on him.

Would he be a short-term friend or someone that's always been lacking I'd dump him without thinking twice. However I just can't go and pretend the past ten years of my life with him didn't happen.

 

[thermodynamics]

I'd ask him about it, since you've known him for sooo long. I think you deserve some sort of explanation. If this question angers him so much he never wants to speak to you again, well, so be it. He's not talking to you now, so you're not going to lose anything.

 

[backpacker]

Did this change in attitude happen to occur when some other change in his life occurred? One thought is when his current girlfriend came into the picture. I've had good friends totally change when they fell in love with what I would consider the wrong type. It sure sounds like there is some other influence that changed his attitude toward you.

On the hand, who needs to be bothered with someone who treats you like that? He knows he's treating you different than before. I wouldn't be questioning if you were ever good friends, I would be questioning what type person he has turned into.

 

[RicanDAB]

This sounds similar to some of my own experiences. The way I handle these situations is keeping these friendships at arm's length. I am not a confrontational kind of guy in these matters. What I do is withdraw from their radar quietly to see if they notice. Sometimes they do come looking for me and say "whassup?" and sometimes the distance just grows. In your case, perhaps your actions amounts to some level of hounding that he prefers not to entertain. Clearly, he has some issues about being around you and you're only hurting yourself more exposing yourself to his subtle rejection.

This is all part of life, some people will naturally drift away from your life and others will stay. You should never force someone to stay in your life for selfish reasons, especially if you feel they have to because of the number of years you have known them.

Remember, it's quality and not quantity that matters.

 

[rareboy]

He's afraid of being gay himself and obviously thinks he needs to prove wahat a 'man' he really is.

I'd drop him from my friends list pronto. Who needs an insecure headcase making you feel like shit about yourself so that he can feel better?

 

[Gooey45]

Let him be.

just listen to the song someone once told me to listen to which helped me get over a friend its pinks who knew.

 

[screwnutty]

Let him be.

just listen to the song someone once told me to listen to which helped me get over a friend its pinks who knew.

Hey Gooey! That was me remember.

I had the same thing happen to my best friend (which you all know too well if you seen my thread)

It's not easy but you do need to move on. It's his lost.

Here's the video Gooey is talking about.