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Good Relationship?

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000al000

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Dec 22, 2010
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Hey there,
I am 24 dating another 24 year old guy here, we get along great and enjoy our company, the only thing I am not sure is I have a job and he currently is pursuing his dreams (which I support) , we don't live together but when we go out or hang out I feel like I should be the one paying because I have a job. I am new at a real relationship so I was wondering, what to expect? what is good or bad? We like each other a lot, I just don't know if I should see it as money doesn't matter and it works out or what? Don't wanna be an dick, but not sure what to think. Thanks for the advice!
 
000al000 said:
i know its not a great post but any help/advice is appreciated.
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Sometimes around here it takes people some time to respond to things. It may take anywhere between an hour or a day.

As to your dilemma, are you able to afford to take him out? How often do you guys go out?

If it's once a week and you can afford it fine. If it's more than that, and/or you can't afford it, let him know you need to do cheaper or free things together.
 
If you like him and it makes you feel good, I think you should pay. One of the only reasons I ever want to make decent money is in hopes that I have someone I love to spend it on.
 
It is kind for you to pay under the circumstances. It would be nice if he payed once in a while, even if it is not as often as you. He can still find a way to treat you to a special evening, even if it doesn't involve paying as much as you do.
 
thank you for the replies, I really appreciate them! We go out every week usually, and its not expensive or anything I was just wondering on a general idea i guess, dont think im getting used but dont want to be either haha.
 
000al000 said:
thank you for the replies, I really appreciate them! We go out every week usually, and its not expensive or anything I was just wondering on a general idea i guess, dont think im getting used but dont want to be either haha.
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I think as long as you are okay with spending money on him continue to do so. If a year goes by and he never offers to pay or when his situation changes if he doesn't offer to pay for things, I would talk to him about it.
 
altlover85 said:
I think as long as you are okay with spending money on him continue to do so. If a year goes by and he never offers to pay or when his situation changes if he doesn't offer to pay for things, I would talk to him about it.
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^^
This is great advice.
My thought reading your post, 000al000, was that overtime you might come to resent being the one that is always paying - if that ever starts to happen I think you need to have a conversation with your BF right away to prevent any bad feelings from festering or growing.
 
be careful about paying too much, too often.

It can ruin a relationship. it can make him feel inadequate. There was a recent thread (in the last few months from the opposite perspective).

I would do less expensive things - i would take walks, go to movies - and other activities that don't cost a lot. Occasionally, treat him. Let him do things for you that are not expensive.
 
"He's currently is pursuing his dreams"
You are rather vague about this, and I think this point is something critical to take into consideration. Are his dreams actually feasible for establishing a successful career? Or is he just merely enjoying his hobbies while other people pick up the pieces. Does he have a job? If not how does he intend to survive?

As for the paying thing- I always was one to pay my own way, I never really wanted to feel as if I had to owe someone anything.- I have always had too much self pride to take a handout even though it might not be intended that way in relationships.-
Personally though, I feel that if you are in the start of a relationship, you should both pay your own way if you decide to do something. If you'd like to do something and know that they can't afford it, and you can- I don't see any harm in paying for both.

There are so many different rules about paying. If it's your date pay for it, so on and so forth. I think, something like that should be established from the start. Everyone is awkward about that. What should I do. Just ask and find out.

I defiantly wouldn't pay the way all of the time though, unless if you were both married, or have been living together for quite some time.
 
He should start paying for his own meals! You have done enough. Here are suggestions:

1. If you are in a fast food restaurant, you order first and pay for your own meal. Then he will get the hint that he needs to pay for his. Fast food restaurants are inexpensive, he can afford it.
2. If you are in a sit down restaurant at the time of ordering your drinks, just say to the waiter/waitress with a smile "Separate checks please." This will give him a hint. If he cannot afford it, then he should order a salad and not a NY strip.
3. Or have him pay for his meals when meals are not expensive. If you guys dine in an expensive restaurant, then you pay for his meals (understanding that he probably cannot afford it).

Pursuing one's dream is all fine. However, he also needs to be able to support himself day to day...to support his dream. Both of you are adults. He needs to get a part-time job. Trust me, if you don't cut this habbit now, YOU WILL RESENT paying for his meals ALL THE TIME later on . You are enabling his financial dependency on you. A healthy relationship requires both parties to give and take.

Unless you are willing to be his sugar daddy. then keep paying for his meals and don't say a word.
 
HunterM said:
He should start paying for his own meals! You have done enough. Here are suggestions:

1. If you are in a fast food restaurant, you order first and pay for your own meal. Then he will get the hint that he needs to pay for his. Fast food restaurants are inexpensive, he can afford it.
2. If you are in a sit down restaurant at the time of ordering your drinks, just say to the waiter/waitress with a smile "Separate checks please." This will give him a hint. If he cannot afford it, then he should order a salad and not a NY strip.
3. Or have him pay for his meals when meals are not expensive. If you guys dine in an expensive restaurant, then you pay for his meals (understanding that he probably cannot afford it).

Pursuing one's dream is all fine. However, he also needs to be able to support himself day to day...to support his dream. Both of you are adults. He needs to get a part-time job. Trust me, if you don't cut this habbit now, YOU WILL RESENT paying for his meals ALL THE TIME later on . You are enabling his financial dependency on you. A healthy relationship requires both parties to give and take.

Unless you are willing to be his sugar daddy. then keep paying for his meals and don't say a word.
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I don't think springing it on him is a good idea at all. What if he has no money?

For some reason I thought he was in college. Is he? Who is supporting him? How is he getting money?
 
altlover85 said:
I don't think springing it on him is a good idea at all. What if he has no money?
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QFT,
I'd feel hurt if someone put me in that kind of situation without talking to me about it first. Mainly because I would feel ashamed to begin with for always being paid for, and i think something like that would add another layer of shame on top.

Just talk about it with him. I'm sure he'll understand where you are coming from and you'd both be able to figure out something that you'd both be happy with. But I wouldn't make it a habit for paying all of the time either.
 
thank you for the great advice, i dont think i could spring it up him, just see that not ending well, rather talk about it first. I appreciate all the help, all new to me so the help is great! haha
 
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