Got a gay guy - unsure of next step

[thephoenix]

Those of you who have read some of my past original posts know that I fell hard for my straight best friend and he clobbered me even harder by fooling around with me and then withdrawing. Luckily, we're back on an even keel, and I'm moving on.

I've loosened my guidelines for who I date. And to my surprise, I met someone. He's tall and handsome (though not the usual type of handsome I'd have gone for in the past). He's smart and he can make me laugh. He's got goals and seems to have ambition. I'm not calling him the whole package yet because I'm overlooking things that normally in the past would have omitted him from my "type."

But I like him and from what I can tell he adores me. The one thing that really surprised me and caught me off guard was on our first date at the end he just kind of grabbed me and kissed me. It was spontaneous and I loved it. He's incredibly affectionate. He holds my hand, puts his arm around me, pulls me close when we watch t.v, he kisses me a lot, puts his hand on my leg and strokes it when we're driving down the road, always kisses me good night, etc. He even stopped when we were making out and kind of stared at me and said "I love looking at your face." Which brings me to the fact that he actually makes eye contact when we fool around. It blows my mind. He's so sweet to me. Our first time actually going a little farther than kissing he kept whispering asking me if I was okay and when I said I was nervous he said that it was okay; he'd take care of me.

Point thus far is: when I'm with him I feel like I am the center of the universe and the sexiest man alive. Which is wonderful. I'm just worried that I might like that feeling more than I do the guy, if that makes sense. And don't get me wrong I really like him, but he doesn't light that flame of passion in me that- let's just say I've gotten in the past. It's not that he's too nice. He can be pretty aggressive sexually, it's just that...I don't know. I don't want to spend too much time with him in an effort to light that flame and then push him away in the process, but I don't want to suddenly seem cold and hard to get by trying to not be "available" when he calls.

I guess I'm unsure of dating protocol in general. He's dated guys before and I kind of look to him to lead, but all that seems to lead to is physical stuff.

And is it wrong that the best part of it all is just having his arms around me or laying with my head on his chest? The actual sexual stuff does get a "rise" out of me, but it usually doesn't last or isn't as pleasurable as I expected it to be. Example: the tv was going the other night with the volume on kinda low, and he's kissing me and my chest, etc and a comedian said something funny and I kinda laughed at that, and he thought he'd found a hot spot on me. So, I let him think so. In truth, I was watching the damn television. I don't know if it is me or if it is him. I mean, the only other guy I've been with didn't seem interested in me the whole time we fooled around, but there was something there when he kissed me and overall it just felt better. There was passion from both sides it felt like.

And maybe I'm being stupid for wondering what the deal is. I mean, I got a guy who makes me feel like I'm being worshipped when we're together. At least physically. That's something.

I feel awful, but I can't help that there is a little nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me I could do better.

Any thoughts? Am I just crazy?

 

[hopnung]

Take a look at my blog entries on here.

Sometimes you don't know what you want, even if you think you do.

 

[lovestojerkoff]

follow your heart

 

[KaraBulut]

He's tall and handsome (though not the usual type of handsome I'd have gone for in the past).... He's smart and he can make me laugh.... He's got goals and seems to have ambition.

But I like him and from what I can tell he adores me. ...He's incredibly affectionate. He holds my hand, puts his arm around me, pulls me close when we watch t.v, he kisses me a lot, puts his hand on my leg and strokes it when we're driving down the road, always kisses me good night, etc.

Point thus far is: when I'm with him I feel like I am the center of the universe and the sexiest man alive. Which is wonderful.

Any thoughts? Am I just crazy?

You're not crazy. You're fucking crazy.

Here's what is going on: you're self-sabotaging.

Are you having trouble accepting that you are worthy of a guy who is crazy about you?

Do you really think there's something better than this?

Reread the highlighted areas above. You've laid this all out. Stop talking yourself out of this. You are entitled to be happy.

Go be happy.

 

[fjancsi80]

I envy your problems. Probably you have to be older to appreciate the kindness and affection you get.

 

[landers]

I've been in your situation before. I was with someone who was very affectionate and I loved that but, not the person. Eventually it wore off and we broke things off when we realized it was just the physical stuff that kept us together.

 

[G-Lexington]

You obviously aren't really "feeling it" with this guy right now. But don't be too quick to toss him aside and move on. Talk to him, and ask if you can hold off on the physical stuff for awhile. Spend some time hanging out and interacting without heading to the bedroom, and see if start clicking more. If not, then obviously this isn't the guy for you.

Lex

 

[Homoerectus]

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find Pronce Charming. So kiss and love this guy until something REAL happens to make you love him or break up. It sounds to me like you are trying to find a reason to not like guys because you can't come to terms with the M2M side of being bi-sexual.

 

[Fiorino]

What in the hell is your problem !!!!!
I suggest you reread what you wrote and if you still have doubts, break it off before you really hurt him, you dont deserve him is you still have doubts, Wake up and realize you have something special here.DONT FUCK IT UP............

 

[CSI_3Stokes]

If you have a gay guy. Hold onto him for whoever's sake.

 

[CSI_3Stokes]

And be safe for Buddha's sake.

 

[Just_Believe18]

You sound as if you have a detached personality. Have you behaved this way towards anyone else you've successfully had a relationship/fling with? I don't mean the guys you've crushed on and couldn't have, I mean the ones you have had. Reflect back very carefully. Sometimes nostalgia can glorify past feelings more than what they were really worth. Do you find a pattern in your behavior of being detached from other men? You may feel like it's not "clicking" for you, but to this guy, you're probably the best thing since sliced bread.

The reason I say this, is because you emphasize unusual aspects of your relationship with him. For example, the best part to you is just to be held. That's odd and unusual. Maybe I'm confused about the situation because you have not told us about the "other things" about him that normally turns you off to a guy. Do you think that could be the cause of your detachment for him?

 

[KaraBulut]

The reason I say this, is because you emphasize unusual aspects of your relationship with him. For example, the best part to you is just to be held. That's odd and unusual.

Enjoying being held is not odd nor unusual.

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ No, of course not. It's one of my favorite things. He's saying it under the context that it's better than everything else he shares with this guy. The talking, the experiences, sex, everything. There's more to intimacy than to prefer just the cuddling. My gosh, the guy was all over him and all he could think about was what was on the TV!

 

[thephoenix]

I completely understand the replies that are astonished that I feel like I do with this guy. Believe me, I know that I could have worse problems. Which is why I feel bad, and wonder what is wrong with me. Lots of people would die to hear someone else tell them that they are sexy and beautiful, etc.

BUT

I also believe if "it" isn't there it isn't there. Seriously, I've begun missing time alone. He wanted me to spend the night with him the other night and I cringed at the thought, and made up an excuse. But he is a perfectly acceptable person. We've been seeing each other 3 weeks and he's talking being committed, which would be fine except that that too makes me cringe. Not because there's someone else I want to date, but because..I don't know. Maybe I do I have a detached personality. I've always been very independent, and just don't need to constantly be dating someone or even be with people. I get lonely sometimes, but it always seems to pass, and the only people I get to missing and want to spend time with are certain friends and not sexually; just to talk or hang out. Even then I end up needing space.

This guy is a little bit redneck. His southern accent is a little too thick, sometimes it's hard to understand him even though we are from the same place. He's what would be considered "country" whereas I'm a little more preppy. He's got a little more meat on him than I normally like (not that there's anything wrong with that), he doesn't seem to take care of himself really. Not that he's a slob by any means. He's a little too laid back (i.e. always late. He was late for our first date). I'm quickly zeroing in that his accent drives me crazy, and add to it that he sometimes smacks when he talks, but he's a masculine guy. But again, I am trying to keep at it to see if anything sparks up, but I'm quickly finding that I'm dreading the next time I hear from him. It ALWAYS ends up in the bedroom. Where sometimes he's too agressive and hurts me. The last time we fooled around I was completely not turned on at all. I was going through the motions. And he bit me and it hurt. He pulled too hard on my junk and that really hurt. The list goes on; and I told him he was being too rough.

Bottom line and as shallow and jerk like as it sounds I don't feel like he's the kind of guy I'd want to introduce to my friends. He's already introduced me to his and the ones who were gay promptly hit on me and/or told me/him that I was too good for him or out of his league. And the really bad thing is I agreed! In my head anyway. One of our dates consisted on meeting two of his gay friends. We went to their apartment and one wasn't there, but the other was and I got to hear stories of how he and my guy had slept together (which was promptly denied by my guy on spot), got hit on (my guy was in the bathroom), and then the guy goes to pick up his room mate from somewhere and tells us an oddly specific time that he'd be back. Which is when my guy decided he wanted to get hot and heavy in their living room with the blinds open! I just feel that I'm a little too classy for him. However that can be taken. I don't mean to be a snob or all superior, but that is how I feel.

 

[G-Lexington]

Then stop. Break it off. It ain't gonna get any easier.

Lex

 

[Just_Believe18]

Thank you Phoenix for providing more details. I knew it was in the "details" you first omitted.

I would feel uncomfortable in many of the situations you brought up as well. These do add up and present feelings of doubt. If his advances literally make you "cringe" it's not going to work.

Like Lexington said, you need to stop and break it off (as gently as possible). This guy is falling for you hard and he only feels like he's getting closer to you. Meanwhile, you feel the exact opposite. Don't lead him on any longer for his sake and especially for yours.

Let us know what happens. You can always be friends.

 

[hotlatinchulo348]

I wrote a post very similar to yours but as I continued to read about your situation I felt like you took the words right out of my mouth. I am in a VERY similar situation and it really sucks!!! Keep us up to date, maybe it will give me some more insight and help me figure out what I need to do.

 

[youngnihilist]

your first post sounded like self-sabotaging, your second post sounds like you're not into him. pretty obvious now

 

[probable]

if you were forty and unattractive and had two kids, i would tell you to hold on to him with everything you had. but you sound young, and fun, and reasonably good looking.

just break it off. feel like a jerk for a little bit. keep in mind that very few relationships last forever, and the ones that do usually the attraction goes both ways.