Got a Marriage Proposal, Sort of ... Time to Come Out?

[RicanDAB]

Thought I'd share ...

One of my good friends (to whom I have not felt I needed to come out to yet ) called me yesterday ... and after several minutes changed the topic and asked casually, "You're single, right?" I did not respond either way, but he went on in passing to talk about his secretary who seems to be having some immigration issues and I knew where he was going. He even slyly suggested (in jest I assume but with him I never know) that I would perhaps be able to enjoy some fringe benefits ... I have met his secretary before and she is quite attractive and very nice.

Even if I was single AND straight, I would not entertain this idea of marrying an alien to get her a green card. It's bound to come back to bite me somehow (my paranoid sense of luck seems to go that route). What's funny is with him I always assumed he knew about me (I mean, I have known him 13 years and he has never seen me with or heard of me having a girlfriend during our friendship). I'm 38 years old - I cannot believe he's that dense?

My friend is married by the way, so it's not like he can entertain this scheme himself.

So I guess I have to clear the air with him somehow? I don't believe he would reject me - our friendship is very tight - in fact, I would be floored, shocked even, if he does not take this well! I can just see his face when I tell him I have been dating a guy for almost a year!

Oh yeah -- the "proposal" is in the air

 

[josher]

Maybe it's because he suspects you're gay that he called?

The "fringe benefits" line may have been to cover his ass, if he was wrong, or just to keep from implying anything about your sexuality that you hadn't told him about.

 

[RicanDAB]

Maybe it's because he suspects you're gay that he called?

The "fringe benefits" line may have been to cover his ass, if he was wrong, or just to keep from implying anything about your sexuality that you hadn't told him about.

I doubt that was his motive, and it's not like we don't speak regularly. The "fringe benefits" line is so typical of him and his personality. He did make reference to this issue with his secretary once before but never directly involving me in it.

 

[backpacker]

Not much of a friend that asks you to commit a felony. Tell him you're gay. If he accepts it, that's great. If he doesn't, it won't be that big of a loss.

 

[M4P]

You might want to talk to this friend more about what he was asking of you and the implications. If you went through with it and got caught it would be your ass that was grass. I think he's pushing the bounds of friendship

 

[RicanDAB]

Well, to be clear .. he's not pushing it on me at all. He's just mentioning it and I am not taking him all that seriously. In all likelihood, if I were to never bring this up again it will be a forgotten issue and my silence on the issue will simply be my rejection of the matter and case closed. For reasons I rather not disclose here, he's not in a position to seriously encourage me to go through with this, and I know he knows better.

The reason I brought this whole thing up is more about the coming out issue, because I am wondering whether with him I really do have to bring up the fact that I am gay. My birthday was a few months ago, and I thought he might be daring enough to take me to a female go-go bar (which we once used to do when younger, but that has since lost its luster for me - the female ones anyway ) - we went to have wings instead LOL.

Should be interesting ... part of me is just looking forward to his reaction.

 

[backpacker]

Rican, I'm sorry if my original post went in the wrong direction. Tell him you're gay. As you said, it might be fun seeing his reaction. If nothing else, it will keep you from playing the hiding game. You will be a lot happier if you can just be yourself. From what you have written, I get the impression that he probably won't have a problem with you being gay. Good luck!

 

[RicanDAB]

Thanks vetteboi! No problems here

I've made great strides since coming out last January. The thing is I just never figured I had to go out of my way to tell some people who are around me a lot, you know what I mean? With this friend, I just figured he was swift enough to get it on his own. Interesting I think.

 

[NomineDetracto]

first of all, i'd find out if this secretary had some rich family back in the homeland... you know what i'm sayin'!???

seriously, though. tell him.

 

[Soilwork]

Wait...

you're 38 and you're not even out to your best friend?

Dude... c'mon.. this isn't high school.

 

[Ninja108]

No "friend" will ask you to commit a felony, no matter how noble the cause may be. Decline his offer and if I were you, scratch him off your list of friends

 

[backpacker]

The thing is I just never figured I had to go out of my way to tell some people who are around me a lot, you know what I mean? With this friend, I just figured he was swift enough to get it on his own. Interesting I think.

I know exactly what you are saying. I don't believe people need to make any announcements unless it makes them feel better. I never found the need to make announcement. Just be yourself and that includes not avoiding questions about who you are seeing or pretending to be interested in girls. Next time he says something about "benefits" or female dancers, you could always just say "sorry, that's not what I'm into". Hopefully that would be a big enough hint for him to get it or ask what you mean. Good luck!

 

[RicanDAB]

Wait...

you're 38 and you're not even out to your best friend?

Dude... c'mon.. this isn't high school.

Dude ... I AM out to my best friend, but that's someone else. This guy I just assumed knew by circumstance. I never felt (until now) that I had to clarify.

No "friend" will ask you to commit a felony, no matter how noble the cause may be. Decline his offer and if I were you, scratch him off your list of friends

In case you missed it, it's not that deeply serious a request. I'm not that worried ... the bigger issue here I reiterate is my realization that I have to come out to him when I previously thought that I figured he knew and I did not have to come out per se. Due to the reasons I choose not to disclose here, I'm positive marrying the secretary is not something he's seriously wanting for me to do. He tends to banter this way sometimes, and only someone like me will understand.

I know exactly what you are saying. I don't believe people need to make any announcements unless it makes them feel better. I never found the need to make announcement. Just be yourself and that includes not avoiding questions about who you are seeing or pretending to be interested in girls. Next time he says something about "benefits" or female dancers, you could always just say "sorry, that's not what I'm into". Hopefully that would be a big enough hint for him to get it or ask what you mean. Good luck!

You know where I'm coming from ... the thing is, it has been a while since he brought up "straight guy" talk with me (going to go-go's, etc.) ... I used to think that it stopped because he had finally figured me out but in hindsight I now correlate this with the fact that he is now married with kids. He was more of a player when he was single and I tagged along back then because I was technically interested in that kind of life back then. However, now that I know who I am I don't place myself in a position to deny it. I no longer pretend to be interested in girls. When he asked if I was single it caught me off-guard and I did not respond but he did not give me a chance to respond anyway.

At any rate, it's clear that I have to clear the air soon.

 

[mojoe54]

I think you should propose to your bf instead!

 

[Soilwork]

Dude ... I AM out to my best friend, but that's someone else. This guy I just assumed knew by circumstance. I never felt (until now) that I have to clarify.

Got it.

OK.

Well then if it's not anyone that matters to you.. then just either tell him or don't.